Original subtitles

Just up for the store centennial, Mimi?

Yep, I'm the year 1900.

Ah, 1900, when America was young and bison roamed the plains.

Of course, they didn't stand on their hind legs carrying a parasol, but... I'm

dressed like a lady, so I'm going to respond like a lady.

Bite my crank, bubble ass.

Hey, Drew. Hey, can't go out to lunch?

Got a date.

Uh -huh. You know, Lewis, we've been hearing about this one for the last two

weeks. This isn't another one of your fake girlfriends, is it?

Boy, you forge one birth certificate, create one fake credit history, scratch

your own back with your fingernails just once, and suddenly you're the guy with

the fake girlfriends.

You know, the real creepy part was when he used to make up that voice to call me

up. Miss me, Drew?

Knock it off.

Well, this one's real. I met her at a Star Trek convention.

Well, it's not on the off chance she is real. Make sure your shields are up

before you launch your shuttlecraft.

Don't worry about that. When the time comes, I got it covered. The last

convention, I bought some wrath of condoms.

Ah, Mimi, what a delightful outfit. It's like stepping into the past.

Can you make ten copies of... Please?

Oh, I'm sorry. The copier machine hasn't been invented yet. Oh, neither have

salaries for women.

Have you found a speaker for the store's centennial celebration yet? Yeah, one

of the members of the board.

I think it's the right choice. I mean, he's a real American success story.

And here he is.

Sorry I spoke too soon.

So, hey, did you get those employee valuations I left for you? Yes, they're

the red file.

Good.

Weatherman says you're going to have rain coming up. Oh, here he is now.

Mr. Crawford here started in the stockroom in 1934.

Oh, really? Just a year before he started walking up the aisle toward us.

I still climb the ladder faster than Carrie here.

Well, that's true. He's a big failure.

You know, save some of that for behind my back.

I'm looking for... to this, Nigel, I'm going to give a heck of a speech. I've

got a thousand stories.

I spent 15 years in shoes and sold the first hush puppy in Cleveland.

And that's just one story.

Well, let's hope you lead with that. Why don't we go into my office and

celebrate with a nice cigar?

I don't care who you get. I don't care how you get them. But there's no way

Johnny Fix -It -Ed -There is making a speech.

Oh, you want to tell a member of the board he's not making a speech? Which,

the way, he's making me write.

So it's going to be your words coming out of an old man's mouth.

I can hardly even say it without yawning.

Hey, pig.

Need you to sign these overtime claims?

Fine. You ain't touching my pen.

I know what you do on your lunch break.

Great. Not only does it mean you have a chip on her shoulder, it's insulting me.

What are you doing up here? Oh, well, I left these flowers here, and I wanted to

give them to my beautiful date.

Oh, they're lovely. But I told you, it's not a date.

It's just lunch.

All right.

Just friends for now. But I gotta think there's a future with a woman who's seen

E .T. more than a hundred times.

Ouch.

You know, there's no strings attached.

Why would he take these flowers from me?

Because she doesn't exist.

Oh, yeah, she exists.

Come out and show Drew.

Oh, she's very nice. Love her to your other fake girlfriend.

No, no, no. I can see her, but you can't. Ah, gotcha.

What an idiot.

Love the voice, though.

It's back.

And now here's Kate O 'Brien to show us the wind from the outer fashion of the

1980s.

Very nice.

And this is only a joke if you know O 'Brien, but she's dressed like a virgin.

Don't make me kick you in your kaja goo -goos.

Thank you, Kate.

Now, let's set our gaze upon the future.

In the year 25...

25.

If man is still alive.

Future woman!

I hear you're rolling a traffic. You with me?

Notice how the translucent plastic protects Mimi from her environment.

I'd say it's the other way around.

Behold the beauty that is our future.

Crap, there's a bee in here.

Actually, that's not the fashion of the future. Henderson, you owe me 300 bucks.

I got Mimi into a giant plastic bubble. Now, it's time for our keynote speaker,

a distinguished member of the board, and the man who's worked at Winford Louder

longer than anyone else. Please welcome Mr. Arthur Crawford.

and fellow employees.

You know, I've been here so long that when I first started, instead of saying

good morning to each other, we said hail Caesar.

And the only one you hear laughing right now is a young fellow who helped me

write this speech, Drew Carey.

As I said, I've been here a long time and I love this building.

But Winfred Lauder isn't just steel and bricks.

It's people.

Take the Jews.

They're good with numbers.

So that's why they're over in accounting.

That is, when they're not off on one of their cockamamie holidays.

Sir, maybe you should just stick to the speech.

Oh, yes.

Winfred Lauder has the hardest working employees in the retail industry.

And if you want a hard...

you get yourself a Mexican.

They're loyal, and they don't take long for lunch because they always eat off

the back of the truck.

And who could forget the blacks?

They're good at so many things, but I think they're best at security because

they know how to get the stolen stuff back.

They just go over to their cousin's house, and there it is.

If you people want to charge the stage, security's on break.

Uh, thank you, sir. Thank you for that entirely ad -lib speech that you

improvised yourself and I didn't help you write.

Oh, don't be so modest, Drew. We work great together.

Oh, crap.

I forgot to thank you fairies.

Probably because he knows there's a mob waiting for him.

I say, let whoever's perfect cast the first stone.

That would be me, so I got dibbed on the first stone.

Here he is. You disgust me.

I've been trying to call everybody all night. Didn't you get my messages?

I told you, I had nothing to do with that speech. It was all Crawford.

What are you getting all upset about, anyway?

Asians were the only ones he didn't talk about.

Right.

Like, we don't exist. Like, we're not even good enough to insult.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, because I'm inscrutable now, is that it? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I can't believe you people.

You all know that Drew didn't write that stuff. It's all Crawford.

Drew's no racist.

He's hit on and been rejected by women of every race, creed, and color.

Well, he's still the assistant personnel director, and if he doesn't do

something about Crawford, we will.

I'm talking strike.

Oh, listen, I figured it all out. I've been thinking about it all night long.

I'm going to call Crawford right now on the speakerphone.

And he's either going to apologize or resign.

Hello, you've reached the Winfred Lauder Board of Directors.

No one is here to help you, so we'll forward your call to the voicemail of

someone who can.

Hi, you've reached the desk of?

Drew Carey.

This guy's got to go, Drew.

No wonder I can't get ahead in sales with the races on the board. You know,

Elaine is right.

I've been trying to get a transfer to the men's department for years. Now I

I'm stuck in security.

And I'm still a secretary because people just think of me as a sex object.

I said people just think of me as a sex object.

Yeah, yeah, you're really a sex object.

Well, you know what? Talk is cheap. I'm suing. You can't sue these guys. You

can't beat these guys in court. They have the best lawyers in the world.

Remember that janitor that sued because he has asbestos in his lungs?

They countersued him for stealing asbestos.

You can't beat us all. I'm suing, too.

Hey, Feinstein, you know any good lawyers?

Sure, my brother's one, my cousin Rob.

Hey, why are you asking me?

Who else am I going to ask?

I doubt if Gomez has any lawyers in her family. Oh, hey!

What the heck is that?

I'm sure we can talk about this reasonably.

Hey, I'm new here. I'm willing to talk a little more.

Mimi, go make us a pot of coffee, would you, sweetheart?

Oh, so the woman's supposed to make the coffee, Feinstein? What kind of cheap

remark is that?

Did you say cheap?

You hear that? She called me a cheap Jew.

Oh, wait. Hold on. Come on. She never said the word Jew. Let's not get our

out of joint.

Oh, come on.

What's going on here? We're going to sue the store for something you don't have

to worry about.

Discrimination. Oh, please.

I don't know about discrimination. Don't you think I know about the ugly

stereotypes? I've heard them all.

You sound so intelligent with that English accent.

I've always wanted to sleep with an Englishman. Are you royalty?

You don't see me crying for a handout? Now, get back to work. We've got

customers waiting.

Come on!

You fix this, Kerry, or you will find that the stereotype of the English being

bunch of whiny, sissy girls is just a bunch of... I don't know what!

Come in.

Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt. Mr. Crawford, can I talk to you alone?

No.

What is it?

Look, you just can't keep avoiding me.

I got employees down there that are ready to picket the store or sue the

or worse, and I gotta tell you that I think the only solution for it is I

Mr. Crawford, you have to resign.

There is no way in hell that I'm gonna resign.

But, son, if you've got the guts to fire me, I'll leave.

All right, then. You're fired, sir.

Because he said if I had the guts, and I had the guts, so no take -backs.

Son, are you hopped up on goofballs and God knows what all?

You can't fire me. I'm on the board.

This sounds like a human resource problem, Cary. So why don't you just use

Winford Lauder handbook and resolve it?

Well, I mean, if you think a book will help, but you don't know how bad things

have gotten down there. Stow it.

This handbook got us past all the hairy -legged women livers in the 70s. It'll

work now.

Quit wasting our time.

Here.

Throw this at yourself and get out.

You know, Doreen,

you're even more beautiful without your mean new makeup.

I can't take my eyes off you.

Are you trying to sweet -talk me?

No, I'm just trying to distract you so I can blow up your Death Star!

Hey! Fair!

But it was kind of nice hearing those things about me.

Really? No!

Bow down to your new overlord!

Ow! Stupid wall!

Sounds like Oswald. Oh, great.

I don't want it to be the wrong idea about us.

Easy for you to say.

I was on a date when I started here. Look at this. Out of combat, racial

prejudice in the workplace.

What did he say? Put on a play.

A symbolic presentation that the employees can relate to. Remember,

men have a natural talent for costume and stage design.

Bad news, guys.

Louis has got jungle gym fever.

That's crazy.

Is it?

Let's look at the facts. Tiny shoes, video games. I defy you to give me one

other possible explanation.

Here's one. You're a shoe -stealing idiot.

Oh.

So, Doreen, maybe we can do this again tomorrow night.

Look, Lewis, you're really a sweet guy.

But it's just not going to happen.

Is it because we have different religions?

No.

It's my car, isn't it?

No. It's your height.

I mean, I like dating tall guys, but look at you. You're a two -day trip.

That's only a problem if we make it one.

Exactly. But kiss me. Fine.

Without looking silly.

See you at the next convention, Lewis.

Here, pig.

O'Malley and Sportswear wanted you to have this.

What is this?

It's O'Malley's hair. It was ripped off... during the race riots in the

cafeteria.

There was race riots in the cafeteria?

Yep. Poor dumb Irishman. Never saw it coming.

Not only that, but the employees are picketing outside the store.

If you'll excuse me, I am going to use this to get a free meal.

Waiter, there is a bloody scalp on my hamburger.

I don't think there's any more race riots in here.

All right, here we go.

What does it say?

Put on a play.

Yeah.

And here it is. Oh, the play is called, except for the color of our skin, the

shape of our eyes, and the texture of our hair, we're still the same pretty

much.

An urban tragedy about lovers from two different worlds.

Sounds like a cheap ripoff of West Side Story.

Well, listen, we have to try this.

It's got to work. It has to work. We have to think positive.

You know, most of America's seen West Side Story, and there's still racial

tension everywhere.

Shut up.

I want to thank everybody for staying late tonight.

I know we're all at each other's throats. This is Mr.

Crawford's unfortunate speech.

I'm not saying this is going to solve anything, but the board wants you to see

it, and maybe it'll help a little.

It's a show with a touch of Broadway.

Oh, God.

It takes place in a Midwestern department store, much like our own, in

Much like Cleveland.

An estate much like... We get it. It's us.

Ohio.

Enjoy the show.

Housewares rule the store.

You don't mess with housewares and notions.

We'll cut you.

Pay electronics.

Look around.

Linens and bedding.

You're an archer.

Yeah, we don't like you because everybody knows that electronic people

cheap drunks who are good at math.

I hate my life and I need a scapegoat.

Well, at least I'm not in housewares.

You all control the media and you live on welfare.

Wait a minute.

These all sound like stupid stereotypes.

Maybe they are, but that's the way it's always been.

Too subtle!

I'm Elena.

You are different, yet I love you.

But you are from electronics and I am from Houseworth, so it cannot be.

You little whore! No Houseworth man will have you after this!

This sucks!

Don't you think I know this sucks? Okay, that's it. I'm not putting up this crap

anymore. I'm going up to the board and telling them just that same thing. If

they don't like it, they can fire me. Does that mean the play's over?

Yes.

Come in.

Listen, I just want to say... Where's all the white people at?

I'm Robert Solar.

I don't know, about five minutes ago, we are the new owners of Winford Lauder.

With all the financial and morale problems, the Dutch were eager to get

this dying albatross from around their necks. By the way, congratulations on

your purchase.

Well, where's Mr. Crawford and all the rest of the board?

Well, Mr. Crawford and others were relieved of their duties, and we intend

address all the concerns of all our employees in a fair manner.

Wow, I like that. My name's Drew Carey. I'm the assistant director of personnel.

I just want to say it's great to have new management here and start over with

clean slate.

Is this the one you were talking about?

Yes.

Yeah, he's talking about me, huh?

Nothing good, I hope.

Okay.

Gotta go.

See you later.

Bye.

Doreen meant nothing to me, baby. You know it's always been you.

Forgive me?

No.

I'm not going to get down on my knees and beg.

What the hell with you, then? Goodbye.

Jeez, what did you say to upset Judy?

I told her I couldn't see her anymore.

Well, mind if I start seeing her?

Yeah, that's kind of weird.