Original subtitles

Hey, Sally.

Morning. You know, I'd have to tell you how good it is to have you as a temp.

So, did you have a nice weekend?

Ask me another personal question, Clark Kent, and I swear to God I'll poke your

eyes out with these needles.

Still better than Mimi.

Morning, Sally, and how are we today?

I told you, I am Mrs. Ricky Martin.

Sorry, my mistake.

Clearly, I'm the one that's insane.

So, Gary, is Mimi back yet?

No, she's still on her honeymoon with my brother.

Actually, no, I called her back. I need her here at work.

You called Mimi back from her honeymoon?

You arrogant bastard, you've killed us all!

time of the year, Mimi.

Only you know how to get into your files. Only you know how to find things

your computer.

Besides, what I found in the drawer of the temp's desk. It's a doll of me with

no eyes.

Your big baby, that's mine.

This company owes me three more vacation days and 20 more orgasms.

Hey, maybe you'll feel better if we get back to our old routine, huh?

How was the honeymoon suite?

Was it disturbing having everybody watch to see if you guys had mate?

Don't mess with me, pig.

I am tired, I am horny, and I am frustrated, and I... You wearing your

aftershave?

Oh, dear God, Drew Carey's turning me on.

What'd you do to her?

I don't know. It's like when bears come right up to your car.

for a first date how should i dress oh i can't tell you it's a surprise a

surprise huh is it a movie maybe dancing maybe am i getting warmer

no oh my god i am

hey how you doing okay so don't tell me where we're going on our date but

i can tell by the look in your eyes but it was pretty special you have no idea

Hello, Blockbuster?

Yeah, this is Drew Carey. You can release my copy of Your Runaway Bride.

So, for your first date, you're going to stay at home on your ass in front of

the TV?

How would you know it's a date? You go outside to cut one?

What am I going to do?

It's got to be perfect.

I'm afraid if I blow this, we're going to go back to being best friends.

Well, good luck, buddy. We're going downstairs to Santa's Village.

What are you doing in Santa's village?

Have you seen the new Mrs. Claus?

She used to be a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

She's been working around elves all day. We're going to the Hughes.

Good luck.

There goes the two unwise men.

Don't worry, B. He's got his brother's ass.

I'll hold you to lunch.

Oops.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

And sit down right here. Here? Yeah. Can I take it off now? No, first guess

where we are.

All right, I'm leaning back in a chair.

I hear children's voices, and I smell disinfectant.

I'm in one of those dental vans that goes around to the poor neighborhoods.

Welcome to the beginning of the universe.

We're at the planetarium?

Yeah. That's where we first met, remember?

I sat right behind you. I was crying because it was dark.

Oh, yeah, we were in third grade. You were sitting on Mr. Summers' lap.

Yeah.

I tried to recreate the whole experience for you. I even called Mr. Summers, but

he just had hip surgery. He didn't think it was such a good idea.

Drew, that's so sweet.

Knock it off.

I'm with a girl.

After the Big Bang, galaxies were formed.

the empty sky.

So, uh, you having fun?

Yeah, none of the other guys of every day would have thought of something like

this. Cool.

I guess most guys just go for dinner and a movie, huh?

Yeah, or they go the other way, really wild.

Really wild, like laser tag kind of wild? Because I was thinking of that

on.

Uh, no, I was just thinking about this guy who liked to have sex in public

places.

Oh. Oh, that kind of wild.

As man gazed up at the heavens, he began to ask himself the grand questions of

life so where'd you guys do it you don't want to know that

yeah i do oh you know stadiums parks theater once i swear it was the only

ever enjoyed cats so where's the craziest place you ever did well

um once i was on a bus and uh I fell asleep.

And when I woke up, this old guy was touching me.

Think of it this way. Of all the people on the bus, he picked you.

That's what he said.

So, uh, top that one.

Um, okay, there was one guy who wanted me to pick him up at the airport wearing

nothing but a trench coat.

Oh, did you do it?

Yeah.

It was really exciting, too.

How come guys never do that kind of stuff for women?

Okay, your turn again.

Okay, uh, oh.

One time I was on a plane and I fell asleep.

When I woke up, some old guys touched me.

As our journey continues, we come to the seventh planet. That's my favorite

part.

Uranus.

The classics.

I finally know what Drew's like on a date.

Yep, pretty much like he is in real life, except for bigger pit stains.

This feels good.

Yeah, I just can't tell you how many times I imagined us like this.

And here we are.

I don't even know why I'm doing all this talking.

I should be kissing.

Okay, I do believe you're purring.

Okay.

snoring.

Ho, ho, ho, everybody.

Once again, it's the time for all of you to gather around Mrs.

Louder's present sack.

All right, fill her up. I've been a good girl.

Mimi, where did I put my gift to Mrs. Louder?

Neiman Marcus.

That's funny. I don't remember giving myself permission to shop at Neiman

Marcus. Mine is so big.

I'm going to open it now.

Oh, it's a lovely silver frame.

And you put a photo in it. I did?

It's a bum peeing on my car.

take it just like anyone else. You're fired.

No! No, no, it's not my fault.

Mimi got the gift for me. I thought she was going to get one of those sparkling

jogging suits you old ladies wear.

If this is true, Bobeck, you're fired.

Fine, I can go back on my honeymoon.

Your what?

My honeymoon. Wick dragged me back in the middle of it. Are you nuts?

This woman, after all these years, beats the...

and gets a honeymoon.

I may be a tough boss, but I'm still a woman.

You and your husband are flying with me to the Bahamas.

Really? Yes, I spend every Christmas there. We'll stay at the finest hotel

room service is on me.

Mrs. Lauer, that's the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me. I don't even

know how to thank you. My pleasure.

By the way, I like... to watch

don't worry

you won't know I'm there except for the glow of my cigarette

so you're sitting on the couch you have a little

wine you're working did you carry magic and I just don't think it's really adult

to talk about what did or didn't happen equipment problem

There's nothing wrong with my equipment.

Checked it this morning.

So what happened?

Well, I guess this happened to every guy at least once.

We were on the couch, about to make my move, and she fell asleep.

How long does your move take?

I think I bored her.

You know, I got to make up for this. I got to come up with something exciting

do.

What do you guys do to get women excited?

Oh, my God.

I've stooped to this.

I'm sorry. Did you just insult us? I was sleeping.

Hey, you know what would make a date exciting?

Stilts.

You know, you get the long pants and everything.

Louis, you got anything?

Okay, you want romance, Drew? Try this. I once shaved all the hair off my body

and bought satin sheets to make everything smooth and slippery.

And that didn't creep around?

I don't know. I couldn't drag myself out of bed to answer the door.

You know, uh, your ideas are really stupid, but it did give me time to

She said it would be really exciting...

If a guy showed up wearing nothing but a trench coat.

Drew, you'd never do anything like that on a date.

Oh, the old Drew wouldn't, but the new air -cooled Drew would.

Tomorrow night, I go naked.

So, uh, any guys got a trench coat I can borrow?

No, but I got one you can have.

you in a trench coat before?

I'm full of surprises.

You know, the place looks really nice tonight, although I must say it is kind

warm in here.

I gotta get my stuff. I'll be right back.

Maybe the bow's a little much.

a little surprise for you. Oh, a trench coat, huh? Looks like we're both in the

mood for trench coats.

I close your eyes.

Okay.

I guess we're heading for a red shoe diary.

Still there, Kate?

Yep. Take my hand and follow me.

Where are we going?

We're not going out, are we?

Of course we are. What do you think of any trench coats?

Ooh la la.

It sounds like there's a lot of people in here, Kate.

Come on.

Ta -da!

A Greek restaurant?

Good evening.

May I take your coat, sir?

We're just getting started.

Why did you blindfold me? Did you take me to a Greek restaurant?

Did you surprise me? I surprised you. Do you remember this place?

No.

It's the Spaghetti Factory. Remember, we had our first 3 -2 beer here.

Oh, yeah.

Fifty cents a pitcher. Boy, those were the days, huh?

Hey, let's go relive those moments at the place I lived in. My house.

Katie! Katie!

Bring Drew over!

Oh, my God. Your grandparents are here?

Yeah, they're just in town for one night. and I didn't want to cancel our

and I really wanted to see you. Come on.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Take off that coat. Let me take a look at you.

Take off that dress. Let me take a look at you.

Sit down, Drew, and let's order dinner.

Aren't you hot in that thing?

No, I'm cold, actually.

But you're sweating.

Yeah, I'm cold because I'm wet.

Then why are you sweating? Because of this interrogation.

Oh, my.

Look at Drew under here, Edward.

I can explain.

He's wearing those walking shoes I was telling you about.

Oh, good. Hey, my favorite Greek tune. Come on, Kate, let's dance.

Listen,

you probably noticed I had goosebumps all night. I want to tell you why.

I know why. And I've been getting them, too. I've been dying to kiss you all

night.

Bro, no more of that.

I mean, you know, not in front of Grandma and Grandpa.

It's so sweet that you care. You're the first boyfriend I can introduce to my

relatives and not worry about what he's going to do next.

Oh, I'm sure they all had good intentions.

Why don't you go back to the table? I'm going to use the phone.

and chips.

Okay, listen, I need a big favor. How soon are you going to get to my house?

Uh, it all depends on traffic.

Okay, listen, I'm stuck at the Greek restaurant on Euclid. That chargeco

backfired. You gotta get over here right away with a pair of pants and a shirt.

Alright, what do you want?

Jeans, khakis, or something fun?

What do you want to say about Drew tonight?

Just get the hell over here.

Hey, that cereal's nothing but sugar. Put it back.

Casual, we got blues, we got browns, we got blacks. I got the whites.

Excuse me, is it summer?

Put that back.

Oh. Cas, you're still here?

Yes, apparently we disagree on what you look best in. Yeah, couldn't figure out

which one of your features to downplay.

How about this?

Wait,

I think Lassie's trying to tell us something.

Questions I want to ask it.

How's Grandma and Grandpa?

Oh, they're fine.

In fact, they want to invite you to our family reunion.

It's formal, though, so you might want to gussy up your genitals.

Your grandparents were there?

And they saw your squeaky toy?

You two will have a lot to talk about. Good luck.

And, Kate, I'd just like to point out that me showing my planner's work to

aunt suddenly doesn't seem so bad, does it?

I'm really sorry. I just didn't want to be boring. I wanted to be exciting like

all those other dates you had.

What are you talking about?

The other night after the planetarium. We sat on the couch. I went to kiss you.

You fell asleep.

Drew, is that what you thought? That I was bored?

Drew, I fell asleep because I'm so comfortable with you.

That's a good thing.

What about all that wild sex you had with all those guys you told me about?

Drew, my wild sex days are over.

I've rushed into bed with someone.

It's never worked out, and I don't want to screw this up. I just want to take it

slow with you, okay?

Well, if we're going to kiss like this and take it slow, I might as well go put

on some pants.

Listen, you don't want to take it slow over anything you saw tonight, do you?

Because, you know, it was cold in there, and I was on top of two Greek guy's

shoulders.

Oh, kids, you only have one honeymoon.

Miss Slaughter, Steve and I have been waiting for you down at the restaurant

over an hour.

Oh, my God, I finally...