Original subtitles

That's an old thing.

Ought to cool them chance washers.

Can't go out there. It's so tragic. This guy had his whole life ahead of him.

Drew, your whole family's out there.

Remember, life goes on.

Everybody, toast to the marriage of Stephen and Mimi.

Hey,

five seconds. You stayed on the bull longer this time.

I can't believe the bull's married my brother.

You know, I thought I'd be okay with this, but the closer we get to the

the worse it gets.

You know what? We'll get through this together.

Have you told your mom about us?

No, I mean, you know, we haven't even had our first date yet.

Besides, she's had enough joy already today. I like to give all my good news

small doses.

Like God does with me.

Could you bring the camera in here? I want to get some pictures of Mimi with

family. I'm going to photograph the crime scene.

I heard that, mister.

Now, you've been making snide remarks all day. I will not have you ruining

special time.

Sorry. Bye.

Now, let's get out there.

Remember, you're never fully dressed without a smile.

How's this look?

That's not good.

Hey. Okay, now hurry. The right side's already falling.

Thank you, dear.

Now, Steve and Mimi get together. I want a picture of you two for your father.

Oh, I'm so sorry you couldn't make it. I hope his back is feeling better.

Well, it's his own fault. He's trying to do a backflip off the diving board to

impress that 62 -year -old tarte with the new hips.

Now, Stephen, put your arm around Mimi.

To make our honeymoon more special, Mimi and I decided not to be intimate for

the week before the wedding.

Yeah, if we start getting all smoochy now, you have to hose us down like a

couple of dogs in the driveway.

Did you hear that?

She manages to make dogs having sex in the driveway sound ugly.

If I may, I'd like to propose a toast.

Well, of course, Uncle Alfred.

Go ahead.

First, I just want to throw this out there.

I took the wrong pills, and I'm going to have an erection in two hours.

Let's see if we wrap this dinner up in one hour. What do you say?

You know, Steve, time goes by so fast. It seems just like yesterday that I was

raising my own family in this wonderful house and then turned it over to your

parents. Turned it over. That's code for gouged.

Anyway, it brings back so many wonderful memories to be here. And I have another

one to add. You and Mimi getting married.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, I better shut up now.

I'm feeling something is stirring.

Yes, we don't want that to ruin another family picture.

Now, everybody gather together.

Kate, would you mind?

Drew, dear, go over by your brother.

Okay, everybody, get together.

Smell your musk.

I can feel the heat from your body.

I can taste my vomit.

Bones, I've got to go downtown and pick up some marital aids for my honeymoon,

and some of the devices require a ten -day waiting period.

Why? So the guy can buy a gun and go kill himself?

How could you?

What? Did you or did you not order the napkins and the matchbooks for the

wedding? Yeah, that's the problem.

Mimi, I've stopped looking. I found the beast. Love, Steve, 1999.

Mimi, I've stopped looking. I found the beast. Love, Steve.

What do you want, a Steven?

Beast? It says beast.

You're supposed to say I found the best. You called Mimi a beast.

Oh, man, are they all like that?

Yes.

500 napkins and 200 matchbooks, and it's too late to get them redone.

Sorry, I ordered them off the internet. I just must have typed it up wrong.

Wrong?

I know how you feel about Mimi.

This is ridiculous. I'm as shocked about this as you are.

I think I know what's going on here.

You're doing everything you can to ruin the biggest day of my life. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, because you don't want me to get married. Yes, I do.

To Mimi? Yes. Mimi Bobeck, not Mimi Rogers, the first wife of Tom Cruise.

Damn.

I thought so.

Well, if you can't trust your own brother, maybe he shouldn't be your best

Carrie!

One of your messages got left in my box by mistake. It's a really funny one,

too. Listen.

Your great -uncle Alfred...

He's a big crybaby.

He cried in his sleep of a heart attack.

And that's died.

That's not funny at all.

Well, Alfred's gone.

He was fine last night.

Well, I guess you never know what's going to happen.

I'm sorry, bro.

I know you didn't do it on purpose. Oh, no, it's my fault.

I want you to be my best man.

I'm going to make sure you have the best wedding ever.

What a lovely wake.

It was very moving.

You know, he was the third carry to die on the toilet.

I thought he died in his sleep.

He did.

Well, he was a... Good man, Mom, and we'll miss him.

Oh, thank you, honey. I just wish he could have seen you get married

Me too.

Well, better get going. Big day tomorrow.

Just think, tonight I take my last strawberry bubble bath as a single man.

Oh, I just thank God he found someone who accepts him for who he is.

See, Louis?

There's hope for everybody.

God puts them together.

Thank you, Mrs. C. May I have another?

Kate and Drew, come and help me make some coffee.

So, who wants coffee?

I would love some.

We got it.

Now, how do you take your coffee, Kate?

Um, just sugar, please. And how long are you going to date my son before you

told me?

How did you know?

A mother knows.

And I'll tell you something else.

You two haven't had sex yet.

Wow, you're good.

No, I'm bluffing, but now I know.

Hey, Drew, someone's here to see you.

Who? Uncle Alfred.

What the hell?

Oh, my God, he found his way home.

for you, honey, but it was Uncle Alfred's dying wish that he be buried in

backyard. What? My backyard?

What? Why?

Well, so that he could look out on his beautiful yard where his children used

play. That's why he wanted this glass window put in.

I think it looks like Snow White's coffin.

Like if you were to kiss him, he'd come back to life.

Oh, my God, he's still breathing.

Just me.

I can't bury him here. I mean, I'm already the single guy who lives alone

parents' house.

I can't be seen digging a grave in my backyard.

Besides, you know, it's illegal.

You can't give a home burial to any primate higher than a baboon. I learned

the hard way.

There's nothing to worry about. The funeral home is not going to say a word.

promise them all the future Carrie business.

You would have thought it was Christmas the way their eyes lit up.

Yeah, but what about Steve's wedding tomorrow?

Yeah, well, that's why you have to bury him tonight.

Now, Drew, you don't have to do this. I can't make you do it. I just know that

it's your great -uncle's dying wish.

Good night.

I hope to see almost everybody in the morning.

ground is hard.

It's frozen. Come on.

Get me another brew, would you, buddy?

Thanks.

Scrape digging is thirsty business.

Tell me about it.

Let's make a really bad beer commercial.

Hey, guys.

What you doing?

Planting your winter bulbs?

Yeah. I put my tulips in last week.

I dropped off some band gear for the reception tomorrow night.

Hey, what's in them?

We're kind of in the middle of something here you really don't want to have any

part of.

It's okay.

I've got to go anyway.

All right.

Wait a minute.

Did I just see what I thought I saw?

Look. It's Saturn, the ring planet.

Second largest in our solar system.

Keep your eyes open, boys.

There's wonders all around us.

Joe, we've been at this for three hours. Man, why don't we go inside and warm

up? Yeah, what the hell.

I deserve a break. Hey, listen.

I can't leave the coffin here. It might freeze to the ground. Let's get it up on

the stage.

All right.

You know what? We should cover up the coffin, too. You never know who might

by. Good idea.

Ten minutes, we're right back at it, huh? Yeah, yeah. We'll really hit it

okay? Yeah.

Let's take a...

We slept all night.

The body!

Huh?

Oh, no.

Well, we didn't drink our problems away.

Well, if we can't move it now, what are we going to tell your brother?

Nothing.

He's got enough horrible surprises to deal with tonight.

For crying out loud. It happens at every party. A condor crapped on this.

Hey. Hey.

So where'd you guys bury the body? I don't want to step on him. That would be

creepy.

Relax. You're eating often.

He's under here?

Shh. I promised our brother a perfect wedding, and nobody's going to know

this. So you turned him into a dolly platter?

Drew, you remember Mrs. Boback, Mimi's mother?

Call me Tammy.

We're going to be family now.

Yeah, we sure are.

Drew.

Okay.

Oh, my.

What a lovely buffet.

Something smells unusual.

I just cut a huge one.

Oh.

Hello.

I'm Stephen's mother, Beulah. You must be Mimi's mother. That's right. How did

you know?

Well, I think it's the eyes.

Hey, Ed. That music sounded great.

Hey, you know, I don't do just music.

I also do a little magic for the kiddies. Hey, kid.

What's that I see behind your ear?

Oh, it's my business card.

It says I'm available for birthday parties.

Gee, that was a great trick there, Ed. You got any more?

As a matter of fact, I got one more trick. Should really make the kiddies

finish anything.

This is your paper route all over again.

Are you responsible for this? Hey, I tried to dig a grave, but the ground was

too hard.

Then, you know, went inside a cup of beer. I don't believe you.

You did this on purpose. You made my big day a big one.

Steve, it's all a mistake. Wait.

Hello, everyone.

What's all this?

Oh.

Something old.

Steve, come out of there. The wedding's supposed to start a half hour ago. Come

on. No, it doesn't matter anymore.

I told you, everything's ruined. Send everyone home. The wedding is off.

The hell it is.

So there's a corpse in the backyard, one less Carrie in the world. Boo -hoo, now

get out here.

Honey, let us handle this. If he sees you before the wedding, it's bad luck.

Yeah, any time he sees Mimi, he's...

Not a good time to tell that joke.

Listen to me, you wedding -wrecking bastard.

If your brother's not out there in one minute, I swear by all that's holy, I

will burn this house down.

She'll do it, too. You see what she's done to her face?

It's your mother. Now, I've been married 45 years, and I'm going to tell you, if

you're going to go running in the bathroom every time something doesn't go

way, you're going to spend the rest of your life in the crapper.

Listen, this is all my fault.

If you want to punish anybody, you know, punish me.

And the best way to do that is to marry Mimi.

Don't hurt the woman you love.

Go get ready, woman.

We're getting married.

Permission to squeal? Granted.

Bad news, everybody.

I persuaded some of the guests to stay, but the priest had to leave you to

perform another wedding.

Wait a second.

There's got to be a way around this. Does anybody know a minister or priest

can call?

I know a guy.

Oh, no, it won't work.

We don't talk anymore.

Hey, I'm certified to perform marriages.

Yeah, I'm a third -level warlock in the church of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I don't think so, Lewis.

Wait a second.

That gives me an idea.

You give me ten minutes, and you're going to have a wedding.

What?

All right.

Okay, have it your way. But at my ceremony, there's actually something for

dead guy to do.

In the sight of God and the Reverend Foreman from www .instantwedding .com.

Join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

So how did you find out about this website?

Oh, my guess is every once in a while he stops by a non -porn site to throw the

FBI off.

Steve, do you take this woman to be your wedded wife? And do you promise to love

her, honor her, and keep her in sickness and in health until death do you part?

I do.

All right.

Mimi, do you take this man to be your wedded husband, and do you promise to

him, honor him, and keep him in sickness and in health until death do you part?

I do.

Mimi, will you set this ring as a token of Steve's affection, sincerity, and

fidelity towards you?

Oh, I got mail.

Anybody up for a new Clinton joke?

Get on with it!

Sorry.

I may now place the ring on Mimi's hand.

I declare by the authority of Reverend Foreman in the state of Ohio... Oh, I

lost the window. Hold on.

Look up in that control panel system menu chooser thing.

Okay, got it. That's it.

I now declare you husband and wife.

And, you know, I just want to say that in spite of me and my differences, I

hope you guys have a wonderful life together.

You may now kiss the bride.

For God's sakes,

cut it out!

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Steve Carey.