Original subtitles

What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night.

Actually, according to the paper, the sun rises at 5 .43, so technically, it's

the morning.

Morning. How did you say that? What's the headline today?

Drew discovers Kate's not a morning person.

Look, I'm sorry I woke you up, but I couldn't sleep last night. I still can't

believe you said you love me, so I'd like to get it on tape.

Can you just state your full name, please?

Sure.

Drew, I said I loved you last night because that's how I felt.

That was Kate O 'Brien speaking of her own free will.

You know how happy it makes me that you said that because, you know, I feel the

same way too.

So, anyway, I'll let you get back to sleep and I'll talk to you later.

Drew, I think it's really sweet that you came by.

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh. Well.

Right, Kurt?

I'm a grinder.

I'm a night screamer.

Good night, Drew. Night.

It's just a little preview.

Hey, forget that bad news.

The real headline is, Kate loves Drew.

Smells good. What's for breakfast?

It's that sunny side up, whatever it is.

Wait a second.

She said felt.

Drew, I said I loved you last night because that's how I felt.

Said?

Loved? Felt?

Damn it, it's all in the past.

Oh, 600 hours.

Loved your care and will continue to do so if he leaves right now.

Ready to go to premarital counseling?

Yeah, wait till Father Seymour gets a load of this.

I don't know whether to kiss you or get down on my knees.

Oh, well, if you're nice to me, you could do both.

Mimi, I need you to distribute this memo.

Oh, I've got a shirt just like that, except he's holding a beer and

church wedding, so we need a priest's approval.

I was raised a good Catholic, and like my mom says, if we're not married by a

priest, I'll go to hell forever and roast in the flames that burn but do not

consume.

Right.

So, Steve, will we be mentioning to the church that you like to wear women's

clothing? Well,

do naughty things at night while he's sleeping.

Hey, bro.

Hey, good news, pig. We're on our way to counseling. The last step before I

become part of your family.

Talk about marrying my brother all you want, Mimi. It won't bother me. I'm

already nauseous.

Oh, Mimi, he gave us his blessing.

Thanks, bro.

Oh, I'm so happy.

I'm pretty happy, too.

Oh, stop at the neck. If you turn Mama's engine on, you gotta drive her home.

It's Steve and Mimi's wedding.

Oh, well, I'm sorry if we're making you sick.

By the way, his tongue touched my oovula.

Don't let him get to you, Drew.

I'll be fine. I'll be okay in a minute.

Drew Carey.

Oovula!

All right, let's change the subject.

What are you doing this Friday night?

I'm getting drunk, watching Sabrina, wondering if 9 .30 is too early to go to

bed.

Not this Friday night.

I think it's time for our first date.

Wow.

Our first date? Yeah. I made reservations at this romantic little

restaurant. I just want it to be special because, you know, it'll be our first

night of being more than just friends.

So I guess Lewis and Oswald won't be there?

I'll hire a sitter.

Ouch. All right, don't think about Steve and Mimi. Think about our date.

Oh, Mimi, I am so glad that you have found such a wonderful man, and it will

my pleasure to marry you.

Holy cripes, we're in!

And I appreciate your coming here today to be so open and honest with me here

in the eyes of the Lord.

Well, actually, there is a part of my life that I haven't been totally honest

about.

I have in the past and sometimes still do cross -dress. In fact, I thought of

joining the priesthood just for the robes.

I think the official Catholic stance on it is that it's not a sin, but it is

yucky.

Just so there will be no more surprises, let me ask you a few more questions.

You will both accept the church's wishes on birth control. Oh, you got it. And

you will both attend mass regularly. Yes, yes.

And neither of you has ever been married before. That's correct.

Mimi?

Well, how many of those do you have to get right in order to pass?

You were married?

I was young. It was only for two weeks. Who was he?

Eddie Money.

Mimi Money, the rock star?

You were Mimi Money?

Why do I just worry about this now?

It's not a part of my life that I'm proud of. He was a struggling musician

was at his first concert. Our eyes met and it was like the other two people in

the room didn't even exist.

Mimi, you know the church recognizes only one marriage.

And if you want me to marry you two, you have to have your first one annulled.

Well, how am I supposed to do that?

You have to find this Mr. Money and get him to sign one of these annulment

agreements, and then we'll send it right on to the church tribunal. Well, it's

not going to be easy to get Eddie to talk to me.

Why not?

The last time he saw me, I was shooting at him as he swam away from our

houseboat.

make it tonight. He's got a really bad stomach ache.

Did you say stomach ache?

Drew's never had a stomach ache in his life.

Oh, come on. Remember when we ate that old, swelled -up can of deviled ham and

had to go to the hospital?

Yeah, and who drove us to the hospital eating a deviled ham sandwich the whole

way?

Right. I hope Drew's feeling better for our date Friday night.

Don't worry.

Drew told me all about it.

I wanted to tell you, Oswald, I just didn't know how you'd take it.

You know, considering we almost got married.

Someone's acting like she's the only girl who ever left me at the altar.

Trust me, those emotions are long gone. I even played the tape we made together

and I don't feel a thing.

You still have that tape we made?

Yeah, at the karaoke bar.

Oh, that tape.

I thought you meant the video tape.

No. I accidentally sold that at a yard sale.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Did you figure out what's wrong with your stomach yet?

That's just an irritable bowel.

What happens to be Mary and my brother?

Oh, we just came from the church and I checked it out. Apparently, you're the

only one Jesus doesn't love.

Yeah, well, he likes me as a friend.

How'd the counseling session go?

Well, we just need Eddie Money to sign this form, and then we can get married.

I will never understand that Catholic religion.

Hey, it's nothing for you people to worry about. The wedding's going to go

schedule, and next week I'm going to be biting the headboard as Mrs. Steve

Carey.

Oh, forget about them. I'm here for you now.

Ow! Ow!

Drew, look at me. Look at me.

Think puppy dogs, fluffy white clouds, candy canes.

Anything but what kind of position Mimi would have to be in to bite the

headboard.

Would you stop?

I will take care of him.

Ow!

Maybe we should call a doctor.

Um, I'm okay. As a matter of fact, I'm starting to feel a little bit better

right now. Oh, good.

Hey, you want a chili cheese fry? I don't feel like eating anything fried

now.

It concerns me a little. I'd like to try it again.

Huh?

Well, we'll be wandering around if you need us. Hey, we should head down to the

nurse's station. They've been looking at accident victims all day. We should

look pretty good to them.

Do you think this could be psychological?

Drew's been kind of upset about his brother's wedding.

That's a possibility.

Are you two married?

No, we just started dating.

Ow! Does this hurt here?

No. That's interesting.

Drew, you want to hold my hand?

Wait a second.

We have a date Friday night.

Mimi's marrying your brother.

Drew and Kate forever.

Mimi's throbbing uvula.

Oh, my God, it's me.

The thought of going out with me makes you sick. No kidding.

He must be in the shower or something. Listen, I just want to let you know that

the date is definitely on.

Talk to the doctors. It's food poisoning after all. So I'll see you about 8 o

'clock. Okay, bye.

You can't start your relationship off with a lie.

He's right. I always wait until after dinner until I tell him I left my wallet

in the bush.

In Europe.

You just have to call it off until you feel better. No.

Wait on my life for this date. I'll be fine.

I gotta think, though. How does a guy keep from doubling over every time he

looks at his girlfriend?

Now that's just rude.

You know what?

Maybe you're just scared of that big moment when you first show up at Kate's

door. Here, let me help you get past that.

Hi, Drew.

You look wonderful.

Give it to me, big boy. Yeah!

the mouth cut out?

Don't worry, it's nothing weird. I've got one of all of you.

All right, well, I gotta go.

Maybe it'll feel better if I just loosen up my pants a little until I get there.

Sure.

How do I look?

Not just sexy, grandpa sexy.

I put together a little care package for you.

Fine, I don't need a care package.

Drew, you're crying.

Thought you'd be dressed up more.

Drew, we're not going on our date.

It's really hard for me to see you like this. I just think your body's trying to

tell you something, like, you know, maybe I'm just not the right person for

No, it's not that. The stomach noise is just my body, like, cleaning up, beating

out the rugs, getting ready for company.

Maybe we should just give this a rest right now.

I'll call you later.

Okay? But, Kate, it... Oh, I don't believe this.

I have been so good to you. No salads, no sit -ups. You're the envy of all your

friends.

Here, Drew, take these.

They're incredibly strong pain pills developed by Drunko. They'll knock you

right out. Nice.

They're top secret, so I had to smuggle them out of the building inside my body.

inside my pockets.

Okay.

Thanks for coming with me, Mr. Wick.

I still can't remember why the hell you were shooting at me from that house

phone. Whores.

Oh, yeah.

The reason we're here, Eddie, is I need you to sign this paper that said that

our marriage never existed.

Mr. Wick will be our witness.

Wait a minute, Mimi.

That'd be like meaning that the two best weeks of my life never happened.

I can't do that.

Well, Eddie, I need you to sign it so I can get married in a church again.

But that would be a lie.

And you know, Mimi, I'm all about the truth.

Great album concept, huh? All about the truth.

Side one.

Side two, all about the lies.

My God, he's a genius.

I feel like Sally Eddie.

Fine. Don't give me the annulment. I'll still get married and go to hell and

I'll see you there, Eddie Money. And I'll spend eternity kicking your ass.

No, Mimi.

I didn't come all this way without getting an autograph.

Mimi, get married again. See if I care.

He'll never give you what I gave you.

Oh, what? A boat for a house and a lake for a toilet?

Oh, well, well.

It's all this thing.

Someone signed their autograph on this annulment.

There is something nice you could do for me, Mimi.

Lewis, Kaylee.

Hey, it's nice to be able to face all the noises.

Whatcha doing?

Well, I'm making a sandwich.

That's the way it looks when it gets down to me.

So, hey, as long as you're here, how come you're ruining my life? Me? It's

tying me up in knots.

You and that brainy yours. You're trying to wreck this thing with Kate on

purpose. Why would I do that? Because you're afraid.

You figure if you don't start this relationship with Kate, you can't screw

up. I think now you're just talking out of my ass.

You wanted to get him out here to back me up.

It's the biggest thing in my life. What am I supposed to do? Well, it's simple.

Just try to keep the acid secretions down and the mucus layer thick.

You know, this is why the heart has Valentine's Day and you got nuts.

Listen, all I'm saying is just relax.

Relax. What's happened to my guy, Mr.

Serious?

She loves you.

Okay, Sarah?

Sarah?

No.

Do you mind, guys?

No, no, sure.

Thanks.