Original subtitles

Testing, this is Mimi Bobeck.

Testing, one, two, three.

So, can you see me?

Yes, Mimi.

We're actually broadcasting to our website.

Really? Hey, all you geeks out there, both hands on the keyboard.

Hey, look, they're selling baboon art on eBay.

Today, our first guest is the world's loneliest crotch.

If you frighten it, it will retreat back into its... Oh, there it goes!

What's with the camera?

Mimi had this brilliant idea for selling Winford Louder's new signature line of

home appliances over the Internet.

All you have to do is type in winloud .com. Yeah, Winford Louder's going to

all their stuff in my apartment, then they're going to broadcast it over the

Internet 24 hours a day, and I'm going to be the spokesman, and people get to

take a look into my life.

Well, you know, last night on the Internet, I saw a veterinarian give a

enema, so why not?

Whatever gets you home.

But here's the best part, because I'm starring in it, I get to keep all the

stuff when it's over.

Ah, one little change, Mimi.

Sure, what?

You don't get to keep anything, and it's not going to be you.

I beg your pardon?

The board felt you'd overshadow the appliances.

We need someone so bland, so dull, they have less charisma than a toaster.

Someone so unbe...

tedious. All right, I know you're talking about me.

And the answer's yes.

It was my idea. What do I get for it? A gift certificate for $100 worth of

Winfrey Louder merchandise, not valid on weekends or holidays, only between the

hours of 10 and 2, and good only in our Toledo store.

Well, that sucks.

Yes, but it also comes with this lovely view of my ass.

God bless you, Internet. Thank you for my brand new big screen TV.

And thank you for my brand new stereo.

Welcome to Winford Louder's House of Easy Living.

I'm Drew Carey. For the next two weeks, you'll be watching my life live on the

Internet 24 hours a day.

Nice big screen, huh?

Got it at Winford Louder for only... Can this be right?

$999 .99!

Well, it's a big screen. Just think, all that wholesome cable entertainment,

three feet wide.

Hey, Drew. Hey, guys. What are you doing here?

Well, we just came by to say hello and to remind you that I'm still a single,

flaxen -haired man just slightly past his sexual prime.

And that you can email me at lewishotbod .com.

Excuse my freakishly large hands.

And I'm Oswald, the likable character who people trust.

Hey, look at this. The only two boobs people don't want to see on the

Drew, that's a big scream. I'd hate to have that fall on my enormous feet. And

remember, I have enormous hands as well.

Doctor, can you just cover for me for a second? I have to go to the bathroom. No

problem, buddy. Get a cover.

Hello, World Wide Web, and welcome as the curtain rises on Belly Button

She's going to want to talk about herself.

Lewis, I have a problem.

I know you're an only child and it's all about you. Go on.

I want to show you something, but you have to promise not to tell a soul.

Oh, I get it.

After 30 years, Lewis finally gets to see it, huh?

Well, maybe Lewis is tired of waiting.

Maybe Lewis doesn't want to see it anymore, huh?

I'm kidding. Show it to me.

It's a letter.

Oh. What did you think it was?

This is awkward. Show me the letter.

It's for Drew.

I thought it would be a good way to tell him that I love him.

Friends for years.

Hard for me to say.

Finally realize I love you.

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever read, you soulless, self -involved

she -devil.

Why? What's wrong with it? You can't give this to Drew. You heard what the

therapist said. He should stay away from relationships till he learns to love

himself. But I don't have that kind of time.

You've waited this long. You can wait a little longer. If you jump the gun now,

you're going to blow it for both of you.

Okay, I'll wait, but it's killing me to keep this inside.

Look, I know it's hard, but believe me, the longer you keep something inside,

the better it feels when you finally release it.

talking about emotions?

Let's say that I am.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, saw the show last night. Love that little competition between the

humidifier and the dehumidifier. Oh.

I fell asleep. Who actually won? The humidifier, but didn't cover the spread.

Tonight,

I'm doing a special about the toaster oven.

Half -breed.

That sounds great. Sounds like the words of a man who loves himself and is ready

to start loving others.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

We're just practicing for the next time one of us secretly wants the other one

to shut up.

Carrie, glad to have found you. Tell me, are you enjoying your little internet

show? As a matter of fact, I am.

Good, because our viewers aren't. Your pathetic home life is depressing the

out of them.

What's wrong with my pathetic home life? Well, perhaps these emails will give

you a clue.

Why doesn't he go out on Saturday nights?

Why doesn't he have a girlfriend?

Why does he spend so much time in the bathroom?

Please don't cancel my website.

Don't worry, Kenny.

We've thought of a way to save the promotion.

We are going to do something for you that you haven't been able to do in 40

years. We are going to get a woman to live with you.

Who's the girl going to be?

We're looking for an attractive female employee who's willing to spend up to

three hours a night helping you promote the product.

Drew and a pretty woman? Not bad.

Drew and a monkey? Fun for the whole family.

No, I'm going to go with the pretty woman.

Who knows? Sparks may fly.

They probably will.

The important thing is that Drew's happy.

Wait a minute. That monkey thing gave me an idea.

How about Kate?

O 'Brien, put your arm around him.

Ah. An ugly thing with a pretty thing. I like it. It's funny.

You say, Kate, you want to be my girlfriend?

Kate.

You're hired, O 'Brien. You start tomorrow.

It'll be fine to be a couple, Drew.

Oh, P .U., O 'Brien. I hope you act better than that tomorrow.

something every day this week. I haven't given you a Winford Louder pasta maker.

Actually, you did on Monday.

But thanks to Winford Louder's no questions asked return policy, we can

back. No problem.

Sounds like you like Winford Louder more than you love me.

Don't be silly, honey. I love you best.

Honest.

Oh, what smells so good?

Dinner. I made you... use steak using Winford Louder's rotisserie cooker. But

first, have a glass of Winford Louder's Chardonnay. Oh, is there any place they

don't like Winford Louder?

I know a place, Drew. It's called hell.

Come on.

I have a surprise for you.

Wow, Kate.

You went all out.

You deserve a kiss.

Okay.

Look who's here. It's the kindly old Winfred Lauder boss, ho, ho, ho, who

a word with these two outside. So, Internet geeks, here is a picture of

beloved Lieutenant Uhura to entertain you.

Enjoy.

I'm really sorry to interrupt this little picture of domestic harmony, but,

'Brien, you're out.

The Internet hates you two as a couple. They think there's absolutely no

chemistry. That's ridiculous.

Don't feel bad, O 'Brien. You did get one email from a little boy in Utah

like a photograph of your feet.

You can't break us up, Mr. Wick.

Kate and I have a big history together. We go way back.

Shh.

Nobody move.

A model just wandered into my backyard.

No need to whisper, Drew. This one won't run away. Drew, I'd like you to meet

your new girlfriend.

Hi, I'm Isabel.

She works down in the complaints department.

Don't complain. How come I never met you sooner?

That's ridiculous.

Nobody believed Drew and her together.

Right. Not until we break up. Come on, Kate.

Obviously, you've got to be the one cheating on me because I'm the star of

show and people love me.

Hey, pig. I saw your show last night. You and that Latin spitfire are really

something together.

Yeah, Isabel's great, isn't she? And I think she likes me. Yesterday she smiled

at me off camera. Yeah, she probably had gas.

I mean, obviously she loves you. Here, I brought you some coffee.

Just set it down on my desk.

No saliva.

No urine.

I want to be on your show. I need an outlet for my creative juices.

Excuse me while I catch up with my skin.

Come on, please. Can I just, please?

What would you do on my show?

I could, uh, play a tough inner -city principal who turns around her troubled

students with music and makeup.

Or you could just play yourself, and then you could escort scientists into

Congo to find the rest of your family.

You're not going to be on my show.

Fine.

Just remember, a little education, lots of lipstick and foundation.

It takes a village.

No!

I don't know.

Isabel, what are you doing up here? I just found out I'm an internet star.

Someone put Gwyneth Paltrow's head on my body.

And I made you some lunch.

That's so sweet.

I did a little something for you, too. You know, you had all those sick days

you didn't get credit for them.

Well, I made a couple of calls and... Drew, you got me a shot for the whole

amount! Thank you!

Hey,

you two.

You can drop the act. Cameras aren't on.

Drew just did the greatest thing for me. You have no idea how sweet he is. Oh, I

think I have some idea. After all, I've known him since before you were born.

And before I was born, too.

Well, the verdict is in.

You two are making America tingle in their swimsuit area.

Drew and Isabella are a hit. Internet sales are up 2%. Oh, yes.

For a minute, I thought it was me they didn't like, but it turns out just

because she doesn't have any chemistry with... Woo!

The ball's decided to extend the promotion a further two weeks. Any

Yes, hello, Brian. I see you.

See you tonight, Drew.

After we sell the new floor wax, I'll teach you to tango.

Vamos a bailar todos anoche.

Si.

What'd she say?

I don't know.

What if she was making fun of you? I don't care.

Listen, uh... I want to ask her out.

I thought the store's therapist told you to take some time off from dating. That

was before I met Isabel.

She's amazing.

I mean...

I'm just worried that if we stay friends too long, we won't be able to date.

It'll just be too weird.

Well, I don't know about that. I think a strong friendship is a good foundation

for a long -lasting relationship.

Yeah, well, Isabel isn't exactly the kind of woman you want to be friends

if you know what I mean.

Fine. Marry your little spitfire for all I care. But remember this. When the

fire goes out, all you're left with is spit.

Kathy, are we talking or are we drinking?

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Drew. Hey.

You know what's up with Kate? I told her about Isabel today, and she's acting

all upset.

I don't know. She has been acting weird lately.

But you'll never get it out of me!

Give it up, boys, because when something goes in here, it dies.

Fine. You don't have to tell us anything.

Who wants to get Gabby?

We're just going to sit here.

Have us a few beers.

Relax.

First one to hurl is a girl.

We've known each other for a long time, right?

I don't think we should have any more secrets between us.

Let's make a pact right now.

No more secrets.

There you go. No secrets.

I got something I want to get off my chest.

I may have a son.

I got a call the other night. That's a good one. Lewis.

All right.

But this is a hard one because it involves someone we all know.

Kate loves... Kate loves...

Kate loves rock and roll.

And you didn't hear it from me.

Uh, I forget. Who loves rock and roll?

Probably my son.

Anything to chat the old man.

Hey, Isabel, did you know these Winford Ladder bouncy balls only cost $15?

You're kidding.

I'm having at least $20 worth of fun.

Hey, Kate.

Hey, you think I should have this looked at?

Look,

I just want to apologize for the way I acted the other day. I don't know what

came over me.

Is that Drew's shirt?

Yeah, I spilled some sauce on mine. What was it you were saying, Drew?

Now it's hot sauce.

You know, I bought that shirt for Drew.

So what do you want me to do? Take it off?

Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?

Standing there with your bra full of breasts.

Me and my bra full of the breasts are going to hit the road.

I think you and Kate should talk.

But, Isabel, Kate is crazy.

It's better if I go. We'll talk tomorrow.

As soon as I do this last pitch, I'm going to ask Isabel out on a date.

Drew, I really need to talk to you. No. Can we go outside? It's personal.

I have a job to do. There's thousands of people watching. If they have anything

to say, it better be about this refrigerator.

Okay, fine. Let's talk about your refrigerator.

I'm in love with it. I'm in love with your fridge.

And why wouldn't you be? Look at all the eggs it can hold.

I mean, I can't imagine a day going by where I don't talk to your fridge at

or meet it down at the Warsaw or just hang out with it in its kitchen.

That refrigerator?

And I've been afraid to tell it I've been attracted to it because I didn't

it to ruin our friendship.

Attracted?

Are you talking about the model of a refrigerator that's right in front of

The one that's waving?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You serious?

That's good, right? You're happy, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm happy. I'm happy, and I'm surprised. I'm confused.

I'm... Am I dying? Are you dying? Is one of us dying?

You know what? Maybe I should give you some time with this, and I will call you

later, okay?

She loves me.

Hey,

I'm walking in there.

Believe Drew broke up with Isabel and has to give all this stuff back. Yeah,

we still got time to use this fancy new washer.

Once you download it lasts longer.