Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Drew Carey. Welcome to the live episode of The Drew Carey Show.

Not only are we live tonight, we're going to be improvising a lot of the

right in front of you. Here to tell you more is our host, Brad Sherwood.

Thanks. Five seconds, Drew.

Ooh, I better get into my costume.

There you go.

Okay, every time I come out on stage tonight, the actors are going to have to

come up with their lines on the spot in front of millions of people.

Oh, and if someone swears, we're going to cut to an old episode of I Dream of

Jeannie.

Don't ask me why. It's just cheaper than a bleep noise.

Enjoy the show.

Wow.

A rose.

Nice. It looks like someone has a secret admirer.

Wow. I haven't had a secret admirer since... Wow, a secret admirer.

So, Drew.

I hear that you swore off women a couple of weeks ago.

Yeah. The store therapist talked me into it.

Yeah, I took some time off to find the real me and I felt better. Good for you.

I found the real me in the Navy.

Hold on.

Every time they hear the bell ring, the actor has to come up with a new line.

I found the real me when I was a body double on the movie Touched by a Hell's

Angel.

I found the real me when I was on that rafting trip in the Ozarks.

I've got a plan for my bachelor party. Oh, it's going to be great.

I've got it all written down.

We're going to get really drunk, smoke a bunch of cigars, and then go to the

shooting range.

Then we call the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms and tell them

for the idea.

Oh, that's adorable. When are you going to set each other's hair, you bunch of

women?

Excuse me?

Oh, that's adorable. When are you going to get out the paper dolls and the angel

food cake, you bunch of wussy giggle girls?

Excuse me, but what do you have planned for your bachelorette party that's so

exciting? Well, we're going to go to a new strip club. Well, I don't think I

like this.

When you drink, you lose your inhibitions and someone could take

you. Yeah, next thing you know, you wake up on a farm in Indiana pulling a hay

cart.

Well, I'm doing it. It's my last night as a free woman and I'm going to enjoy

myself. Well, two can play at this.

I thought the board of hell set that place down.

Uh, where do they serve the jello?

Got a package for Mr. Wick?

Yes, what is it?

What indeed?

We've put a little surprise in this box, and you each have to come up with an

explanation for what it is. Mr. Wick?

Thank you very much.

Oh, lovely!

My favorite's a hat!

Yeah, see?

My favorite!

It's for satanic worship.

Oh, Mr. Wick, I knew you missed Europe, so I...

Got you this antiquity.

It's my codpiece.

All right, Oswald, Mimi, Mr. Wick. Use this and find a reason to go into your

office.

Mimi, kill this octopus and follow me into my office.

Oswald, can you help me blow up this balloon?

You bet.

Just that easy.

Excuse me. Are you in charge of hiring?

Yeah, Drew Carey. Arturo Brachetti. I just moved here from Italy.

My resume.

I'm really sorry, Arturo, but all we have openings for now is in young men's

clothing. You've got to be kind of hip to work there.

Oh, but I can be very hip.

Do you mind?

Si.

I'm cool like Fonzie.

Yeah.

Hey, you're cool like Fonzie now.

You mean you don't like Arturo Brachetti?

No, no, look, I'm sure you're very hard workers.

Ha!

Oh. If that is what you want, and what you mean, I have no problem.

See?

I like to be bee -sy.

Get it?

Yeah, look at you. You're a bee.

Hey, you know who'd like to see this? Security.

No, no, no. Please, please. Don't be afraid. I can be sweet and innocent,

like a little flower.

Yeah, I'm all for that line again.

You didn't take the bus to get here, did you?

Listen, you know, what I'm going to do is I'm going to take your resume here

just take it to my boss and be right back. By the way, if I come back in your

water cooler or something, just wave your hand.

You shamed me, Mr. Drew Carey.

You are the master.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present Wayne Brady and Laura Hall.

Hi.

Wayne and Laura, I would like you to make up a new song for the credits in

style of a mambo tune. But now the Drew Carey show is about a sexy coroner.

to help too, Mimi.

Crap.

Woo!

Come, come now.

There he goes down the stairs in a jiffy.

He's the man with the glasses and his friends, they tend to the stiffies.

He dances from his feet to his head.

And the subject of his show and his friends, they like folks who are dead.

You wanted

to

see me?

I don't like being mad at you.

I'll miss you tonight, sloshing around in my waterbed.

All alone like a dinghy.

Well, maybe you could get one of your stripper friends to make you a glass of

warm milk and a butt hoagie.

Maybe you could get one of your stripper friends to make you a nice hot ham and

cheese sandwich.

I can understand you being jealous.

You have to live with the fact that everywhere I go, men are going to look

and say, oh, my God.

That's why I decided that we should have our bachelor and bachelorette parties

together. Just one great big bash.

What do you say?

I say I'd have to thank heaven that they sent me such a rainbow -colored angel.

Oh, that's so beautiful.

Let's do it in the alley now.

Yes.

Hey, wait. What's going on? I hear you all the way upstairs.

Oh, sorry, Lewis. We're just replacing the heating ducts. The old ones rusted

out. Okay, Wayne.

You know nothing about construction, but you're trying to fake it. And, Lewis?

Construction talk really turns you on.

Yeah, so what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to get the biggest piece of pipe

and lay it. Oh, man, that's a big one, all right. Right, so I'm just... I bet

you'd like to nail that to the wall, huh?

Well, actually, yes, I'm going to use the trajectory of my muscle -powered

hammer to drive it forth into the circumvest circle of the anticular wall.

I see you have a tape measure there. Measure me, please.

Sure.

Most measuring is done in a bilateral -equilateral state.

Oh, yeah.

Twelve inches or more. Uh -huh.

Lewis. What? I got to talk to you.

Guess what?

Drew's been talking about dating again, which means I can finally tell him I'm

in love with him.

Oh, hold on there, missy.

Let me give you a little test to make sure you're ready for this.

Picture Drew naked.

All right.

French fry?

Sure.

Okay, you pass.

Okay, you two.

You guys are going to argue about whether you should go out with Drew.

you're an ex -cheerleader who can only talk in cheers.

And Lewis, you're a professional wrestler.

Go!

Lewis, Lewis, Lewis!

apartment, no one can hear it.

Hey, Wayne.

Hey. You guys finally putting fans in the bathroom?

Yep. The big heavy -duty kind.

Oh? I love a challenge.

Oh, yeah?

I'm gonna break those pipes in a week.

I want you to fix the gas leak in my oven. I do it myself, but I always get

sleepy.

I'm serious.

You can't talk me out of this, Lewis.

I'm in love with him. I'm gonna go for it.

Oh, my God, Drew, come here, come here. What?

It's Kate and Lewis. You can hear everything they're saying up in the

through this duct. I think she's in love with somebody.

Oh, yeah? With who? I don't know. She didn't say.

Anyway, he's funny, he's romantic, and he's really sweet.

He has no idea how great he is. I bet if I told him this stuff to his face, he

would think I was talking about somebody else.

That guy sounds like an idiot.

You see yourself having kids with him? I mean, do you love him that much to make

that big a sacrifice?

Yeah, nine months with no beer.

But think of it, after that, I'd have a little drinking buddy.

I'm serious, Lewis.

I think I could marry this guy.

Damn it.

I knew this was going to happen.

What are you talking about, buddy?

It's over.

I loved Kate all my life, but I never told her. Now she's found a Mr. Right.

I blew it.

Geez, I didn't know that you still felt that way. Hey, maybe there's more to it.

Let's listen.

What's this big tube? Some kind of ointment?

Hey, hey, put that... It's Oswald's. He's got some sort of weird tongue

Don't worry. It's only contagious if I kiss you.

I think I got it, too.

Turns out when a guy gets a tongue scraper, he better put his name on it.

We spent all day just opening doors with our mouths. That's...

What can you do?

You know what? I'm tired of talking about this.

I'm going to tell him I love him at Steve and Mimi's party.

Oh, great.

That guy's going to be at my house.

Who the hell is this guy?

What are you going to do about it?

What can I do about it? I don't know why we're even talking about this.

Hold on!

That does not sound like the Drew Carey we all know and love.

Oswald, Wayne, I want you two to sing a song to Drew convincing him to go after

Kate in the style of disco.

what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to that party. I'm going to find out who

that guy is, and I'm going to make sure she falls right out of it. Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Eugene.

You seen Kate here yet? No.

So, Kerry, anyone bring an apple brown Betty to your bachelor party yet?

You know, sir, I might not have the coolest friends in the world, but no

that geeky.

Nothing yummy with a flaky brown crust.

Hey, Steve, you seen Kate here yet?

No, I don't know. You know, since I've been going out with Mimi, I've been

to other women.

It's called post -traumatic stress disorder.

It's called, uh... It's called having a monkey on your back.

I'm not listening.

I'm just finishing my naked lady cake.

Oh, man.

You know, I think the shredded coconut makes her look older than I intended.

Hello, Grandma.

So, Steve, your last big party as a single man.

I'll be out catting around the town while you're dragging the old ball and

chain, you poor sap.

Actually, I feel lucky to have found my soul mate.

Actually, I feel lucky to have found the love of my life.

Oh, please, big deal.

So you found someone to share the rest of your life with.

Oh, I pity you.

Hey, Lewis, what are you doing?

Well, I'm lighting up an eight -inch Cuban, which I believe is also the title

our first feature this year.

No, no, no. No cigars. Huh?

We don't want to make the ladies feel uncomfortable out there.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

It's only proper to behave like gentlemen when you have a room full of

I know Kate's in love with somebody. I just don't know who it is. You gotta

me. No, I promised I wouldn't tell. Just give me a hint.

Sorry, Drew.

No hints, Drew.

Understand? Drew?

You hear me, Drew?

What's the haps, brother?

Come on!

Just one hint?

What do you want to know?

Well, let me, uh, I'm just curious. That's all. I mean, is he at the party?

he is.

Oh, it's that stripper. I knew it.

No, nudity is this man's enemy.

Well, tell me this. Is he in the living room? Uh, yes!

Boy, if it weren't for this Apple Brown Betty I found out by the garbage, this

would be Drew's worst party ever. I don't know. He had a pretty bad one

five years ago.

Hold on.

Let's play Conducted Story.

Whoever I point to has to keep the story going.

Right where it left off. This story is about a retirement party for the bomb

squad.

It was a long ticking, but the time to say goodbye to Stumpy and the guys.

Stumpy was the squad leader. He taught us all how to storm all the bombs.

They were all shaky, shaky, shaky, shaky, shaky.

Stumpy started spinning on his stump and entertaining us all that night.

But then Lefty came along, and man, was that guy funny.

Yeah. Lefty was Stubby's brother.

They used to be in the Boycouts.

And in the Navy, where they used to stump around wearing... Hey, wait a

guys. There's Kate. Oh.

Okay,

she's going to lead me right to him.

Usually when you're in love with somebody, you go to a party. That's the

person you go up to. Hi, Drew.

I really need to talk to you tonight.

What are you talking to me for? Not now. Go mingle.

Now, go, go, go, go, go.

Hey,

Kate. Hi, Wayne. Hey, nice to see you. Nice to see you, too. Oh, that figures.

A muscly contractor with the rough hands.

She should go for me, the sensitive guy.

I saw him give the breath of life back to a little bird.

Sounds like a pervert to me.

So, Wayne, how's the unsteady world of contracting treating you?

Great, actually.

So, Wayne, how do you like working with your hands all the time while I'm making

the smooth money at Winford Louder?

Well, I love it.

Actually, the great thing is my business has doubled.

And I just bought a brand new house, and I'm getting my master's in

architecture. Really?

Yep. Oh, yeah?

You want to wrestle?

What? Hey, come on. Yeah, you can get on top. Come on. Get on top. Come on.

Let's go.

Drew, what's wrong with you?

Clearly, the problem is with Wayne.

Come on. I will kick you.

All right.

Come on, men.

Let's show these women we can be as wild and crazy as they are. Yeah!

Let's put on a talent show.

Oh!

Anybody?

I'm not afraid to shine.

This song goes out to a very special someone.

I think you know who you are.

You are so beautiful to me.

You are so beautiful to me. Wait, it's not the guy. Eugene's the guy Kate's in

love with. Are you sure?

He's singing right after. You're everything I look for. I can't even tell

feel to her face. She's doing it in front of all these people. You're

I need. And he's friendly, too.

You are so beautiful to me.

Oh, wonderful.

Wonderful.

So, Drew, you like the song?

It was beautiful. Listen, Eugene, you're a nice guy, so I'm going to be honest

with you. I know we're both after the same thing.

But you have to believe me when I tell you, I want it so much more than you do.

I don't think that's possible.

All right,

let's try that kiss one more time.

But this time, you're Siegfried and Roy.

No!

All right, you're Madeline Albright and a rabid monkey.

civil shepherd and a German shepherd.

Boy, you, uh, you should have told Drew sooner. Now you got competition.

I don't wait.

I never know the right time to tell a man I love him, but I know it's not on

night another man's kissed him.

I never know when to tell a man I love him, but I know it's not on the night

that he's been down on all fours on the Florida party.

The good news is Eugene's not the guy that's in love with Kate.

And also, Eugene told me that my butt's as cute as a cupcake.

Hey,

Kate's all alone. Now's your chance. Go talk to her. Haven't you been paying

attention? All day I've been acting like a jealous junior high kid. I'm not

ready for a serious adult relationship right now.

Well, better tell Eugene it's all over between us.

Gene just told me I got a butt like a cupcake.

That bitch!

You're applying your tongue ointment to each other, and it makes you gag, and

you're addicted to it, and you have to use their arms instead of yours. Okay.

Hey, it's time for your tongue fungal stuff.

Now, listen, I'll... Your sister's starting to speak. You've woken up my

brother. Quiet!

I'm sorry. Look, you're the one who got us this tongue fungus. You're the one

who's going to have to... Look, I'm going to put a little on a stick. Okay,

going to put a little on a stick, too.

Just a little. Just a little bit.

Nothing on there.

I've got to squeeze harder.

I've got to squeeze harder. There we go.

Now bring your tongue over here.

Let's have it over. You know what? The stick's not working. Let me just use the

tube and apply it directly in your mouth.

There we go. Squeeze it away.