Original subtitles

Phoebe, I need you to file these.

Is that your last request?

Ah yes, Halloween.

The one day of the year you wear outrageous costumes.

Where's Gary?

Oh, he must be around here somewhere.

Oh, here he is!

Yes, well, when the other empty head gets here, tell him a Mr. Rodriguez is

coming up at exactly 11 o 'clock for orientation.

He's our new head of marketing, and Mrs. Louder wants Carrie to give him the VIP

treatment. Uh -oh, we've got a conflict.

According to the pig's schedule, he's got an 11 o 'clock interview with a

janitor.

Now, who should we make wait? The highly paid, non -mob -carrying executive, or

the, if I have to finish this sentence, your fire team? The janitor! That's

right.

You here for the janitor position?

Yes, ma 'am.

Well, come back in an hour and look for this.

Only it'll be a little more homemade looking.

Hey, Slick.

You looking for Drew Carey?

Yes, I'm Andrew Rodriguez. I'm the new head of marketing.

Oh, well, take a seat. He'll be with you in a minute.

Thank you.

That's quite the costume you got there.

Easy, Desi.

I'm engaged.

Shouldn't you be shaving your back at home?

Gee, I wish I had a way to get back at you for that, but I guess I'll just have

to wait.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Wick wanted me to tell you that your 11 o 'clock janitor

appointment with the janitor is here.

By the way, that's the janitor.

Hi, I'm from Cary. Hi, Andrew Rodriguez. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Nice suit.

I don't see many of you guys in suits. Good for you.

Us guys?

Yeah, oh, I remember we had one of you in our high school.

Everybody didn't like him because he was too dirty, but not me.

I even took him home once to meet my mom, but she got mad because he's got

grease all over the couch.

My grandfather told me stories about people like you.

Yeah, well, I just have an old -fashioned way of thinking, I guess.

Let me tell you a little bit about the job.

Obviously, we don't want the customers to see us, so there's a separate

out the back.

You'll hear some people say that there's too many around here already, but hey,

toilets aren't going to clean themselves, are they?

I have been a marketing executive for many years, and I have never been

like this.

I ought to sue this store for racial discrimination.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were the janitor. I wonder if Mrs. Lowder knows

what kind of people she has working for her.

Now, if you'll excuse me, adios.

This is all a big, horrible mistake. I'm not a racist. This prank brought to you

by Mimi Bobeck.

Bobeck, humiliating pig since 1995.

You hear me? And that's not a figure of speech. You are dead!

Kerry!

I just spoke to Mr. Rodriguez. What the devil do you think you're doing making

racist remarks?

Give me one good reason I shouldn't fire you right now!

Because you're such a wonderful boss?

And you're so inspirational?

Russian women.

Do

you

think we're getting addicted to thrill? sex i don't know let's talk about it

tomorrow

Halloween costume contest first we have a genie on a magic carpet

trip to Mexico, the losers get to keep their jobs.

So who will it be, Gary?

Oh, well, I was going to pick Mr. Wick, but all I see is King Tut, the boy king

of Egypt.

I'm right here, Drew. It's me, Nigel.

I won the costume contest again, everybody.

Hey, Drew, we just came up to say hi. It's all -you -can -eat day in the

cafeteria. Have you met my little butterball?

Took a turkey?

Shh.

The cranberries are sleepy.

I can't believe you guys. This is stealing.

They said it was all you can eat. Not all you can eat today.

You know, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

You know, like my dad said, no matter how small the crime, breaking the law is

still breaking the law.

Now, may I help you? Drew Carey, you're under arrest for the attempted murder of

Mimi Bobik. What?

We stole a turkey.

Can someone tell me what's going on here? No, you tell us.

Why did you try and kill Miss Bobik this morning with your car?

I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Wait, is she dead?

He said attempted murder.

Now, according to this, several witnesses saw you driving straight

a parking lot, screaming.

All of that? All I can explain. I had a bee in my pants.

Is that drug slang?

You smoked yourself a bee to get brave enough to kill her?

I was swerving around so it wouldn't sting me. I swear I didn't see her.

You didn't see this?

Okay, look, I don't like Mimi, all right, but it doesn't mean I'd try to

her. If I tried to kill everybody I didn't like, everybody at work would be

dead.

I should shut up now.

Look, Drew, now there's got to be something that Mimi's done in the past

made you want to kill her.

hate this woman, yet you've never had violent thoughts about her?

Come on.

Nope.

I love her to pieces.

Why is it, then, this morning, in your office, in front of a dozen witnesses,

you said, I'm going to kill you?

I was a figure of speech.

That's not a figure of speech. You're dead.

Well, you're reading it wrong.

A figure of speech? You're dead!

I want a lawyer.

How's my brave soldier?

I just don't understand Drew. You kick a guy, kick a guy, you kick, kick, kick a

guy, and then all of a sudden, for no reason, he just snaps.

I must say, when something like this happens, the...

The captain of the ship must take a good look at himself and ask, where did I go

wrong?

Oh, it's not your fault, Mr. Wick.

What?

I'm not blaming myself.

I said ship. Does this look like a ship?

It's a store. It's everyone else's fault. It's nothing to do with me.

Now, back to work, mateys. Full steam ahead.

I just went down to the police station. They won't even let me see him. It's

killing me. I can't talk to Drew. I'm sure he can explain this.

Well, here's his explanation.

I hate my life, so all the pretty things must die.

This is a nightmare.

This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life. How can I get married if my

brother's going to prison?

Don't worry. He'll be having his honeymoon the same time we are.

My brother's future's at stake here.

I need you to drop the charges.

I understand, honey, but it's just that he tried to kill me!

Mimi, we agreed. Keep the violence in the bedroom.

All right.

I'll just ask you nice then. Are you on my side or his side?

Why are you stepping out of my range?

I'm not going to choose. I love you both.

Do you want syrup on that waffle? Choose.

Damn it, Mimi. I will not be put in this position.

How dare you?

I am so angry at you.

I'll do whatever I want, whenever I want.

Just go.

Good boy, Speedy.

And don't worry.

Daddy will be home soon.

Yeah, good watchdog. Save yourself.

Police, ma 'am.

Are you Kate O 'Brien?

Uh, yes.

Mr. Carey said you might be here.

Oh, how is he? Can I see him?

No, but don't worry, he's fine.

We'd like to ask you a few questions. Do we understand you're a close friend?

Well, yeah, but I'm hoping to be more. I mean, don't tell him, but I realize not

too long ago I'm in love with him. And I've been wanting to tell him, but I've

been too nervous.

Actually, I tried to tell him, but it just hasn't been the right time. But I

will tell him, and when I do, I think it's going to work out.

Just so you know, ma 'am, this is how you sound.

It does seem self -involved.

Miss O 'Brien. Miss O 'Brien. Oh, sorry.

Anyway, I mean, Drew wouldn't hurt a fly. He's the sweetest man I've ever

He's like Jesus with glasses.

You like the bad boys, don't you, ma 'am?

Hey, it's Drew. Please leave a very short message at the top.

Kate, if you're there, we can't see Drew till tomorrow.

Boy, I can't believe the crazy finally tried to kill Mimi.

Oh, excuse me.

Those guys are so dumb.

Hey,

was that a click?

Anyway, some of those cops are so dumb.

We'd like to ask you a few questions about Drew Carey. Before we get into

we've done a little investigating of our own.

Yes. Let's consider the forgotten player in this tale.

The bee.

How would you like nature's most dangerous insect up your pants?

You'd be a little hard to drive, don't you think?

Wait, you don't have to think.

We'll show you.

Bees. Lewis, will you please agitate the bees?

My pleasure.

The bees are agitating. Thank you.

Now, can you put it up my pants?

All right, he's in.

Thank you.

Now, I'm Drew Carey driving my car with a bee in my pants.

That tickles.

Hey, don't go there. That's not a flower, mister.

Good afternoon, Miss Womack. We'd like to ask you a few more questions.

Oh, sure.

Let's talk in my lounge.

Tea? No, thanks.

Peppermint? Oh, well, sure.

We'd like to ask you a few questions about Drew Carey.

Gas him.

Mr. Carey's still insisting that he did not try to kill you.

Oh, that's ridiculous. He's been trying to get me since the day we met.

Mimi Bobeck.

I'm here for the interview.

Nice to meet you, Mimi.

What department are you applying for?

Cosmetics.

Okay, great.

Can you sit down?

Let's see here.

Two years in phone sales.

Darkroom assistant.

Reader for the blind?

I'm also single, if that helps. Not me.

I mean, you know, we don't count marital status either way.

Now, you know, we will be interviewing quite a few people for this job.

Oh, well, so that's that. Well, nice meeting you.

Uh, excuse me?

That's the code.

Interviewing quite a few people means forget it. Just like thanks for stopping

by means we don't want to see you ever again.

That's not what I was saying.

How does it work, Mr. Carey? Some empty -headed bimbo walks in here and you feel

something in your groin to get the job?

What? What other requirements didn't I meet? Wasn't my skirt short enough?

Didn't I bend over enough during the interview? What does it take to get

as sexist as you to hire me?

You know, you're certainly under consideration.

What's your boss's name? I can find out if you don't tell me. Look, his name's

Mr. Bell. Mr. Bell.

I think you're making a big mistake here. You know, you're not being judged

anything but your application.

Hey, I see you speak Spanish.

You're in really big trouble, you know that? I didn't come in here to be

insulted by some crew -cut jerk who thinks this job is his own personal

contest. You're a pig!

I'll call and let you know.

Thanks for stopping by.

You come across pretty hostile in that story, man.

Exactly. Imagine five more years of that. Wouldn't you want to get rid of

The question we haven't answered, ma 'am, is why now?

I'll tell you why now. In about two weeks, I'm going to marry into his

Oh, Carrie didn't mention that.

Maybe that's because it's his motive.

More tea?

Yes, thank you.

You'll get it when you...

On your feet, Carrie. What's going on?

We've got enough evidence to indict you.

Looks like you've been in prison for a long time.

Prison? I can't go to jail. I can't live with a bunch of strange men. I can't

even go to the bathroom in the mall.

Miss Malbeck, I thought I told you to wait outside.

Oh, I just wanted to get the sweet feeling of seeing him hauled off in

Oh, by the way, did you find his head during the cavity search?

Oh, thank God, thank God it's not too late.

Before you take him away, I have something everyone should hear, Mimi.

He's not going to sing it.

I found this at Drew's house.

It's his toast for our wedding.

What are you doing?

Letting everybody know the truth about how you really feel about Mimi.

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family, I'm not going to lie to you.

I never liked Mimi Bobeck.

And when I first heard she wanted to marry my brother, I would have done

anything to stop her, and I mean anything.

I can't wait to see where this is going, because it's not helping at all.

Just let me finish.

But she makes my brother happy, and anyone who can do that can't be all bad.

I have to admit, when I look at her through Steve's eyes, I can almost see a

glimmer of the beauty that he must see.

I envy the fact that he's found someone who loves him so much.

Welcome to the family, Mimi.

You really meant that?

I meant it before all this. this.

Aw, piggy.

All right, I'll drop the charges.

Well, see you at work, pig.

Steve, you know about that argument that we had earlier?

Well, I'd like to make it up to you. There's something in the evidence room

like you to tamper with, if you know what I mean.

Sorry to disappoint you guys.

Hey, walk, you fry.

It's all the same to us.

We don't work on commission.

Really was a beautiful toast.

Yeah, sure was. Who wrote that garbage?

I did.

I knew you couldn't kill anyone.

Remember that stray dog you found when you were six?

Even though it bit you, you still brought it home.

You'd feed it, it'd bite you. You'd give it a bath, it'd bite you. But you still

loved it.

Yeah, I sure do miss Mr. Nibbles.

I miss those glowing eyes at the end of the bed every night, I'll tell you that.

See? No matter how much something hurts you, you can't hurt it.

Hey, maybe Mimi will jump out the window after a balloon, too.

I'm sorry.

Thanks. You really saved me.

There is one thing you can do to repay me.

Read this toast at our wedding.

Oh, I would love to.

Is this the only copy?

Nope.

Ah, crap.

One, two, three, four, we...

My trip to Mexico was wonderful, Mimi.

And I learned so much about Mexican culture. Look at me. I'm a Mexican

Mimi.

Oh, welcome party.

Oh.

Hello, my name's Craig Ferguson, TV's Mr. Wick.

That was a little skit on how ugly racism can be.

We all hope you've learned a little something.

still getting your ass kicked.

I know.