Original subtitles

All over my seat.

Well, I hope you sent him flowers.

Very good, Mimi.

You think because you put Vaseline on my chick.

All right.

That's it. I'm calling Mr. Wiggins.

I didn't do it, pig. I swear it. But now that you're all greased up, why don't

you run around the office and whoever catches you wins a pie.

Well, if you didn't do it, then who did?

I did it.

You?

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Doreen, I told you I didn't want you dressing like me.

I want to be your mini Mimi again.

Dressing like you gave me courage.

It made me special.

And men like taking it off even more than I like putting it on.

Take me back.

I don't know.

You are the wind beneath my...

Come here, you.

Man,

it's like a phone commercial from another dimension.

Carrie, we need to talk business.

It's a nice outfit, sir. You know, so few people can pull it off.

Thank you. I just came from the gym. Just called to come to talk to you about

it. Mrs. Louders dropped this in my lap, so I'm leaving it in your capable

hands.

Sir, did anybody tell you it's not polite to point?

What?

Yeah.

The store's getting a new insurance provider, so all the employees have to

physical.

Oh, my God.

Everybody? Yeah.

That's why I've been working out.

The best part is I get to wear all these fun outfits.

Oh, you're going to wear that in public. It's a good thing you're making

yourself faster and stronger, isn't it?

I'd recommend working out a little yourself.

Those who don't pass the physical lose their health benefits.

I've already had a physical, I mean, in high school.

I'm a lot healthier now, I'll bet. I mean, I don't get beat up and I swallow

lot less toilet water.

You'd beg for toilet water if you knew what Mimi was putting in your coffee.

Oh, that reminds me, I've got to pick up some plums on the way home.

Look at you.

You're a little person.

I've had the ice cream in my lap so long it's frozen in my crotch.

You better find some way to defrost it before you do permanent damage, you

idiot.

Ignorance.

Champagne? Hey, that's not just deodorant you're wearing.

That's deodorant for women.

What's going on?

Okay, Lewis.

There's something I've been dying to tell you, but you can't tell Oswald

it would really make him jealous.

Kate, you don't have to say anymore.

been a bad janitor would you knock it off it's not you i think i'm in love

drew what really you and drew

okay wait let me process this

guy was right here all along.

What do you think? Think it'll work out, Drew and me?

I hope so. If it doesn't, you're going to lose the best friend you ever had.

He's loved you all his life.

This will crush him. He might never recover.

Oh, here he is. I'm going to tell him the good news. Hey,

Lewis and Kate.

What's with the champagne and the fancy clothes?

Um, I was, uh, visiting my great -grandmother in the nursing home. Uh,

thinks I'm Great Kelly.

Hey, Drew.

What are you doing upstairs?

I was using your blow dryer to defrost my crotch.

Well, you just bought yourself a blow dryer, mister.

Hey, uh, can I ask you guys a serious question?

Do I look healthy?

Well, you sound healthy. I can hear you breathing from here.

What's wrong, Jerry? Feeling okay?

Yeah, but they're changing health plans at work, so we have to take a physical,

and if you don't pass it, you lose your benefit.

So take the physical. No!

I don't like doctors always poking at you with needles and stuff, and then

put on those rubber gloves and go at you like you're a jar of olives.

But that seems like a small price to pay to find out if anything's wrong with

you. Well, why go looking for trouble?

Why check under the hood as long as you're running fine and you're not

stain in the driveway?

It's not that bad, Drew. I had a physical last month. Everything turned

fine. Wait a minute. I have an idea. Hey, at least you're at first.

Nobody objected.

Oh.

Well, what I was thinking was, you got a new health care plan, you got a new

doctor. He doesn't know what you look like. Lewis can take the physical for

Why are you looking at me approvingly?

Because I'm proud of you.

You just added the word savant to your title.

So what do you think, Lewis, you up for it? Me prostate, a Sue prostate.

I don't believe this. You're taking advice from Oswald.

The man who swallowed a sponge to soak up beer so he wouldn't get drunk.

Did I get drunk?

We had to take you to the hospital.

You were legally dead for two minutes.

Did I get drunk?

Okay, that covers just about everything, Mr. Carey.

Really? That's it?

Well, that wasn't nearly as invasive as I'd hoped.

Feared.

Just a minute. That's not all.

You're in great physical shape, but you need to go down to room 216 for the

psychological test.

What?

I didn't know about that.

The prospect of a psychological test scare you?

You scare me?

People have been telling me I'm nuts since the day I was born.

I think I should finally settle this thing once and for all.

Mr. Carey, don't you want to put your clothes on?

Nope. And maybe these experts can finally tell me why.

Great. Taking my physical as we speak.

Hey, if you guys actually get away with this, I'm sending Louis to my

gynecologist.

Uh, that's a long story, but it wouldn't be his first time.

Hey, I need to ask you a favor.

I want to ask that new temp out.

You're kidding me. Her?

You like her?

Yeah, what's wrong with her?

Oh, please.

Her waist is too small. Her breasts are too big. She's all out of proportion.

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Kate.

For a second there, I almost had me a small -waisted, big -breasted woman. I

really dodged a bullet there.

Fine, are you going to do this or what?

No, I'm sorry.

Well, we do this kind of stuff for each other all the time.

I just don't feel comfortable doing it anymore.

Well, fine. Then I'm not going to help you out of any of your bad dates

Say goodbye to your jealous lesbian lover.

Hey.

Who's that woman Drew's talking to?

I don't know. Some disease -ridden skank.

Does she have a friend?

I can't do this. I can't keep hiding my feelings.

What if this works out? What if he's got skank fever?

That's how it'll go.

She shut me down.

She won't go have coffee with me because she's afraid of what people might

think.

Whatever happened to the simple, honest, I've got mace in my purse, you skinny

freak?

So how'd my physical go?

Great. She was healthy as a horse. All right.

But the psychological exam could go either way.

Psychological exam?

Are you sure my heart's okay? Because I'm feeling a little bit of chest pain.

Hello, Carrie.

We, uh, just got the results of your, uh, tests, and, uh, although I do need

talk with you, everything turned out fine.

Perfect, in fact, absolutely perfect.

That's really good, then. So everything's fine, even the, uh,

Yes, yes, the cholesterol's wonderful.

Perfectly sane.

Not crazy at all.

Excuse me?

Don't make pants out of my skin!

Hey, what did you do on that test?

I just tried to answer the way you would have answered. You know, a guy stuck in

a dead -end job who sometimes gets so frustrated he wants the whole world to

pay. Oh, my God!

It was a big problem. I thought I did especially well on the essay questions.

Well, that's it.

They're going to put me away.

They're going to put me away, and a big Indian's going to smother me with his

pillow.

Don't worry. I knew enough not to say too much on those, so I just answered

every question with a question.

See, when they asked, have you ever thought about burning down the store, I

said, what do you think?

See, how could they possibly draw any conclusions from that?

What the hell is wrong with you?

What do you think?

Hey, guys.

Come on,

you guys. I don't want everyone I work with powering in fear every time.

Did I say get up?

Okay, get up.

Freeze!

Okay, hop away.

Sir, are you using Mimi as a human shield?

No.

Yes.

There you go. I'll need these cross -referenced by date.

Uh, I don't know, sir. That's an awful lot of work for someone in my condition.

Yes, you're right.

There you go, Mimi. I'll need these by five o 'clock.

There are laws in this country against firing people who are crazy.

Laws, laws, laws. You can't fire the crazy person. You can't spank other

people's children even though they deserve it. They're going to free my

Gary,

I do have another piece of good news.

Mrs. Louder has arranged for you to meet a new friend.

His name is Dr.

Zinneman. And he'll make you all better from the tips of your toes to the top of

the tinfoil hat you people wear to keep out demons.

Sir, I don't need a shrink.

One of my personalities is a psychiatrist. I'll get in touch with him

There.

That'll do for Thursday.

I'm afraid you have no choice. If you refuse treatment, we can fire you. They

can fire you. I love you.

Make yourself comfortable.

Thanks. Now, I understand you've never been to a therapist before, so what

be doing is talking about whatever's on your mind and trying to find the key to

what's been troubling you.

Key.

Door.

Unlock.

Darkness. Bed.

Mommy's not hurting Daddy.

Mommy's loving Daddy.

Closed door. All cured. Thanks, Doc.

About your written test, when asked to describe yourself, you put hatred shaped

like a man.

What do you want?

Just one more question. Why is it when you took your physical, you were six

five inches tall?

Hey, you're the doctor.

I don't think you took this test, Mr. Carey.

It's all right.

Everything you say in this office is confidential.

Oh, all right. Okay, you got me. A friend took the physical for me, but I

know it was going to be a psychological test, too.

Your friend is a very disturbed individual. He was only writing down

thought I would... Yeah, you know, he scares me, too.

Well, you'll have to take the physical yourself.

But why did you do this in the first place?

I just don't like taking physicals.

If I had to do summer, I was going to lose all my benefits.

You know, Mr.

Carey, running away from your fears is not a good way to go through life.

Well, if I didn't run from my fears, I'd never get any exercise, would I?

Actually, I've got a little time.

Mr. Carey, if you'd like to talk about your self -esteem issues... I don't have

any self -esteem.

Hey, where'd you get these inkblots of my mom making fun of me?

Boy, am I glad you're here.

I'm glad to see you, too.

Sit down. I want to talk to you.

All right.

Here, have a beer.

So, how's it going?

I'm doing the best that I can do, and that's all anyone can expect.

What's that?

My therapist gave this to me.

Every time I do something good for me, I give myself a little pat on the back.

That was a good explanation, Drew.

So how'd it go with the therapist?

Great. You know, spent all afternoon talking about my relationships.

That's exactly the kind of thing I've been thinking about.

I mean, I always go for the wrong guy. My therapist said the same thing about

and women.

I think I'm ready to change all that. Me too.

My therapist said that there's a special someone right under my nose that I

should start paying more attention to.

Really? Yep.

Drew Carey.

My therapist said that I should learn to take some time out and learn to love

myself.

That makes sense.

And I should stay out of relationships until I do.

Or you could get into a relationship with someone that would help you with

positive reinforcement.

Would you stop with that, Hans?

No, I think Dr. Zinneman is right.

If I don't do something about this, I'm just going to keep repeating the same

mistakes over and over and over.

Well...

You do want to be healthy for your next relationship, because who knows, it

could be the one.

How long do you think something like this might take?

Could be a week, could be a year.

Like the doc says, it's one teardrop at a time.

Well, I hope it doesn't take long, because I have a feeling there's someone

there who's just dying to be with you.

Thanks, Kate.

Well, here's hoping she's easy.

Cesar, she's heard that kind of thing all her life and is a little sensitive

it.

Well, if she's that much trouble, she can go to hell, right, buddy?

Okay, cough.

Not so scary getting a physical when you bring your buddy, is it, Drew?

Oh, Doc, aren't those supposed to be the same size?

Close enough.

Drew's got a girlfriend.

Mr. Harvey, would you get out of here? Okay.

Drew and the doctor sitting in a tree. P -R -O -B -I -N -G. Out!