Original subtitles

You know, we're going to be the best looking guys at our reunion.

Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

So we meet again.

Are you ready to admit you're just a duplicate staring at me from an

universe?

No?

You're good, all right.

One of these days you've got to slip up.

You brought friends?

Well, it's not going to be so calm at a time like this.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm bringing a date.

Wait a minute. I thought we all agreed to go stag and hit on lesbians who

couldn't cut it.

No,

I got something to prove to some of my former classmate.

Those old, so fine young men with their fancy cars and their store -bought

underwear. Yeah.

Never seen me out with a girl, huh?

Well, I'll show them all tonight.

Well, so who are you taking?

Well, let's just say we all had a crush on her in high school.

See ya.

Thought his mom a wig.

That's my guess.

So, are there any girls from the past you were open to hook up with tonight?

Well, you know, I'm kind of picky.

As long as it's not a head in a box.

Sour's getting ready for this damn reunion. I desperately need some

Please be kind.

Oh, my God, Kate, you're beautiful.

You're just beautiful.

Oh, Drew, you always say that.

I know you'll tell me the truth. How do I look?

On the Oswald Harvey scale, I'd say you'd rate a six.

Just a six?

That's great. It only goes up to six.

It starts at three.

Well, thanks.

You guys look great, too, and you smell good. What is that?

Avon race car.

True. Liquor and Tums.

Are you nervous?

Yes. Me, too. Do you guys remember the last big dance we went to together?

Yeah, we couldn't get dates, so we had to go together.

Wait a minute, Judy, you had a date. You broke it off to go with Kate.

You canceled a date?

Well, yeah, I had that crush on you back in high school, you know.

Yeah, but I didn't know you didn't go on a date for me.

Oh, it's a good thing I did.

That girl I was gonna go out with ended up killing her husband with a claw

hammer.

Well, I made a big mistake that night.

The right guy was standing right in front of me, and I let him slip away

I didn't think he was cool enough.

Who's that?

Patrick Wells.

Patrick Wells?

The nerdy kid who sat next to me in my Star Trek three -dimensional chess club?

Anyway, he's one of those computer zillionaires now, and he's still single.

tired of dating guys who can't pick up a check.

Tonight, I saved the last dance for him.

Oh, I remember that guy. He actually tried to get into my barbershop quartet.

Loser!

Hey, bud, the airport cops are towing your limo.

Hi,

do we have time to stop by the hotel or are we going straight to the interview?

Holy crap, this is working.

I mean, welcome to Cleveland. I'm Louis.

I'm afraid there's no time to stop at your hotel.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

You're going to love this city. You've got a lot of fans here.

Attention, ugly people. I repeat, attention, ugly people.

Miss Bo Derek is in a hurry and would like you to step aside.

Get your eyes down.

Well, there sure are a lot of old people here.

Hey, Cindy, Cindy, Cindy.

Cindy, Cindy.

Wow, she remembers us.

How are you guys doing?

Good. We're just reliving some old times with Cindy.

Hey, did you see any of the guys from my old barbershop, Cortana? Everybody's

changed so much, I don't know how I'm going to recognize them.

Oh, someone's in the gym with Oswald.

Someone's in the gym with Oswald.

High school gym.

Well, I thought maybe you could give these kids a pep talk. Can it slap.

This is your high school reunion and you brought me here as your date, right?

You can make anything sound creepy.

Okay, look, here's the truth.

Believe it or not, I was very unpopular in high school.

I never even had one lousy date.

Not one?

No, nothing.

I even volunteered to be the yearbook photographer just so people would look

me.

One hour from you would change my life.

Okay.

You've touched me with your story. As long as you don't touch me with anything

else, you've got an hour. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, you're on the clock, baby. Smile.

Oh, my God.

Lewis finally did it. He built the Bobot.

That's right, everybody. It's me, Lewis.

And the same hands that shave infected monkeys down at drug co. are now around.

Not here yet.

Well, then let's go in another direction.

The guy whose picture we forgot to put in the yearbook.

Hey, they're talking about you, Drew.

Oh, I hate that guy.

He was vice president of the math league.

sure you've had many accomplishments since what have you been up to uh well i

now work at the winford louder department store winford louder oh my

still got the same job you had in high school no no actually i'm now the

assistant director of personnel so you're just a heartbeat away from

personnel wow i guess constitutionally the two of you can't take the same bus

right i got one more question drew now we sent the invitation

To your parents' home. Now, please, tell me you don't still live with your

parents. No, no, I bought it from them.

Even the furniture?

Most of it.

So you're kind of like that guy in Psycho, huh?

No, no, you're not. He actually saw a naked girl once.

you dance with me, are you?

Kelly Walker?

Head cheerleader Kelly Walker?

You remember me?

How could I forget you? I thought about you all the time. I had a dollar for

every time I saved it from pirates or Indians.

That's sweet.

Hey, listen, Drew, I'm going to go request a slow phone, so you stay right

there.

Yeah, then we'll hurry back.

And don't you go sobering up.

this crazy? Why would the head shooter be interested in me all of a sudden?

Didn't she hear all that about the loser who lives at his parents' house and

it's always at the same place in distance high school?

Well, let me tell you how it looks to a single woman.

No ex -wife, no alimony, steady job and you own your own house.

You're a catch.

Well, I've never known Bo Derek to lie to me before.

Hey, Drew, why don't you do me a favor and dance with Bo Derek?

Just go to the bathroom, Lewis. I told you I won't run away.

Okay.

So, you ready, Drew?

Wow.

I'm going to get to faith. I thought I've only fed to my pillow.

Excuse me, Bo Derek.

I have to go dance with the head cheerleader.

Hi.

You boys don't mind if I sit here, do you?

What a night.

Go for the good -looking guys.

I was so shallow.

But I've grown up. Now I'm looking for a guy with money. You know what I'm

talking about, don't you?

You never talked to us in high school. Why should we give a damn now?

Oswald?

Oswald Harvey? That's what it says in my underwear.

We were in Spanish class together. I'm sure you don't even remember me.

I'm sorry, but I... I had such a crush on you, and you've only gotten better

looking.

Well, hey, you look good, too.

How could I forget you?

You remember that girl that had the same first name as you?

What was her name?

Joe, Patrick just got here, and it's already last call.

Oh, hey, don't worry about it. Hey, listen, everybody, since it's last call,

don't we keep the party going at my house? I got Monopoly.

I got risk.

A garage full of beer.

No kidding.

You were there when the football team pants me at the memorial service for

dead kid.

Yeah, the first time it was funny. The second time it was sad.

The third time it was funny again.

Can I get you another beer, Kate?

Oh, gee, Patrick.

Oh, what the heck. It'd be fun to see what having two beers in a night would

like.

And that's Drew's basement, which brings us back to Drew's kitchen.

Oh, by the way, I love you.

Oh, Lois, you don't even know me.

You're infatuated with my public image.

Oh, wow.

You are so smart.

I love you.

Missy, I don't know how you arranged this.

There is no way that she's your date.

This is even more pathetic than when you used to drive by the school with a

cardboard cutout of Donna Summer.

Well, that's because I... Well, Bo and I are... You're right.

Louis isn't my date.

He's my boyfriend.

I'll bet you don't believe we have sex together either, huh?

You know, sometimes when you haven't seen somebody in a while, it can be kind

awkward, but I feel totally comfortable.

You sure the door's locked? Mm -hmm.

Having fun, Oswald?

You bet.

Now, we'll need a safe word you can say to let me know if things get too

intense. Now, what should we use?

How about Porky Parker?

No.

That was the name of a fat girl. all in my homeroom class.

Don't use that. That would really ruin the mood.

Oswald, I'm Porky Parker.

No.

Porky was huge.

Porky.

So, how the hell are you?

We made out together once in your basement. Then you said I was going to

girlfriend. And the next day at school, you acted like you didn't even know me.

But you were fat.

everyone's coat so they all get to see you like this no porky porky no no porky

porky no don't do this porky porky i don't mean to be rude i just don't know

your real name porky porky lewis lewis lewis oh my god oswald yeah

they've landed did they probe you

And, you know, maybe if you're not busy tomorrow night, maybe you and me can go

out or something.

You know, I understand if you don't want to.

Drew, I'd like to give you a stronger signal, but there are too many people

around.

Cool.

So maybe I'll pick you up tomorrow about 8.

Sure. Oh, gee, wait.

No, um, you probably shouldn't beat me up.

My landlord thinks we moved out.

We? Me and my ex still lives with me. But he doesn't mind me dating. I can do

right in front of him.

He wouldn't care.

Uh, maybe we should just meet somewhere for dinner instead.

Yeah, dinner would be nice.

Oh, shoot, no.

Tomorrow's the day I pick up Hubert from the honor farm.

Hubert? Yeah, he's my oldest.

You know, I'm doing the best I can with him, but I swear to God that boy is

going to hang someday.

Boy, that all -American smile sure has gotten you a long way, hasn't it?

Kate,

I'm going to tell you a little secret.

I had a crush on you in high school.

Really?

I've got another secret.

I still do.

Patrick, if I knew then what I know now, my life would have been so much richer.

Hey, hey, have you guys seen Bo Derek?

No. Well, if you do, tell her Oswald and I weren't really having sex. It just

looked like it.

Here's your runaway screaming, too.

No, I'm the one that did the running.

I know, it's true what they say, you can't go home again.

You can't go to Kelly's house either, there's that Uber kid probably waiting

there with a steak knife.

I can't believe it, even with my pick of every girl in high school, I still

can't find the right woman.

Don't say that, Drew.

You never know, the perfect woman can be right around the corner.

Right around the corner where the bus stop is... Boogers!

Boogers!

Drew, thanks for a great party.

Kate and I are heading out for a late fight.

Long way from the Star Trek chess club, huh, Patrick?

Light years.

Listen, Drew, before I go, you're her best friend, right?

Give me some tip. Kate's great.

How do I make sure this thing works out right?

Well, don't wait 20 years to tell her how you feel about her.

Don't wait 20 years comparing her to every woman you ever go out with because

you're too gutless to go for the one you should have.

You're not going to be happy about it, believe me.

Jeez, Drew, sounds like you want to be more than just friends.

Yeah, you know, if I thought I had a chance, I'd get down on my knees and ask

her to marry me right now, but that's never going to happen. I'm not rich like

you are. I'm not handsome.

I've only loved her my whole life.

All right.

I don't know how much of that I can use, but... Thanks a lot.

Hey, uh... You ready to go, Kate?

Uh, I don't know. Maybe some other time.

Uh, I'm a little tired.

Okay.

Here you go. Thanks.

Hey, Drew. Hey.

I thought you and Patrick were, uh... Nah, he's a nice guy. He's just not the

right guy.

Wow, you remember this song?

Yeah. I used to pick up chairs with this song.

That's the name of that dead kid from high school. I've been trying to

it all night long.

Shut up and dance.

is never, ever pick on people named Carrie.