Original subtitles

Hey, pig.

Guess what?

Last night, your brother proved his love to me.

Did he open his eyes when he touched you?

No. He finally gave me the engagement ring.

Ah, I guess the family tree finally rotted out.

Hey, bro.

Honey, you forgot something when you left. What? Your sugar.

Hey, you two, get a stable.

Remember the stable?

Look at her.

She's glowing.

Yeah, that's how nature tells us it's dangerous.

Ian, what's the way you're looking lately? One week you're wearing woman's

dresses, the next week you're dressed like a man. I beg your pardon, I am not

dressed as a man.

I am a rough -and -tumble tomboy.

Well, that Y chromosome really bugs the hell out of you, doesn't it?

Nevertheless, I actually came by because I have a favor to ask.

Mimi and I can't afford a wedding hall, and her apartment is really tiny, and

her father is paying for the honeymoon.

Do you think Mimi and I could get married at your house, bro?

Yeah, I guess.

At least that way I'd be able to throw up in my own toilet.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, I won't forget this.

Hey, Drew, we have come up with something that is going to make us rich.

Get ready to call us geniuses.

And why not? I call the slow kid at the newsstand Captain every morning.

Hey, go on the Internet and punch in www .buybuzzbeer .com.

BuzzBeer doesn't have a website.

Wow. We do now.

Welcome. You've got beer.

Check out some of the options you can click on. History of Buzz Beer, Miss

Beer. What's that?

That's Kate's head.

Pamela Anderson's breast.

The old one, not the new one.

And Neil Armstrong's leg. The first legs to walk on the moon.

Out of order.

We have 200 hits so far.

With all the money we're going to make, we can throw Kate a great birthday

party. We really got to make up for last year.

Louder! This is louder!

This is louder! Look at my engagement ring!

I'm marrying Drew's brother, Steve.

Carrie, is this true?

Yeah, she's going to be my beast -in -law.

The Carries and the Bogus. Sex, our interbreeding.

I don't know what the children will look like, but I'm sure one day they'll

menace Tokyo.

I'm off to my office for a little brandy and a nice long nap.

A glass of brandy and she's out like a light, right?

Yeah.

Hello, can I have the coroner's office, please?

Hi, we have a pickup at Winford Louder.

$300 today from internet orders.

And we're doing a good deed by bringing alcohol to shut -ins and people under

house arrest.

Why can't we put some of these boxes in the trunk?

Because it's full of our Y2K emergency supplies.

You think the world's really going to end in three months? I hope so. I'm

to break into those cans of ravioli.

Oh, hey.

Hey, is your dad Paul Tanner?

Is he here?

Uh, he's in the shower, but he told us to buy the beer for him.

All right.

We've got the money.

Are those pop -tops or twist -offs?

They're all twist -offs.

See? There you go. There you go.

Aw, don't you look like a big boy.

Here's the rest of your beer, kitty. Oh,

careful. Your shoelace is untied there.

I'm going to make a great dad.

Please, this is a thing. What?

You're under arrest for selling beer to minors.

Are you the owners of that Buzz Beer Internet site?

No, we're FBI.

Damn it. One hand doesn't know what the other hand's doing.

Yeah.

On this matter of selling alcohol to minors, I before of you plead.

Your Honor, I believe I speak for everyone when I say, ignore.

I'm surprised you didn't just open the bottles for them.

Now, this charges a first -degree misdemeanor.

What have you got to say for yourself?

Your Honor, it's all a big mistake.

This will never happen again.

We would never interfere with the sacred right of parents, Hollywood, and Major

League Sports to introduce our young people to alcohol.

Well, since Navia has a prior record, and I believe this was unintentional,

going to let you off with a warning.

Oh, thank you, sir. And may I say that I have a feeling there is something

upright and magnificent under that robe.

It was so close. I thought for sure we were going to jail.

Of course, in jail, I might have had a date on my birthday.

Ah, don't worry, Kate.

We've got a little celebration planned. What are you going to take out?

Great. Just do it in the back of the head so it's quick.

Oh, my gosh. You hit a police car.

Damn it.

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

How did he do it, officer?

Don't worry. There's no damage.

Let's just separate these bumpers. Oh, no problem. Got it.

bumpers are separated, guess who'll be on her way?

You want to explain the gun and all this money?

It's really, it's our Y2K emergency supplies for New Year's Eve when the

goes out and the hall breaks loose.

There's a pamphlet in here. Freeze!

Selling beer to minors, a trunk full of cash, a loaded gun.

Cannot believe I let you people go.

Well, I will not make that mistake again.

I don't know if this affects your decision at all, but it's my birthday in

days.

Well, then I'd say we dismiss the case and we all go down to Chuck E. Cheese.

I know you're being sarcastic, but is that really such a bad idea?

Yes.

Now, this pattern of behavior legally defines you as a gang.

Pattern of behavior?

Judge people just by what they have in their trunk?

My dad had a trunk full of cash and booze and guns, and he was just a dirty

Yes, I knew him well.

Now, we have a new law.

Makes it a felony to participate in a gang. Therefore, I'm issuing an

which forbids any of you to come within 100 feet of each other.

What? Come on, that's not really what I'm...

That's enough. That's enough. You violate this injunction, you could each

five to ten years in jail. Now, as soon as you leave this courtroom, you four

cannot legally be together.

Wait a minute.

You said when we leave this courtroom.

Well... What if we were to stay right here

and party all night long?

What would you do then?

Effective immediately.

The four of you no longer legally can be together.

Oh.

Nothing further.

Sorry, guys. I guess this is goodbye.

Kate, I guess we're going to miss your birthday.

Yeah, yeah.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to...

Kate's dead.

You guys might want to go in your castle for a couple minutes.

This isn't going to be pretty.

May God rest your soul.

I feel like the last man left alive in a world ruled by

apes.

A pig.

What are you doing here?

Trying to turn this temple of failure into a wedding chapel.

This looks like a living room you'd see on Cop.

Well, Will, after I kill you... Steve!

Steve!

Steve! You thought you could change stuff around for the wedding?

We're not going to change a lot. It's just that this is a big day for Mimi,

she wants everything to look just right.

Oh, well, in that case, all of this has got to go.

Why can't you just be happy for me?

You see, this is what I have to put up with every day of my life.

Oh, I suppose now you're going to say I'm a clumsy thing, too.

You know, it's bad enough I'm not allowed to see my three best friends

You know I don't have a girlfriend.

I don't want to be Mimi right now.

Hey, look, I'm sorry.

Let's just forget about it. We'll get a beer. We'll go catch up.

I'd love to stay and talk with you, Drew, but I gotta go get fitted for my

Your tuck?

This is supposed to be the biggest day in a drag queen's life.

You've been... You've been waiting for 30 years to walk down the aisle in Mom's

wedding dress.

Mimi wants me to dress like a man.

She says she won't have sex with me if I'm in drag.

Great, that's money in the bank.

All right, let's just drop the whole thing, okay? Oh, I get it.

You're whipped.

No, I'm not, said Whippy McWooverson from Whipsville.

That's it. Mimi, get in here.

Yeah.

Look, I've been waiting my entire life to wear a wedding gown.

I'm wearing a wedding gown.

That's the way it is. End of story. The man has spoken.

No!

All right, well, I better get going because the touch -up's coming.

Don't do that again.

Gentlemen, this is Drew Carey.

Drew, like you, Everyone here has been separated from someone they care about

because of that unconstitutional gang law.

We're all in this together.

Can I talk to you all quiet for a second?

Speak freely, Drew. We're all friends here.

Well, not that guy and that guy.

I don't think I belong here.

Mr. Carey, joining us in our lawsuit is your best hope of ever seeing your

friends again.

Gentlemen, as our first order of business is, how do we kill Superman?

No,

this is serious!

Suddenly I can't hang out with my homies?

These are guys I grew up with.

They're like family to me.

And it's tearing me up inside.

I miss my friends, too.

Shut up, jackass!

What gang you in, the Apple Dumpling Gang?

Sorry I'm late. I had a thing.

What'd I miss?

All right, that's it.

You know what?

this law is a damn good law and I think some people shouldn't be allowed to hang

out together. I'm going to take my chances on my own.

Well, that was a little awkward.

What's your problem?

Hey, hey, maybe it's your problem because you're looking at me.

Why not come up here? We'll discuss it.

I mean it.

Come on, I just made pudding.

To hell with you. I got a phone call.

Hello?

Hey, it's me. What you doing, buddy?

Dancing in my underwear in front of the window.

You?

Nothing.

So listen.

It's really lonely around here without you guys.

I miss you, guy. What's going on at work?

I love you, Drew.

You've been drinking, too, huh?

Yeah.

You know, this really sucks.

And you know what tomorrow is? It's Kate's birthday.

You know she's going to be sitting at home all alone, depressed, nobody to

her up?

Hey, don't underestimate Kate. If I know her, she's found some way to keep

herself busy.

Yeah, you're right.

She doesn't want to make her own fun.

You know what I'm really worried about is Oswald. You know, he doesn't do well

on his own.

Nah, it's okay. He's at his mom's house.

This is really stupid.

We haven't missed one another's birthday since we've known each other. We

shouldn't miss this one.

Yeah, you're right. You know what? We should go down to Warsaw and take it

like we planned.

So what if we go to prison? I basically live in a room with a toilet anyway.

Wait, wait, I just had a great idea.

What kind of party can you throw where no one either cares or knows who you

Any one of yours, Drew.

Oh, no, a costume party.

Oh.

Dibs on Jar Jar Binks.

Look, you call Oswald's, I'll start inviting people, and I'll call Kate,

her the party's on.

Great. Oh, hey, Drew, before you go, you know that thing I said about loving

you?

Yeah.

Well, you never said it back.

Okay, Lewis.

I love you.

I know.

Put him up, put him up, put him... What are you staring at? It's a casual day at

work.

Did you, by any chance, forget to tell people it was a costume party?

Well, I had to make the call quick, because I got caught eating cereal in

family room, and my mom cut off my phone privileges.

Thanks.

Let me guess.

Oswald screwed up? Yep.

May I find your tail, Drew? My guess.

Idiot!

Kate, Kate, Kate, stop it. People are starting to stare.

Hey, we're not the only ones in costume. Look, some guy came dressed as a cop.

Well, well, well, the master criminals finally slip up. How'd you find us?

I thought your car was parked out front, Sheldon.

Well, if we do go to prison, at least I got a big metal plate covering my ass.

According to these recommendations from Judge Crawford, I'm now supposed to

indict you all for several gang -related felonies.

Am I missing something?

You're supposed to be a gang.

Your Honor, no. I tried to quit the gang, but they threatened me. I'll

against them.

Your Honor, we're not a gang.

We're just a group of friends.

Gangs do nothing but get together and cause trouble. We only try to help each

other. We keep each other out of trouble.

I got my head caught in the stairs.

Technically, you're still a gang.

Then, Your Honor, let me tell you about another gang.

George Washington.

Thomas Jefferson.

Benjamin Franklin.

And they call themselves colonists.

Easy, Kitty.

Let me cut to the chase.

What you're saying is that my colleague did not follow the original intent of

the law.

Hey, yes.

Yes. Good.

Based on that and the fact that if we keep you separated, you'll eventually

new friends and there'll be four groups of stupid people instead of one group of

four stupid people.

I've decided to reverse the previous ruling and order that you associate only

with each other.

Now wait, you're not getting off that easy. The gun in your trunk should not

have been loaded.

So I'm sentencing you to a five -hour seminar.

Seminar? That doesn't sound so bad. Oh, you think you're so tough, Gary? Oh,

yeah, you're a big fan of the street snob of the prison. You'll just be new

meat.

How much longer?

About four hours. By the way, happy birthday. Thanks.

I just wish someone would have done that for me.