Original subtitles

verse to the song.

Here we go. Here we go, Brownies. Here we go.

Hey, the line's moving again.

Here we go. Here we go, Brownies. Are we there yet?

How many times have I heard a half -asleep woman say that?

We're almost to the ticket window.

Yeah, we waited three years for the Browns to come back to Cleveland. We can

wait another 15 minutes in line.

Hey, the line's moving again.

This is stupid. I don't even like football.

this line for two days kate we're part of history here we're gonna have tickets

to the very first game in this brand new stadium you know they're not just

bringing back football to cleveland they're bringing back a sense of

hey you're

looking a little scruffy there buddy what's that it's a new razor drug

co -developed it's chemically treated so it doesn't need water or shaving cream

She brought my pizza and toilet paper.

Sorry I'm late. I've been ass -deep in a septic tank all day. But I made

sandwiches.

Were you in the septic tank first, or did you make the sandwiches first?

It's very important.

Not to me, it isn't.

Hey, you're just in time. We're almost to the front of the window.

Sorry, Drew. I've got to get back to work.

Well, do you want to come with us tonight for the celebration?

We're going to go to Sears and have our picture taken with our tickets.

I'm dressing mine like a baby.

Anyway, sorry, Drew. I can't come tonight either. I have to work, but I'll

you later.

Can I at least have a goodbye kiss?

Okay, say go Browns. Go Browns.

Bye, guys.

She's always working. I hardly see her at all anymore.

Hey, the line's moving. Come on.

God,

I hope he's sleeping.

Maybe we should check for a pulse.

Hey, the line's moving.

I'll take one ticket, please.

One ticket?

Are you kidding me?

This is history, man. You wait in line for two days in the hot sun and you're

just gonna buy one ticket?

You're right.

I better get some for my friends.

I'll take five tickets.

Thanks, pal.

Yeah, no problem.

work with that jamaica barn come on pig it's football season let's not hurt each

other with words let's do it paperweight baby stop he can bounce off his gut and

kill us all attention everyone i've been asked by the board to give the best

employee in the store

sure you remember that I'm the one who saved the store from being blown up.

Uh -huh. And I also sponsored your rehab.

Yeah.

And I'm the only employee that understands that when you insult us,

trying to motivate us.

Well, that is true, you goggle -eyed, square -headed, sexless drone.

Don't waste any more of me today, sir. I'm still riding high from that lard

comment you made this morning.

Give it up, Terry. I've already decided.

Johnson, front and center.

Johnson, these tickets.

I have a reward for 20 years of perfect attendance.

Unfortunately, the game's on a work day, but I'm sure you could take a sick day

just this once.

What? You lied to me and take a sick day just to see a football game?

You're fired!

So I guess you didn't get any tickets for the game, huh? No.

Well, I got something that'll cheer you up.

What is the next best thing to be in that first Browns game in person?

Oh, that's easy.

Throw the first shovel full of dirt on Mimi's coffin while she screams from the

inside.

No, but I rented you a big screen TV so the game will still be special.

Oh, so we can watch together.

Nah, I've got to be out of town for my brother's birthday.

Well, can I at least see you tonight?

Tonight? You can see whatever you want.

She cheated on you.

What are you talking about?

All the evidence is here.

First of all, and I know I've said this before, but look at you.

And if that's not enough, she's going out of town.

And that big screen TV, they just wreak the guilt.

I don't buy your theories, Mimi, although I can see where your paranoia

from. What are the excuses you must have heard in your life, huh?

Car won't start, I'm going to be late.

Bet all the proof we need is right here in her purse.

I'm not going to go through her purse. Yeah, you're not going to look because

you know I'm right.

No, it's a huge invasion of privacy. I'm just not going to do it.

Yeah, well, I will.

Okay.

See? All the typical purse stuff.

Matchbook to a romantic restaurant we've always been talking about going to but

never went to.

Hotel key to a place I've never been.

And condom brand I've never tried.

Jeez, I was just messing with your head, but she really... He's cheating on you.

Sorry, pig.

Look at this little makeup case.

Couldn't even do one eye.

Excuse me.

Would you like to help me bury a bone?

doesn't work in Cleveland now, I don't know where it's gonna work.

What a day.

Drew, are you okay?

I just found out that Sharon's cheating on me.

Oh, are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. I don't know how she could do that to me.

Sorry, buddy.

You think it has anything to do with the fact you're strutting around with a

purse?

Okay, here she comes, Drew. Do you want me to take her down? I bet her legs are

wobbly from having sex with two guys.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Drew. Thanks for calling me. I can't believe you found my purse. Yeah.

Not a lot of things. Can I talk to you?

Yeah.

I went through your purse.

Why'd you do that?

Maybe I was looking for your shame.

I know you're cheating on me.

How would you explain these things? The matchbook, the hotel key?

I am fixing a restaurant which is in a hotel.

Oh.

Well, then, answer me this.

Why am I such an idiot?

You don't have an answer for that, do you? I didn't think you would. I can't

believe you went through my purse.

I can't believe you don't trust me.

Look, I'm sorry. You're such a great woman.

You're so pretty.

I know how you like sex and all. I figured if you like sex with me, you

with anybody.

I'm so insecure.

I can't stay mad at you.

Maybe we'll find a home for this little guy after all.

Okay, I'll call you when I get back from around the town.

Hey, Drew, did you two just make up?

Yeah, I'm an idiot. She wasn't cheating on me.

Hey, Sharon, about that cheating message.

I can't believe I came this close to blowing it with Sharon.

Drew, you're a great guy.

Besides, she's got her head in a toilet eight hours a day. Where's she going to

meet someone better than you?

Nobody cheer.

Everybody play it cool. Keep your game faces on.

I don't want to see any outward display of emotion.

Outward display of emotion.

Okay, here's the deal. I got some inside information.

Figured out a way to sneak us into the stadium.

Trust me, we are gonna be sitting pretty.

so try to make it look natural, like we're just getting out of the job.

Oh, my God, Lewis, we're out back to stadium.

You spent all night in front of potty for this? All right, okay, nobody panic.

just need a minute to think.

Let's just go back to Drew's and watch the game on the big screen.

Okay, but let's hurry. I have to go to the bathroom.

I'm going to start getting inside that stadium. I'm going to have the whole

experience. I'm going to stuff my face with junk food. I'm going to poke

stringers with my big foam finger. I'm going to win a football game. Joe,

there's no way we're getting inside that stadium.

Kate?

Kate O 'Brien?

Kate, it's me, Wally Schnabel.

Remember, homemaker, I was your pastry partner.

Oh, good.

Wally Schnabel.

I'm surprised you recognized my face. You spent all of high school staring at

breath.

You talking about that guy there that's guarding the VIP entrance?

Yeah, that's him.

That's our way in, Kate.

You go distract them and we'll sneak around behind them.

All you gotta do is bring the boys out of retirement for one last job.

Maybe if I sleep with them, they'll give us all free hot dogs.

Hot dogs?

I'm not doing it.

It's okay, Kate.

It's not your fault to know the magic anymore.

Oh, would you please give it a rest?

You're not going to trick me into doing this by suggesting I don't have it

anymore. Because I still have it. And I will prove it to you.

I feel kind of bad talking to you.

Aren't you back?

Hey, Wally. Hey, you remembered.

It is so good to see you.

Things are really...

changed. Yeah. I moved up in the world. I got a job with a gun.

Really? Yeah.

You know what that gun reminds me of?

Yeah. A penis.

Anyway,

you know, I don't live with my parents anymore.

Well, unless you consider the basement part of their house, which I don't. You

know, my parents are going out of town next week and I'm thinking about having

little par -tay.

What's your number? Oh, it's 34626.

I'll see you then.

We did it.

Snuck into the stadium.

Hey, bro, what are you doing here? How'd you get the tickets?

We had a new position to the game.

Backpack.

See, kids, this player had to learn a lesson the hard way.

Always wear a face mask.

We didn't have to buy tickets. We snuck in.

Oh, good for you.

What's the deal? I mean, I'm wearing a dress.

Believe me, you wouldn't want to be a cross -dresser in a kind of 70 ,000 hard

-drinking football fans.

But I haven't totally sold out.

One of us is wearing panties.

Which one of you want to be wearing my watch?

Excuse me, please.

You already said that.

There's so many different foods in here.

And it's us! Hot dogs! Right here, right here.

You know what would make this better?

Staying here.

I feel so guilty that she's never chewed on me. I don't even have any proof.

You want some?

What?

That does not fit.

Look at that

I never dropped this hot dog.

Welcome to the Rock.

Mr. Wick, you're here too?

Carrie, did you realize that giving away your tickets to an undercover

policewoman for sex is against the law?

We saw you on TV right across the field.

What the hell were you thinking?

Eventually, the hot dog guys worked their way around to you.

I saw Sherry kissing somebody on the big screen. I just went crazy.

Hey, Drew.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the half -time hard.

I'm sorry.

I know I owe you an explanation.

I don't know what to say. It just happened.

I wanted to tell you, but... But what?

I didn't want you to find out like this.

Well, how'd you want me to find out? Pay -per -view?

You don't have to yell at me. I feel terrible enough.

You feel terrible? I'm the lowest cheated on.

Actually, Drew, I cheated on him with you.

What? You mean I'm the other guy?

Sorry, Drew. I thought it was just going to be a one -night stand.

I ended up liking you so much.

All the time you were thinking with little Sharon.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

Oh, I feel so much better knowing that. Thanks.

Goodbye.

But I just... Goodbye.

True. See ya.

Okay.

Well, I guess I could do this for you.

All right, everybody, blend in.

You guys don't have to leave with me. Stan wants the rest of the game if he

wants it. Sure, it's just a game. We'd rather be with you.

Well, at least when something this bad happens, you know it can't get any

Yeah, you know, Drew, when you hit bottom, it's best to just keep moving

forward. Yeah, just keep moving. Who cares what's behind you?

I don't know what it is, but I'm not looking back.

Hey, second game in the stadium. We're sure to get tickets this time.