Original subtitles

Morning, pig.

Morning, Mimi.

Morning, pig.

I said good morning.

Well, there goes the theory that you were cute when you were small.

Doreen, why aren't you in accounting?

And why the hell are you dressed like me?

Because I admire you, Mimi.

You always say what's on your mind.

And you don't take crap from anyone.

Flattered, but still creeped out.

Go on.

Then the other day I saw Austin Powers, and I decided I wanted to be your mini

-me. Well, mini -me -me.

Uh, Doreen, wouldn't you rather dress like someone a little more dignified,

know, like a leprechaun or Bride of Chucky?

Back off.

Hey, you know what? It's kind of fun. I'm watching myself do that.

You know, I just had a scary thought. What if you're just the medium Mimi?

Yeah, pig, you're just jealous because I got someone who wants to look like me.

The closest you ever came is the time you put glasses on your dog's ass.

Low five.

Hey,

Drew.

Lucy's coming up the freight elevator with a new promotion for Buzz Beer.

going to love it.

Oh, Mimi finally had a litter.

Yeah, I guess Satan's not as busy as we thought he was.

Good Lord, Carrie, you've shrunk Mimi.

That's right, sir. I finally perfected my amazing shrinking machine.

Here's your beer, Drew.

Frankie, you can make things bigger, too.

Bring your machine into my office. If this thing works, I can finally take a

shower in the gym.

All this

energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude...

Finally lost your fear of humans.

That's so funny. Come on over to my desk and let's laugh about it.

Forget it.

I take my car to the shop this morning and want six blocks to work.

Man, the dogs are barking like there's someone at the door.

I didn't even get to say goodbye.

the 10th place.

Are you all right?

If he'd taken off the socks, I wouldn't be here.

Wow. I can't believe they make that dress in two sizes.

You're a little early.

We've got this Y2K test coming up on the computers in a couple minutes, and I'll

be ready to go to lunch.

Sure. Listen, tonight, can we eat dinner at... The Getty Land, right across the

street from Puppies and More.

Oh, why do you want to freak your heart like that? You know they don't love dogs

in your apartment. No, I figured it out. We can keep it at your place until my

lease is up for six months.

I told you, I don't need another thing running around my house, scooting its

butt on the carpet, drinking out of the toilet.

I already have Oswald and Lewis.

There's a perfectly good explanation for that.

Oswald scooted his butt across the carpet for 15 minutes to build up static

electricity.

Then he gave me such a shock that I thought my hair was on fire, so I stuck

head in the toilet.

Drew, you make it sound so stupid.

Drew, we're all going out for Chinese tonight. Do you guys want to come?

Actually, we've got plans to go to Spaghetti Land.

Ah, come on.

All right.

Drew, wouldn't you rather have Italian?

Nah. Ah, come on.

Nope.

Why do you always do what Kate wants? I do not.

Actually, Drew, you kind of do.

Oh, I guess I do.

we're about to have a Y2K test of the computer system.

Those of you without computers, please continue to push your carts and brooms.

Those of us with high school educations have important matters to discuss.

Check and mate.

The Y2K test will begin in three, two, one.

Jeez, Drew, all the computer screens are going crazy.

No, it's okay. I got everything backed up on a zip drive, which is unzipping.

Oh, my God. It's my diary. It's my diary.

Wow.

Hey, check out Tuesday.

Had a crying jag for an hour and don't know why.

Maybe this is why. Look at what he's got on Wednesday. Fell asleep again holding

wheel of cheese.

on the computer support.

Hey, everyone.

Which one of the Backstreet Boys does Drew think he looks like? The answer may

surprise you.

What the hell's going on here, Hal?

My secret diary's on every computer screen in the store.

I know, Drew. I'm working on it. Obviously, we're not ready yet.

There, your diary's off. Sorry.

Okay, well, what's the problem?

What's the problem, Drew?

Because of Y2K, on January 1st, computers all over the world are going

Your banks are going to lose your records, Drew. The computers that

flow of oil down the pipelines are going to close. The power grids are going to

shut down, and the grocery shelves are going to be empty. There'll be no water,

no food, no heat, no light, and there'll be rioting in the streets.

If you're lucky, Drew, you'll starve and freeze to death in the dark.

I think you need a window in here, buddy.

All right, don't believe me.

Take this book, The Truth About Y2K.

It'll scare the...

hell out of you.

If I didn't have my own underground city, this book would have scared the

out of me. Bill Gates.

That's nothing. Read the chapter about nuclear weapons.

Ours might be Y2K ready, but what about all the other ones that are pointed at

us? Well, that means we could all... Oh, that figures. The one New Year's Eve

when I have a date.

Chapter one, survival.

Happy New Year.

Are you ready to drink your urine?

Leading to the possible annihilation of the entire civilized world.

Wow.

Now I don't feel so bad about not doing anything with my life.

This is horrible.

Why did the government keep telling us everything's going to be okay?

Because they don't want the populace to panic, so they lie.

This is the same government that told us that eggs were bad for us.

Now... All of a sudden, they're good for us again?

Again? They were always good for us.

He loved his eggs. If he could, he'd suck them right out of a chicken's

All right.

All I know is that no matter what happens, we're all going to be together

midnight December 31st. Agreed? Agreed. I got a question for you, bro. You're

bringing your girlfriend. Can I bring Mimi?

Let's see. Is it going to be guns, beer, no police? Yeah, sure. Why not?

You know, getting together isn't enough. We have to do something.

I suggest preemptive strikes against the neighbors.

They're up to something with all their doors and their curtains.

Well, according to the book here, it says to stock up on food and build a

survival shelter in case of riots or nuclear disaster.

So who's going to build the shelter?

Well, Sharon has tools and upper body strength. I vote for Sharon. Definitely

Sharon.

Okay, but I'm going to treat you like every other client.

So how much is it going to cost me?

A hundred kissy -wissy.

The huggy -wuggy?

Why is it he's never more gay than when he has a girlfriend?

Hey, you know what? If we're going to have a shelter, we should get supplies

before everybody else does. Oh, okay.

Oh, it's my little woman with her little woman.

Honey, we're going to run out and get some supplies for this Y2K thing, and

should thank Drew for saving our lives. Oh, I'll thank Drew.

Bye -bye.

So long.

See you, sweetie.

There's the door.

Bye -bye.

Drew Carey's diary. Get it for a buck.

Here's a little taste.

Today my blank feels itchy.

If you want to see what it is, you gotta buy the book.

Save your money. It's exactly what you think it is.

Hey, but it's a rip -off. She's already got it on the Internet.

If that's on the Internet, my name's probably in there, too. I want to see

I want to see a dollar.

Huh. Think you're safe away from the mother bear?

I am talking to you, boo -boo.

Cram it, Butch.

Give me that.

Fine. But you might want to check out last April 28th. What are you talking

about?

Aw, you wrote about the first night we slept together.

Oh, well, it was important to me.

I was waiting for this for so long.

Finally, I made love to Kate last night. Kate?

It doesn't say that.

I'll be a monkey's uncle.

I can't believe I... You know, when I was typing this up, she probably was

walking by or I was talking on the phone or something.

Or maybe she was on your mind while we were doing it.

But I love you, Lewis.

Oh, I mean, Oswald. I mean, Santa Claus.

See, it happens all the time.

See, now I know why you always do what Kate wants. You're in love with her.

That's ridiculous.

I don't want to talk about it. But I love you, Sharon.

Chocolate chip cookies?

They're for Drew.

Good thinking. But I should tell you thanks to me, he is immune to most

laxatives.

No, they're just cookies.

I was thinking about what we did to Drew.

I feel bad about it.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, a few little pranks are fun.

But we violated his privacy and we screwed up his relationship.

Well, we all had different ideas of what's too far and what isn't.

I guess I have to respect that.

And I also think we wear a little too much makeup.

Take off the wig.

But, Mimi, I didn't... You're dead to me. Go.

Don't let the doorknob hit you in the head on the way out.

Good morning, Drew.

Morning, Mimi.

I felt so bad about what we did at the war, though, that I baked you these

cookies. Oh, thanks.

You know, they look delicious.

of seeing each other's sentences.

So how are things going with your girlfriend?

I don't even think it's you.

I don't even see her anymore.

She waits on the work, then she comes over to my house and just works on the

bomb shelter.

Don't go blaming me. It's no accident you wrote Kate instead of Sharon.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, I think you know what it's supposed to mean. But hey, guys blow their chance

to be with the girl of their dreams all the time.

I didn't blow it with Kate. I never even had a chance.

I was talking about Sharon, but oh, that's interesting.

Mimi? Yes, sir? The love of your life would like to have a word with you.

Really? I'm on my way, Nigel. No, no, no, not me. Your boyfriend Steve is on

line.

But... Oh, that's interesting.

Hi, Mr. Wick. Hello, Kate.

You just missed the most interesting thing. Basically, Mimi just said, I love

you, Kate.

I mean, I love you, Nigel.

Which is me.

was talking to Kate like she was his true Louis.

What?

Hey, uh, so we went to the bank and we took out all our money like the Y2K book

said. Yeah, we wanted to beat the rush.

I got my entire life savings here, 1 ,800 bucks.

That's a pretty big bag you got there, Louis. How much you got?

$37 ,000.

$37 ,000?

Mr. Hay, I'm a little short this week. Can I borrow a buck?

Oh, yeah.

I must have said that, what, 37 ,000 times?

You had $37 ,000 last year when I had to pawn my grandmother's ring to make

rent? You cried with me.

Well, it was sad.

The only thing that got me through it was knowing that I'm stinking rich.

How much you got, Kate?

$3 ,000.

Yep, the one that you think is so irresponsible with her money.

That's right. Hey, Jenner, that's my money!

What's the matter, Drew? Kate just lost her entire life savings. That's funny.

I still can't get my mind off Sharon.

She's mad at me for some silly little reference I made in my diary when I

thought I made love to Kate. You slept with Kate, too?

Damn it! One day I'm going to sleep with somebody in this group.

No, I mean, I was talking about Sharon. I accidentally wrote down Kate's name.

Oh, you're going to have to do something really big to make up for this. Yeah.

What you need is an incredibly romantic gesture.

What are we thinking about again?

Romantic gestures.

I got it. You find

out what she loves most in life and you kill it. That way, you move up a step.

Oswald, do you have any ideas?

A beard of bees.

Thank you, single friends.

You know, she's been talking about getting a puppy. Maybe I'll just get her

puppy. Oh, that's a great idea. What woman wouldn't love a guy that gave her

puppy? Hey, you know, if you're interested at Drug Co., we developed a

that never poops.

Why don't we just do what the regular pet store has for us?

Never poops, huh? No, it eats and eats and never poops.

Of course, it's not the fastest thing on four legs, but... Sharon,

this is a great shelter.

Be a nice place to come home to after a hard day of rioting.

So, what did you put in the walls that withstand a nuclear blast?

Uh, you know anything about construction?

Nope. Kryptonite.

Cool.

I'll open with it.

I'll see your 50 cents and I'll raise you 75.

I will see your 125 and I will raise you $37 ,000.

So, uh, you know we don't have that kind of money. In or out?

We're out.

Hey, there's the woman I want to repopulate the world with.

Well, I just finished a shelter. I'll be heading home. I got a present for you.

Drew, you think you can buy me a puppy?

I hope you don't think this is too corny, but his name is I Really Love

Oh, I taught him a trick. Here, go over there. Let me show you.

Okay, here.

Go to the woman I love.

Go to the woman I love.

Go to the woman I love.

He's a little shy around strangers.

Hey, guys.

Oh, he's so cute.

Who loves Kate?

Who loves Kate the most?

Actually, that's Karen's dog, Kate.

Now, if you're going to go to Sharon, you're going to like it.

Little puppy.

It's okay, Drew.

I understand.

Kate's just more lovable.

I thought we were going to do a Y2K drill. Did it come at a bad time?

Uh, no.

Actually, it came at a great time. Hey, uh, Y2K drill, everybody.

Let's, uh, let's do the scenario B. Scenario B.

Scenario B. Yeah, scenario B. All right.

Uh, it's midnight, and the world has just shut down. The masses are starting

riot. Oswald, turn up the regular power.

Steve, reserve power on.

Steve, reserve power? Oh, God, that's me. I just killed us all. I'm sorry. I

stage fright so bad. In high school, in the Pirates of Byzant, I forgot my line.

Not now, Steve!

Well, it looks like we only have supplies for five people.

One, two... Can you just see if there's an extra cot outside?

Oh, sure. Thanks very much.

Hey!

Sorry, Kate, I'm sacrificing you for the woman I love. Hey!

She's got collars over there.

Thanks.

According to the book, right now, nuclear missiles from all over the world

raining down on Cleveland, and Kate's a charred pile of flesh.

You better not do this when the real thing happens.

I won't. I will.

Drew, it's sweet that you kill your best friend and all, but come on.

And I don't know any other way to show you that I love you. The only proof that

I have is I'm going to be there for you day in and day out.

Eventually, you'll realize that I'm going to marry you and not Kate.

I'll have kids with you, not Kate.

I'll be a big disappointment to you, not Kate.

One day, years down the line, my heart will give out on top of you, not Kate.

Well, maybe I did overreact.

In the future, these will be our movies.

Hey, I'm sick of all this doom and gloom. Let's go to the Warsaw and get a

Yeah.

Hold on, hold on.

I missed $37 ,000 .75.

If I don't see that money in two seconds, I swear to God, I'll kill every

last... Oh, there it is. Sorry.

believe I'm the only man left alive.

Well, at least I have all my Playboys.

And all the time in the world.

Let's see. Where did I leave off?

Oh, July 1999.

Girls of Hawaiian Tropics.