Original subtitles

All right, it's going to rain this weekend.

Pigs do love their mud, don't they?

Let me check my horoscope.

It says here, a walking pile of crap with blue eye shadow will make your life

living hell.

You know, these things are always so general.

Wait a minute, it's not supposed to rain Memorial Day weekend.

I'm talking about Montreal.

My girlfriend and I are spending a romantic weekend at a bed and breakfast.

if it rains all weekend long, it's going to be nothing but bed and breakfast.

Fripes of bed and breakfast?

I hate those places.

It's like crashing at a hippie's house and paying for it.

Nobody panic!

Nobody freak out! Nobody run around like a chicken with a tent coat on!

Surprise visit from a Dutch owner. They're coming up the stairs right now!

For God's sake, pull yourself together, man!

I'm not afraid of the Dutch. What are they going to make us do, pay

Stupid Dutch.

The least they can do is give a girl some warning.

to get ready, too.

Okay, stand up.

Here's our main...

Here's our main office

area. This is the heart of Winfred Lauder and the home of the most beloved

members of our Winfred Lauder family.

Uh, here is number five, six, one, uh, Duke Carey.

Carrie, this is Mr. Van Zandt.

Pleasure to find you, sir.

Carrie, the gentleman who sends those cute little daily chuckles to our main

office. Stop it.

Mr. Van Zandt.

Welcome.

I'm Mimi Bobak. And if you miss Amsterdam, let me know. Maybe I can

with someone who would make your visit a little more pleasurable.

I'll have you know I'm a happily married man and faithful to my wife.

And I, sir, am merely a lamp salesman. I'll thank you to keep your mind out of

the gutter.

You like guys?

Mrs. Lauder.

Mrs. Lauder, is there some way that I could address all the employees?

Allow me, sir, Nigel Rigg, fellow European.

You simply press this button.

Ah, thank you.

Attention!

Vincent Lauder employees.

This is Mr. Vincent.

I have good news for you.

We are going to be doing some remodeling.

So we will have to close the store temporarily, which means that all of you

get a one -month paid vacation.

Starting Monday.

So, everyone, enjoy your vacations. Be with your families. Live, love, and be

happy.

Yes! Not you, Kelly.

We need someone to disperse the paychecks and take care of any employee

that might come up.

Damn it. That's flattering. I'll be here first thing Monday morning after the

holiday weekend. Actually, we need you starting tomorrow.

Great. Another steaming load of good news.

If you're looking for me, Carrie, I'll be at Club Nude in the Bahamas.

Guess what?

We're going to Australia, Carrie.

I can't wait to see Lizard Island.

I hope I don't get drunk and bring the wrong one back.

The concert ticket? Yeah. Oswald just went down to get them. We're going to

Lilith Fair.

Is that the one with all the girl bands?

True. They're women musicians.

And they don't wear bras.

It's going to be nice going to a concert without anybody grabbing my ass.

Uh, Kate, some of those... Uh, she'll figure it out.

Hey.

Hey, guys.

Hey, who's the big shot with the... phone.

Laugh if you want, but I just made the best investment of my life. People own

these now. You can be your own private phone company. The guy who I bought it

off of has been making a fortune off it for years.

Really? He's making a fortune off it? Why is he selling it? I think he wants

retire and write a book or something. He kept talking about Chapter 11.

Oh.

Oswald, you didn't use the money for our concert tickets to buy that phone, did

you? Well, let me answer that question this way, partners.

Oh, Oswald, how could you? We want our money back. All right.

I don't need you two. I can find other investors. Bring, bring. Oh, hello?

Oh, it's long distance for Drew Carey. It's success.

Hello. Well, that sounds very interesting. Oh, hold on just a second.

waiting. Yeah,

it's right here. It's for you. It's rejection.

Hop on my chopper. Let's go to bed.

What's going on?

Well, I felt bad about Winford Lauder taking away our romantic weekend, so I

decided to bring the romantic weekend to us. Come on, hop on.

You sure you're not going to get in trouble for playing around in the store

while it's closed?

Trouble? I laugh at trouble.

Oh, here.

Wear your helmet.

What for?

We're going down some stairs.

Oh, man.

We're out of gas, and it's such a bad neighborhood.

Luckily, someone left some food for us.

Drew, this is beautiful.

You know, you have really good taste when you don't have to pay for it.

Just remember, you break it, you bought it.

Now, let's see what kind of wine Winford Lauder has to offer.

Any preference?

Yeah, I'll take the one in your right hand because that one's bubble bath.

Excellent choice.

And after dinner, gee, after dinner, I have no idea what we can do.

Jeff pitched a tent for me.

Uh,

you know what? Let's go now. Okay.

You should see Amsterdam this time of year. It's beautiful.

Drew, is the boss on the way up? Give me a minute, will you? I'm only human.

That way your crew will have the entire weekend to set the explosives.

Great. Before anybody knows it, this place will be a vacant lot.

Did you hear something?

Oh, must be the guard dogs. Oh, make sure you get all of them out before you

blow up the building. Anything else?

As a matter of fact, yes.

I read where Theodore Roosevelt came into this store to buy paper for his

inaugural address.

And I wound up writing it here because the service was so slow.

So save the credenza in the boardroom.

Oh, yes.

Get that Carrie fellow out, too. But seriously, don't forget the credenza.

Oh, man.

Did you hear that? Oh,

I'm sorry, Drew.

You know what this means?

This place is going to be gone in a few days. I still got to work the weekend.

The explosive stuff is all in here, here, and here.

Yes, of course. We were just going over the plans for the remodeling, weren't

we?

Remodeling, huh? Like drapes and carpets, stuff like that? You can help

the colors.

Okay, how about red? Like the color in hell where liars burn.

your ball at the store.

Why are you doing this?

Drew, listen.

This store barely makes a profit.

We'll do much better with a parking lot. A parking lot?

You're putting 200 hard -working people out of work for a parking lot? Hard

-working? Perhaps you should take a look at some of the security tapes which

influenced our decision.

Here are some of your fellow employees in action.

Here is your store manager working the sales floor.

The good news is he can still do that in the parking lot.

Oh, wait. One more candidate for employee of the month.

Oh, Rod. I'm always catching 40 winks between customers.

This is time lapse. You've just watched three and a half hours.

His boss is coming now. She's going to give him what for, huh?

No sound. Let me narrate for you.

Look at us. We're screwing the Dutch.

So what? It's only three people.

Oh, you want more? Oh, fine.

Wait, what do we hear? Binge drinking in the fur department?

Or victimless crimes in the men's room?

He got that as two. Those are connected.

Don't get me wrong. There are a few passable employees working here, but

seems to be only one man who's holding this place together.

Oh, please. That Franklin's such a kid. I was referring to you, Carrie.

Really? Oh, thank you, sir. You know, I told those other people to work harder.

Carrie, how would you like to be store manager?

A lot of people always offer me a promotion right before they blow up the

I was referring to a store in Toledo.

Really? Me, manager, the whole place? All you have to do is promise not to

your fellow employees about our plans.

Why? Don't they deserve some kind of notice? The union will try to stop us.

delay could cost millions.

Oh, forget it. I can't do this.

Why not?

This store is going to be closed either way.

These jobs are gone.

Yeah, but I can't. All these people, they're all my friends.

Oh, yes?

Tell me, do your friends always do this to your coffee?

So did you hear Oswald's making a fortune on his paper?

You're kidding.

Yeah, he put it up near a high school with a sign that says, As Seen on

Creek.

What's different with a load of success in his pants?

We'll get you a beer, Drew. You'll feel better.

What's wrong with him?

They're blowing up the store and firing all the employees.

Oh, my God.

It's all my fault.

What are you talking about?

Remember last year Winford Lauder gave me that faulty shopping bag?

Well, I got a little upset and I put that idea in the suggestion box.

I didn't think they'd actually blow the place up.

Oh, my.

God, I got to call Hooters.

I'm sorry, buddy. Here you go.

Go down to the vending machine.

Get yourself something special.

Look, Oswald, I don't need your money.

They're promoting me to store manager in Toledo. I just can't tell anybody else

about what's going on.

Hey, Carrie, guess what?

We're not going to Australia.

Olita Latter put me in her will yesterday, so I talked her into going

climbing.

In cougar territory.

With meat in her pocket.

You awful, selfish little man.

I don't care how much money she has. 30 million.

Okay, here's the plan.

No, no, no. Sorry I work alone.

Speaking of working alone, how's it going? Oh, wait. I don't have time to

listen. I'm busy doing nothing.

I'm doing nothing.

Hey, I'm sorry. I shouldn't rub it in. I should be over there doing nothing.

I'm feeling nothing.

What a jerk, Drew. You don't owe them anything.

Did they warn you when they took that asbestos out of the store and you were

working all day?

No, but it was an honest mistake.

These guys are jerks, Drew. Don't worry about them. Enjoy your success, don't

you see? Now's our time. Look at this.

Well, help yourself, business. I got more where this came from. I got a whole

lot of fun.

Hey, how come you're not out celebrating with everybody else?

Well, I've got to get up early tomorrow.

I'm taking the family to Disney World.

It's a pretty expensive trip, isn't it? Hey, I've got a paid month off, and I

can always put in some overtime when I get back.

God, I love those Dutch.

Uh, you know what?

I can't do this. I've got to find some way to help these guys.

I mean, there's a lot of decent people that work there, like good old Bernard.

What's his name? From whatever the hell department he works at.

I can't blame a human resources director who cares about his humans.

Or their colorful mascot.

He is? Okay, great, thanks.

All right, everybody, look it up. The Dutchman's on his way up. I want

to work like they never worked before.

Which should be easy, because you never did work before.

Tell me what the hell is going on here. Why is this store still open?

Sorry, sir, but I told everybody everything.

I'm not going to let you close this store.

That's right, Dutchie. If you blow up this store, you've got to do it with me

it. Now I don't know what I want.

I don't know what you're up to, Carrie, but it's not going to work.

Oh, yeah?

Well, according to my research, Teddy Roosevelt did write his inaugural

in the boardroom, which makes it the historical landmark. And they don't blow

historical landmarks. Did you speak with Beverly at the Historical Society?

Yes, I did. How do you know Beverly?

She's the one who approved our plans for the Theodore Roosevelt Memorial Parking

Structure.

Pigs in the movies are so smart.

Well, I guess it's off to Toledo, huh?

Deal is closed, Carrie.

You get these trespassers out of here or I'll have them arrested.

And that includes you.

Wait.

You don't understand. These are people you're firing here. Real human beings.

I mean, sure, on some cold corporate level it makes sense, an extra half a

percent profit, but think of the cost of humanity.

Now you may join the Elks, my friend, and I may join the Shriners, and other

may carry cards as members of the Diners. Still others wear a golden key

small Greek letter pin, but I have learned there's one great club that all

are in.

There is a brotherhood.

Your lifelong membership is free.

Keep giving each brother all you can. Oh, aren't you proud to be

in that fraternity?

I want you to remember this before you consider firing Mrs. Lowry. Who's

considering that?

Get him out of here.

Look, I know you want to dynamite the place.

I've even thought about it myself. Believe me, I even priced a little cabin

in the woods.

I think you're overlooking the big picture.

One man may seem incompetent.

Another not make sense.

While others look like quite a waste of company expense.

They need a brother's leadership.

So please don't do them in. Remember, mediocrity is not a mortal sin.

We're in the brotherhood of man.

Dedicated to giving all we can.

Oh, aren't you proud to be in that fraternity?

to one God, a hood, a man. Oh, yes, all life long membership is

free.

Keep forgiving, brother, all you can.

Thank you.