Original subtitles

Come along, everyone. It's Winfred Loudon and Ida Jacobsfield.

Come along.

Oh,

I'm sorry, Johnson. I don't have your ticket. Oh, that's right. You're fired.

I'm sorry, old boy. I didn't mean to tell you this way. I wanted to tell you

this way.

You're out!

Crummy feet.

Oh, nice.

Stuck behind you at a baseball game?

Ah, the crack of your ass and the roar of your colon.

But on the bright side, B .B., you'll have front row seats for the seventh

inning scratch.

O 'Brien, get the coffee.

Gary, where's Wick? He's downstairs handing out baseball tickets. Oh, then

leave him a note.

would have killed that fly.

Oh, one more thing.

O 'Brien, my cushion is flat.

It's getting old.

God knows where it's been, but it should be good for one more ball game. Blow it

up. I'll be right back.

Oh, my God.

I'm one step away from actually putting my lips on her ass.

I'll stop Mimi.

Hey, everybody, guess who's here? The most beautiful woman in the world.

Cher?

No, my mom.

Cher?

Someone else has finally taken my place in your heart?

Come on, Mrs. Harvey, I'm almost middle -aged. I think we can stop this little

crush game.

Well, last time we saw you, you were getting ready to get married.

So, where's the new husband?

Oh, my God, you cut his throat?

No.

No, we decided to call it off.

Turns out he wanted to have kids.

There's no way I'm putting myself through that living hell again.

No offending.

I was a big baby.

So what are you going to do now?

I'm moving back to Cleveland.

Yeah, she's going to open up her own hair salon. I'm going to be her

With what?

Well, for my workers' comp money from when I almost choked to death.

You never did tell me what happened, honey. Well, I don't like to brag, but

because of me, they don't call those little styrofoam packing things peanuts

anymore.

Yeah, and if this complaint about road apples holds up, we're going to

Disneyland.

I got a good buy on a shop, and it's in great condition, except it's got this

big hole in the roof.

Hey, she's my girlfriend. She's a handywoman. She can fix anything.

Well, that sounds great.

I'm so glad you finally met someone special.

Does she like Cher?

No, and I'm not obsessed by Cher.

All right, I'm sorry.

What's her name?

Sharon.

What's that?

Ah, it's my beeper. I'm working for Mrs. Louder. I wonder what the old witch

wants now.

Bad cheese?

That could mean millions of things.

God, I hate this job.

Hey.

I'm going to be looking for someone to help out at the salon. Why don't you

be my assistant?

Really? Yeah.

No more Mrs. Louder?

Wait a second.

Have you ever said the words, no matter how hard I scream, do not let go of the

applicator?

Before we go, I got some good news.

Oswald's mom needs the roof of her salon fixed, and you're gonna do it.

Whoa, slow down. I've never done a roof before.

So what? You can do anything.

Listen, you already got your contractor's license, so you need a

confidence in yourself.

I don't know.

It's just a matter of trying something, that's all.

Remember, you used to think having sex with me was, like, the most repulsive

thing in the world? Now we're almost doing it with the life on.

You're right.

What am I afraid of? I'll just climb up there and do the best job I can.

Sounds like Carrie's getting lucky again.

Hey, Drew. Hey. Hey, Sharon.

Louder! Get your butt out here!

What the hell is the matter with you, O 'Brien?

You said you wanted me to do your laundry and make you dinner. Well, I did

both. They're in here.

night thinking how exactly i wanted to say this to you and uh oh i hate you i

hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i

hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i quit

You know, I left school early last night. Drove like a maniac through that

storm, so we could hang out together. Where were you? I had to work late. I

wanted to finish the roof on Mrs. Harvey's salon before the storm moved

made it just in time.

Wow, that's great. I knew you could do it. You can do anything you put your

to. You've been listening to those positive attitude tapes I've been giving

haven't you?

No, sorry.

I knew you wouldn't.

So what'd you end up doing last night?

Well, you know I love storms, so, uh, until the power went out, I just kind

of... Cranked some Zeppelin and raged to the sky.

Whenever I feel afraid... Hey,

Drew, come out here!

Yeah, you gotta see this!

Oh, wow.

It's like the beginning of 2001.

Everyone always asks me that.

Hey, Sharon, I thought you were going to fix my roof last night. I did. You

should check it out. It's beautiful.

I was just there.

Half the roof is still missing.

That's impossible.

I worked all night to get it done.

Roofs don't just fly off.

Oh, God, the storm.

Oh, no.

After all your hard work.

And now Oswald's mom's going to have to pay for another roof? Gee, it's

horrible. Wait a minute. My mom shouldn't have to pay. I mean, Sharon

her a new roof. That's right, honey.

Well, I guess I could put on another roof, but I can't afford to do it now.

Hey, wait a second.

You know, it's not your fault the roof blew off. You know, the insurance

company's called it an act of God.

Oh, well, I call it someone acting like they knew how to put on a roof. Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, everybody.

Let's not point fingers here.

Clearly, Oswald's mom is horribly wrong.

What? Hey.

Let's not start attacking moms unless you're ready to talk about a certain

door -bought Halloween costume.

Big deal. She couldn't sew. At least I wasn't a hobo eight years in a row.

You know, I'm beginning to agree with Drew, and I think you're being pretty

unreasonable. I'd like the rest of my money.

Well, you're not getting the rest of your money until I get a roof with a

warranty of more than two hours. Hey, what about me?

I quit my job to work at this salon, and I am not going back to work for the

oldest surviving Confederate widow.

And you're not getting any of my mom's money, because you're wrong. You're

all... wrong. And don't even think about coming to the shop because you're all

persona abraten.

Drew, don't let the dog eat your breakfast.

Drew. What? Oh, I'm sorry. I already ate. That's yours.

Okay, scram, buddy.

You okay, big fella?

You talk young all night.

Think about that stupid roof and how we're all fighting about it.

I haven't been this mad at Oswald since he shot my dad.

You shot your dad?

Wait, let me start your story for you. We were drinking. No, no, we were

hunting.

And the first time Oswald saw one of those I'm with stupid T -shirts, he

so hard he accidentally pulled the trigger.

I have a delivery for Drew Carey.

I'm Drew Carey. Oh, may I please see some ID?

Not coffee.

Oh, my... My new snow globes.

What happened?

Thank the God.

Oh, really?

Is this God's footprint?

Yeah, that's God's, all right.

And you'll be pleased to know that thanks to your girlfriend, Sucky Ruth

has moved out.

Oh, no, you guys had a fight?

Well, he said some things that can never be unsaid. Wow, you guys have been

together for 15 years.

16 years this August, thanks for mentioning it.

Oh, and I have one more delivery for Miss Sharon Bridges.

Good day. I no longer wish to remain under this roof in case she built it.

You better run.

Hey, careful, honey.

The man who shot my pa.

It's just a greeting card.

From Oswald's mom.

Oh, my God, she's suing me.

Is that a greeting card for that?

Oh, look.

Little kitty cat's a lawyer.

Drew, what do I do? I can't afford a lawsuit.

But there is no way I'm doing the work twice.

It's okay, because I've got a plan.

Oswald's mom will only listen to Oswald, right? Right.

And Oswald will only listen to Lewis. So we've got to get Lewis to talk to

Oswald. Why?

Because Oswald respects Lewis more than any other man in the world.

Why? We don't know.

Well, what if Oswald won't listen to Lewis?

Well, there's always Professor Von Sock.

Professor Von Sock? You mean that stupid little sock puppet Lewis carries around

with him? Hey, listen.

First of all, He's a professor.

Company?

With this power?

Hey,

live in the storage locker?

Yeah, it's the only place in my price range that I really like.

Look, uh, I know I've said this before, but thanks for making me feel better

about my life.

Let me show you around.

This is the kitchen.

This is the bedroom.

Over here is the living room. And should the day ever come, that'll be the

nursery.

Where's the bathroom?

Well, I've only been here two days. I really haven't had to worry about it.

beer. Thanks.

So listen, I need to talk to you about Oswald.

Oswald who?

His mom is important. His mom is doing sharing.

Really?

Just like that family, cheap white trash.

You better not be living in there, Knesset!

I told you, I'm just moving my stuff around!

Look, this is really important.

Oswald's the only one to get his mom to drop a lawsuit, and you're the only one

he'll listen to.

Hey, he called me a loser.

So I packed up everything I own in a hefty bag and moved into the storage

locker.

Here's your paper.

Okay, listen.

I just talked to Oswald's mom.

Here's my idea.

Since her place has no roof, I say we turn it into a beauty parlor slash

salon.

Well, what if it's raining out or if it's cold or something?

Why does everyone keep saying that?

I guess you quit your job a little too early, huh, Katie?

Not necessarily.

Oswald's mom says she's coming over to talk to you tonight.

Hey, good. Maybe she wants to apologize.

Well, she just said she wanted to see you alone because she wanted to show you

something that might change your mind.

Wait a minute, Drew.

This is it.

What you've been dreaming of for 30 years.

The woman you've had a crush on your entire life is coming over to seduce

That's ridiculous.

Is it?

She's losing money every day that roof is off, and you're the one who talked

Sharon out of redoing the job.

You guys are crazy.

Oh, my God, the house is a mess.

Come on, Loach, we're going to Warsaw.

All right, let me take a shower first.

I'll meet you outside.

Yeah.

Well,

it never fails.

Men.

Hey, Drew.

Oh, Mrs. Harvey, what an interesting outfit you have on.

Sorry about that.

I was just at the Y working off a little tension.

You busy?

Just doing some homework.

Gosh,

I hate this stuff.

Why don't we take a look?

Oh, who am I kidding? I was lousy in school.

I was always out screwing around.

You mind if I have a beer?

Sure, go ahead.

Sharon's not here, is she?

I know she's not.

Kim? Pretty good.

You know Drew.

I know you care about her a lot, and I know you think she's the best at what

does, but... Well, believe me, Drew, Sharon is inexperienced.

And I've got something to show you that'll prove it. No!

I'm not having sex with you, Mrs. Harvey.

Drew, I, uh... I just wanted to show you the inspection report on my roof.

Gotcha.

Let's see that report.

The insurance company inspector looked at the damage and said the contractor

fixed the roof messed up.

Oh, wow. She used the wrong nails?

Yeah. Apparently, roofers use a special nail.

Yeah, I know, but there's so many different kinds of nails. How am I

know what kind to use?

Well, they're called roofer's nails.

I'm sorry, Drew.

I don't want to sue anybody. I just want to get my roof fixed.

That's a nod.

Don't say anything to Sharon, okay? I swear to God I'll make this right.

Well, I know you will.

You're a good boy.

I'm, uh, really sorry about that little misunderstanding just now.

I hardly be able to look in the eye anymore.

You never could, honey.

Hi, welcome to Tool Time.

As you can see, our 1955 ranch home needs a lot of work.

Especially the roof.

Where'd you get this tape?

Oh, they give it to you at Home Depot for free when you buy nail.

Well, you ready to go?

Permit. We don't need no thinking permit.

Hey, thanks for helping out, guys.

You know, if we can do this in a couple days, we'll put this whole ugly chapter

in our lives behind us.

Sure, but if Sharon screwed this up, what makes you think we won't? I'll tell

you why, because we're going to use our noggins.

Hey, Drew, I'm glad you apologized. Now I can help you.

Hey, you didn't say he was gonna be here.

Oswald?

Lewis?

You're looking good.

Thanks.

So how's the new place?

Uncomfortable.

Thought I'd be lonely, but I'm not. I'm not either.

You know, I was drinking last night, and I got to throwing up, and I got to

thinking.

I really miss you, and I think we made a mistake. I really miss you.

You had me at throwing up.

I got four people now. This should take no time at all, huh?

Hey, look.

Hank's had one or two nails for Chingle to do it.

Uh, actually, I was trying to kill an ant.

Boy, she really isn't good, is she?

Sharon, what are you doing here? I was looking for my T -square.

I don't know what's going on, but you guys couldn't be up here screwing

Hey, we're working hard here. This ain't no playtime, lady.

Going home, Mr. Potato Bug?

I think not.

Uh, listen.

I didn't want to be the one to break this to you, but... Here's the

report.

Rupert's mail.

Ah, crap.

heck am I going to be a real freaking contractor?

Well, first you've got to learn to swear better than that.

Listen, uh... This is all my fault.

The only mistake you made was listening to me.

Thanks, but that still doesn't explain what you're doing up here.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Wow. If it weren't for those rat guys staring at us, I'd kiss you right now.

guys. Come on, Sharon's going to help us out.

You guys nailed yourselves to the roof, didn't you?

Maybe.

Hey, it looks like rain.

You know, maybe we should start again tomorrow morning.

Yeah, good idea.

Oh, man, that's a big cloud. We're going to get soaked.

Never fear, young Oswald.

My calculations show that the clouds will miss us due to our low pressure

system.

Professor Monsa!

Mrs.

Otter, thank God you're here.

So, you're looking rested.

So she has been here.

Who? The imposter that's telling everyone that I'm quitting to work at a

parlor when everyone knows that I would make half what I get here.

Have you seen her?

That's you.

Fooled me, too.

Well, I suppose it could happen.

I'd hate to see you suffer from another person's treachery. You can have your

job back.

Really? Thank you.

What's all?

Mimi.

Got my job back.