Original subtitles

Hey, Dave.

Oh, good morning, bro.

Hey, you and Sharon must have gotten home late last night. I didn't get home

till three.

My car broke down by the bus station.

By the way, seeing my brother's goodies hanging out of my mom's old bathrobe was

a great way to kickstart the morning.

Hey, Sharon, you're up early. Did you sleep okay?

Mm -hmm.

I'm sorry about last night.

Huh?

I mean, I want to do it that way, but I like looking at you.

Geez.

No, you look better that way.

Steve, I thought we agreed on a signal.

When Mimi's going to spend the night, you're going to set the house on fire.

Let me burn the house down.

Hey, honey, you remember the Incredible Hulk?

That's enough, Drew. Why don't we make breakfast?

How about Denver Omelette?

Oh, I should take this mask off so I can eat.

Why don't you leave it on so we all can eat?

Is it too much to ask to be able to spend time with my brother and my

girlfriend? Can't we have one meal without fighting?

Yes, we can.

Tonight we're all going out to a nice restaurant and we're going to try to

behave like normal couples.

What are you talking about, some double date or something?

Yes! No, wait.

Don't you care how Sharon and I feel?

Do you hate each other more than you love us?

Look, that's like comparing apples you want to sleep with to oranges you want

shoot.

I know some grapes I'd like to crush.

People can change. At least give it a try.

For us?

Fine.

Great! And if this works out, we're just going to be one big happy family.

Hey, Drew.

I don't know what the hell's going on here, but I'm in.

It's not your crew.

Eve took me here on our first date. It was so romantic.

We were all over each other.

And they set up a table for us outside, all by ourselves.

Look at the prices here. I forgot how expensive this was. I can't afford this

place now.

It's okay, honey. I know you have that huge car bill hanging over your head.

It's night dinners on me.

She drives and she pays for dinner. Who's the girl in that relationship?

Table for...

Four. You know, it's a lovely night, perhaps outside. Would you like to eat

inside tonight?

Right this way, please.

Great. The ringside seat of the ultimate eating championship.

Mimi?

Sharon, I love your shoes.

Did you notice if they had them in a 16 triple E?

Wow. Big feet, big hands. No wonder I've never seen you in a miniskirt.

Steve there. Now, Steve complimented me. I complimented him. Drew?

The lovely dress you have on, Sharon.

Can I offer anyone a drink? Yes.

Beers all around.

I'll have a pina colada. If I can take a moment to tell you about our specials.

Just get the drinks!

Maybe I'll try something different tonight.

Like chewing fur.

Sweetie, what are you going to have?

Oh, I don't know. My favorite's not on here.

Hansel and Gretel.

I remember when this place was the Tropics Cafe and they had those little

umbrella drinks and there were parrots everywhere.

My friend had a parrot? I hated it. Strutting around in all those bright

squawking in my ear.

Squawking, squawking, squawking, squawk, squawk, squawk.

Want a cracker?

have the beep wellington medium rare oh baby potatoes you

should be

ashamed of yourself sharon would you like to

join me at another restaurant where we can have a peaceful meal i would love to

shame on you both may i get you anything else sir

Yeah, is there a phone we could use? Our date's kind of just dumped us here. No,

our phone is out of order. You might try the bowling alley down the street.

Oh.

Is that your way of telling us you want us to leave?

No. I'm trying to help.

By now, they're putting stuff in your food.

Tell them to keep their pants on because we're leaving.

Irish. Let's go, Seamus.

Okay, here's the deal. No talking.

We just bowl until our rides get here.

Fine. But if another lane opens up, I'm leaving.

And no checking out my ass.

That's the part without the makeup on it, right?

Watch and learn.

I cross -trained. Let's see what you can do.

I couldn't concentrate. I think there's something gross in my shoes.

Yeah, I guess that six -toe gets in the way sometimes, doesn't it?

Excuse me, how long are you going to be?

Pedaling someplace else, Romeo.

I'm taken.

Actually, we have rounds at the hospital in an hour, and we're hoping to get a

couple of games in. This guy's up 40 bucks. I'm trying to turn it around.

Oh, you're playing a money game, huh? How would you like to play me and my

friend for a couple of bucks? Whoa, whoa, hey, hey. She doesn't know what

talking about. I'm not her friend.

Look, lady, I've seen you ball. I don't want to take your money.

Oh, hey, doc, would you take a look at my finger, please?

The middle one right here.

All right, for money, then. How much?

How much money do you have on you? Like ten bucks. Yeah, me too.

Okay, we bet you a hundred dollars. Put your names in.

A hundred bucks? Hey, listen.

I know there's self -awareness in your song, but you're a lousy bowler.

Jack, I'm good.

I'm damn good.

I'm just hustling you, but these are bigger fish. It's a grill. It's a

Watch out. Watch Mama shake them down.

Well,

now you embarrassed me in front of my butch sister.

Now you've got to make it $200.

All right, two it is.

$200, what are you, crazy?

I had to write a bad check just to rent these shoes.

I knocked all of these hippies down.

Well, what the hell am I supposed to knock down then?

Oh, here they are again.

100, 200 for the first game.

And 300, 400.

For the second game.

You know why you lost, fellas?

Because while you were playing varsity football in high school, we were

Losing your virginity in prom night, we were bowling.

Med school, bowling.

Tortoise and the hare, fellas.

Just out of curiosity, how many hours is it going to take to earn that back?

Hours?

Yeah, well, the joke's on them, because this is a lot of money to us.

I never made this much money hustling alone.

Yeah, well, don't get used to it, because I'm not spending every night

people for money.

Why not? You finally found something you're good at.

If somebody's going to take those chumps' money, why shouldn't it be us?

Well, I'll see you later.

Yeah, see ya.

Did you say something?

No.

Oh.

Why? What, uh... What did you think I said?

Looks like I'm the only one man enough to say this.

Let's you and me team up and work the short con.

Deal.

Hey, uh, remember some of that spray stuff?

Yeah, do me too.

Ah, chess.

It's a game of war.

Go.

Hey,

hey, hey, hey.

Thought I told you guys no chess in the house.

Coming down to Warsaw for a drink?

No, thanks. I'm not drinking tonight.

in there.

No, it's not that. I'm going to buy Sharon some lingerie. I still feel bad

our double date, so I'm going to do some apologizing. You know what I'm saying?

Ah, sex.

You can have sex and then apologize.

I never apologize for sex.

I just offer them a do -over.

Trust me, they never call your bluff.

No, no, not tonight, Speedy. This is because Daddy's going bowling.

Mimi?

Okay, here's the couple.

Tonight, I'm wealthy socialite Josephine von Tisdale. Your name is Pig.

Why not?

If she thinks we're getting along, we're going to have to go on more of those

stupid double dates.

Just tell me what to do.

Quick, grab your equipment and go upstairs while I get rid of my

Boy, I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

I've been listening for the whole year.

Sharon, hey, I thought you had a word tonight.

Hi, honey.

I finished early and I felt bad about the other night because I brought you

pizza. If you last more than 30 minutes, you get it for free.

I'd love to, but, you know, Steve's sick. I gotta stay home and take care of

tonight, so... Oh, well, maybe tomorrow night.

Hope you feel better, Steve.

That was awful.

How's he look?

I don't like his color.

you're breaking up there.

Oh, I did you a favor. What grown man needs three statues of that little guy

saying, I love you this much?

They were gifts from people that love you.

Judah!

There's your report.

Thanks, Mimi.

You're welcome, Drew.

Hello.

There's something going on here lately. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Look at Carrie's ass, Mimi. Isn't it big?

It's kind of big, I guess.

Carrie,

look at Mimi's face.

Does it remind you of anything?

Oh, yeah. Lots of colors like a clown.

That's a good one, sir.

Oh.

Well, this is sad.

You would all have to end one day, but I rather thought it would be the double

funeral.

Poor guy.

We should do something.

Thank you.

Hey, there's my three favorite ladies. How was your day at the spa?

It was great. Thanks so much, Drew. We all got whacked. The lady had to lie

after doing Steve.

I'm smutting, but smooth.

You've been spending a lot of money lately. Where's it all coming from?

I wasn't going to say anything just yet, but I guess I'm being silly.

Mimi and I have been balling people for money.

You mean you two have been hanging out together every night?

Well, this is great. You've become friends.

What?

to be ashamed of. Hey, listen.

We're just doing this for the money.

We hate each other.

We've always hated each other. Our hate is decent and pure and simple and

honest.

And if you can't understand that, well, I feel sorry for you.

Yeah, well, it looks like I'm going to need a partner.

Tell you what. You pick out anybody in the bar here, I'll bowl with them.

Deal.

We'll take her.

me, colorful stranger.

Would you like to bowl with me?

You know, certainly I'm feeling lucky.

Why don't we make it one game for 2 ,000 bucks?

Oh, my God. I don't know. That's kind of a lot of money. Deal.

Let's go, boys. You got it.

Oh, baby got a little greedy.

Hi, guys. You remember us?

Oh, yeah. You're the doctor chump that we took for 400 bucks.

What's going on?

We're going to win our money back.

This is Jerry and Howard.

Winners of the Toledo Open, 1992 and 1995.

Oh, yeah? You want to see what it says on the back of my shirt?

Thank you.

See where the sucker's getting hustled tonight.

Guy's signing autographs over there.

Oh, that's going to be fun.

Every strike, you get a free dance.

Did you ever think you'd see the day when Drew and Mimi were dancing?

It doesn't feel natural. It looks like a bear and baboon dancing.

Exactly like a bear and baboon dancing.

You need two strikes to stay alive.

Good luck, buddy.

Keep the doctors.

Always tell me what's good for me.

Fried foods will kill you. I'll show you what fried foods can do for you.

Jerry's going to win because he's got his friends with him and we're thinking

good thoughts.

Hey, that's my book.

It's Baywatch.

Hey, Doc, I so much love my arm. Every time I do this, ten pins fall down.

You're on a roll, Drew. One more ball.

Yeah, then Drew's going to win your $1 ,000. You're going to have to go

back to your million -dollar houses and explain that to your beautiful wife.

You're too close to win, Drew.

Do you want it? I want it. Can you do it? I can do it. I'm the man.

I love you, buddy.

I love you, too.

Well, don't think about it. Just... Boom.

What? Get the ball! Get the ball!

Get it!

Oh, no!

You choked!

I can't believe it. You lost me $1 ,000. I hate you more now than I ever did,

pig! It's your fault. You're the one who said you loved me. You said you loved

me! Guys always say that.

Well, do you have $2 ,000 on you?

find it.

Hey, Dave, what's going on? My ankles are swollen and I can't get these boots

off. Could you guys give me a hand?

Sure.

It's not coming. Man, these things are really...

limits. This ain't even close.