Original subtitles

All right, folks, we're closing up.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

Well, I can't believe some people just can't take the hint.

Hey, you need some help getting those losers out of here?

Sure.

Okay, time to go, boys.

You guys want a piece of me?

I mean, sexually.

Name's Oswald. Give me a call.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Karen.

What are you doing here so late? I just came by to get a beer.

Sorry, it's 2 -0 -1. No can do.

Who died and made you king of the bar?

My father.

the way my night's been going.

What's wrong?

I just broke up with Bill after five months together.

Aw, you're too good for him. Luckily, I'm not.

Hey, uh, you know, I got plenty of beer at my place. Why don't we go back there?

Anybody up for it? Nah, I haven't given up on this place yet.

I'm in. Want a ride?

Yeah, sure. Let me pay the towel. I'll bear it with you. Aw, take your time. I

got something of Bill's in the back of my truck I gotta throw away.

In front of his truck.

Drew, Sharon just broke up with that guy and she's real vulnerable right now.

Well, don't worry about me. I mean, she made it clear we're just going to be

friends. I'm not going to try anything.

No, what I'm saying is she's real vulnerable right now.

Well, I don't think we're going to meet anyone tonight.

Maybe we should just go upstairs, huh?

I don't know. I'm not even tired yet. Oh, me either.

and have a beer with you?

No, it's no problem. And, you know, don't worry about me. I know you just

to be friends, so I'll be a perfect gentleman.

Wow, I always thought the first person to do that to me would be a paramedic.

Am I a machine?

Speedy hoping to keep you awake last night.

Now you know why Daddy practices so much.

Sure?

Sure?

Oh.

Must have went to work.

I'll tell you something, buddy.

You might have invented it, but I perfected it.

I was quite the man last night, let me tell you.

Dear diary, you know that girl I've been telling you about?

Well, it finally happened.

So, Mummy knew.

And then Mummy said, she said, that's what makes your cheeks pink, Nigel.

Oh,

I was a beautiful baby, Eugene.

Well, you've seen all the pictures. Which one was your favourite? Please

me.

You're right, you're right. They're all delicious.

Gary, I'd like you to meet my new best friend. This is Eugene.

Hey, Eugene.

I know him, sir. He's worked on his shoes for years.

Yes, yes, but I never really got to know him. He's such a bright fellow, not

just another yes man. Right, Eugene?

You keep me honest.

Tell me, do you want to hit the strip clubs by the airport this evening?

buttons. All right, I'll go and get my coat, but don't talk about me while I'm

gone.

What's with the silent act?

Listen, Carrie, I've paid attention around here.

People who shoot off their mouth never get ahead.

That's ridiculous. Look at me.

Go on.

If you don't say anything, you never say the wrong thing.

Well, maybe that's true for the short run, but I meant it for the long run. I

believe in working hard, keeping your nose to the grindstone, maybe... Oh,

your jabbering, Carrie. Is he bothering you, Eugene?

Oh. Well, right out of fellow employee, eh?

God, I love this man!

I might try that silent stuff, but my voice is still freaking soothing.

I just met Mr.

Wick's friend, Eugene.

I think he's smart. I think he's funny. I think he's sexy.

What do you think, Drew?

Anybody home in there, moron?

Hey, Drew, what's that on your neck? Is that a hickey?

Doesn't look like the vacuum cleaner this time either.

Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but my relationship with Sharon has

progressed to a new level.

I know her mystery.

Her mystery?

I think I know who done it. It was Drew in the bedroom with a tool.

I guess it makes sense. I mean, odds are you hang out with a guy long enough,

you'll end up in bed with him.

No.

So what made her change her mind about you?

I don't know. It all happened so fast. And we really didn't have time to talk.

And when I woke up this morning, she was gone.

Uh -oh.

Wait a minute.

She was gone?

Yeah, so what?

Did she at least leave a note?

What do you need a note for? She's not my mother.

All I know is I never had a woman leave without saying anything before.

Yeah, at the very least you get thanks for nothing quick draw.

You guys relax.

I'm sure she wasn't unsatisfied after we've done it two and a half times.

Unless it was five halves.

Look, why don't you guys go ahead, and I'll catch up with you after I give

Sharon a call.

All right, buddy. And look, when it comes to sex, one person's always

disappointed. So far, I've been lucky. It's always been the girl. Oh.

Hey, Sharon.

It's Drew.

Hey, Drew.

What's going on?

Well, I was just thinking about you.

Yeah, I was just thinking about you, too.

Listen, I was wondering if maybe you want to go out Friday night.

Uh, no can do.

Well, and how about Saturday?

I'm kind of busy.

Why don't I call you?

Oh, sure. I mean, I just want to tell you I had a really good time last night.

Yeah, same here.

Well, I'll let you go.

Bad news?

You know what I do when I'm feeling down?

I go to the park and I sit by the pond and watch the baby ducks for a while.

Then I just lay back and watch the clouds go by.

Then I get up and I go get some cotton candy.

Have sex with my brother? I know what you're getting at.

Oh, that reminds me. I'm late for a nooner.

Hey, Speedy.

After I find out what happens to Miss Marple here, Daddy's going to check on

muffins.

Speedy. Did you hit pizza on the speed dial again?

Well, I'll pay for it, but I am very upset.

Sharon, what are you doing here?

Hi, Drew.

I was hoping you'd be here.

You're lucky you caught me.

Could have been in bed, if you know what I mean.

Sweeping.

So, I thought you said you had plans.

Yeah, plans changed.

Figure why not come over here, hang out, watch a little TV. Is that okay?

Yeah, but I don't have a TV upstairs.

When the pizza guy gets here, give him a big tip.

You rolled over and fell asleep so fast last night. I just wanted to catch you

before you left so we could have a little pillow talk.

Sure, honey.

What do you want to talk about?

Well, I had a really good time last night.

Me too.

Anything else?

Well, I'm just confused because when he called me, you know, you seemed a little

disappointed.

No, the sex was great.

Well, duh. What was your first clue?

I mean it. What was your first clue?

Look, Drew, I've been feeling kind of down, and you really helped me through

I like being with you. I'm just really not ready for a relationship.

Wait a second. Is this what I think it is?

Can't we just do it and not talk about it?

Let me get this straight. You don't want to talk. You don't want flowers. You

just want cold, mechanical sex.

Yeah.

Are you crying?

I'm just so happy.

Sally, looking beautiful. Hal, in a new suit.

Karen, what a great haircut.

Mimi, here's a dead bird.

boomerang. You're going to have to get a new dead bird pretty soon.

Anyway, who says you can't have ice cream for breakfast? Certainly not you.

asked you many times.

You're as naughty as I am, aren't you?

Here's Anderson's file.

Who's Anderson?

He's those feet dangling out of your rear end.

Eugene. Well, Eugene Anderson, you are formally promoted to manager of the

department. Here's your pass to the executive parking lot. We don't have a

for you yet, but you can use, Gary. What?

Thank you.

What was that?

Thank you.

Was that sarcasm?

No, no, sir.

No, sir. I don't think I like your tone, Anderson.

Success has turned you ugly.

Don't call me.

Why did I talk?

What?

like him anymore.

Hey, Mimi, I got a package for you.

Texas fire ants?

Extra angry?

You think they're angry now? Wait till they find themselves in Carrie's

underpants.

Hey, Drew, what's up? We met you at the Warsaw last night.

Oh, yeah, I was out running, ran two miles.

Has that ice cream truck driver been playing with you again?

No, I mean, I was jogging, you know, staying safe.

Oh, so you can chase the ice cream truck better?

No, I mean, get in shape for Sharon.

See, it turns out she doesn't want a relationship. She just wants me for sex.

Andrew Carey.

Oh, hi, Sharon.

Oh, you know, I'm a little busy right now, but maybe if you repeated that.

Told you.

Oh, yeah, I think I can get off a little early.

Yeah, I know the Ritz -Carlton.

That sleazy motel right behind it? Yeah, I'll be there.

Laughter.

Je m 'appelle...

if you want, but I don't think you'll be able to see it.

I'm going to wear it. Oh, even sexier.

Hey, wait a second. Guess what happened with work today? I got some good news.

What?

Well, Mrs. Lowder finally accepted one of my ideas. They're going to open an

employee credit union.

That is great, Drew.

Congratulations.

Okay, up and at them. No, no, slow down.

I think we should go out and have dinner and celebrate. I want to tell you all

about it.

Drew, that's going to take a while, and I have to get up early tomorrow.

So what do you say to him?

Can't we talk about employee benefits for a minute, please?

Gosh, the last two weeks, we've hardly talked at all.

Okay, fine.

Okay, so I'm at my desk, and the phone rings, and it's Mrs. Louder. Uh -huh.

I think to myself, man, today of all days, why this tie?

Uh -huh.

You're not even listening.

You're just going to uh -huh your way through this whole thing, aren't you?

Drew, we had an agreement. I don't... I want a relationship.

Okay, you're right. Fine. I'm fine. Fine, fine, fine.

Are you sure?

I said I'm fine.

Now, should we go upstairs?

I don't think so. After that lecture, I'm not feeling very sexy right now.

Well, I think you look sexy.

Let's lose him his collar.

This thing is too tight.

Fine. Do your business.

looks like we have a little problem.

And I think I know how to fix it.

fires in that strip club?

Hey, see what's happening here? We're laughing.

We're having fun with our clothes on and everything.

And since we already got the physical side taken care of, I think I got some

news for you.

I think we're in a relationship.

Aw, damn.

Bet we're cute as crap, too.

You know what I think we need to do? We need to go on our first date.

You think?

Yeah. Come on, let's go celebrate. Let's go to the Warsaw.

Okay, wait a minute. If we're gonna be in a relationship, I want you to take me

somewhere with tablecloths.

Okay, I got one. Let's go to the work site.

That

was

nice of them to make you a swan, even though there wasn't any food left on

plate.

Well, after you.

Uh, no.

This is as far as I go on the first date, Drew.

What? Yeah, we're dating. I'm not just gonna jump into bed with you.

Are you kidding me? I've seen you vault from the nightstand.

That was before, when there was no emotional attachment.

Oh.

Well, I had a good time tonight.

I had a good time tonight.

Hey, they put cigarette butts in my swan.

You can have mine.

Thanks.

I'd rather have a goodnight kiss.

That I can do.

Well,

um, thanks again for a great night.

So you're going to write about me in your diary?

What am I, a 13 -year -old girl?

Daddy's got a new girlfriend.

Daddy's got a new girlfriend.

Daddy's got a new girlfriend.

Hey, you had your chance, lady. Go home.

Daddy's got a new girl.

Eugene, I just came by to apologize for what I said before. I was totally out of

line. I was having a bad day. I just hope you'll come back to work.

Really, I mean it.

Truth is, you're the only one who ever really understood me.

Please come back, pal.

Okay. Okay?

That's big of you. Forget it.

Don't do me any favors. In fact, you're fired.

Jeez, what was his problem?

Beats me.

What the hell's that supposed to mean?