Original subtitles

Okay, well, we'll go home. See you guys later.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm going to need to see what's in the bag.

But I'm the star of the show.

Star? I always thought it was more of an ensemble show.

All right, buddy, you got an explanation for this?

Do I?

This is the prize for the Drew Carey Show's April Fool's contest.

And you can win if you write down all the mistakes we put in tonight's show,

there are at least 50 of them. For example, in the show...

Oswald isn't a security guard. He's a delivery man.

I'm an example of a mistake.

I like the Indians, but they're going to the crapper unless they find another

quarterback. The guy they had last year threw like a girl.

You got that right. That's what I love about my job. Talking sports with the

guys.

Okay, you're all done, Steve.

Phil, you're an artist.

You're up, bro.

Get some new girly magazines.

This one's idea of a turnout is collecting rubber for the war effort.

Drew, I have a rabbi and two priests that come in here.

If I won't get new porno for them, why should I for you?

Oh, that meatball sandwich has an Italian temper.

Call me old -fashioned, but I like... Like the traditional barber, those

stylists are so impossibly affecté.

So, what grade are you in, little fella?

I guess it would make me in 32nd grade.

Give me your best, Phil.

Our parents are coming for their 45th anniversary party next week.

Wow, 45 years.

George is a lucky man.

Hey, look at this.

I found this picture the first time you came in here.

Hey!

Hey, you're a good customer, Drew.

And you've got a great head.

Nice and square.

comes from...

Oh, they gave me some man clippings to tape on for my first shower day in gym.

That's right.

That's how we met.

I recognize my hair on you.

Bill knew people.

I remember when I was a kid, he always told me I was going to be somebody.

When I grew up and I didn't become anybody, he never mentioned it again.

Poor Bill.

Well, at least he went out the way he always wanted to, face down in a pile of

hair. Yeah.

making goofy faces.

I'm not making it.

Oh.

So the dance continues.

Mom, what are you doing here so early? The anniversary party's not until

Oh, I know, but I wanted to fly in. I didn't want to drive with your daddy.

some coupons. Every night we have to stay at a Johnny's rooster inn. I've

even heard of a Johnny's rooster inn.

I stayed in one once. Not as nice as it sounds.

Congratulations on your 45th anniversary, Mrs. Cunningham.

I don't know how you did it.

Well, it's not hard when you're in love and you respect each other. Besides, my

generation was taught that when you say, I do, that's for the rest of your life.

Wow. Except for Hitler, yours is the coolest generation.

Thank you.

Well, don't you kids worry. I'm sure that you will be celebrating your 45th

anniversaries, too. And I'm sure that poor Louis will be invited.

something you look like you're dressed up to go somewhere nice uh actually mom

we're going to a funeral i got some bad news uh phil radner died a couple days

ago no oh oh no this is awful

poor phil i'm gonna go change real quick i want to go

with you

Boy,

I don't know what I'm going to say to Phil's wife.

Just be gentle and sensitive to her feelings. Do you remember any of the

things he said?

Yeah, it was a joke. Something about a priest reading pornography.

Tell her that.

Hey,

guys.

Hey, where'd you get the beer?

From the O'Toole Wake, two doors down. Boy, those guys sure know how to die.

Nice. When I go, I want to invite all the guys who ever turned me down, locked

the doors and burned down the building while a tape of my voice says, you're

going out. me now foolish mortals i'm in a drug court trial group for a new

pill that lets you live 300 years a few losers get a placebo but the people they

want around for a long time get the real thing you want to try one they're real

sugary oh yeah i should get to see it before all the good ones are taken

We're wearing the same dress as the widow.

But only one of us is carrying it off.

Hey, pig, as long as we're here, would you mind posing in a coffin? I want to

get a picture for my hope chest.

All right, well, I'm going to go drain the lizard.

Oh, my God, did you see that?

She practically kissed a dead guy. Why would she do that?

Maybe it's part of some freaky scavenger hunt.

Jeez, did you check out the look between Phil's wife and Drew's mom?

Maybe you're right. Something weird's going on there.

Didn't she say that she sees him every time she comes here to New Rochelle?

Yeah. Oh, my God, I hate to say it, but I think Drew's mom's been having an

affair with Phil.

That's what all those lunches were about.

stressful morning. You know, when this is over, would one of you like to have

lunch with me? No way.

Morning.

Morning. You're fired.

Morning. Mimi, it's time for our annual blood drive, and we don't want to lose

out to any of the other department stores this year.

Plus, if we win, I get a $2 ,000 bonus.

Yeah, yeah, blood, the gift of life. Why should I care?

I'll split the money with you.

Why didn't you say so?

Fantasies. Shut up and give me your blood.

Does that hurt?

Yeah. Does this hurt?

My head!

It's my head!

It's my head!

Hey guys, ready for lunch?

Drew, before we go, there's something we gotta talk about.

How often did your mom see Phil?

I don't know. Whenever she came up from Florida, maybe five, six times a year.

Six times a year?

She's insatiable.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'll put this as delicately as I know how, Andrew.

We think the barber was slamming it to your mom.

What? We saw her at the funeral. She was almost in tears. She and the widow shot

each other daggers, and she kissed Phil.

Not only that, she was the last to leave.

My mom and the barber?

Well, there's no way.

All she ever did was drop us off and... Okay.

You're all done, Steve.

Why so quiet today, Drew?

I had to go shopping with my mom at that stupid one -for -latter store.

I was stuck there for two hours.

Never again.

Hello, boys. I'm done shopping.

And we're all done here, Mrs. Carey.

Look, Mom.

Ta -da!

Are you making fun of the way I try on clothes, Steve?

No. I love the way you try on clothes.

That's my boy.

All right, boys.

Your mom has to pay me, so why don't you go over to the arcade and play Space

Invaders? If you get hungry, get yourself a burger.

doesn't diminish over time like a man's let me tell you something about your

mom's hormones why

there

she is the one woman I thought would never

lie to me

You think you know your own mother.

Drew, the woman married younger back then. She probably didn't get to

life much before having a family, and she just wanted to see what it was like

park another car in the garage.

You know, calling it a garage really isn't helping anything.

Well, I can't tell you what to do, but personally, I'd stay out of it.

Well, I'm going to hit the sack.

the cookies for the anniversary party tomorrow night. You know how much your

father likes them. But then I've never met a man who didn't like my cookies.

Great. I already lost garage and I already lost cookies.

Oh, a Julie from work called to remind you of a breakfast meeting tomorrow.

She sounded very sweet.

She's in accounting. We're just friends.

Julie, listen to your mother. I think I know a little A little bit more about

relationships than you do.

Lord knows I'm not perfect.

But then being married for 45 years is nothing to sneeze at.

But you did, Mom. You sneezed all over it.

What? I know what you've been doing at your lunches. The gang saw you kissing

Phil at the funeral, and I remembered a few things from when I was a kid.

How could you do this to Dad?

Does he know about this? All this time, he's out waiting in the car listening to

Paul Harvey while you're inside finishing the rest of the story.

Well, my lord, according to my chart here, everyone's given blood at least

twice, except for you.

What are you, a girly man?

You've seen me run, you've seen me throw a ball. What do you think?

There's nothing to be afraid of. We just take a little needle and we find a

vein.

Okay,

he's out. Drag him in there, poke him, and I'll drain him.

What is things you've said on a date?

We just came by for our free flu shots.

We didn't know we had to give a pint of blood first.

Well, how do you think they were going to make room for the vaccine?

Oh.

Oh,

by the way, the two of you might feel a little lightheaded.

Oh, you would never notice.

Just about time for the graduation party, Drew. I guess we better get

huh?

Oh, I'm feeling a little dizzy.

Oh, you guys go ahead. I'm mad at my mom. I'm not going to go.

You listen to me, Drew Carey. You're being selfish.

Catch me, Oswald. I'm going to faint. I'll get you, buddy.

Hey, Mr. Cuban.

Oswald, point my hand at him.

Be a man.

If you don't go, you're going to disappoint a lot of people, okay?

Now roll me away dramatically.

Watch my hand. Watch my hand.

Your children.

What the hell's the matter with you?

Get back in there. No.

Drew, I think we proved throughout our childhood I can make you do or eat

anything.

Yeah, I wanted that caterpillar.

This is no way to act at a party. You know, I don't want to come to a stupid

party in the first place. Well, I didn't want to wear a slip, but I did it for

Mom and Dad.

Won't you just come in here?

Mom had an affair with a barber.

Hey, get in here. Uncle Mike's getting a little touchy -touchy.

Mimi, please.

Guy talk.

Oh, sorry, Princess.

You got it wrong, Drew.

Mom didn't have an affair with Phil.

Look, I didn't want to believe it either.

Would you just stop it?

It was Dad.

Phil's wife.

What? That's just crazy.

How do you explain all the time they spent together? And what about all the

times they went in the back room when Mom dropped us off for haircut? They

consoling each other.

They got through it and they became friends.

Well, how come you know about this and I don't?

I found out when I was a kid.

I was trying on dresses in Mom's closet when I heard them arguing about it.

To this day, I can't wear an A -line skirt without getting a panic attack.

laughter

Yeah. He admitted the whole thing.

They even began talking about divorce and argued over who got you.

They both wanted me?

Yeah.

That bastard.

Doesn't he realize that our mom is a saint?

You know, leaving her alone to raise us all by herself while he's out top

canting around, we could have turned out all screwed up.

Forget about it, Drew. It happened 30 years ago.

What the hell are you doing out here? We're having a party.

If you give a damn about your mother's feelings, you get your keisters in

Now.

Did you hear that?

Warren Beatty wants us back inside the house.

I have this next dance with Mom.

Okay.

If you think what you kids do can be called dancing.

But the rest of your dance card is full.

I'm sorry, Mom.

What for?

I know everything.

Why don't you just tell me the truth yesterday?

Why do you think he invited Phil's wife to the party?

Made you look.