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1
00:00:01,239 --> 00:00:03,469
Okay, well, we'll go home. See you guys
later.
2
00:00:04,580 --> 00:00:07,000
Excuse me, sir.
3
00:00:07,001 --> 00:00:09,539
I'm going to need to see what's in the
bag.
4
00:00:09,540 --> 00:00:11,020
But I'm the star of the show.
5
00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:14,330
Star? I always thought it was more of an
ensemble show.
6
00:00:14,331 --> 00:00:18,999
All right, buddy, you got an explanation
for this?
7
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:20,050
Do I?
8
00:00:20,051 --> 00:00:22,819
This is the prize for the Drew Carey
Show's April Fool's contest.
9
00:00:22,820 --> 00:00:26,579
And you can win if you write down all
the mistakes we put in tonight's show,
10
00:00:26,580 --> 00:00:29,320
there are at least 50 of them. For
example, in the show...
11
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:32,060
Oswald isn't a security guard. He's a
delivery man.
12
00:00:32,210 --> 00:00:33,530
I'm an example of a mistake.
13
00:00:35,250 --> 00:00:40,769
I like the Indians, but they're going to
the crapper unless they find another
14
00:00:40,770 --> 00:00:43,870
quarterback. The guy they had last year
threw like a girl.
15
00:00:44,450 --> 00:00:48,589
You got that right. That's what I love
about my job. Talking sports with the
16
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:49,640
guys.
17
00:00:49,730 --> 00:00:51,670
Okay, you're all done, Steve.
18
00:00:54,030 --> 00:00:55,810
Phil, you're an artist.
19
00:00:57,010 --> 00:00:58,060
You're up, bro.
20
00:00:58,321 --> 00:01:01,099
Get some new girly magazines.
21
00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:04,530
This one's idea of a turnout is
collecting rubber for the war effort.
22
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:10,840
Drew, I have a rabbi and two priests
that come in here.
23
00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:14,230
If I won't get new porno for them, why
should I for you?
24
00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:19,440
Oh, that meatball sandwich has an
Italian temper.
25
00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:30,359
Call me old -fashioned, but I like...
Like the traditional barber, those
26
00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:32,380
stylists are so impossibly affecté.
27
00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:38,480
So, what grade are you in, little fella?
28
00:01:43,380 --> 00:01:45,780
I guess it would make me in 32nd grade.
29
00:01:47,180 --> 00:01:48,320
Give me your best, Phil.
30
00:01:48,321 --> 00:01:51,719
Our parents are coming for their 45th
anniversary party next week.
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00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:52,860
Wow, 45 years.
32
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:54,350
George is a lucky man.
33
00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:55,770
Hey, look at this.
34
00:01:56,030 --> 00:01:58,620
I found this picture the first time you
came in here.
35
00:02:02,050 --> 00:02:03,100
Hey!
36
00:02:04,650 --> 00:02:06,330
Hey, you're a good customer, Drew.
37
00:02:07,150 --> 00:02:08,470
And you've got a great head.
38
00:02:09,009 --> 00:02:10,059
Nice and square.
39
00:02:45,870 --> 00:02:46,920
comes from...
40
00:03:21,710 --> 00:03:25,440
Oh, they gave me some man clippings to
tape on for my first shower day in gym.
41
00:03:26,630 --> 00:03:27,680
That's right.
42
00:03:27,750 --> 00:03:28,800
That's how we met.
43
00:03:28,970 --> 00:03:30,550
I recognize my hair on you.
44
00:03:34,950 --> 00:03:36,110
Bill knew people.
45
00:03:36,111 --> 00:03:39,829
I remember when I was a kid, he always
told me I was going to be somebody.
46
00:03:39,830 --> 00:03:43,380
When I grew up and I didn't become
anybody, he never mentioned it again.
47
00:03:43,381 --> 00:03:45,249
Poor Bill.
48
00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:49,289
Well, at least he went out the way he
always wanted to, face down in a pile of
49
00:03:49,290 --> 00:03:50,340
hair. Yeah.
50
00:04:10,850 --> 00:04:12,190
making goofy faces.
51
00:04:13,610 --> 00:04:14,660
I'm not making it.
52
00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:16,000
Oh.
53
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:18,050
So the dance continues.
54
00:04:18,051 --> 00:04:22,789
Mom, what are you doing here so early?
The anniversary party's not until
55
00:04:22,790 --> 00:04:26,269
Oh, I know, but I wanted to fly in. I
didn't want to drive with your daddy.
56
00:04:26,270 --> 00:04:30,609
some coupons. Every night we have to
stay at a Johnny's rooster inn. I've
57
00:04:30,610 --> 00:04:32,450
even heard of a Johnny's rooster inn.
58
00:04:32,710 --> 00:04:35,490
I stayed in one once. Not as nice as it
sounds.
59
00:04:40,911 --> 00:04:46,479
Congratulations on your 45th
anniversary, Mrs. Cunningham.
60
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:47,760
I don't know how you did it.
61
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:54,979
Well, it's not hard when you're in love
and you respect each other. Besides, my
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00:04:54,980 --> 00:04:58,980
generation was taught that when you say,
I do, that's for the rest of your life.
63
00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:02,090
Wow. Except for Hitler, yours is the
coolest generation.
64
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:04,410
Thank you.
65
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:09,299
Well, don't you kids worry. I'm sure
that you will be celebrating your 45th
66
00:05:09,300 --> 00:05:12,800
anniversaries, too. And I'm sure that
poor Louis will be invited.
67
00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:27,539
something you look like you're dressed
up to go somewhere nice uh actually mom
68
00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:30,779
we're going to a funeral i got some bad
news uh phil radner died a couple days
69
00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:36,579
ago no oh oh no this is awful
70
00:05:36,580 --> 00:05:43,479
poor phil i'm gonna go change real quick
i want to go
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00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:44,530
with you
72
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:11,450
Boy,
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00:06:18,251 --> 00:06:22,659
I don't know what I'm going to say to
Phil's wife.
74
00:06:22,660 --> 00:06:25,639
Just be gentle and sensitive to her
feelings. Do you remember any of the
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00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:26,690
things he said?
76
00:06:26,979 --> 00:06:30,289
Yeah, it was a joke. Something about a
priest reading pornography.
77
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:31,730
Tell her that.
78
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:35,690
Hey,
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00:06:37,460 --> 00:06:40,740
guys.
80
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:43,340
Hey, where'd you get the beer?
81
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:47,170
From the O'Toole Wake, two doors down.
Boy, those guys sure know how to die.
82
00:06:48,780 --> 00:06:52,899
Nice. When I go, I want to invite all
the guys who ever turned me down, locked
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00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:55,879
the doors and burned down the building
while a tape of my voice says, you're
84
00:06:55,880 --> 00:07:02,819
going out. me now foolish mortals i'm in
a drug court trial group for a new
85
00:07:02,820 --> 00:07:06,919
pill that lets you live 300 years a few
losers get a placebo but the people they
86
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:11,079
want around for a long time get the real
thing you want to try one they're real
87
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:16,020
sugary oh yeah i should get to see it
before all the good ones are taken
88
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:31,210
We're wearing the same dress as the
widow.
89
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,280
But only one of us is carrying it off.
90
00:07:33,281 --> 00:07:39,199
Hey, pig, as long as we're here, would
you mind posing in a coffin? I want to
91
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:40,700
get a picture for my hope chest.
92
00:07:41,300 --> 00:07:45,140
All right, well, I'm going to go drain
the lizard.
93
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:58,560
Oh, my God, did you see that?
94
00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:01,529
She practically kissed a dead guy. Why
would she do that?
95
00:08:01,530 --> 00:08:03,880
Maybe it's part of some freaky scavenger
hunt.
96
00:08:10,350 --> 00:08:13,780
Jeez, did you check out the look between
Phil's wife and Drew's mom?
97
00:08:13,781 --> 00:08:16,349
Maybe you're right. Something weird's
going on there.
98
00:08:16,350 --> 00:08:19,609
Didn't she say that she sees him every
time she comes here to New Rochelle?
99
00:08:19,610 --> 00:08:23,449
Yeah. Oh, my God, I hate to say it, but
I think Drew's mom's been having an
100
00:08:23,450 --> 00:08:24,500
affair with Phil.
101
00:08:24,590 --> 00:08:26,700
That's what all those lunches were
about.
102
00:08:26,701 --> 00:08:32,119
stressful morning. You know, when this
is over, would one of you like to have
103
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,360
lunch with me? No way.
104
00:08:36,179 --> 00:08:37,229
Morning.
105
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,120
Morning. You're fired.
106
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:44,939
Morning. Mimi, it's time for our annual
blood drive, and we don't want to lose
107
00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:47,279
out to any of the other department
stores this year.
108
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:51,100
Plus, if we win, I get a $2 ,000 bonus.
109
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,880
Yeah, yeah, blood, the gift of life. Why
should I care?
110
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:56,920
I'll split the money with you.
111
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:58,360
Why didn't you say so?
112
00:09:04,860 --> 00:09:07,080
Fantasies. Shut up and give me your
blood.
113
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,760
Does that hurt?
114
00:09:11,380 --> 00:09:12,880
Yeah. Does this hurt?
115
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,090
My head!
116
00:09:15,340 --> 00:09:16,390
It's my head!
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00:09:16,740 --> 00:09:17,790
It's my head!
118
00:09:20,780 --> 00:09:25,900
Hey guys, ready for lunch?
119
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:29,880
Drew, before we go, there's something we
gotta talk about.
120
00:09:30,540 --> 00:09:32,400
How often did your mom see Phil?
121
00:09:32,401 --> 00:09:36,069
I don't know. Whenever she came up from
Florida, maybe five, six times a year.
122
00:09:36,070 --> 00:09:37,150
Six times a year?
123
00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:38,830
She's insatiable.
124
00:09:41,650 --> 00:09:44,990
What the hell are you talking about?
125
00:09:45,390 --> 00:09:48,210
I'll put this as delicately as I know
how, Andrew.
126
00:09:49,350 --> 00:09:51,770
We think the barber was slamming it to
your mom.
127
00:09:54,170 --> 00:09:59,109
What? We saw her at the funeral. She was
almost in tears. She and the widow shot
128
00:09:59,110 --> 00:10:01,210
each other daggers, and she kissed Phil.
129
00:10:01,580 --> 00:10:03,570
Not only that, she was the last to
leave.
130
00:10:03,940 --> 00:10:05,480
My mom and the barber?
131
00:10:06,060 --> 00:10:07,140
Well, there's no way.
132
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:12,320
All she ever did was drop us off and...
Okay.
133
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,080
You're all done, Steve.
134
00:10:15,260 --> 00:10:17,680
Why so quiet today, Drew?
135
00:10:18,060 --> 00:10:21,900
I had to go shopping with my mom at that
stupid one -for -latter store.
136
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,380
I was stuck there for two hours.
137
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:25,890
Never again.
138
00:10:27,300 --> 00:10:29,900
Hello, boys. I'm done shopping.
139
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,170
And we're all done here, Mrs. Carey.
140
00:10:33,010 --> 00:10:34,060
Look, Mom.
141
00:10:35,810 --> 00:10:36,860
Ta -da!
142
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:40,430
Are you making fun of the way I try on
clothes, Steve?
143
00:10:40,910 --> 00:10:43,690
No. I love the way you try on clothes.
144
00:10:45,450 --> 00:10:46,550
That's my boy.
145
00:10:48,250 --> 00:10:49,410
All right, boys.
146
00:10:52,330 --> 00:10:56,049
Your mom has to pay me, so why don't you
go over to the arcade and play Space
147
00:10:56,050 --> 00:10:58,640
Invaders? If you get hungry, get
yourself a burger.
148
00:11:20,451 --> 00:11:27,899
doesn't diminish over time like a man's
let me tell you something about your
149
00:11:27,900 --> 00:11:33,039
mom's hormones why
150
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:41,639
there
151
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:48,379
she is the one woman I thought would
never
152
00:11:48,380 --> 00:11:49,430
lie to me
153
00:11:58,041 --> 00:12:01,119
You think you know your own mother.
154
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,679
Drew, the woman married younger back
then. She probably didn't get to
155
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:08,359
life much before having a family, and
she just wanted to see what it was like
156
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,740
park another car in the garage.
157
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:14,870
You know, calling it a garage really
isn't helping anything.
158
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,810
Well, I can't tell you what to do, but
personally, I'd stay out of it.
159
00:12:19,340 --> 00:12:20,840
Well, I'm going to hit the sack.
160
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:41,539
the cookies for the anniversary party
tomorrow night. You know how much your
161
00:12:41,540 --> 00:12:45,740
father likes them. But then I've never
met a man who didn't like my cookies.
162
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,530
Great. I already lost garage and I
already lost cookies.
163
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:57,940
Oh, a Julie from work called to remind
you of a breakfast meeting tomorrow.
164
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,220
She sounded very sweet.
165
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:03,020
She's in accounting. We're just friends.
166
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:07,359
Julie, listen to your mother. I think I
know a little A little bit more about
167
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,280
relationships than you do.
168
00:13:10,740 --> 00:13:14,020
Lord knows I'm not perfect.
169
00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:20,040
But then being married for 45 years is
nothing to sneeze at.
170
00:13:21,860 --> 00:13:24,280
But you did, Mom. You sneezed all over
it.
171
00:13:25,020 --> 00:13:29,679
What? I know what you've been doing at
your lunches. The gang saw you kissing
172
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:33,170
Phil at the funeral, and I remembered a
few things from when I was a kid.
173
00:13:36,620 --> 00:13:38,000
How could you do this to Dad?
174
00:13:38,001 --> 00:13:42,059
Does he know about this? All this time,
he's out waiting in the car listening to
175
00:13:42,060 --> 00:13:45,310
Paul Harvey while you're inside
finishing the rest of the story.
176
00:14:28,130 --> 00:14:31,949
Well, my lord, according to my chart
here, everyone's given blood at least
177
00:14:31,950 --> 00:14:33,250
twice, except for you.
178
00:14:33,530 --> 00:14:35,010
What are you, a girly man?
179
00:14:35,870 --> 00:14:39,120
You've seen me run, you've seen me throw
a ball. What do you think?
180
00:14:39,121 --> 00:14:43,409
There's nothing to be afraid of. We just
take a little needle and we find a
181
00:14:43,410 --> 00:14:44,460
vein.
182
00:14:44,810 --> 00:14:45,860
Okay,
183
00:14:46,670 --> 00:14:49,440
he's out. Drag him in there, poke him,
and I'll drain him.
184
00:14:51,670 --> 00:14:53,850
What is things you've said on a date?
185
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:01,360
We just came by for our free flu shots.
186
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,190
We didn't know we had to give a pint of
blood first.
187
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,890
Well, how do you think they were going
to make room for the vaccine?
188
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:09,610
Oh.
189
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:11,770
Oh,
190
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:15,420
by the way, the two of you might feel a
little lightheaded.
191
00:15:15,980 --> 00:15:17,720
Oh, you would never notice.
192
00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:23,450
Just about time for the graduation
party, Drew. I guess we better get
193
00:15:23,451 --> 00:15:24,439
huh?
194
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,000
Oh, I'm feeling a little dizzy.
195
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:35,650
Oh, you guys go ahead. I'm mad at my
mom. I'm not going to go.
196
00:15:35,980 --> 00:15:38,510
You listen to me, Drew Carey. You're
being selfish.
197
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,410
Catch me, Oswald. I'm going to faint.
I'll get you, buddy.
198
00:15:42,420 --> 00:15:43,470
Hey, Mr. Cuban.
199
00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:49,000
Oswald, point my hand at him.
200
00:15:50,020 --> 00:15:51,070
Be a man.
201
00:15:52,580 --> 00:15:55,890
If you don't go, you're going to
disappoint a lot of people, okay?
202
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,740
Now roll me away dramatically.
203
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,480
Watch my hand. Watch my hand.
204
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:22,280
Your children.
205
00:16:26,970 --> 00:16:28,770
What the hell's the matter with you?
206
00:16:29,250 --> 00:16:30,590
Get back in there. No.
207
00:16:30,591 --> 00:16:34,589
Drew, I think we proved throughout our
childhood I can make you do or eat
208
00:16:34,590 --> 00:16:35,640
anything.
209
00:16:36,890 --> 00:16:38,510
Yeah, I wanted that caterpillar.
210
00:16:38,511 --> 00:16:42,949
This is no way to act at a party. You
know, I don't want to come to a stupid
211
00:16:42,950 --> 00:16:46,069
party in the first place. Well, I didn't
want to wear a slip, but I did it for
212
00:16:46,070 --> 00:16:47,120
Mom and Dad.
213
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:52,300
Won't you just come in here?
214
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,180
Mom had an affair with a barber.
215
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,690
Hey, get in here. Uncle Mike's getting a
little touchy -touchy.
216
00:16:59,740 --> 00:17:00,790
Mimi, please.
217
00:17:01,380 --> 00:17:02,430
Guy talk.
218
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:03,820
Oh, sorry, Princess.
219
00:17:08,619 --> 00:17:09,839
You got it wrong, Drew.
220
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,500
Mom didn't have an affair with Phil.
221
00:17:13,140 --> 00:17:15,190
Look, I didn't want to believe it
either.
222
00:17:15,339 --> 00:17:16,599
Would you just stop it?
223
00:17:17,220 --> 00:17:18,270
It was Dad.
224
00:17:20,940 --> 00:17:21,990
Phil's wife.
225
00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:24,060
What? That's just crazy.
226
00:17:24,061 --> 00:17:27,279
How do you explain all the time they
spent together? And what about all the
227
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,919
times they went in the back room when
Mom dropped us off for haircut? They
228
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:31,000
consoling each other.
229
00:17:31,660 --> 00:17:33,890
They got through it and they became
friends.
230
00:17:34,540 --> 00:17:36,890
Well, how come you know about this and I
don't?
231
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,740
I found out when I was a kid.
232
00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:43,420
I was trying on dresses in Mom's closet
when I heard them arguing about it.
233
00:17:43,421 --> 00:17:47,459
To this day, I can't wear an A -line
skirt without getting a panic attack.
234
00:17:47,460 --> 00:17:48,510
laughter
235
00:17:55,939 --> 00:17:57,740
Yeah. He admitted the whole thing.
236
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:01,590
They even began talking about divorce
and argued over who got you.
237
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:05,620
They both wanted me?
238
00:18:06,980 --> 00:18:08,030
Yeah.
239
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:11,800
That bastard.
240
00:18:12,660 --> 00:18:14,830
Doesn't he realize that our mom is a
saint?
241
00:18:14,831 --> 00:18:17,639
You know, leaving her alone to raise us
all by herself while he's out top
242
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,470
canting around, we could have turned out
all screwed up.
243
00:18:25,550 --> 00:18:27,950
Forget about it, Drew. It happened 30
years ago.
244
00:18:28,790 --> 00:18:32,390
What the hell are you doing out here?
We're having a party.
245
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:36,790
If you give a damn about your mother's
feelings, you get your keisters in
246
00:18:37,430 --> 00:18:38,480
Now.
247
00:18:43,250 --> 00:18:44,300
Did you hear that?
248
00:18:44,910 --> 00:18:47,200
Warren Beatty wants us back inside the
house.
249
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:21,960
I have this next dance with Mom.
250
00:19:23,820 --> 00:19:24,870
Okay.
251
00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:28,220
If you think what you kids do can be
called dancing.
252
00:19:29,860 --> 00:19:32,740
But the rest of your dance card is full.
253
00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:39,750
I'm sorry, Mom.
254
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:41,730
What for?
255
00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:44,420
I know everything.
256
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:47,110
Why don't you just tell me the truth
yesterday?
257
00:20:03,861 --> 00:20:08,769
Why do you think he invited Phil's wife
to the party?
258
00:20:08,770 --> 00:20:09,819
Made you look.
259
00:20:09,820 --> 00:20:14,370
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