Original subtitles

Rise and shine, creepy head.

Good morning.

Did you turn that desk around on purpose or was it trying to buck you?

Yesterday, he snuck up behind me with that rubber cement booger.

Well, that was the last straw. So from now on, I am watching every move you

make.

Enjoy.

I just discovered the flaw in my plan.

Well, you're going to crack first, because after four years of staring at

ass, I am in peak condition.

guess. The first one who blinks gets a reprieve from the hideous thing they're

looking at.

What do you want?

Now, Mimi, have you got the Johnson evaluation?

And, Drew, if you could sign it in the appropriate places.

that you two are getting paid while you do this. If anyone needs me, I'll be in

my office having a nap.

What are you smiling at?

Nothing. Are you imagining me even more beautiful?

Because after four years, you finally fell for that I -can -turn -my -desk

-around trick.

And now, I can see your face when I...

Want a little piece of sausage, huh, buddy? A little saucy sausage?

Come on.

What's wrong with you? You usually eat anything.

Sometimes twice.

Go get it, boy. That's it. Get the sausage.

What's going on, Joe?

I don't know.

I think something's wrong with Speedy's eyes. They just threw a piece of sausage

at one right by him.

Ah, the carry -eye test.

Last night he was getting busy on the corner of the couch. My perfectly good

was sitting there just doing nothing.

I think I better make an appointment to take him to the V .E .T.

You know I hate it when you do that around me.

You guys coming or not? We're going to be late for work.

Why don't you get that old suit, man? You've been wearing that since high

school. It's not that old.

Oh, by the way, I found this in my pocket on the way over.

It's the note Jeannie Williams wanted me to give you at high school grad.

Oh, that's going to change my life. She might have wanted to go out with me.

Maybe in the next millennium, loser.

Hey!

What do you think, huh? I look like one of the ten finalists for Drug Co.'s new

janitorial manager?

Our boy's up for a death job.

That's right. If I get that promotion, no more unclogging toilet.

Well, maybe once in a while. Keep my hand in. Sure, sure.

Hey, Drew, aren't you happy for him?

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, man. Yeah, good luck. I just, uh, I'm worried about

Speedy's eyes. I think they might be going on him.

I better walk before I get to work. Hey, go get your leash, boy.

Leash.

Still knows how to find what's important, huh?

Yeah, maybe his eyes aren't as bad as I thought.

fought on your cheek.

The box!

Oh, it's just some checks I ordered.

Kate and Oswald Harvey from Dublin?

Oh, this must be from my uncle in Ireland.

I forgot to tell him we called the wedding off. Yeah, you forgot to tell a

of people. I only found out when I was standing at the altar looking at my

watch.

You were planning on keeping this for yourself, weren't you? Why shouldn't I?

You dump me, you get your freedom, I get a tanning bed.

bed.

You can't keep this. It's going back now.

Fine. But I know what you're doing.

You're trying to make me feel better about not being stuck for life with a

horrible shrew like you. Thanks, Kate.

Get off me!

Well, and I would have heard a lot of that, too, huh?

Hey,

a pig leading a dog.

It's like some crappy Soviet circus.

Drew, I don't think you can bring speed here.

I don't want to leave him alone at home. The vet says he's almost blind.

Oh, poor little guy.

I knew you could go blind from doing it, but I didn't know you could go blind

from watching your master do it.

Right. If that were true, my bird would be flying into walls.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Well, congratulate me. My big interview is tomorrow, and drug co's

it down to just me and one other guy for the promotion.

So what do you think your chances are?

Well, I overheard some people talking. Apparently the other guy's a tall weirdo

who nobody really trusts.

Oh, right.

And I got some good news for Speedy.

Drugco's testing this new drug to reverse canine cataracts, and I can get

in on the clinical trials.

Oh, that'd be great, because the vet said there was nothing he could do.

So is it pills or drops or what? I don't know, but they got to keep him in for a

week.

Oh.

Well, it's only for a week. That won't be too bad, baby. I'll take care of you.

You won't get too lonely.

That's a brave dog.

Now, Lewis, if you do become janitorial manager, we here at Drug Co. have to

make sure that you have your priorities straight.

Now, please, Lewis, list for me the following in order of importance. God,

health, and family.

Company loyalty.

Very good, Lewis.

Now, you seem a little tense.

Just relax.

Question!

You find out that one of our scientists is working grueling and long

hours in the laboratory, and suddenly he begins to order great amounts of

amphetamines. What do you do?

What scientist?

Excellent, Lewis!

What if he's ordering plutonium?

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

Impressive, Louis. Very impressive.

How'd I do? Oh, wonderfully!

See, plus it seems that you're resistant to several kinds of bacteria.

Oh, when you clean toilets for ten years, it's like one big vaccine for

everything.

Not to mention you seem friendly, well -spoken, and morally ambiguous.

That kind of bothers me.

But not a whole lot.

Congratulations. You've got the job.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Well, why not? You're the best one for the job, aren't you? You're well

-behaved, you are a hard worker, and your organs are compatible with mine.

If you've got your eyes on my liver, I wouldn't dilly -dally.

One more thing, sir. I have a friend who brought his dog, Speedy, in for

cataract trials. He's been here a couple days. I was just wondering if... Only

dead men ask questions like that, Lois.

I would keep my nose out of it.

Sure.

But will the dog be able to come? They never want the dog!

Oh, all right.

Listen, I parked in the structure. Do you validate? Not for dead men, we

Just kidding.

I'll give you a full hour, and that way you can check out the paintings in the

lobby. Thank you. Oh.

They never want a dog.

You know what the real tragedy with getting drunk all the time is?

When you're really going to get sloshed to cost a fortune.

Wow, if you had your shirt off and you were cleaning a gun, you'd look just

my dad.

I need a drink to calm my nerves. Nothing seems to be working.

How many have you had? Get off my back, Prohibition Patty!

Sorry, Kate. I'm just worried about Speedy. I think something happened to

Drug Co.

Oh, my God. Have you told Drew?

No, I'm trying to avoid him.

Good hiding place.

Look, I'm going to make up some sort of cover story, okay? Just play along. Hey,

Katie, what's going on?

You really have no idea, do you?

Is something wrong?

Oh, nice poker face, Kate.

It's Speedy, Drew. There's something wrong at Drug Co.

Why? What's wrong with Speedy? No, they won't tell me. They won't even tell me

where he is.

If anything happened to my dog, you know, I knew I shouldn't have trusted

place. Every time he called their consumer hotline to get that creepy

Welcome to Drug Co.

Everything's all right.

I got my promotion. I've got top -level clearance. Don't worry. We'll go in

there and get him dead or alive.

I mean, come tomorrow, he'll be fertilizing your lawn one way or

I don't know, Drew. Breaking and entering? This could be our first non

-related arrest.

Okay, it's go time.

Where's the guy?

He's right behind me. I had to make up some big passes.

You have a tan.

You didn't send the bed back.

Oh, you just caught me. Boy, is my face red.

Did you guys drop this? We have to concentrate on Speedy. Don't talk to me.

to Whitey McSelfish over here.

I got the passes.

Oh, nice.

Just tell me you two use the tanning bed separately.

Hey, if it's a crime to save time, then lock us both up and throw away the key.

Speaking of keys, can we please get inside?

Keys? What is this, the Middle Ages? We have retinal scanners.

And voila.

This is huge.

How are we ever going to find speed?

Now, let me see. I was doing some high -level business when I saw them take

him... That way.

Okay, I'm pretty sure that this is the door to the animal testing area.

Hey, someone's in here!

Occupy, though!

Filthy humans!

They must have moved him.

Oh, yeah, I gotta warn you. Some of the things around this place can be kind of

weird.

Wow, look at all these doors.

I say we just go for it.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, my

God, what was that?

You remember that fat girl from Facts of Life?

Come on, let's get out of here.

No, wait.

The better or worse room.

That sounds familiar.

Ready?

Better or worse?

Worse.

in the sensory testing area. We're in the general vicinity.

What's that noise?

What noise?

That noise.

It must be holograms. No, I think they're Dobermans.

I think, uh, we got a lot of ground to cover before morning, so maybe it'd be

better if we split up. Okay, Kate.

Okay,

but first let's figure out what we're going to tell the police in case we get

caught. If we get caught, the police will never hear about it. Great, problem

solved. Let's go.

Hey, you know, it just occurred to me while you kept that tanning bed.

You have a lot of residual anger towards Kate, and the tanning bed is the

objectification of that anger.

Wow, where'd that come from?

I don't know. It just came to me. No, that silver thing. It's really cool.

I found it in the air. It's called an epiphany ball.

Oh, my God. You were right about me and Kate, but it goes deeper than that.

My anger has nothing to do with her. It stems from a fearful bannerman, which

goes back to my father leaving me as a child.

Here I've been banging my head against the wall to get ahead in life, and the

answer is so simple.

I want to get ahead, too. Give me.

Sorry.

Now, what was I going to say?

Something about stopping, drinking.

Oh, yeah, we should stop and get a drink in the way. You still want to move up

the ladder in this freak house?

You bet I do.

I want to have a family someday, Kate.

I want to have kids.

Lots and lots of kids.

I come here a lot to think about that.

I call it my thinking spot.

Bruce,

is your crotch getting hot?

Look, Kate, you're a dynamite girl. Will you get away from there?

Did you hear that?

Beanie!

He must be at the other end of this fence. I gotta go through.

Be careful.

I gotta do this, Kate.

You're just a poor, dumb, helpless animal.

I just ran out of breath. I'm still falling.

I

don't

know, Drew. I'm getting scared. Maybe we should call the police.

No, we're not leaving this building until we find Speedy.

Speedy? Here, Speedy.

Hey, I think I hear something. What?

Speedy?

What is it?

Well, according to this, it's a monkopotamus.

Drew, I'm gonna ride him.

Happy trails, dumbass.

Can't you believe what we just saw? It had the body of a hippo and the head of

monkey.

Oh, yeah, the monkopotamus, room 220.

He let you ride him?

No, but I have a tan.

Where's Lewis?

He's down there, but I'm getting kind of worried because he hasn't been

answering me.

Oh, hey, guys.

I'm okay. I blacked out and woke up in some weird lab, but I'm fine now.

Oh, hey, guys. I'm okay.

I blacked out and woke up... Oh, crap.

And they're a bitch to clean up when they explode.

Okay, where the heck is Speedy? He's got to be around here somewhere.

No, no, Drew, not that door. That's my boss's office.

Oh, good. Maybe there's some clues in here.

We'll go to the park!

Speedy?

Mr. Hathaway.

Lewis, abusing your security clearance on the first day?

You've just lost your promotion.

Oh, yeah?

He doesn't need this job. He's got a million -dollar lawsuit against this

for making him sterile. What?

I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

Hey, his cataracts are gone. He can see again.

Of course he can see.

We gave him a pill, and he could see five minutes after he got here.

Well, then he's fine, then. I guess we'll be leaving now. No, no, you can't

the dog. Why not? Because I love that dog. That dog doesn't judge me.

He trusts me, and he doesn't ask for anything.

So what you're saying is what makes this dog so special is that he's like every

other dog on Earth? Get your own. No, I want this one.

Look, I'll tell you what.

I'll give Lewis's promotion back if you let me keep Parthenon.

His name's Speedy. There's no way. Come on, Speedy.

Parthenon. I'll call security.

That dog will never leave the building.

Damn.

Hey, you know what that silver thing is right there?

Well, no, but R &D just sent it up, and I haven't read the literature yet.

Well, pick it up. I'm sure you'll find it very enlightening.

If I don't give you the dog back, you're going to beat the living crap out of

me.

Yes.

I'll miss you, Parthenon.

Goodbye.

Oh, yeah, by the way.

Combining the throwing strength of a monkey with the intestinal tract of a

hippopotamus, not such a good idea.

I'll be your buddy, Mr. Hathaway.

Why?

Well, if you give me my promotion back, I'll be your buddy. You just can't. I'll

play frisbee with you. In the park?

You bet.

Congratulations, Mr.

Janitorial Manager. I'll meet you in the park. Thank you, sir.

You know what? I just realized something. What?

Pets really do look like their owners.