Original subtitles

Hey. Hi.

Nice outfit.

Turn around for a second.

Dating somebody with a Nancy Reagan fantasy?

Mrs. Louder said if I'm going to be her personal assistant, I have to look nice

because she gave me some shopping money. Want to see what I got?

These pants, skirt, new purse.

That's a TV.

No, on the receipt it's a purse.

Well, hey, in that case, can you pick me up some new shoes because mine isn't

cable ready.

Thanks. Now, how's it going with Tracy?

Are the three of you still dating her? Yeah, but I got something here that's

going to give me the edge over Louis and Oswald.

Two tickets to see Mr.

Tony Bennett. Oh, Drew, I hate to tell you this, but Louis got tickets to the

same thing.

I just told him he didn't say anything about it. Why would he? You guys are in

competition for the same woman. Only an idiot would tip his hand.

Guess who got two tickets to Tony Bennett.

Let me see those.

Third row center.

Well, that's not bad, but it's not, uh, obstructed view.

You got tickets, too?

Not just tickets.

Obstructed view tickets.

Are you going to take Tracy?

Yep. Sorry, sucker.

Oh, wait a minute. You gave me your my tickets back.

Thank you.

What's that?

Vodka 911?

Ah, it smells louder than her stupid code.

Enix XXL?

Is that your boyfriend bragging?

I wish I had one of those.

A beeper? No.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

Where were we?

Oh, I was going to tell you my good news.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

Oh, that's funny. I seem to have left my heart somewhere.

Where could it be?

I know.

I left my heart... San Francisco!

Hey, you want to go to see Tony Bennett with me? I was going to ask you that. I

got really great seats. I got tickets right in the front row. Come on!

Obstructive view.

Johnny, this is so sweet.

Oh, but I have plans this night.

What? You have plans for a Saturday night three weeks from now? Yeah, what

you doing?

Oh, well, there's just something I have to do.

You're not dating three other guys, are you?

seeing anybody else. Come on, how many guys can I date and not put out for?

There's a limit.

So what's going on?

I've gone to my sister's wedding in Chicago that weekend.

Oh, let's just say so.

Because I didn't know who to ask.

No, no.

If you don't understand, going to that wedding, meeting my whole family and

everything, that would mean we're in a relationship.

Oh, that's a really big step, and a step you're not rolling to make. Right.

Well, don't worry about me. I'm not going to pressure you. Oh, good.

I'm so glad. I was so worried this was going to turn into some kind of stupid

contest.

And that says it all, folks. One wedding, three

finalists. But only one of them is going to the big I do.

Ladies and gentlemen, sports fans, welcome to Crazy Bowl 1.

All this

energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

Such a crude attitude.

It's back where it...

Welcome back to Tracy Bowl 1. Before the game begins, let's take this

opportunity to get up close and personal with our competitors.

They call him the Night Raider.

Well, there's one thing you can never take away from Drew. He is sexually non

-threatening. That's for sure.

But that's not the case with Louis Koniski. Oh, no.

With only one serious relationship under his belt, Louis Koniski, formerly known

as the Virgin, but since August 29, 1984, known as I Got Me Some,

has been known to scare off women.

with his spooky stare.

Now, not content with being a bachelor at age 37, he's also a nighttime

Additionally, that's all it says about him.

All right, moving on then. Our last competitor is Oswald Harvey.

And when it comes to odds, this young man does not know the meaning of the

insurmountable. And here's a partial list of some other words that he has no

clue about.

Let's just get back to the game.

Wow, great.

This place is wonderful.

Yeah, it's where Drew takes all the women he really likes.

You haven't been here?

And Koniski comes out fighting.

Of course, Oswald can't afford

this place, but what are you going to do?

Meow.

Drew, what are you doing here?

I'm just enjoying some dinner rolls in my complimentary water.

I'm here to screw Lewis.

I snuck in the kitchen and put a strawberry in his entree. You know how

he gets.

Oh, my God, I put fish oil in his wine.

He's allergic to that, too.

Well, he really doesn't like wine. Maybe he won't drink that much.

I don't know, Tracy. I drank two -thirds of that bottle of wine. I still don't

taste anything fishy.

What would you like to do after dinner?

Oh.

Lewis,

are you okay?

Some say I'm more than okay.

Is your head getting bigger?

Oh, can you blame me?

Dating a beautiful woman like you?

More like.

It's getting bigger.

Yeah, maybe we should call 911 or something. I don't know. I think that'd

embarrass him.

And look at him. He seems fine.

Candlelight, wine, you.

Doesn't get any better than this.

Look around.

Everyone's staring at me.

Why?

Because I'm the luckiest man in the room.

Come here.

Damn it. Why do they always scream?

Lewis, there's something wrong with your head.

Huh?

Look. It does look kind of goofy in this spoon.

Whoa.

It's never been this big before.

Yeah. You know, maybe I should get some help.

Oh, no, don't worry. It's happened before. Feel it. It's all squishy.

I... Oh, Tracy, don't... What are you looking at? My face is still small in

ass.

Good for Lewis. I'd have to say he's all but eliminated.

This is certainly going to heighten the debate about the use of headgear in

dating.

Joe, we did it!

I don't know, man. I feel bad.

We're being a couple of jerks.

You know, he hasn't had much luck with women. He finally meets somebody he

have a chance with, and we screw it up for him. You know, we should let him

You're saying we should just quit?

No, then Lewis will win by default.

I say that we do something so bad.

She'll have to dump us.

You're a good friend, Joe.

All right, what do we do?

I don't know.

How do you turn off a woman who doesn't mind dating the three of us?

I'm glad to see your face is all back to normal.

Yeah, well, now I got all the texture skin back here.

Gum?

I'm really sorry I ran out on you the other night at dinner. I hope I could

a rain check.

How about tonight?

Oh, I'd love to, but I have a date with Oswald tonight.

Oh. Oh, there he is.

Hi.

Hey, guess who got the best spot in the lot?

He's taking a dive.

He's throwing the game.

Say it ain't so Oswald.

Oswald, did you park in a handicapped spot?

Actually, I parked in two of them. I don't want any handicapped people

scratching up my car with their... Why don't you look at me like I'm the

jerk in the world?

Aren't you?

Well, before you decide, wait till you see the awful thing that Drew did.

Don't worry, Tommy.

We'll find the guy who took your parking space.

Drew, what's going on?

I just got back from volunteering at the soup kitchen, you know.

You tricked me. He tricked me. He tricked you into making fun of the

handicapped. Doesn't make a lot of sense. But, Tracy.

Forget it. I never want to see you again.

All right. I helped you. Now you're going to help me. See that blonde over

there? Yeah.

I'm going to be sitting with her. In about two minutes, you break into the

conversation that I'm a fully functioning war hero.

Well, it didn't work for me, but good luck.

Jerk, I can't believe he did that. Hey, this Yankees fan's going to try to hit

me just as I'm wearing an Indians jacket.

That's the half, and now it's a two -man race.

We'll be right back.

And welcome back.

It's now a two -man race between Drew and Lewis. As we recap the action to

point, Lewis was able to overcome this near disaster.

I haven't seen a head that large since Costas here held up NBC in his last

negotiation.

You know what's actually the only thing bigger than that head?

My dressing room.

Hey, guys, check it out. That's one of those crazy fans that paints their

Play the Rush O 'Brien in the final leg of the Drinking Horn filing contest?

Not now, Mimi. I've got a ton of work to do.

Stop looking so busy, because you're going to ruin it for the rest of us.

Hey, you're someone's assistant, too. How do you get all this stuff done?

I don't. And for 40 bucks, I'll sell you a list of excuses.

I can make up my own excuses.

Oh, yeah? Why were you late this morning?

My alarm didn't go off.

Well, what time was it set for?

What brand of alarm clock do you have? What does it sound like? Is it music or

is it... I don't know!

Don't lie.

Well, want to see how it works?

Um, Mr. Wick?

Yes? You know that big report that you needed today? Well, it's not going to be

done. What? Why not?

Oh, well, your hard drive mixed the MPEG files with the ASCII 2 files, and that

made it unable for your IRQ port to transfigure... I told you, just say

boo -boo.

Now, did you get my dry cleaning?

Oh, yeah. I went there yesterday to pick it up. They were so inspired by your

wardrobe that they decided to display it in the waiting room.

Really?

Well, it has been a few months since they displayed my summer clothes.

I forgot about that one.

Oh, very funny, Drew. Get those chicken bones off my face.

playful mood.

Yes, and I hope you are, too.

Oh, Brian, do you like jigsaw puzzles?

Well, you never listened to anything I say anyway, so googly glock.

Good!

I accidentally shredded some documents.

I need you to piece them back together.

That's gonna take forever.

And besides, I can't, because I just wasted $40 on a list of fake excuses.

crap. Thanks for coming to me, Mimi.

America's Suckers shop.

Hey, here you go.

Hey, did Mr. Wick tell you why he wanted me to pick up his dry cleaning?

Oh, I don't know. This guy's been nuts lately.

True. Lewis and I have joined forces and together we will thwart you.

You've been reading comic books? Silence!

You guys think you can actually outsmart me?

Smart has nothing to do with it. Picture?

Oh. Summer, 1997.

The rock quarry. Drew Carey, skinny dipping.

An action shot just before the belly flop.

You can't show that to Tracy.

It violates my rules.

What rule?

Women aren't allowed to see me naked until after they fall in love with me.

very important.

Sorry, Drew. You're going down like that canoe full of Cub Scouts when you're a

wake hit.

Hey, loser's poker.

Anybody beat a pair of jackasses?

Read this and weep. Oh, jeez.

Quick, somebody tag her before the dart wears off.

Cake, maybe you can help me.

I'm looking for a way to destroy Lewis in front of Tracy.

Destroy Lewis?

Yeah, now I have a plan, but I need a dead monkey, some empty liquor bottles,

and a vacuum cleaner.

the other guy looked bad. You already tried that and brought her closer to

Lewis. Yeah, you're right.

What I need to do is to pull a prank on myself that'll make Lewis look so bad,

she'll have to fall in love with me.

So Carrie's going full out with one week left before the wedding and four

minutes left in the show.

I think he's gonna win this thing. I think it's anybody's game. I mean, four

minutes is an eternity in a sitcom.

You see, now, right there, That was three seconds, and it seemed like

Hey, look, it's a pig and his poke.

Uh, yeah.

We'll have two cheeseburgers, two large fries.

Hey,

look at that.

Oh, look, an old -fashioned fortune teller. machines. Yeah, let's give it a

What do you think the future is going to hold for Drew Carey?

You don't want to know, fatty.

That was kind of rude.

Let me try it again.

Your future is promising.

Promising to lose weight.

Promising to stop drinking.

This is crazy.

Somebody must have rigged this thing.

Who would have done something like that?

Louis? Although he did threaten to do this exact thing.

Oh, let's get away from the stupid machine.

What is round has four eyes and is blocking my view of the bar.

Drew!

I know it's just a machine, but it's like my new best friend.

All right, that's enough.

Can't you see you're embarrassing him?

Look, he's about to cry.

I know, it's just smoky in here.

Hey, guys.

Louis, how could you do this, rigging the porch and tell her to humiliate

I'm sure you didn't mean for it to cut so deep.

Tracy, if I was going to stoop this low, I would have shown you my naked picture

of Drew. Oh, I don't even want to look at that.

Oh,

no, no offense.

What kind of monster does his best friend?

But I didn't even... Oh, forget it, Louis. It's over. I don't want to see

anymore.

Oh, I see where this is heading.

I'll just bow out gracefully.

Congratulations, Drew.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

Mr. Drew Carey.

Yeah, but you hate to see him win like that. I mean, it really tarnishes the

whole idea of competing for a woman like a prize.

Hey, what's the matter with you? I don't even know who Drew is anymore.

I can't believe I was starting to fall for that guy.

You were?

Yeah, there's just something about him. You know, he's sweet, he's funny.

It wasn't for those stupid stunt people.

Oh, man.

Hang on, ladies and gentlemen, it's not over yet. I think some fans are going to

be regretting that they left early.

Look, uh, Lewis didn't rig up that fortune -telling machine I did.

What? Yeah, I did it to make Lewis look bad so you'd fall for me.

Oh, my God, you're horrible.

So anyway, I thought you should know that before you go to the wedding.

We're not going to a wedding. I was wrong about all three of you. I'm not

anyone. No, no, you weren't wrong about Lewis.

He is the sweet one. He's the only one of us who took the high road.

Oh, thank you.

I'm going to go talk to him.

Don't look back, baby.

And it's Lewis.

Do you believe in miracles?

Get a hold of yourself.

Oh, Michael's already said that.

Yeah, well, here's something Michael's never said.

And so, just as the swallows return to Capistrano, so too does Drew Carey

inexorably return to a life of singlehood. You know, they say that

sweet science, but love can be the sweetest game of all. And yet as painful

hip check by Stan Mikita.

Hey, lock up when you're done.

Yes, love can be beautiful.

Oh, yeah, it's still very beautiful. As beautiful as a broken field run by Gale

Sayers.

Here's the man of the hour. How are you feeling, champ? Feeling great, Bob. A

little shaky there at first.

Oh, wow. They were a little tough on you in that first scene in the restaurant.

Oh, you mean page 15?

Yeah. No, once they squeeze us to the side of the screen like this and the

credits roll by, we're the best of friends.

Well, while we have time, let's quickly go over to Lynn Swan, who's in the

locker room with the losers.

Yeah, I thought Lynn Swan was supposed to come talk to us.

Let's give him ten more minutes.