Original subtitles

Drew, did you order a masseuse?

It was New Year's Eve. I was drunk.

Oh. Hi, Kate. What's the matter?

It's my new business.

I'm giving workplace massage.

A new business? I thought you really had something with that soup on a stick.

Me too. But the guy at the bank suggested I go to loan on a stick.

Come on. If you do it, everyone else will too.

I don't know. You know anything about massage?

No. Now sit down.

Be a trendsetter.

Well... I was the guy that made two suits for $99, cool.

Hey, Drew, did you get a haircut or something?

Yeah, lean closer, Mimi. I'll tell you my secret.

I'm giving him a massage.

And if you're nice, maybe I'll give you some of Kate's magic touch, too.

Save your oil, O 'Brien. I don't swing that way.

Okay, before we start, I need you to sign this.

I hereby waive all rights to sue for paralysis, numbness, loss of sexual

function, and orc organs.

Uh, hey, you know what?

Even though my organs are purely ornamental, I'd still like to hang on to

But, uh, I will help you out with your business.

Woo! Man!

feels great. Loosey -goosey, that was the best massage I ever had.

And if I can make you feel good, imagine how great it'll be for someone whose

muscles are closer to the surface.

Morning, Mimi.

Do you know what today is? Today is the third month anniversary of my sobriety.

Congratulations, sir. Thank you.

I'm throwing myself a little party. I'd like you to order some near beer, some

sparkly water, some cranberry juice, some plain punch, oh, and a buggy load

Amish people, because they're the only ones that would consider that a party.

Hey, Wick, my toilet's backed up.

Not much with icebreakers, are you, Larry?

You know what I'm talking about. Winfrey Louder owns all the houses in my

neighborhood. And I happen to know Mrs. Louder made you landlord.

But I don't want to be. Besides, all these stupid little maintenance

should be delegated to some sort of assistant.

Any volunteers?

God bless you, Mimi. Thank you very much. You've got the job.

All the days to have to hide a hickey.

As long as you're stuck there, you know, some people tell me that my stomach is

too hairy. What do you think?

I thought you had a date tonight.

I did. And it turns out we had a lot in common. For instance, an uncle.

Oh.

Good thing you got out of there. You don't want to wind up like my

Hey.

What you doing?

We're kind of hoping you'll sit at another table.

I'll have you know, while you're sitting here throwing back beers, I'll be

hobnobbing with the intergalactic elite at the airport Ramada.

five convention i'm entering the costume competition i'm ambassador jakar here

read the introduction i wrote all hail ambassador jakar he's arrogant

proud proud to be arrogant and with the flip of the

collar his outfit goes from babylon five to babylon after five so i

think i got a shot no but don't worry about it in a contest like that even the

winners are losers

Good luck, buddy. Break a leg.

It would heal immediately.

Wow, I thought I fell into a car.

I don't know. I was the only one in the supermarket.

I may say so. That's quite an impressive skull ridge you have there.

Can I feel it?

You're a ridge man, huh?

Ah, pretty Ben and Zach window.

That doesn't drop a who -trans -who -ishi -who -who dance.

I thought I was the only one that spoke Mimbari. Yeah, I've been studying. I'm

hoping to do a little traveling next year.

Well, it looks like I'm up. Oh, uh, look, I, uh, I know we're from different

worlds and our genitalia probably don't even fit together, but, uh...

Want to get some coffee later?

Ice cream would be better.

Ice cream it is, Ambassador Dillon.

We'll have coffee next Friday night after dinner.

Okay.

I can't believe I'm dating a guy from Narn.

He's still my beating heart.

I have a package for Ambassador Delenn.

Oh, where's it from?

I don't know. The return of Jess just has some gibberish and then it says

Mimbari Galaxy.

Sounds like some weirdo, but I know it's not a bomb or it would have gone off

one of the times I dropped it.

Well, there's only one person I know that speaks Mimbari.

Let's see.

Ah, ice cream maker.

I know exactly who it's from. Oh, cool. It's just on here.

Oh, are you okay?

Yeah, I got a splinter on my hand this morning. I can't get it off.

Oh, you poor... thing. Let me have a look. No, it'll hurt.

You're scared? How cute. It's okay. I work in a veterinarian's office.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

This will only take a second.

I can't look. Do it quickly, please.

Oh, let me compose myself. No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Pretty much runs the place, huh?

Hi, I'm Oswald. I'm Tracy.

Would you like some alcohol for that? Sure, a beer would be nice.

Hey, you know, I don't usually do this with customers, but would you like to go

out Friday night?

Oh, sorry, I have plans.

How about Saturday?

Great, sign here.

No, I meant it. I'll go out with you.

That's for the package. Oh, oh, sorry.

But that's a good idea.

Hello.

Yeah, Mr. Wick may be the new landlord. What's your problem?

Your house smells like gas?

Oh, boo -hoo, like some incense.

No, I just have to phrase this a certain way to protect myself, but bribe me or

I ain't fixing Jack.

Gotta go. Call you later. Pig in the city.

What's this pile of crap?

And who's sending a present?

Well, they're not bribes, if that's what you're thinking.

Roaches.

How's two o 'clock? Perfect. See ya.

Uh, hey, Mr. Rick, you know Mimi's taking bribes?

Is this true?

Every single word of it.

I admire your honesty.

Back to work, Carrie. No one likes a tattletale.

Excuse me. Yeah,

I'm trying to return this gift, and the people in house first won't help me. I

want to speak to someone in charge.

Oh, well, no one has more experience with unsatisfied women than me. Have a

seat.

sent me this ice cream maker, but it doesn't work. And I'm Tracy, by the way.

Oh, I'm Drew. What's wrong with it?

I don't know, but I think the global parcel guy dropped it.

Uh -oh.

What's he look like?

Well, he was handsome, and he had a real good sense of humor.

Oh. Now, my friend's a goofy -looking doofus.

Listen, uh, let me make a phone call. I think I can get this whole thing

straightened out for you. Ah, thank God.

Finally, someone in a position of power.

Finally, someone who's easily impressed.

Yeah, Drew Carey here. I have a young lady here who says you've been giving

a hard time. Hey!

I don't care if you're having lunch.

You get off your fat ass, you give her the best ice cream maker we got.

You understand? Pronto!

Wow, thanks.

I just get really passionate when I see an injustice.

And a real injustice is if you were home alone on a Saturday night. You want to

go out with me?

Oh, sorry, I have plans.

I mean, Sunday?

Uh...

Okay. Sunday's great.

Yeah.

You don't mind watching Babylon 5 rerun? Oh, Babylon 5. You know, I have a

friend who's a Babylon 5 nut. Oh, really? I'd love to meet him. Oh, maybe

will. Okay.

Okay, so it's a date then. If you see any trouble, just let me know.

Okay, bye.

Yeah, hi, Tommy. I'm sorry, Mr. Henderson.

Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you like that.

I was just trying to impress... What?

You mean you liked it?

No, I'm not going to do it again. Maybe later.

I said maybe later.

Stop that.

Hey, Drew, you ready to get something to eat?

Yeah, boy, the most beautiful woman was here, and I asked her out. She said

she'd go out with me.

You should see the woman I'm going out with this weekend. She's perfect.

I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to jinx it, but I met

somebody, too, and I think I'm in love.

You know, I might be, too, just thinking about her. I can almost smell her

perfume.

See,

I told you guys if you were patient, we'd all meet somebody.

Hey, two beers, please.

Hey, you know what? If our first dates work out, this could be our last night

together as creepy single guys.

To the three luckiest girls in the world.

Oh, there's poor Dateless Gate. We should be nice to her.

Yeah. We should eat better, too. Hey, Kate, want to play some Old Maid?

Or you want to take my car out for a spinster?

Well, that's right. You guys all have dates.

It's like the second weekend of July 1987 all over again.

What do you got planned?

Well, I want to do something classy. I'm going to rent a limo and take her to

the opera. Which one?

I don't know. I figured we'd swing by the Opera Plex and see what was planned.

I'm going to spend the week sneaking around taking candid pictures of her.

And I'm going to set it to music and give it to her as a surprise.

You can skip mine. It was kind of a hybrid of the other two.

Also, help us out, Kate. What impresses you on a first date? And remember, none

of us have nice cars. Or good jobs. And we look like this.

First of all, you guys are trying way too hard.

One of my favorite first dates was where this guy took me to his regular

hangout. I mean, it's great the way everybody yelled his name when we walked

the door.

I mean, it's just nice to be with a guy everybody likes.

Well, I'm out.

Oh, there was other stuff, too, like he had this pocket watch.

You know, the one of the old -fashioned kind on a chain.

It just made him seem old -fashioned and dependable.

Oh, and the end of the night, this is my favorite part.

You're gonna think it's corny.

Aw, Kate, nothing's corny if it gets you some.

At the end of the night, he sang me a Lionel Richie song.

Lionel Richie seems a bit odd.

Hey, how about if I river dance?

Hello, everybody!

Hey! This is my usual hangout.

People seem to like me, don't they?

Well, what's not to like?

Well, I'm needy, I don't return what I borrow, and some women say I'm too

considerate in bed.

You're so spontaneous. I love that. I'm so tired of all the game playing.

Oh, boy, I hear you.

Let's see.

We've still got about an hour until the movie starts. We could relax, have a

bite to eat.

That'd be nice. Is that a pocket watch?

Oh, yeah, I'm kind of an old -fashioned guy.

So to recap...

People like me, I'm honest, and I'm old -fashioned.

Here we go.

A toast.

Here's to me wedging into the conversation that I own the company that

this beer.

Now, is this a real company? Because I once dated a guy that said he owned a

beer processing plant. Turns out he just meant himself.

No, no, it's real.

Mmm, coffee beer. This is good.

How's business?

Well, the combination of caffeine and alcohol should be more addictive than

heroin, but so far sales haven't borne that out.

I'd say you're on to something.

And I'd say you're... one... twice...

three times a lady.

And I like you.

This is a first.

Yes, you'll want it.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Oswald.

Oswald, do you believe in deja vu?

If that's the French Santa Claus, then yes.

Two beers, please.

So how's your hand doing?

Well, let's give it the old salt test.

Well, better than this morning.

You are so funny.

I hope.

Do you have a pocket watch? Because I do.

Is somebody giving them out with a full tank of gas?

Do you like Lionel Richie? Because I do.

You're one.

Three times a lady.

And I love you.

What time is it?

I'll tell you what time it is.

You're one.

Three times a lady. I'm sorry.

What is going on here? What are you talking about?

This can't be an accident. Why did you bring me here?

This is my bar and these are all my friends. Hi, guys. Hey.

Oh, that's it.

This is too weird. I am out of here.

Hey, it's my new girlfriend.

Hey, mine's here, too.

Well, let's get them together.

All right.

Hey, I'd like to meet... What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Would you guys just call her, honey?

I will give the both of you one minute to explain what's going on here.

hillbilly love ritual this is, but I want no part of it.

Oh, my God, it's the same woman.

I can't believe

you guys were dating the same woman at the same time.

Although, secretly, I didn't believe you were dating different women at the same

time, either.

I'm surprised that bitterness doesn't attract more men.

Sorry, guys.

I'm not being one, twice, three times a lady.

Anyway, I'll see you later. I have a date.

Hope it's not with the same person.

You know, I don't think Tracy's coming over, Drew.

No, she'll be here.

When did you tell her, anyway?

I told her we wanted to apologize, and besides that, she dropped her house key

in my car, and if she was comfortable with me having it, well, she'd have to

come over.

Well, it'll work, but that doorbell hurts just a little bit.

Lewis, try not to look so creepy.

Give the guy some notice.

Hey, Tracy,

how are you? Come on in.

Oh, my God, don't tell me you all live together, too.

Really sorry. It was all just a big mistake.

What, that you're all friends or that you all use the same routine to woo me?

So, uh, we wooed you?

That reminds me. Can I have my key back?

Not the one to my heart.

Now.

Look, we didn't know we were all dating the same woman. We took some bad advice

from a friend because we wanted to impress you so much. We didn't want to

you. We like you.

Well, I gotta admit,

Kind of liked you guys, too. If this hadn't happened, it would have been fun

go out.

Well, thanks for at least hearing us out.

Come on, I'll get the keys for you.

Here you go.

I'm really sorry to have to end this way, too, so maybe you and I can go out

sometime.

Hey, Tracy, I remembered that recipe you wanted for love cake.

You take five, five, five eggs.

zero cups of sugar, one tablespoon of vanilla, zero apples, and seven raisins.

can't believe I just asked her out right in front of my face. Why?

You just asked me out.

Hey, wait, you guys asked her out? Give it up, would you? Enough is enough.

Okay, can I just say something here?

You know what? The only thing I really know about any of you is that Oswald is

the only one that can sing, and Drew needs to rest a lot.

Woo -hoo! Oswald pulls into the lead!

No, no, that's not what I mean. What I'm trying to say is, if any of you want to

call me, you can. I just don't want you fighting over me.

Yeah, she's a person, man. She's not a prize. This isn't a contest.

That's right.

Thank you, Drew.

And Drew pulls into the lead!

You know, Brian, if you could use a customer, I wouldn't mind a neck rub.

Thanks, Larry. Just give me a second to set up.

Um, would you like whale songs, sounds of the rainforest, or Enya?

Do you have any, uh, Kenny G?

I think I'm getting a peek at someone's sensitive side.

Larry.

That's right, and plenty of...

It's not that kind of massage.

I'd rather have the bread maker.