Original subtitles

Uh, can I get the check here, please?

Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.

Huh. Hope I don't get what Kate has. Every time the bill comes, she has to go

the bathroom.

Yeah, it's called unemployed bladder syndrome.

You know, I don't mind helping out a friend when things are tight, because

way she does it, that bugs me. I know. When I'm low on money, I fake it

coronary.

You guys ready to go? Uh, no, the check hasn't got here yet.

Oh, I forgot to wash my hands.

Guys, I've got to warn you. We just found out we've got rats, so we're going

be closing in about 15 minutes. But the chili's half -priced.

Half -priced? All right!

Did you hear the rest of that? Hey, all I know is I've got 15 minutes to fill up

on half -priced chili.

Oh, look, a gerbil.

You going to have any chili, Drew? Oh, no thanks. I filled up on a slice of

pizza I found in the pocket of a bum.

Hey, what's going on?

Warsaw's closed, and they found rats.

Dear sweet mother of God.

What's the matter?

What?

Why does something always have to be the matter when I happen to mention the

dear sweet mother of God?

Okay, look, here's the story.

I've been keeping some rats from drug co upstairs in the apartment and they got

out of their cage. Looks like they found their way down here.

Footnote, they're super intelligent.

Annoyed response.

What the hell are you talking about?

These rats are smart. The only thing that could catch them is a super

intelligent cat, and we're years away from that.

That's where the rats could be.

Who ordered the four cheese pizza?

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I didn't think it was rats. I was just shocked by the news that someone

invented a fourth cheese.

How did these rats escape?

Well, one of them seemed to be choking.

Heard a squeak, so I opened up the cage to help.

Well, the lights went out. I got hit in the head with something heavy, and next

thing I know, I woke up tied to a block of cheese.

Have a buzz beer, please.

You know, if this place closes down, it's going to be the last time we hear

that.

Even if it closes just for a couple of weeks, we've had it. I mean, we sell all

of our beer here.

We can't let Buzz Beer die.

We worked too hard for this.

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into this beer.

And then that one button at one time.

Hey, Kate, bad news. Looks like we're going to have to close down Buzz Beer.

Really? Maybe it's time. I mean, we have been losing money.

Paid the check yet?

No.

Close down Buzz Beer?

say buzz beer? Well, I can't think in quiet places, Drew. You see, the way my

brain works, it only works if it has some kind of a stimulation.

Oh, no thanks. I'm pregnant.

Anyone need another beer? Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, they say wrestling's fake, but somebody sure messed that guy

Oh, hey, Mimi.

bottles in here, somebody will get hurt. There's a reason we have rules, mister.

Oh.

This Linarian is strict.

And you, you're pregnant.

What are you doing drinking in your condition?

How do you think I got in this condition?

Did you see the jumbotron? They had a picture of him.

That's a lot of free advertising.

Well, not exactly free. We did get a stern lecture.

You know, if we could get a guy like that to endorse Buzz Beer, we'll be

under. We could never afford a guy like that.

Well, I don't know. Isn't he the same guy who took our tickets when we came

Yeah, you know, this could work.

This could be the guy to save our business.

I have kind of a business proposition for you.

Is this a bad time?

Now, Jonathan, before you go, you're fired for not coming in all week.

But I'm here all week.

Well, I'm talking about next week. But why would you come in? Because you're

fired.

Oh, look, Mr. Wick.

You just fired your 100th person.

Thank you, Mimi. I'd like to thank all of you who have made this possible,

whatever that soup line may be.

Drew, Drew, Drew, take a picture.

Okay.

Say, God forgive me.

Great. Now, you're the one where you pretend you're strangling me.

Congratulations, Johnson.

Now, get out.

Hey. Hey. Hey, Drew, the disciplinarian's on his way out. Some

spritzed him, and he's got him in a headlock.

Okay, now, we've got $2 ,000 to offer him, but we're going to start low and

up from there. Anybody find out what his real name is? Yes, it's Carol

Morgenstern.

Carol.

That's a girl's name.

Oh, sorry, Drew.

Oh, my God.

It's the disciplinarian.

I always was wondering this. When you were in that fight with the hammerlock

he had you in the hammerlock, I mean, why didn't you just blind him?

Because I would go to jail.

Oh.

Hey, it's almost 6 o 'clock. Shouldn't your mommy be picking you up from

daycare?

Hello, Mr. Darien. Hey, Mr.

Disciplinarian. Oh, you smell nice.

This is, uh...

Oswald and Lewis, I see you've already met the ultimate punishment.

Thanks for coming by. We would have met in our corporate headquarters, but it's

my garage, and I've been having a little trouble with black widows.

Spider.

My manager tells me you're interested in me being a spokesman for your beer.

What would I have to do?

Oh, well, we'd want you to wear buzz beer T -shirts and we'll drink a beer

you're on camera. Oh, and if you happen to save a child from a burning building,

maybe you're holding a buzz beer in the other hand.

I mean, and you want to try it. I mean, we know you're a man of principle and

you wouldn't endorse something you don't like.

Although we're sure that's not a hard and fast rule with you.

No, no, the stuff's great. It's just that I have to rest for a couple of

I wouldn't want to numb my senses with the effects of alcohol.

Well, I don't know. My old man always said the day I can't do my job drunk is

the day I turn in my badging gun.

Well, we're glad that you like our beer, and we're big fans of yours. So, in

exchange for your services, we're prepared to offer you the sum of $100.

Cash?

Oswald, I think we can go a little higher than that. Oh, yeah, we said we

go all the way to $2 ,000, but you said to start lower.

Okay, we can offer you $2 ,000, but more importantly, the chance to keep our

dream alive.

How about I keep your dream alive, and you pay me five cents on every can you

sell?

All right.

Five cents on every can.

And bottle.

Damn, I knew I shouldn't use that sly voice. Okay.

All right, we got our own spokesman. He has to say whatever we tell him to.

Hey, see, I got something on my butt.

You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?

We're gonna need some cue cards for this guy.

I'm gonna snap his neck.

I'm gonna rip his head off.

I'm gonna pull out his spine and drink his blood.

And to wash down that blood.

I'm going to drink a nice, cold buzz beer.

Hey, he didn't spit it out. Yeah, I bet that's going to help us sell another

couple hundred bottles of buzz beer.

I love this guy. He's going to make us rich. Yep, and when he does, I'm going

walk right into him with her louder and tell him to take this job and shove it.

Right after the appropriate two weeks, during which I will train my

I wish we could be celebrating at the Warsaw. Do you think it's ever going to

open up again?

All the exterminators have given up. But later tonight, you and I are going to

go down there and kick some intelligent rat's butt.

Oh, good, because I'm tired of them always finishing my crossword puzzle.

Hi, guys. Look who's here.

How can I take me your last fight? Gosh, it was great.

Hey, listen, I have a question for you. You got a great body on you. How can I

get mine like yours?

Strict diet and constant exercise.

Okay, forget that. How long does it take me... How long will it take me to get

my hair that long?

Get me a beer, would you? Sure.

I took the disciplinarian out shopping to pick out clothes for tomorrow.

Oh? What are you doing tomorrow?

I'm going to my brother -in -law's funeral.

Oh, hey, great. Would you mind wearing this buzz beer hat?

Well, he did like the drink.

I got to get going.

I'll see you guys.

Thanks, Kate. Dinner tonight, right? You bet, Ted.

Nice guy, isn't he?

What's going on here, Kate?

Just what happened.

it's not great. I don't think it's a good idea for you to be dating somebody

we're in business with or anyone whose first name is The.

Well, fortunately, who I date is none of your business.

No, it literally is my business and if things between you two don't work out,

that's exactly what I'm going to lose.

Well, excuse me, it could work out. You don't know.

All I know is if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, chances are you

dated it and it ended badly.

Talks like a girl and talks like a girl. Chances are you asked her out and she

said no.

They know how to say no.

Yeah, like you say no to a donut.

I would have thought that beer would make people fight.

Sure you want to do that?

I can't stand that damn squeaking all night long.

Well, I won't be able to stop the squeaking until those rats are out of

I started it. I'm going to finish it. Right, okay.

James?

Charles, you in there?

Hey,

cut it out.

What? Stepping on my foot.

I didn't step on anything.

Yeah, right. Well, then who did?

Don't you see what they're doing?

They're trying to turn us against each other.

Lewis, maybe they are too smart for us. No, no. They may be book smart, but

we're street smart. Right.

Nothing. Nothing.

Hey, look.

Somebody had left an ice cold beer on the bar.

Uh -oh.

What?

Oh, my hand's stuck to the beer and the beer's stuck to the bar.

God, they must have used the sticky stuff from the glue traps.

Sorry, buddy, every man for himself.

I mean, together to the end, huh?

Don't worry, we'll be okay.

I can't believe we're gonna die like this.

I love you, buddy.

I love you, too.

Oh, man, we better die now.

We sat there in the dark for about 20 minutes before we realized they didn't

want to kill us. They just wanted to humiliate us.

So the moral of the story is, you're dumber than mice.

Rats.

Doesn't matter.

Look, I'm tired of waiting for Kate. I think we should start the meeting.

All in favor?

All opposed?

So the meeting begins.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.

Now,

I balanced all the books for the month.

Now, if we subtract our costs from our revenue, Buzz Beer is only in the red

box. Oh, my God.

It's never happened before. Does anybody have a black pen?

No. You could buy one.

That would put us back in the red.

Those are for on your own time.

Kate's been taking me around the bars pushing Buzz Beer.

Oh. Yo, Kate Champ, you look a little wobbly.

Wobbly. That's a funny word.

Hey, he's drunk.

Well, it is a funny word when you think about it.

Wobbly.

Wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly.

What's with the belt, Elvis?

I wanted off him last night. How do I look?

Like a cigar.

You know, you missed the shareholders meeting.

Hey, I'm first of them all opening now.

You missed the mall opening?

It was an accident. We were drunk.

Okay, I've seen enough.

You've got to stop dating him, Kate.

You're messing up the company. It's not fair to us.

You're our princess.

You can do better, whatever you need to hear.

Oh, please, don't blame it on me. I'm not the one working him to the bone.

Are you sure you want to use that phrase, Kate? Okay,

the only way to settle this is to... take a vote.

Who thinks we should stop pushing the disc so hard and pace ourselves a

Well, she makes a good point.

All opposed?

A tie.

Great. We get to take another vote. And remember, this could be our last chance

to make it big.

And remember, he's our employee and our friend. Now, who's with me?

Hey.

She makes a good argument.

Well, so does he.

You're right. I'd switch my vote. Me too.

Who says I blow my brains out?

Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on. Look at us.

We get a little successful when we're at each other's throats. Come on.

Isn't our friendship worth more than money?

It's a good speech.

I think I'll change my vote. Me too.

So two days and no rats, huh? Yeah.

I walked in one night.

And they all walked out as if they'd realized that there was more to life

just hanging out in the bar.

There goes your super -intelligent rat theory.

We got our bar back, huh?

Is the disciplinarian here yet?

No. I guess you could get up there. You wrestle with your pants every morning.

Hey, the rats didn't leave. They just formed a pyramid, and whoever's on top

to wear eye shadow.

Well, they better be here soon, because I know how to make a crowd grow ugly.

Oh, God, that was a close one.

Wow, what a crowd. I didn't expect this good a turnout.

Mr. Wick, what are you doing here?

I'm here to see the disciplinarian.

I've been a very bad boy.

Mr. Wick, the disciplinarian is a wrestler and a man.

Oh, good God, that could have been embarrassing.

Hey,

guys. Hey.

So, uh... Where you been? Where is he? Is he gonna make some big entrance or

something? Yeah, there's such showmen. You know, fireworks, elephants.

How should I know? I'm not his keeper.

Yes, you are. Literally, you said that yesterday. I'm his keeper. Now, where is

he?

I screwed up, Drew.

I screwed up big time.

I found out he never gambled in his life.

And I thought, that's not right.

So I took him to Atlantic City.

Six hours later, he's down $20 ,000, and I'm thinking, that's not right either.

And then... And then?

He lost $20 ,000, there's an and then?

Anyway, and then he got in a fight, and then we got in a fight, and the upshot

is, you were right, Drew. Business and pleasure, not good. Drew won, Kate,

nothing. And remember, nobody can be tougher on me than me.

Let's give that a shot.

Hey, look, Drew, the disciplinarian.

Where? Is he here? No, even better, he's on the news.

A lot of you have heard different stories about what happened to me.

I was arrested for wrestling naked with Hercules.

Turns out it was a statue at Caesar's Palace and I was drunk.

You see this belt?

78 straight victories.

You see this beer?

It kicked my ass.

Kids, buzz beer isn't for you.

Don't start drinking buzz beer, because if you do, you'll keep drinking buzz

beer. And the next thing you know, you're in the back of a limo with some

woman on your way to Atlantic City for a crazy weekend.

Oh, yeah.

And stay in school, or I'll have to come and discipline you.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

You rode in a limousine?

I'm really, really, really sorry, Drew.

Come here, Kate.

Kate, Kate.

Remember, if you have to run away, he has a hard time taking corners.

Drew, I really am sorry, and this time I really mean it.

It's really fucked, Kate.

You gonna be okay?

What?

I mean, you know, you just got dumped again, and on TV.

I just feel terrible for you, poor thing.

I don't know what you're doing, Drew. By being nice, you're just making it

worse. Oh, I know what I'm doing. You need a hug?

Okay. I deserve that. But it ticked me off when you said none of my

relationships work out.

Oh, hey, it's not like any of mine work out either. Right, honey?

True,

we're going to need some more buzz here. There's a run on it. Everyone wants to

try the beer that could actually kick the ass of the disciplinarian.

Hey, we're back in business.

Now nobody can say we're bad businessmen. Free beer for everyone!

I'm going to sleep good tonight. I don't know. No, they weren't all bad. They

did turn me on to Rimsky -Korsakov.

You know, I'm sick of this talk, you know?

They may have seemed super intelligent to the two of you, but to the rest of

they were just... Hey,

they were geniuses. Give me a break.

Maybe he's right. I mean, maybe they weren't so smart after all.

Yes, Master.

The humans suspect nothing.

Yes, they are drinking the serum.

Thank you.