Original subtitles

Oh, hello.

Glad you could drop by.

You know, so many things happened on the Drew Carey show last week that I

thought I'd catch you up a little bit.

You see, the trouble all started when Winford Louder wanted to build a mall in

Drew's neighborhood.

Well, here, look. Okay.

This is Drew.

And this is Mrs. Louder.

Sell the house, Carey!

No, I don't want to. I grew up in it.

Ah, quit your crying, you big baby.

That's why you're a beer and I'm a bottle of fine wine made by monks.

And then Mimi dropped by.

Pig!

And then she left.

Then they started talking about cutting Drew's house in half and I started

thinking about this crack he made about me having a...

Low attention span.

Does this look infected to you?

Well, eventually the talk went to houses on a lake and lawsuits, and quite

frankly, none of it really mattered.

I mean, we're all going to lose everything in our checking accounts come

millennium.

That's right.

Y2K, baby, huh?

It's all a big plot. And you know who's behind it?

They don't want me to tell you. Oh, no. No, but they can't stop me, you see.

Because I'm their worst nightmare. A drunk guy with TV time.

The people behind this thing, behind this whole conspiracy, is the American

Broadcasting.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it... We belong.

Our little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland rock, Cleveland rock.

Living in sin with safety net, go Cleveland.

I had some storm last night, huh, Speedy?

Hey, sorry about all that stuff about cutting you open and crawling inside.

Cold plays with a man's mind.

I hope that's somebody with religious pamphlets I can burn for heat.

Celia, you're back early.

Hi, Drew.

Why the beard?

And why does the neighborhood look abandoned?

Oh, my God.

Oh, that.

Tell me about your trip.

I have a feeling your story is more interesting.

Oh, not really.

Winford Lauder wants to build a mall, so they bought everybody out. Then they

tricked me and took half my house.

Now I'm not leaving until they bring it back or they find me a frozen corpse

picked apart by squirrels and birds.

So what do you want for dinner?

Hey, time to hit the slopes.

Hey,

you shoveled. the steps.

I don't believe this. You're the only one left in the neighborhood and you're

living here like an animal. It's not so bad.

Hey, Drew, mind if I use your bathroom? Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

There's a magazine by the tree. Thanks.

Have you guys been staying here with Drew? Yeah, for ten whole days now. It's

been man against nature. Drew taught us how to make a pizza with nothing but a

cellular phone and a credit card.

Can't you wage this battle from a nice, warm hotel room?

No, no, no, no. The minute I leave this place, they're going to take it. I can't

let that happen.

Winford Lauder has demoted me. They've humiliated me. They've denied me

promotions. No, it's fine with that. We've got a nice little thing going. But

this is where I make my stand.

Boy, when you put it that way, it sounds so noble.

Do not go outside.

If your friends are in for the siege, I guess I can be, too. Oh, I knew I could

count on you. It's not so bad. We have a lot of fun. We make campfires, tell

ghost stories. What other fun things do we do, guys? Wait till you fall asleep

and then leave.

A pig.

Hey, Lewis, you didn't bury it deep enough.

Shut up.

She's steaming.

What are you doing here, Mimi?

I'm here to read a prepared statement by the board of directors of Winford

Louder. Dear Pig.

The board wrote that, huh?

Oh, yeah.

This is your last chance to vacate the premises. Should you refuse, Mimi Bobeck

has been authorized to drive you out by any means necessary.

Necessary.

Seat signed by Mrs. Louder.

They hired you? Why would they hire you?

Well, they needed somebody to torture you, and apparently they're fans of my

work.

I am not leaving, Mimi. You can huff.

You can puff.

Oh, my God, I'm making a pig joke on myself.

Get out!

Well, I warned you.

Where's that opening?

Oh, well.

Quick, Drew, if we get a blurry picture of her walking through the snow, we can

make a fortune.

Drew, what makes that woman so angry?

Deep down inside of her is a scared little girl. I think it's giving her

indigestion.

that chopping sound?

I don't know. Why don't we ask her to play it again?

Boy, earplugs. That was a good idea.

Hey, where are you going?

It's probably Mimi. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Hit her over the head, but I'm afraid she'd fall face down and ruin my carpet.

Larry, Chuck, what are you doing here?

Actually, everybody missed you at work.

I'm kidding.

Nobody did.

We just stopped by to ask Mimi to shut off the lights and music.

Well, hey, you're here to back me up? You're on my side?

What side?

There are no sides.

You won.

They're not going to build them all.

I won?

Oh, my God, I won.

Congratulations, Drew.

Well, that sounds funny together, doesn't it?

Wait a minute. You're not just finding out about this now, are you? I mean,

went down like three days ago.

Wait a second. If this whole thing's over, why are you guys hanging around my

house? We're not. We're hanging around our houses.

Winford Louder's stuck with all these houses. And they're renting them out to

all their employees.

Cheap. I'm on the right.

Larry's on the left.

Or as I like to think of it, upwind and downwind.

It's going to be great living next to you, buddy.

And the best news is, old lady Louder's paying the rent.

I made it. I'm a cat man.

Hey, stop by anytime.

But if I'm wearing leather hot pants, I'm on the clock.

If I'm wearing leather hot pants, It's laundry day.

Well, I can hardly bear to leave this house, but let's give it a try.

Thanks for sticking it out with me, guys.

Glad to help, Drew. You won this one for every little guy who was offered too

much money for his house and refused to sell for whatever stupid reason.

I won.

We're finally alone.

How about a cold one?

Okay. Can I get a beer to put me in the mood?

We can't catch the guy who did That's All Your Dresses, but I'm sure by now

in Panama!

Mr. Wick, I'm sorry about my dress.

Oh, and you should be sorry.

Of course, it's, uh... Two dresses don't... Into one, of course! Yes,

than usual.

Welcome back, Carrie.

I missed the beard. Glad you kept the nose hair.

Thank you, sir.

Hope there's no hard feelings about losing them all.

Oh, you mean the fact that you held out so long that the investors pulled out

and I lost my bonus?

No, Gary, it's just business.

Look in the telephone book and you'll find a hundred pages of people who are

worse off than I am.

Type up those pages, Gary, and have them on my desk by five o 'clock.

Not only that, but I'll do it on the exact same paper with the exact same

typeface.

This better not be a trick, Gary.

Couldn't wait for tonight, huh?

Drew, I swear to God, you'd forget your head if it wasn't fastened on.

Oh, my lunch. Wow, fluffernutter sandwich.

Are there nanners in it?

Oh, really take care of me. I never had anyone take care of me the way you take

care of me.

Just returning the favor, if you know what I mean.

Well, I never had any complaints, at least not filed through official

Hey, uh, you know what you ought to do?

You gotta move in with me.

What?

Slow down, Drew. It's been a long time since I've lived with anyone.

Well, come on. We're perfect for each other.

You're old -fashioned. I look old -fashioned.

I can eat no fat. I can eat no lean.

Well, I can't argue with that.

All right.

I'm gonna do it.

I'll move my stuff in this weekend.

Can I install handrails in the shower?

Just kidding, Drew.

No, I already got them.

The construction workers are gone. They're done.

Got my kitchen back.

Hey, doormat.

Ain't doormat's girlfriend.

I mean, what do you mean?

You're tracking dirt all over your floor.

Tracking dirt on our floor, honey.

Tracking dirt all over our floor.

Oh, Drew, the construction guys broke your smoke detector, but they replaced

with a flammable rag.

So, how was your day?

Oh, I made you a little something at work.

Oh, you made... me a heart with your computer.

I'm gonna put it right up here next to your cholesterol test.

Big day for the beef, huh?

Hey, uh, so when's dinner, man? I'm starving.

Honey, don't spoil the dinner. I'm making your favorite.

Oh, look out. You got some crumbs.

My mom used to do that for me, but it wasn't foreplay.

This is looking out great, isn't it?

Well, if by great you mean weird and sort of creepy, then you betcha.

What are you talking about? I thought you guys were over that age thing.

Age thing?

I'd give anything for the carefree willies of the age thing again.

Drew, you ever talk to your mom about the birds and the bees?

Yeah. Did it make you hot?

Drew, we've been watching this relationship with you and Celia, and I

it's kind of like you're dating your mom.

There's nothing to discuss. I do not love Celia in a motherly way. Well, I'm

going to go call my mom, you know, just as a friend.

Hey, what do you say we celebrate the house being back together with a little

champagne? Okay.

Once I'm liquored up, I don't take no for an answer.

Hey, can you get me those glasses over here? What, are your legs broken?

Funny, that's what my mom... Excuse me?

Nothing. Let's drink to our house and our new life together.

Sorry, I seem to spill.

So, I hear your kitchen leans to one side.

That matches your bed, your block, your car, Cleveland.

You know, Mimi, you can catch more flies.

Actually, you couldn't possibly catch more flies.

Looking over these estimates for the repairs in your house, we seem to have a

bit of a disagreement here.

You think because our workers put your kitchen back together wrong, we should

cover the expenses.

We, on the other hand, feel screw you.

You mean after all this, you're still going to try to rip me off?

Yes, that's right. We're going to rip you off because we're bullies. What are

you going to do about it? Cry?

What are you going to do? Cry?

Stop it.

Stop it. You have to do something about this. My whole house leans to the right.

You should get out of breath just walking from the kitchen to the

Yeah, we were just playing.

Ah, you must be the new girlfriend.

So you got yourself a vintage model, eh?

A little more upbeat, but there are lots more fun to drive.

You ought to get a car yourself, sir. Save money on those rentals.

Look, Gary, I'm sorry about your house, but we're not going to pay for any more

repairs. And if you don't like it, well, you can always cry on Mummy's shoulder.

I'm not his mother and about you paying for the house. Celia, please.

Drew, shush. You don't interrupt people when they're talking.

This isn't over, Rick. I'm not paying for this. You are.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to use my lunch break to talk to a lawyer.

Set. Sleep.

What a day.

Spent all afternoon getting Winford Lauder to pay for the repairs of my

I got problems with my girlfriend.

And then it took forever for my friend to get the hint that I wanted him out of

here. All right, okay, we can take a hint, all right?

You know what would be really cool in here?

Let's go get our bikes!

Hi,

Drew. Hi.

I think we need to talk.

Yeah.

I'm really sorry about what happened at your office.

Oh, shush.

Forgotten all about it.

it's happening, don't you?

I'm starting to act like your mom.

And today wasn't the first time.

The other night when we were kissing against the wall, I marked your height

a pencil.

And we learned something.

When you kiss me, I get taller.

Look, every relationship is different. If ours has a little mother -son thing

going on, it doesn't bother us. Why should we care?

So you're perfectly fine with this?

Well... don't want you shushing me anymore, and I should probably quit

take my favorite cartoons.

But I enjoy doing that.

Fine. There you go.

Now, what do you say we go discuss this over, uh, you?

Oh, dear.

Where the hell did we talk about it?

So, you actually saw her face, no? Yeah.

Come and sleep on the couch.

Fine. I'll make some pancakes in the morning and I'm getting the hell out.

Appreciate it.

Night. Night.

Tommy!

Tommy!

You gotta find me, man.

These pants work too well.

I've never seen Mrs. Lowder like this.

And I've never seen you like that, Larry.

You let your dog on the furniture?

Freak.

Hey, Drew.

It's laundry day. Can I borrow some bleach?

And so the village people were born.

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