Original subtitles

Why does Drew keep forgetting to tell us when he moves his secret key?

I don't know. Maybe he's losing his memory. I mean, look at how he keeps

forgetting to introduce us to the three moochers he's always talking about.

My New Year's resolution was to work out.

Come on, buddy. It's all you. One more.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Drew, come on in.

Thanks. Hey, sorry I didn't call, but I just saw the light was on, so I thought

I'd drop by.

Here, Drew.

No, I'm cutting back.

Oh, New Year's resolution?

Actually, my New Year's resolution was to stop buying so many things off of TV

late at night, but I traced it back to drinking.

By the way, Drew, way to throw a New Year's Eve party. I almost met the girl

my dreams there.

Almost? Yeah, you know, when Drew turned out the lights at midnight, this tall

woman with silky hair leaned over and kissed me. She even grabbed my butt.

But then when the lights came back on, she was gone.

That's nothing. When the lights went out, this curly -haired, big -boned,

Shields type turned around and kissed me.

Didn't grab my butt, but she let me grab her.

My resolution never knew it hit it.

You hear that?

It's a knock.

Don't let it throw you. That's what most people do before they come into my

house.

Hey, Greg, neighbor, how you doing? I haven't seen you in, what, two weeks?

Nine months.

Hey, Greg.

Hey, I noticed you got a new satellite there. Thought maybe I might drop by.

That is awful.

I mean...

What does it say about neighbors who haven't seen each other in nine months?

That one of them peeks out the window before he takes out his trash.

I wish I thought of that. I've been putting my trash in my car and driving

work.

Well, enough small talk, Carrie.

I just wanted to know what you're going to do about all the offers we've been

getting in the mail. Oh, hey, don't fall for that scam.

You know, they say it's an engraving of Lincoln, but it's really just a penny.

I'm talking about the offers they made on our houses. You know, to build them

all, it's a go.

I didn't know they were offers. I thought it was just junk mail. Well,

your mail, Carrie, okay? Everybody on the block's jumping on board, and we

you, too, because it's all or nothing.

Well, there's no way they could offer me enough money for this fight, because I

know what my house was worth, and, well...

There's less than that.

Well, if you feel guilty about it, give them a tour of the place. I'm sure you

can get them to come down.

Well, excuse me, but you say you only live in the neighborhood a year. I don't

know if I want to thaw these memories for a couple thousand dollars.

I told my parents' wedding pictures to buy a taco.

Well, the best I can do is promise you to think about this. That's just the way

I am, you know. I get in the bathtub one leg at a time.

It's not your leg going into the bathtub that bothers me.

Get a shade, will you?

Wow, selling the house.

I don't know. I mean, we always hung out here.

The first liquor cabinet I ever broke into was Drew's dad's. Yeah, the first

naked woman I ever saw was Drew's mom.

I remember that night.

That was one crazy Cub Scout meeting.

comes from

The refs are bad.

And now look, they just sold my team.

I thought I smelled pig skin.

Where the hell did this come from?

It was plain as that thing you call your face, Mimi.

I think Nazma is just trying to say something like, hey, we appreciate our

employees.

But seriously, pig, what's the story?

It is a much -deserved, long -overdue mistake that with any luck will fit in

trunk of my car.

Oh, Drew, I see you got your gift.

Anything else we can get you, just let us know, because today is We Love Drew

Carey Day.

Oh, my God, I never even made it to work. I'm home dead of my toilet.

Do you agree to sell yet? Sell what?

Your house. You know, that box you keep your refrigerator and your change of

pants in.

Don't you know there was an offer on my house?

Because we're behind the offer.

Winfred Lauda's going to be the anchor store at the new mall.

And hopefully now that you know it's us, you'll say yes because we're family.

I'm sorry, but I'm not selling. A ruthless, vindictive, multinational

are virtually above the law.

Now, here is a standard sales contract.

All your neighbors who sign one just put your name there and there.

and we'll bring out the piñata.

A piñata sounds nice, but I sit in front of one all day long.

This,

Kerry, is a replica of the mall. If you refuse to sell your house, then we'll

build the whole thing right around you, and your house will be surrounded by a

basket robins, a cineplex, and a Victoria's Secret.

Who the hell built this model?

We might as well put a rocket up. his bum and shoot him into heaven!

Okay, you win. Just sign this contract saying that you will not sell your

Wait a second. What do you mean I'm an idiot?

No, we don't think you're an idiot. Just sign these papers to that effect.

Is there anything we can do to make you change your mind? No, not even if you

built me a place by the lake. I'd still miss my house.

Ahem.

Nobody touch her. She might be choking.

Be nice, pig. I think I have a solution.

You really want to live at the lake?

Yeah, and I'd love my ass to look as good in jeans as the Gap Lady's always

it does, but it ain't gonna happen.

And you want his land.

If I can make it all happen, what's it worth to you?

$650.

Why'd you pick that number?

We spent millions on research determining that's what poor people

of money.

Okay.

Here's the deal.

Just pick up his house and move it to the lake.

Move an entire house? That's absurd.

We'll just get our energy guns and zap the house off to a moon colony.

They move houses.

My dad's trucking company's done it. You just cut it in half and make two trips.

That's how they get Drew to work every morning.

You may be on to something, Bobeck. What do you say, Carrie?

Well, like Mimi's father said when she was born, what the hell, I'll give it a

shot.

I'm going to make front property and amend this contract to read that we'll

Carrie's house there.

Right away, Mrs. Lauda.

I was on the beach, eh, Kenny?

You're gonna be quite the swinging bachelor.

Oh, you think so?

See, that's how the gap girls get you.

All these people are your neighbors, Drew?

Yep, known them all my life.

There's, uh, bathrobe lady, there's hippie dog guy, there's Asian couple.

I'm not gonna miss, uh, Mr. Han in his pants, though, I'll tell you that.

platonic female friend.

Well, Carrie, all your neighbors were afraid you'd hold your ground to the

bitter end and spoil the deal. But I told them, I said, say what you want

Carrie, but he's got no backbone.

At least I know where my backbone is, thanks to your Time Life series, The

of the Human Body.

The one they never sent me.

Hey!

Talk to the 26 bones in my hand, pal.

I'll keep the damn book.

I'm sure the visible woman page is no good to anyone at this point.

Hey, you're just using all 26 bonds in his hand.

You go ahead, take your shots while you can, Greg, because they're moving Drew's

house to the lake.

Got them to move your piece of crap to a nice neighborhood?

Even the Clampetts bought a mansion when they moved to Beverly.

Ah, don't let them ruin your party, Drew. Hey, let's take another look at

pictures of your property. Yeah.

You know, when I was little, my dad said a carrier would never live by the lake.

You gotta be an important person, he said. You gotta be a doer. Well, it

out, you just gotta be in a doer's way.

You know what they'll do? They'll move you. They're doers.

I'd like to make a toast.

Here's to the loser who thinks he's gonna be living near the lake.

What you talking about, Mimi?

Not everything's about you, pig.

Now, get out of here.

That's the guy I was talking about.

Not you.

Anyway, this Duke Carey guy thinks he's going to be living near the lake.

Never going to happen.

Amy, if you don't think I like walking away from you over and over, you're

wrong.

Okay, here's what's going down. They're moving your house all right, but not to

the lake.

I don't believe it. Who told you?

Nobody. I finally cracked Mr. Wick's secret e -mail password.

It's Mr.

Wick.

What an idiot, using his name.

Yeah, it's almost as dumb as using the word password, huh?

I already changed it.

Hey, there was a pin hiding behind the pin I was aiming at.

I can't believe they're not moving my house to the lake. I should only find a

way to screw me.

I'm going to go home and see who's behind all this crap.

Same thing Mimi says to her face every night.

All right, Mimi.

See if you can guess my new password.

Shut up.

Damn. All right.

All right, I'm changing it again.

Who cares?

She's a witch.

I'm getting a beer.

Stop it!

Great, the power's out.

It's freezing.

Well, yeah, some watchdog you are.

Hey, Sharon.

Any luck?

Yeah, I think I figured out what your problem is. You're missing half your

house.

Oh, so you got the attitude all hooked up.

Well, I couldn't resist. Did you find out where they moved it to?

Well, the house, yeah. You know where the lake is?

Well, my house would have to take two buses and a train to get there.

It is never just a blown fuse with you, is it?

Speaking of which, all your wiring is gone. I'm not going to be able to get

any electricity, but I brought you these.

Ah!

Come on, scat.

You're scaring Drew.

It's okay.

It's okay, Drew. He's going.

Thanks. Their nature's banded, you know.

I'm going to get some plastic sheeting out of my truck, put it up here.

your wall used to be. It'll keep you a little warmer and keep all the animals

out. Oh, except for the ones that could already be in here. It'll keep them in.

Sorry.

Okay, I'll just be in here cleaning my anti -raccoon gun.

That's right, I got one.

Oh, my God, Drew.

I like it.

It really opens up the place.

I thought they weren't taking it till next week.

Oh, Drew, I... I left my sunglasses on your kitchen counter.

You didn't happen to see those around, did you?

Did you just look at my house? You're worried about your sunglasses?

Oh, I'm sorry, Drew.

Oh, they're right here.

Thank God.

That would have kept me up all night.

They didn't take the house, did they, Drew?

You were eating chili last night, weren't you?

I blew him so hard I knocked out the wall.

Sorry. Just trying to cheer you up.

And you have ripped a few in your time.

Man, Drew, Winford Lotter screwed with you before, but taking half your house,

that really sucks.

I'm gonna check out the upstairs.

Okay, but be careful, because the hallway is just kind of... That didn't

good. You all right, buddy?

Just let him go until he's ready to go down for a nap.

No!

Looking louder here.

Yeah, we heard what happened and we felt terrible, so we came right over.

Oh, this is horrible.

A gang of thieves could break in here and steal.

Well, they could talk loudly and make it hard for you to sleep.

What else makes it hard for you to sleep?

Hypothermia.

It's been a terrible mistake, Carrie. It all started when the homeowners

association at the lake rejected your house.

They rejected my house? Some obscure rule about no hovels or shanties.

I fought them for two hours. Then they brought up some other obscure rule about

loitering in English dandies.

Then why'd you take my house? I told you I wasn't going to have it moved

anywhere but the lake. Because we found an even better place for you. A lot...

lovely lot out in Willoughby. See, it's got grass and trees, and it's on a cul

-de -sac, so you don't have to worry about the little ones.

Hey, we're not kids. We know better than to play in the street.

This lot is much nicer than the one you're on now, and it's not just about

It's about your neighbors, too. They're counting on you. We did everything

possible. You've got to believe that. I even referred to you as a close personal

friend.

So we're all eating a little bit of you -know -what sandwich here.

Wow, I never saw you guys work so hard for me before.

Willoughby, I don't know.

Moon over, Willoughby, bring my love to me.

Sounds nice.

Oh, when this mall is built, you will be forever remembered.

How does the Drew Carey baby changing area sound?

You sure you're okay with this, Drew?

Yeah, you know, I get to go to a new neighborhood, I get to keep my family

and my new address is, uh, 300 Pounds Court.

Oh, please, if we were going for the joke, there was a lot available at One

a Half Ball Terrorist.

So I hear your house is just like you. Nobody wants to see it at the lake.

Yeah, there's a lot of snobs at that lake.

Have a good mind to have your family rise out of it and attack them one

Can't take it lying down, though. Check out this strongly worded letter to the

Lakeside Weekly Breeze.

The Homeowners Association of Lakeside Terraces is a bunch of fascists.

Blah, blah, blah.

The snobs think to me there's nothing more than white trash, blah, blah, blah,

blah. All I got to say is, hile homeowners.

Forcefully yours, Drew Carey, 300 pounds.

Court! You looked up the court!

Drew, we have to have a serious discussion.

Hey, those truth and labeling laws are getting kind of strict.

Why are you dressed like that?

Well, we were going to surprise you by protesting the homeowners association

treating you so lousy, but nobody knew why we were protesting.

They never saw your house, they don't know who you are, and the worst part of

it, Winfrey Ladder never even bought a lot there in the first place.

We looked like idiots.

Well, that's it.

So, you found out.

Well, we just came out to say we are very, very sorry.

Sorry for what? Lying at Skiba and stabbing me in the back?

Yes. We don't know how that happened.

Oh, you're not going anywhere.

I want my house back, and I want it back right now.

Build around me. I don't care.

I'll be the crazy guy that lives at the mall.

Well, this is exciting, but my bag's really hot.

Carrie, it's all moot. There's nothing you can do.

Next time, read a contract before you sign it. I did.

Oh, please. We even put in a section that said, Carrie, we bet you're not

reading this.

I skimmed through it. I didn't read it because you said you were friends of

mine. She said I was family.

We are.

We screwed you, son.

I've got something to say about this store. They are sneaky.

They're underhanded.

They're...

Hey,

get that truck out of here. I'm not taking my house anywhere.

Hey, hey, hey. Get the hell out of my house.

The job's over, all right?

You can't take the house when I'm in it. I'm not moving.

I don't care if I have no electricity, no blood, and no nothing.

I'll stay here all winter if I have to.

And support is growing.

All right, everyone, off your butts. Let's get started.

All righty, let's stretch it out a bit. Stretch it out.

Let's get busy with beer -robics.

Okay. And a one, and two, and three.

A one, and two, and three.

And turn.

want to go get a drink with me? Yeah.