Original subtitles

That's very true.

You think he chickened out about introducing us to his new girlfriend?

Well, she is 62. Maybe they got halfway here and had to turn back for her

traveling hat.

Plus, she probably had to start her car with a crank. That could take a while.

Uh -huh.

She's a little bit older. What's the big deal?

They're probably late because she misplaced her keys or purse or teeth.

All right.

Put it here. This time the wide end goes on the bottom.

Okay, here's the deal. I'm giving you a free tree. Any problem with that?

Good. You're also getting a free sign.

You're selling Christmas trees?

I guess that makes sense. You're both colorful and can be found tossed aside

an alley on New Year's Day.

Christmas trees. A guy hired my dad to truck 200 of them in from Michigan.

Check bounce.

Up to my neck in trees.

Oh, just a little short.

Hey, Santa's little dip wads. No booze on the job.

Give us a break. We're tired. We're cold.

We're trying to get the sound of your voice out of our heads.

Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't shout during the holidays.

Here's a little carol.

Joy to your fire.

Great. Now where am I going to find two mindless grunts willing to do what I say

for minimum wage?

Well, I was hoping for grunts, but I guess this is a job morons can do.

Excuse me. Have you ever worked with morons before?

You're going to need a wrangler.

Fine. We start loading the truck tomorrow at 5 a .m. And remember, when

beyond the outskirts of Cleveland, I am the law.

Oh, hi.

I heard you were dating somebody new.

Tell me, was it seeing them naked that turned your hair white?

Celia, this is makeup that's being tested on animals as we speak.

So that's Mimi, huh?

Nice to put a face with the screams.

Yeah, when they made her, they broke the mold. Then they killed the mold maker,

dragged his body to the street, and put his head on a stick.

Everybody, this is Celia. Celia, this is Oswald. Hi. This is Kate.

Hi.

Wow, this is a nice place.

I bet you remember when this was all field.

I mean, you're not old.

Hey, why don't I buy us a couple of pictures? Any objections?

Wow, you've still got your looks and your liver.

Hey, this one's a keeper, Drew.

Boy, Drew, I thought this was going to be strange, but you guys look like you

belong together.

You mean because she looks so young?

Standing next to you, yeah.

I had no idea beer could be used in so many recipes.

Beer.

It's what's for dinner.

Interesting smell.

How do you know when it's gone bad?

Stays out late, starts talking back to you.

Hmm. Needs more beer.

That's a shame my dog's already passed out in the backyard.

I'll get rid of whoever it is.

Tonight, it's just me and you.

If I have too many beers, it's just you.

Nobody wanted him.

I gotta warn you, I'm a nudist and I'm friendly.

You know, we learn something new about you every time we come here, son.

Mom,

Dad, what are you doing here?

perfume.

Oh, I fell asleep on a magazine.

Boy, I miss you so much.

Almost didn't recognize the house without the Christmas decorations.

You know, our Savior went through a hell of a lot so you could put up that giant

blinking Santa Claus.

Dad, Jesus didn't go through a hell of a lot for Santa Claus. He went through a

hell of a lot for the Easter Bunny.

You and your book.

Why don't you guys call?

Well, we wanted to surprise you. Yeah, you know.

We knew you didn't have a girl this year, and we didn't want you to be

for the holidays, so we decided to... Now, don't take that the wrong way. It's

better to have nobody than to have somebody who's not right for you. By the

congratulate me this Christmas. I'm going for it. No antidepressants.

It's too bad. I was hoping to have a couple on you.

I wouldn't do anything. I haven't cleaned up yet.

Hello there.

Oh, Mom, this is Celia.

Mom. Oh, dear sweet God. What a lovely surprise.

Drew, is this what I think it is? I'm so happy for you. You can finally afford a

cleaning lady.

Oh, good work, son.

Watch her like a hawk. They all steal.

Can you get a hanger for this, dear?

I guess I could.

Uh, Mom, Celia's not exactly a cleaning lady.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I suppose you don't like that term, cleaning lady. What do you like to be

these days?

Well, actually, Drew had a term for me that I really liked last night. What was

it, Drew?

Mommy? Daddy?

Celia's not getting paid to...

staying around here yapping. So I'll tell you what. Why don't you guys go

freshen up? I'll get your luggage from the car. All right.

Got something to read? Newspaper or something? It's in the bathroom. That's

boy.

Cecilia, it was so nice to meet you.

Drew, I know how you picked her. She reminds you of me.

Don't ask me. I'm just a cleaning lady.

Oh, wait a minute. Don't get mad. I didn't know they were coming over. I

prepared. I wish you could have told them the truth.

Oh, yeah? Well, let me ask you this.

You told your family about me? Yes.

Well, let me ask you this.

I'll get it for you.

Promise me you're going to tell them soon.

First thing in the morning. You just got to understand, my parents are really

conservative people. They don't like anything out of the ordinary.

Look through. It's your brother.

Who's behind that door? A sucker. I can't hear you! A sucker!

Oh, good evening, sir, and a Merry Christmas to you. We're from Mimi's door

-door Christmas tree service, and we noticed by peeking in your window there

that you don't have a tree.

So? So now you can buy one from us. No muss, no fuss, no pussy salesman.

I don't know if I can fit it in my living room.

I gotta try it out.

Oh, no problem.

Looking good, like taking candy from a...

Okay,

this might be a tough sale.

How can you possibly tell?

Fancy Porsche in the driveway?

Husband's having a midlife crisis.

Place the powder cake.

Hey, I can do that, too. Look, mailbox.

They get mail.

That's it!

I never want... I'm going to see you again. Never.

I hope you and my brother are very happy.

You know, sir, nothing spruces up a motel room like a nice Christmas tree.

Nice try, O 'Brien.

Okay, watch the master.

Hi, 10 % off for adulterous lovers.

Hey, Celia, where's that last piece of pizza?

It's right here.

Who are you? What are you doing here?

This is my mother's house. I came down to spend Christmas with her.

Who the hell are you?

Oh, sorry, I screamed right there. You must be Chip.

And there's a reason you're wearing my mother's robe?

Yeah, kind of funny story.

It was really dark in there. I couldn't find my pants.

Oh, my God, Chip.

What happened here?

Drew, are you all right?

Yeah. Trying to see if your son's fist fit my mouth pretty close.

Chip, I thought you said you weren't coming home for Christmas.

Yeah, well, I couldn't stand the thought of my mother spending Christmas alone.

I didn't know you were spending it with Mrs.

Doubtfire.

I should have told you about Drew. We met at night school, and, well, we're

seeing each other.

Drew, I'm sorry.

So, what's the deal here?

Are you buying him clothes, lending him money?

What, are you calling me a gigolo?

Yeah. Hey, you can't talk to me like that.

I can't believe this. I'm going to bed.

You'll never be my real dad. Never!

Judging from my son's reaction, perhaps we shouldn't tell your parents.

I've seen your mother, and she can kick my butt.

To tell them, Christmas Eve, we'll all get together at my house. Your family

will meet my family.

Everybody will get to know everybody else.

And then they'll get used to us as a couple.

Before you know it, we'll just start avoiding our family for the normal

I like the confident Drew Carey. Yeah, so do I.

Where'd that come from?

Must have been the blow to the head.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

When's dinner, hon? In a little bit.

Sir.

I think it's time.

Hey, Mom, Dad, do you mind having a feed? I've got to talk to you about

something. Oh, my God, you found out.

See, it could have gone either way, son, but we thought you'd be better off as a

boy. What?

George.

Now, what's your new group?

Well, it's about Celia and myself.

She doesn't really work for me. We're dating.

Oh, please.

Oh, he got you back, George.

You should see the look on your face.

I wasn't fooled.

I'm serious, Dad. We're a couple.

Aren't you going to say anything?

Well... I just hope you're ready to deal with the stares and the

whispers and the small -mindedness.

Because your mother and I can be relentless.

Please, George, it's not our place to say anything other than we are happy for

you. And that's exactly what we're going to say.

Oh, are you happy? I said we were.

Dad? What do you want? We're old. We don't do cartwheels. We're happy.

Courts go on the left.

Dresses go on women.

Hey, how's it going with Mom and Phil, you drew?

Great. They're like mafia wives. They're cooking and keeping their mouths shut.

I'm sure it'll all work out.

Oh, by the way, thanks for my gift.

What gift?

You're dating a 62 -year -old?

Goodbye, spotlight.

to hold everyone over till dinner. Try one of these. I call them angel wings.

They're Pringles.

I call them angel wings.

Care for any ho -ho -ho -ho -hos?

They didn't want us in the kitchen. They said we were in the way.

Uh -huh.

See? They want to be alone so they can work things out. It's all going

to plan. Drew, you're in total denial.

Right. It's my plan.

Look, I gotta ask you, son.

Why jump the gun with this 60 -year -old woman thing?

You'll get there, trust me.

I'm tired of waiting, Dad. I want it all now.

If you're as happy with Celia, who are we to judge?

Who are we to judge? What are you, an idiot? We're family, that's all.

Dad, could you just be happy for me and Celia? I brought her over here so I can

get your blessings.

You're right, I'm being selfish.

It's just that a man my age likes to live vicariously through his single

Holy crap.

We don't have to hold dinner for Chip. I don't know what's keeping him.

Shame. I'm sorry?

Traffic.

I know he was looking forward to this. I'm sure he'll be here any minute.

By the way, that's a...

Lovely brooch you're wearing.

Oh, thank you. I've had it forever.

I bought it at that old Mulroy store downtown.

Oh, I loved Mulroys. Broke my heart when they tore it down.

Oh, I remember that summer I was pregnant with Drew.

Hey, how's it going in here?

Smiles for miles, hon.

Smiles for miles.

Uh, Celia, why don't you tell my mom about Tommy McDick to moan?

I met Vic Damone.

Great story, huh?

It's all true.

Hey, everybody.

I just came by to say I'm going to be a little late for dinner.

Mimi and I are going to hide some trees.

Oh, man, I hope that's not a euphemism.

What's going on?

Oh, the details are boring.

Cops, permits, name calling, oinking.

By the way, who here hasn't seen Drew naked?

Sit up a little.

Well, I gotta go. See you, Mrs. C.

Bye, Mrs. Robinson.

If anybody cares, I'm starving.

Well, we're waiting for Chip.

Whoever that is, let's call him Chip.

Hey, everyone. Sorry I'm late. You know, I was actually running a little early,

but I thought, hey, that might be awkward. So, stopped at a bar.

I'm Drew's brother, Steve. Nice to meet you. So the guy sleeping with my mother

isn't the freak in the family.

As you can probably imagine, I have a certain amount of anger in me you don't

want to tap into.

Hey, everybody, chips here. They have a chip. Glad you could make it.

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, and as long as we're saying stuff, we don't mean nice house.

This is what we're waiting for.

Well, everybody, sit down for dinner.

All right, dinner and a show.

What's all about, huh?

Generations coming together?

I meant generations of parents and children, not Celia and I specifically.

Hey, everybody, look at the guy in the dress.

What's up, man?

Beulah, you want to make a toast?

Oh, yeah, fine.

Well, let's see.

And to a lovely Christmas Eve. Family all gathered together and a few extra

faces.

Drew's new girlfriend.

New!

Anyway,

we have a great deal to be thankful for. We have our health and lots of food and

a roof over our head. Don't forget air.

And air.

Oh, thank you, Chip.

So here is to Drew and Celia May the New Year. bring laws against this sort of

thing.

That's it.

Don't you think we know how horrible this is without your telling us? Don't

think I am embarrassed to be sitting at this table?

Don't you think that I hate that the closest thing I'm ever going to get to a

grandchild is you?

But...

my dinner.

Well, not bad, but it's still only 8 .30.

Most awkward moment prize is still up for grabs.

Wow.

Guess they found a place to hide their Christmas trees.

Unless your Christmas wish just came true, Speedy.

I'm sorry about the ship.

I'm sorry about everything.

Oh, hey, it could have been... Yeah,

I'm glad that's over.

I guess this is the way it's going to be.

You know what?

Who cares what other people think, huh?

We like each other, we're together, that's all that matters.

Hey, why don't we take a walk in the woods?

We'll have to leave a trail of clothes to find our way back.

Ooh, it's... cold out here.

See what we can do to warm each other up.

Ah! Dick!

When did Christmas get to be such a damn minefield?

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