Original subtitles

Tell me something honestly.

Am I on drugs again? Because this morning I could have sworn I saw you

out of a health club.

That's right, I think I'm swimming.

You? Do the other swimmers play in your wake like dolphins?

No, you could be a little more supportive if you don't hear me telling

firm up a little.

Well, I'd be at the gym, but I have asthma.

You big bully.

You started it, and I'm just... Don't you know I can dish it out, but I can't

take it?

Morning.

Stay away from Drew. He's in a mood.

Hi, buddy. Back from China, huh?

Yeah, took a few days off.

Had a little problem with customs.

Hey, guess how many body cavities the person has. You'd be surprised by the

answer.

Pretty good prank, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Well, believe it or not, China wasn't my first choice, but my cousin got fired

from NASA.

I gotta hand it to you, Mimi. It was quite a prank.

Quite a prank.

All right, I can't take it anymore. Where is it? Where's the payback?

Well, you know, to tell you the truth, Mimi, I was quite angry when I came in

this morning, but now I feel great.

You know, being in China, you pick up something from the people. I don't know

what it is. Maybe it's sin.

Maybe it's something else.

If you think we're even, you are wrong.

This is just for the little one.

You don't scare me.

We did a little, buddy.

What's that? Oh, yeah. I'm hungry, too.

Take the day off?

No, my boss told me he wants me to work out of my home.

Aren't you a waitress?

Cute, huh? I was out in the parking lot before I got it.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry to hear that. But hey, don't worry about it. Worst comes

worst, you can always stay at my place and I'll lend you some money.

Thanks, Drew.

Oh, my God.

What? This is the exact same conversation we had 16 years ago when I

from the Sizzler.

I haven't gone anywhere since high school.

No, wait. I had a boyfriend back then. I'm going backwards.

Come on, Kate. You've come a long way since high school.

How?

Well, let's think about that. Okay.

Uh, okay.

In high school, you didn't have a machine that would record television

for you while you weren't home.

Now you do.

Thank you. Oh, not that bad.

You know, you take away my job, and you and I are pretty much in the same place,

am I?

Oh, God.

Reminds me, the fosters next door are going on vacation. They got somebody to

watch the kids, but they need somebody to watch the house for them.

Why does that remind you?

You have nothing. They have everything. Just how my mind works.

So, uh, what do you say? Pick up a few extra bucks, get a nice change of

scenery? But who got to my place?

What about the naked guy across the alley with the binoculars?

He got married.

Coming.

Hey, Drew.

Hey. Listen, I fixed the gutter.

Turns out there was a beer can stuck up there.

And I fixed the snow blower. Turns out there was a beer can caught in the

intake.

I'm still not sure what's wrong with your water heater, but I have a little

theory.

Kate, do you remember Sharon, the tough -talking handywoman with the heart of

gold?

Yo.

So, Drew, did you torch true old town?

Down to the ground.

Got your blowtorch right here. By the way, a little safety tip.

When you light this thing, make sure this part's pointing away from your

Before I forget, I got us pool time for next Sunday.

Pool time?

Yeah, Drew and I are going swimming next week.

We're going to be workout buddies.

Yeah, last week I told him how much I love swimming, and he told me about all

his adventures as a lifeguard.

A lifeguard.

Yeah, Kay, do you remember when I used to be a lifeguard?

Oh, yeah, I remember that summer. It was unbelievable.

in the sun all day.

Lied, lied, lied.

Yeah, it was a great summer, wasn't it? Here's your blowtorch. And about that

house -fitting job, here's the neighbor's number.

And the phone card over here.

Thanks, Hasselhoff.

Drew, you are a good swimmer, right? I told you, I'm a regular Ethel Merman.

You mean Esther Williams?

No, Ethel Merman. Took a bronze at Munich, flipped off Hitler.

Okay, because I swim half a mile a day.

I need somebody to keep me motivated.

No work, they call me the motivator.

Refrigerator, whatever.

What makes me perfect for house -sitting is that I don't have a boyfriend, I

don't entertain at home, I don't have anyone to call, and I don't have a job,

I'll always be there.

Can you excuse me a second?

Hi.

Really? Oh, well, that's great. Thank you so much.

I got it. I got the house -sitting job. Thanks, Drew. Great. Good things are

happening for both of us.

Are you talking about Sharon?

I don't mean to burst your bubble, but what's changed since the last time she

said she didn't want to go out with you?

Well, see, now I used to be a lifeguard. Oh.

Wow. Great place.

I guess Drew doesn't live in a bad neighborhood after all. Just his house.

Do you guys need to pee?

Because there are two bathrooms.

Now you can both go at the same time without all the giggling and the

Kate. If we had a thousand bathrooms, it wouldn't change a thing.

Hey, check this out. I am the god of hellfire!

Isn't this house great?

I would die for a house like this.

It's got everything.

It got a man?

No. We better run because he's probably here to kill us.

I'm sorry. I should have rung the bell.

I'm Scott, honey. I'm here to kill you all.

Kidding. I'm a plumber.

Kate O 'Brien, the house sitter.

The house sitter and the plumber.

Don't you guys need to use the restroom?

I do. I don't. I'll wait.

What's with the flowers?

Oh, I had to dig these up to get to the pipes and just seemed a waste to throw

them away.

Would you like these, O 'Brien?

Thanks, honey.

Hey, she doesn't know she's watching you yet.

Excuse me?

Look, I'm sorry. I tried to call, but the line was busy. It's an emergency. My

father -in -law's sick. I have to get on a plane right away.

What? You're leaving them with me?

Look, they met you. They like you. They're great kids. It'll be fun. Oh, do

know what headlights look like? No.

Neither do I, but the school says there's been an outbreak. So if they

just burn all their stuff or something. Bye.

Hey, Kate, you're a mom.

Yeah.

And your kids have life.

You're a bad mom.

It's no big deal. Everybody at school has them. Oh, hey, I wouldn't be so

about it.

Sure, it just starts off as a couple critters, but then they burrow their way

into your body and start to eat your organs.

Before you know it, you're just a big, writhing bag of life.

Get off me!

Why did you do that?

If God is my witness, I honestly have no idea.

Kate, do something!

It's gonna be okay. These two idiots are gonna go to the drugstore and get that

special lice -killing shampoo.

Come on, Kate. You know that'll dissolve their brains.

I'm as shocked as you are.

Please, knock it off. I've got my hands full here. You're just making it worse.

Don't worry, Kate. You're not alone here. Come here, guys.

Let me see.

I don't see any lice here.

Unless... Wait a minute.

Is this a hairpiece?

Come on, let's watch TV.

You're good with kids.

Well, the secret is you gotta talk to them like they're adults.

Tiny, stupid adults.

That's nice, huh?

Yeah. Two kids, a woman and a guy she met 30 seconds ago.

Reminds me of my family.

That's 15 in a row.

Stop.

What are you going to do to impress these women?

Hey, guys. Hey.

Guess where we went?

Dating. Yeah, we all held hands and we played crack the whip.

We knocked down another family. It was an accident.

Right, kids?

I'm going to go to some tables, sweetheart. Come on, guys.

Sweetheart. I can't believe how close you guys are. You've been dating for

five days?

Yeah, five days and I haven't let him out of my sight once.

You know, if you cut the tendons behind his knees, he can't run away.

Don't worry.

Mommy's coming.

Brian, did you run around?

No, he's at the Y.

Oh, good, because I thought he might be right behind me, trying to kill me!

Where's the little plan he chased with a fire?

killed him. Want to be the new one?

Kids, this is Mimi.

Mimi, this is Scott and the kids.

Oh, bringing the kids to the bar, huh? That's nice.

How are you going to cap off the evening? Strip joint or cock fight?

Do you have numbers on your skin so you can remember what colors go where?

No. Did you hear that they found a Teletubby dead in a parking garage?

thinking maybe after dinner we could stop by the video store and get a couple

movies, you know, for when after the kids go to bed.

Yeah, actually, I was gonna have some beers with the guys tonight.

We have beer at home.

Yeah, but you haven't left me out of the house all week.

Okay, why don't you have a beer with your friends? I'll admit to having one

home and we'll meet up on the couch.

Gotcha. Same old routine.

I mean, tonight we celebrate our love.

Again.

Are the eardrops ready? Yeah.

Man, poor Drew. He goes swimming twice and he gets an ear infection.

Yeah, well, bacteria just love his orifices.

Drew,

pizza.

Pizza, Drew.

Pizza, pizza.

Pizza. I hope you know the bottle.

I'm fine.

Come on, Drew. If you don't take the drops, you could have permanent ear

You heard the doctor.

How could you understand that guy? He mumbles like he's underwater.

That's one.

Oh, you know, you think you're all right with something until you actually see

it.

Hey, Sharon, what's up?

Well, I got that part for your water heater, and you know how boring it can

after you've been swimming lap after lap, hour after hour?

Oh, I don't know. With me, after I swim two or three laps, it's like I'm not

swimming at all anymore.

to distract me like this swim radio. Check it out. You might want to get one

Sunday. Drew, you're not going swimming with that ear on Sunday.

It's just a little earache. I'm fine. Here, let me try it out.

Ow!

I feel good.

Okay, Drew, you don't have to act all macho in front of me. I'm the one who

installed all your nightlights.

Hey,

guys. Hey, Sharon. Hey, Kate.

Listen, I'm going to get started on the water heater.

And watch that ear, Drew.

When you get older, you don't spring back quite as quick.

Old? Let me tell you something. Come Sunday, when you look up in that pool,

you're going to see this old guy's butt.

Ugh.

Okay, where's the kids?

They left me.

It's a little kid. How far could he go?

No. God, he didn't come home last night. After everything we've been through, he

went out for a couple beers. He never came home. Well, where'd he go?

Home.

I always thought you were going to be the first one of us to go nuts.

Me too.

Guess I just got cocky.

Drew, thanks so much for babysitting.

Okay, the kids are playing upstairs. They go to bed at nine and no candy

dinner. Aw.

For them.

Well, that's sensible.

Yes.

Hey, I remember you and I cheered about this. Those kids don't like me.

I was out watering the lawn without my shirt on. They made a comment. It turned

into a big thing.

Come on, Drew. What's gotten I need more than anything is a night away from the

kids.

All right, you have a nice romantic dinner, and I hope you get some of the

back you had earlier in the week.

Okay.

Thanks, Drew. And here are their night things.

Wait, oh, oh.

Look at you, Drew. You keep falling down. You keep breaking your glasses.

you sure those kids aren't going to be too much for you? Oh, they took a few of

these things. Look.

It says, no operating heavy machinery, no driving, no alcohol. Oh, that's just

crazy.

See? Nothing about not watching kids.

Aw, you would have made a great dad.

I mean, you will. You will.

Hey, Uncle Jim.

What are these magazines I found in your bedroom?

Oh, my God. Don't look at me.

Oh, it's comic books. Go ahead.

Will you read them to us?

I can't. My glasses are broke. I fell down in the parking lot. They gotta have

railings.

Where? Everywhere.

So what can we do?

What? We're bored.

Why don't you just play with that new toy I showed you?

You mean the broom?

Yeah.

Satan this year.

The other one's like a teenager, doesn't even listen anymore.

Well, believe it or not, I came by to apologize for calling you an old man.

Hey, just a little ear infection. I'll be good to go tomorrow.

Go where?

On a bus trip to Branson?

Drew, there is no way we're going swimming.

But we have to.

Look, if this is about us being more than just swim buddies, I told you I

want to be friends. And that's not going to change.

Are you sure?

Good. Because that water is so cold and so long.

I can't help it if I have a hairy back.

Hey, sexy.

Wow.

See what you meant when you don't come home?

Yeah, how about that?

That's history.

Man, you look great.

And I love the candles, but your message said that we were going to play with

the kids.

Oh, we are.

Meet the kids.

I think maybe we should talk first.

Talk is cheap.

I guess this is, too.

You know, it just seems to me that we've both just been going through the

motions for the last two days.

I like our little family.

Kate, this is Mr.

and Mrs.

Foster's family.

Unless you killed them. I really don't know you.

I see where this is going.

But let me tell you this. If you think you're going to come crawling back to me

in a week, I won't be here.

I mean, literally, the job ends Wednesday.

Bye, Kate.

Take care of yourself.

Well, fine, then.

in your driveway, Mr. Johnson.

Hey, Drew.

Hey. What you doing?

Uh, seeing if Green Lantern's faster than the jet.

How you doing?

Oh, the kids keep me busy. Just say we went bowling, saw a movie, and had

Mark ordered for us. He's become quite the man of the house.

Uh, speaking of house, have you been home yet?

Drew? Home is where your family is.

Ben, I guess you haven't heard. I just got a phone call, and Mark and Cindy's

parents are home early.

Mom and Dad home?

Yes. Kids, we all knew this day would come. We have to be strong and cherish

memories.

Look at them run to hide the pain.

Mom, so are you going to be okay?

I guess.

I'm right back where I started, only now it's worse.

I had it all, Drew.

You didn't really have it all. You just kind of watched it all for people that

had it all.

You know, I get more than most.

I guess.

Do you ever worry that we'll never be happy for real?

No, I'm way past that.

I just worry about my parents going through my drawers after I die.

It's not like I'm asking for so much. A supportive guy.

Oh, come on. Who's out there, Kate?

A couple of mop -top kids.

Kate, Drew!

Come look at our snowman!

Do you want to go look at the snowman now, or wait till they pull their pants

down later just to get attention?

Ugh, too late.

Shh. We don't want to wake them up.

Hey, how do you know they're not our real parents?

Did you ever watch the X -Files?

We're not allowed.

Of course not. It explains everything.