Original subtitles

How'd you trip in? Was it okay? Was the traffic alright?

What time did you get up this morning? What'd you have for breakfast?

I had eggs. You like eggs?

I like mine over easy.

Get the hell away from me!

I guess this is you getting back at me for the fake, fake dog poop incident.

Yeah, I guess it is pretty lame. That's all there is to it.

My desk!

Ha!

Everything you got belonged to the company.

Actually, it's a cold cream pie.

Cold cream!

Uh,

just so you appreciate the beauty of this, Mimi, all of this was just an

elaborate ploy to get you to stand right there.

You were like angry, day -glow putty in my hands.

I'll get back at you for this.

From hell's heart, I stab at thee big!

You know what?

The best part? You can never top this as long as you live. Never!

I'm going to get the expense.

Look how elaborate this is. I've been here since 2 in the morning setting this

up. You can never top this as long as you live.

What are you going to do, huh? What? What? What are you going to do? Send me

the moon?

My head hurt.

How am I, man?

This is a big wall.

Hey.

Hey.

I don't know if this is going to sound stupid, but can you tell me where I am?

I don't know who Tim Badoni is, but I just want to speak Chinese, and I was

wondering what I was doing on this big wall, and why you're speaking...

Chinese. There is no way.

No way.

This is crazy. What am I, dreaming?

Okay.

That's Tim Badoni.

Listen, how could this happen?

I was at the airport, and I was waiting to go to Winnipeg on a conference.

A beautiful woman asked to buy me a drink.

Oh, what am I, crazy? Why would a woman ever buy me a drink?

Thanks for not laughing.

Listen,

if I give you my money or... Where's my wallet?

My passport.

What the heck is this?

Hey, Drew.

It's Mimi.

Now we're even.

By the way, you also have an anti -Chinese slogan on your back. You might

to take it off.

Maybe somebody around here can help me.

Timidoni!

Timidoni!

Tim!

Timidoni!

Timidoni!

What's going on? How come we're stopping?

Where are we?

Timidoni. Timidoni.

Oh, Timidoni. Ha, ha, ha. Okay, thank you very much. Thanks for the ride.

Timidoni.

Anybody here speak English?

English, anybody?

I need a phone booth.

I have to pee.

Those are two separate thoughts.

Do you speak English?

Oh, yeah.

Thank God you're here. I'm like a million miles from home.

You're from Alpha Centauri?

Yes. Now give me the phone before I blow up this pebble called Earth.

I'm sorry. There was a stone.

The phones do not work.

Oh, man.

I'm Drew.

I'm Ming.

Listen, can you tell me where the American Embassy is?

Oh, that's in Beijing.

It's 200 miles from here.

That's just great.

I guess I showed them.

I said I would die alone in my house.

Maybe I can help you.

Can you sell chickens?

Well, once at the fair, I beat one playing tic -tac -toe, so I know how

think. My father has a booth at the market.

You could work for the best money.

Okay. Sure.

Thanks. Come on. I will introduce you to my family.

We'll try to find a place for you to sleep.

Thank you.

Hey, listen.

Maybe later after the chicken shop closes, maybe me and you could get

Sorry, Joe.

I'm seeing someone.

Oh. Hey, two continents down, five to go.

Anybody find any clues?

Hey. Hey, here's the state plan.

Let's see.

Meet gang at Warsaw.

Meet gang at Warsaw.

Meet gang at Warsaw.

Can you imagine anything more pathetic?

Yeah, we're the gang.

Hi,

everybody. Beautiful day, isn't it?

Oh, my God.

She killed him.

So, Mimi, any idea where Drew might be?

Yeah, he's in... Winnipeg.

We called. He isn't there.

Oh, well, maybe he went out for a Chinese.

Uh, come on, Mimi. You know something.

Well, even if I did, I wouldn't tell you for all the tea in China.

Mimi, I didn't care to go over these files. When did you think he was coming

back from Winnipeg?

He's not in Winnipeg. We think maybe he's done something to him.

Why would I do something to Drew? Our relationship is so sweet.

Well, sometimes it's sour.

Good God, woman, you sent him to China?

See, he got it in one.

China. No, that's impossible.

Not if your daddy's got a trucking company that does international

Then all you have to do is ask your daddy's secretary to flirt with a geek

the airport, slip him a mickey. Next thing you know, he's in a crate of

Thighmasters on their way to China.

Ironic, ain't it?

My God, Mimi, that's kidnapping.

You could get into serious trouble.

Gary in China.

Excuse me.

Well, I'm sure he's bought himself a ticket and he's on his way back right

What else?

This is so good.

We took his wallet and his passport and we left him in the middle of China to

die.

At least we know he's in China. Now all we got to do is figure out how to get

him out. Right.

Wait a minute. How do you get a guy out of China?

Why don't we have the boys take her out back and clean her up for you?

You know, when you were first married, you would have bought one of these for

her, no questions asked.

How are you doing?

Terrible. I only sold one chicken.

And by the way, which Chinese for I'll take one?

Oh,

I guess I could have sold a bunch of them then.

How did you sleep last night?

I hope you didn't mind sharing a room.

No, it was fine.

I guess your grandmother loves your grandfather very much, huh?

Oh, I'm sorry.

All right. Although, towards the end, I got the idea they were just showing off.

Don't worry, Joel. You can stay as long as you need to.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm sure my friends are working on a way for me to get home right now.

Chicken! Check it out, huh?

Okay, thank you very much.

There you go. There's your chicken.

Thanks a lot. Okay, who's next?

Okay,

thanks

for stopping by. Watch out, I'm going to check now.

Good job.

Here's your money.

Oh, not much left.

The government should do take it back, don't you?

Be happy.

In three weeks, you will have enough money for the bus.

What?

I can't wait three weeks to get to Beijing.

I'd be happy to drive you. God sees too far.

Oh.

Hey, Laura, if I stay around that long, I'm going to fall in love with you.

Get in the car. We're going to drop all night if we have to.

Sorry, the embassy was closed, Jewel.

It's a holiday.

I can't believe it. Thanksgiving.

Everybody's probably got their pants unbuckled watching the Lions play

right now.

Wow, some holiday.

Yeah. Well, listen, I'll be okay. I'll just find a cheap place to stay and hit

the embassy in the morning.

I wish there was something I could give you to remember me by.

Oh, hey.

This is a very special gum. It actually cleans your teeth while you chew.

Four to five dentists recommend it.

Really? Yeah, well, you know, to the patients who chew gum.

Thank you. See you.

Hey, uh, where am I? The Forbidden City.

Oh, sounds nice.

Wouldn't you believe it? I'm an American, and it's Thanksgiving, the

embassy's closed.

I'm kind of new here in the Forbidden City, and I was wondering if there was,

like, a Forbidden Best Western around here.

Look, I have this much money.

Where can I find a place to sleep?

Uh, you know what?

Sleeping on the park bench?

I refuse to prove that guidance counselor right.

I've got to find a way to make some money.

Oh!

Okay, everybody, direct from Cleveland, Ohio, USA, it's the amazing Sacco and

Vanzetti! Woo!

Yay!

Oh, hey, Vanzetti, here we are in the Forbidden City.

That's right, Sacco, and woo, you smell like you've been on somebody's foot for

five days.

Achoo!

Oh, you like that, huh? Here, listen. Here.

Here,

watch this. Here we go.

Hey,

oh, hey, kid.

It's okay. Go ahead. You won't hurt my pride. Let's put money in the shoe.

look. Money.

Shoe.

There you go.

Oh,

shit! It bit my shoe!

Oh, hello, officers.

Okay, whatever you say. It's your thing.

Run, run, run, run!

Just kidding. They're socks, see?

All right, I'll come along quietly.

Ah,

Mr. Carey. I speak English.

How may I help you?

Oh, uh, yes.

Yes, sir.

Uh, look, I've been in this cell all day. I don't know.

what I've been arrested for, but if it's a crime to love this country, this fine

lady we call China, then I am guilty as charged.

This is not jail.

What? This is waiting room to get a peddler's license so we can do your

act.

You've been here all day for nothing?

Look, uh, I don't need a license for anything.

I need to get back to America.

Maybe I can help.

Let me see your passport.

Oh, I don't have a passport. I was drugged and put on a plane.

From America?

Why? It's kind of a practical joke.

Wow, good joke.

Look, I have to get in touch with somebody back home.

Can we please use your phone?

Against regulation.

You can't use government phone for personal calls.

If you send me one of those beaded car seat covers that massage your back, I'll

give you one call.

Hey, let me get out of this country and I'll massage your back myself.

Can't I even work one day without getting hit on?

Do you speak English or not, operator?

Look, all I'm asking for is the phone number to the Great Wall of China.

Oh, well, finally. Okay, go.

Jackass 5... Hey!

Hey, it's Drew!

Hey, where are you, buddy? I'm in China.

Yeah, I'm trying to get a hold of you guys. What are you doing at my house?

Well, we're using your phone to call every major city in China.

Okay, you have to listen to me. This is very, very important.

Stop it. I'm not made of money.

I'm sorry. Is that thank you in Chinese?

Listen, Lewis, I really need your help. I want to give you a number where you

can call me and get in touch with me.

Okay, let me get a pencil.

Hey, Drew, we've been up all night. What are you doing up so early?

Not early. It's like 6 .30 at night here.

It's tonight there already?

Quick, give me the winning Powerball numbers.

I'm on the future, you idiot. I'm in China.

You mean that.

Hello? Drew?

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Damn it.

I lost him. Did he say where he was?

No.

Well, I didn't want to have to do this, but my old girlfriend Samantha lives in

China.

Is that Samantha?

I saw her in the store just the other day.

No.

She moved to China.

Otherwise, we'd still be dating.

But I saw... No, she moved to China.

Hi.

Hello.

Oh, little Chinese boy stole my shoe.

Hasn't happened to me since I was 15.

By the way, happy Thanksgiving.

My mother says that today is the day you always count your blessings.

I have a shoe.

I have a bench.

I have an old woman.

That was a...

Tired, one -legged old man, I'd be really happy right now.

What is that?

Where'd you get that?

Oh,

man,

I don't know what to do first.

Kiss your freshly mopped floors or use your sanitized bathrooms with total

confidence.

Oh, is that it yet? I don't know what I'll do.

Hey.

Give me anything up there. I don't care.

Big Mac. Give me a Big Mac.

Not enough.

Wow. I never thought I'd use this in real life, but I will gladly pay you

Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Let me talk to your manager. Manager? I have a manager. Please.

I'm starving.

Hey, hey, kid. Look over there so I can see one of your fries.

I am the manager.

How can McDonald's help you?

I'm an American businessman. I was kidnapped by a Western devil woman and

to China without a passport.

I would like a free hamburger.

Oh, wait.

Let me look on the menu.

Nope. No free hamburgers.

How hard can it be for a multinational corporation with restaurants all over

world...

You can help me.

You can help me get back to America.

What? We can't help you get back to America.

We're just a restaurant. No, no, no. You're McDonald's. No, no, no. No, see,

listen.

McDonald's has always been there for me.

My first job was at a McDonald's. My last job is probably going to be at a

McDonald's. You can't let me down now when I need you the most.

Sorry. I cannot help you.

Scrub the bottom and top.

When you're finished with that.

Something I can do for you.

Here is the number of our customer service office.

I'm pretty sure they can connect you with the right people to get you home.

Oh, man, I'm going home.

Hey, can I have a free Big Mac, too?

No.

But you know what?

I will buy you one.

Just one?

All right.

Two.

Oh, it's going to make me awfully thirsty.

I'm starting to figure out why they kicked you out of America.

Grab those up and go for me, will you?

Because I am...

Chicken! Chicken! Check it out!

Chicken! Chicken!

Even anthrax can survive in the... We got the chicken!

Come on now!

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Ever afters, all you need is chicken.

Hey lady, chicken, come on! What do you say? Chicken!