Original subtitles

Here's your report.

Is that bacon in there?

Yeah.

Cannibal.

Did you eat a big bowl of ugly this morning?

No. Oh, yeah, you spilled it all over your dress.

Well, Rick, it's good to see you clean and sober. And we want you to know we

have complete faith that you won't fall off the wagon.

Thank you, Mrs. Laudato. See you later. Oh, by the way...

We have a new Winfred Lauder salute.

Good.

Bye.

Now you do it.

Right.

Very good.

As I said.

A sweet face in you.

Thank you, Mrs. Lauder. You're a very nice woman with unusually good hearing.

Thank you.

Carey, doesn't it seem to you that life is just screaming by these days?

Actually, sir, that was me you heard screaming.

No. I'm talking about how it's that time again. The time for you to pick the

Winfred Louder Employee of the Year.

Oh, why bother? It's such a waste of time. Oh, what are you talking about?

Well, let's look at some of the past winners.

Abraham Louder, Ezekiel Louder, Susan B. Louder.

Every year we make a list of five nominees, and every year Mrs. Louder

picks one of her relatives.

Why don't we just call it Louder of the Year?

No, we tried that during the war, but the Louders felt it took all the sport

of it.

Wait a second.

I think every Louder's already gotten the award. That means that for the first

time in the store's history, the best employee might actually get it. Hold on.

Mrs. Louder's grandson had a baby last year. That's Lindsay, right here.

Born in June, one in July. Got the trip to Hawaii, $2 ,000, and a parking space

right next to the store.

Well, then.

It's all up to you, Carrie.

Oh, hey, you know what, Drew? I think I might have made some typos in here that

form sentences that could be construed as insults against your mother.

So I'm just going to fix them right now.

Don't bother sucking up, Mimi. I'm not going to put you on the list.

I don't know. I'm good at sucking up.

Well, I'll tell you what. The day you kiss my ass and I fall for it is the day

put your name on that list.

And the day I have my ass removed.

Well, I'm not pretending it's going to be easy because you're one smart cookie.

No, I'm not.

Big dummy.

Well, you got me there.

Hey, good looking.

Hey, who's the hottie in the glasses?

I wonder who she's talking to because I'm certainly none of those things.

Dana, give up.

I'm never going to be employee of the year. You're just too darn clever.

Thank you, Mimi. It's about time you realized it.

I'd like to suggest that you get several estimates on a job that big.

You know what? I just realized something, Kate.

You and I are never really alone like this.

I wonder why that is.

I mean, it's always me and you and Drew, or me and Oswald and Drew, or

you and Oswald and Drew, or Drew and Oswald and... Shut up!

Oh, yeah, that's why. The sexual tension.

Thank God it's Oswald. And you and me.

Hey, how'd the checkup go, buddy? I'm in perfect health. The drug co -doc said

that there were no side effects from the breath implant.

It's good to finally have those things out.

Cut down on your shower time, I know that.

But I got another check for $10 ,000.

Another $10 ,000?

Mm -hmm. I posed for the drug co -calendar.

I'm Mr. October. I sat on a haystack.

You know what you should do?

You should turn this into cash, put it on your bed, and roll around in it

Yeah, I did that with a check.

Well, so now that your mom doesn't need the money anymore, what are you going to

do with it? Well, for the first time in my life, I'm going to pay back everybody

what I owe them, starting with you guys.

I've been keeping a list of everything I owe you.

For instance, Louis, December 13th, 1972, borrowed 25 cents for chocolate

December 17th, 1972, borrowed $1 .50 to see Poseidon Adventure.

Got scared, borrowed another $1 .50 to see the Aristocats. What? You even

attached a value to stealing my 7th grade girlfriend. How'd you come up with

Well, what do you think it should be?

$9? $8 .50? Okay. All right.

So why don't you tell us what you owe us, and we'll all split a piece or

something.

Well, Kate, what I owe you comes out to be about $4 ,000.

And, Lewis, I owe you about six.

What? Oh, my God, you took all that from me? I could have gone to college.

I mean, you could have afforded to go to college.

Hey, I have a logic problem for you. Oh, I love these. Go on.

Okay.

A man has a flat tire on a hill.

The jack gives way while he's changing the tire, and the car rolls down the

at five miles an hour, but the man can only run four miles an hour. How does he

catch it?

He does it! He waits for it to slam into a light pole, because I'm an idiot!

Oh, wait, it's knock -knock jokes I'm good at.

Knock -knock? Who's there? Shut up.

Yeah, Drew, so where's the car?

In the shop.

Again? Well, how long is it going to be there this time?

Well, it's hard to say.

According to the mechanic, he's not a fortune teller or a miracle worker. He

doesn't come to where I work, tell me how to do my job, and oh, yeah, he

need this today.

Well, this is your lucky day.

I'm paying back everybody what I owe them with the money I made for my man

boobs.

I owe you almost $8 ,000.

For what?

What are you talking about?

Come on, I didn't expect you to pay me back for all this stuff.

Be kind. Look at this ancient history. I don't even have to... Hey, you broke my

Stretch Armstrong doll?

Well, I just had to find out what was inside.

Look, I mean, you need the money more than I do, and you earned it, and I

take that from you. Just forget it.

Thanks, man. You're a good friend.

What a guy.

You know what we should do?

I'm not giving my money back.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I'll run away. You won't catch me.

No, I'm with Kate on this one. I mean, we didn't have this money yesterday, and

if we don't keep it, our lives aren't going to be any different tomorrow.

Let's buy Drew a car.

Yeah, since you put it that way.

You'll never get my money. So long, son.

I didn't actually give him the money yet.

Can I have my money now?

Promise I won't run away.

Thanks for the ride home, guys. That guy on the bus was starting to creep me

out. Now he wants me to look at him while he's groping me.

of bugs you've been talking about.

Yeah, and it's in my space. You know, someone that's always in my space. I'm

like, you just got a list? No.

Lewis has something to tell you. Drew, on behalf of all of us, especially me,

I present to you...

Ta -da!

Happy new car.

What is this, a joke?

You guys can afford this.

No, we used all the money Oswald was going to give to us. It's our way of

thanks for everything you've done for us.

What? What? This is crazy.

No, I can't take this.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. No, we didn't do it for the thank yous. You don't have to say

anything. Just the look on your face is enough.

If you're looking for an exhaust pipe to suck on, you can try mine.

Nice car.

I've been looking at these.

Well, for your information, this happens to be Drew's new car.

Have you sat in it yet? No.

Good. I want to smell inside before you queer it up.

What are you doing? Get your face out of Carrie's bug. We're late.

Late for what?

Taking Mr. Wick to dinner.

He's going to watch a bat fish from the river?

No. Now that he's out of rehab, he needs someone to hang with to keep him on the

straight and narrow.

Oh, you mean to butter him up so he can vote for you for employee of the year.

Don't you think he'd be smart for that?

Hey, good looking.

Yes?

I think I got a shot.

I just want to be Employee of the Year, right?

Now my boss is dragging me to these boring sobriety lectures and self -help

seminars. I mean, do you know what it's like to be stuck with some stranger

who's like, yapping on and on about something you don't even give a damn

last call.

So how come you got your tackle box with you?

It's my makeup case.

Well, you won't catch anything with that either.

For your information, Mr. Wick's dragging me to another one of his

the dangers of drug and alcohol at the teen center. But afterwards, I get to

give some makeup tips.

Oh, sort of a this is your face, this is your face on drugs kind of thing, huh?

I hope to be generous for like a year.

A Girl Scout came by today selling cookies, flipped her off, closed the

It's not great.

You know, another thing, when you do something nice, God does something nice

you. Like I was dropping off a package at the bowling alley today, and you know

that cute chain smoker is always there drinking during the day?

She finally agreed to go out with me.

You know when that's always asking, are you going to finish that?

That's the one.

Oh, you know. Well, he's right about what goes around comes around, Kate.

Bartender gave me back change for a ten, only gave him a five.

Yeah, Louis, you have to give that back.

No, God gave it to me.

Hey, there's the guy with the new bug everyone's been getting.

That's right, I got syphilis.

I'm glad you guys are here. You guys did something really nice for me.

Honestly, God, it was great. And I wanted to do something nice for you

too. Aw, buddy, didn't need to get us anything.

Teacher, teacher, you forgot to assign us homework. Shut up.

Kate, I know you're out of work, so I got you health insurance. It's prepaid

two years.

Wow. Yep. No more dating the stockbroker at the pharmacy every time you come

down with something.

And this?

I got you 250 shares of drug co -stock.

Technically, now you're your own boss.

Oh, wait a minute. I've been screwing around at work a lot lately.

Come Monday morning, I'm going to have to tear myself a new one.

And Oswald, I got you something practical, too.

Oh.

Faller Cat's going to play at your next birthday party. What?

Hey, I'll give them an extra hundred bucks to make sure they help clean up.

Right.

And if this was to cost thousands of dollars, where the heck do you get this

kind of money?

Look, I know you guys wanted me to have that car, but you need this stuff more

than I need that bug.

You sold the car.

How could you be so selfish?

Selfish? What are you talking about?

You did the nicest things we've ever done in our lives and you turn around

sell it? Look, I wore Brett for the longest month of my life so I could get

money and...

You do something nice for my friend, and what do you do? You throw my breath

back in my face.

I'm just saying, do you think that me having that car is more important to you

than all the stuff I just gave you? Yes.

Maybe.

This is great.

So, were they mad you sold me the car?

Yep.

So, was that right?

Yep.

So, do you want to buy the car back for me?

Yep.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Here's a piece of paper.

Write down a number that you think is fair and shove it up your butt.

So, you like what I did with your car?

Yeah, it looks nothing like a tiny German -made whorehouse.

Hey, uh, can I see a woman's earring back there?

Oh, it's too bad.

Judy got those from her mom.

Judy?

Yeah, when I first got the car, I had a date. We kind of christened it.

Oh, man.

One of three times in your whole life that it had to be in my car?

Well, you know, if you're that grossed out about it, you can always sell it

to me.

I told you I'm not selling you the car.

You know darn well I need to get that car back. Just how much do you want?

I don't want your money.

I want you to help me be the first non -Lauder employee of the year. And I want

to do my victory dance in Hawaii.

We can't introduce you to Hawaii. You have no natural predators there.

No trip, no car.

What do you want me to do? I already nominated you. Besides, the board makes

the final decisions.

Exactly. Imagine how swayed the board would be by an impassioned speech by my

sworn enemy.

Your sworn enemy? You mean good taste?

Yeah, I got a question about your resort. Does the Hawaiian getaway

include the luau?

Uh -huh.

Oh, are the rooms air -conditioned?

Oh, yeah, one more thing. Are the Cabana boys hairless?

Well, make it your business.

Well, aloha to you.

I'm glad you're back.

Louder, and a couple of the board members are in Wick's office.

As soon as they get out, work your magic.

You know, I've been thinking of good stuff to say about you all day.

Here, uh, look.

I made a list.

That's how we weaseled out of taking... the asbestos out of this place.

Uh, Mrs. Lowder, can I have a word with you and the other board members for just

a moment, please?

What is it now, Carrie?

Pushing for another meaningless adjective in your title? Fine.

You're the super -duper assistant director of personnel.

Uh, actually, it's about the employee of the year, Mrs. Lowder. I would like to

strongly recommend that you vote for Mimi Bobeck.

Bobeck? But you send me the same memo every week insisting I fire her.

Fire her like a rocket right to the top of the old company.

You hate her. You've told me that a thousand times. I personally spent two

talking you down from killing her at the last Christmas party.

I was drunk. I was caught up in the spirit of the holiday.

Excuse me. I'd just like to point out that if he does hate me, he must think

a really good worker to recommend me for the job.

I'm not into you two.

But I'll tell you what's gotten into me, sitting here day after day, watching

this woman work harder and more efficiently than any other employee.

And it's not just her work ethic, it's her funny demeanor.

I challenge anyone in this store to shine brighter than Mimi Bobeck.

Why, it almost hurts me to look at her.

Hey, look at me, I'm telling the truth.

Beautiful speech, Carrie, but it doesn't matter.

There's only one...

who's never won the Employee of the Year Award.

Me.

Congratulate me, everybody.

So, aloha, and remember, if I can win this, anyone can.

Carnival. Uh, Mr. Blatter.

Uh, okay, it's true. Me, Bubba, is a horrible person.

She doesn't deserve any award. I'd burn her like a witch if I wasn't afraid of

the fumes.

I had to say all that nice stuff about her because the truth is, she's dying.

I don't care.

Dying to get her hands on your boyfriend. So what?

And through him, your money.

My money?

Yeah, I don't know. It's something to do with computers. I don't know how

they're going to do it, but if you give me a couple weeks by myself, I'm sure I

can figure this all out. You need to send her away somewhere like...

An island or something.

Hawaii's an island, isn't it?

Mimi? Yes, Mrs. Lowder? I don't know what you've got on, Carrie, but it must

a doozy good show.

How would you like to go to Hawaii with me and be my spunky friend?

Oh, would I? You bet.

All right, I'm going to Maui with the boss.

I hope spunky friend is an old -fashioned slang for lesbian.

What the heck? I'm going.

Write me a check. We're done.

Good news, Mimi. Rehab called.

I've landed a plum assignment in their community outreach program.

I'll need your help this weekend.

Oh, no can do. I'll be in Hawaii trying to make some cabana boys into cabana

men.

Well, Carrie, heart loss is your game.

Starting this Saturday for the next six weekends, you and I will be forcibly

bathing the homeless.

Forcibly? Well, not all of the homeless. Just the 5 % of them that don't want to

be clean. Those are the boys we're after.

Boy,

that last guy sure was slippery, wasn't he?

It wasn't too bad combing their hair.

It was like playing with a big, dirty Barbie.

This thing's surprisingly roomy. Yeah, I loved it before, but now with Mimi's

additions, I love it even more.

It might be in bad taste if you were, say, in a funeral procession.

Only if they died in a fire.

or never alone together?

It's always me and you and Drew or you and Oswald and Drew or Kate and you

and Oswald.

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