Original subtitles

10 -foot pole. Why would you carry that around?

for Mr. Wick, huh, Larry?

How many times are you going to ask me that? Until it stops feeling good.

Last day filling in for Mr. Wick, huh, Larry?

Woo!

Well, at least I made it to the top.

You never had your butt kissed by 200 people, which is ironic because you got

the space for it.

Last day filling in for Mr. Wick, huh, Larry?

burn a flag, but you can do that to it. Doesn't seem right.

Mr. Wick had a hard time in rehab.

I'm just trying to make him feel at home. You know, if you were gone... If

were gone... Dear Larry, I packed up those important training tapes

you had in the bottom drawer of your desk.

I don't have any training tape. Oh, my poor...

My God, I harassed those women?

Welcome back, Mr. Wick.

Let me give you a nice big salute.

Yeah, that's better.

The good news is, at night, we get to fold her up and put her in a box.

Now, gather round, everyone.

Rally round the old flag here.

Now, I made gifts for everyone in rehab.

Everyone who came to visit me.

This is for you, Mimi. It's called a God's Eye.

For some reason, I thought of you.

Nothing says thanks for holding me while I sweated and puked like possible

fixing yarn.

Okay, you more than anyone were there for me.

I made you this.

It's a cubicle in a bottle.

the detail.

Look at his face. He seems to know that that donut will bring him no joy.

And Larry, how can I thank you for trying to steal my job?

Ah, yes.

With this.

It's a pair of underwear I found frozen to the road.

As you can see, there's little question as to why the gentleman threw them out.

naked on every surface of your office.

Toodles.

Toodles!

Did anybody give you any bad news, Scott?

There is no bad news when you're gone, Amy.

Good, you haven't heard.

I ran into someone you know down in bridal registry.

Guess who's getting married.

Who? I don't want to pull the trigger.

She's someone who dumped you and left you wallowing in a... pool of self -pity

so deep that it was Nikki!

Nikki! I'm getting married. I knew she was coming up

here. Crap.

My flowery build -ups.

Nikki.

Hey, Drew.

Almost didn't recognize you.

Boy, your hair's different. You lost all that weight.

I've been picturing a...

Whole other woman begging me to take her back.

You know, I'm sorry I came up here and blurted it out like that. I was going to

tell you about the wedding, and then I chickened out, and then Mimi saw me

downstairs, and, well, here I am.

This is a mistake. No, listen, I was trying to call you anyway. I mean, of

course, I hung up when he answered.

How come you never star 69'd me?

That's for when you don't know who it is.

It's been a while. I mean, I'm over that. No more thinking with my dialing

finger.

Hey, it was nice seeing you. Have a good wedding.

Thanks. You know, I would have invited you. I just thought it would be

incredibly awkward.

You know, like this, but with guests.

I'm kidding. I could go to the wedding of anyone I used to... I wasn't in love

with. Loved.

Duh. Duh, you're done.

Love. Duh.

Of course, I still love you. I just love you as a friend.

Duh.

It's really good to see you, Drew. I've really missed you. In fact, I miss the

whole gang.

I'll see you.

Three, two, one.

Gentlemen, start your blubbering!

Sorry to disappoint you, Mimi, but I can certainly handle this.

Oh, look into my eyes. and tell me you don't feel like crying.

There's not a man on earth that could pass that test for me.

I like the idea of putting our Halloween buzz beer into tiny wax bottles.

You know darn well it was me, mister.

Them tiny fighters.

Lewis!

Oswald, no!

Oh, no, no, no. You stay out of this, Miss Katie.

I got at least two ounces of beer in me, and I'm ready to kick about this much

ass.

You know, just wants to, like, come home to fire trucks in front of my house.

Oh, my God.

Vicki sent me an invitation to her wedding.

Oh, you want to talk about it, buddy?

I can't believe she did this. I told you I ran into her the other day. I mean,

she was a mess.

You're not going to go, are you?

I don't know. You know, it might not be fair to the groom.

I mean, he shouldn't be standing there thinking, oh, great, this guy was tough

with my wife.

And then Nicky's bound to make some comparisons. They might not be

To him.

Oh, yes.

Um, once again, you're not going to go, are you?

Well, she sent me an invitation. She wouldn't have sent me an invitation if

didn't want me to be there.

Drew, it's a courtesy invitation.

Nobody expects you to go.

It's like when you ask who wants the last piece of pizza.

It's not the same thing at all.

They'll be disappointed if I don't show up.

So, Drew, we've all been there, okay? Don't listen to that dumb little voice

your head that's saying, maybe you should go. Maybe you should go.

I mean, you've got to be curious to see this guy, right?

You're not helping, Oswald. He's going to go to this thing. It's going to break

his heart.

Yeah, yeah, and then you're going to grab the ring. You're not going to want

give it back. We're going to have to chase you around the boat.

He's on a boat?

Who knows he's on a boat?

Okay, we've got invitations, too, but don't worry, we're not going.

He didn't tell me he was on a boat.

We knew how excited you'd get, okay? But we're not going to Nicky's wedding

without Drew. I'll take you on a damn boat.

Yeah, well, a wagon ride in the backyard is not a boat.

Well, it's the best I can do. Well, I want to let him go get on the road. You

guys are right.

I shouldn't go.

But you should go. It's about time Oswald saw the world.

I don't know, Drew. What are you going to do that night?

Hey, that's two Saturdays from now. I don't plan that far ahead.

I'm the kind of guy that just picks up the remote, whatever happens, happens.

I gotta tell you, I was really surprised that you called, Drew.

I mean, you've been coming to that video store for like five years.

Well, you know, it's Saturday night and my friends are all at a function.

I thought, hey, who better than Margaret to take my mind off, well, you know,

all the things going on in the world.

Geez, it's kind of crowded in here. Think we'll get a table?

Nah. Hey, let's go to a wedding.

Are you okay?

Yeah, fine.

Just didn't know we were going to have to run for the boat.

And then leap from the pier.

Yeah, it was like we were Simon and Simon for a second there, wasn't it?

I think I'm going to get a drink.

Drew, what the hell are you doing here?

Well, I thought about it, and I didn't want to be a poor sport.

Besides, they'd be insulted if I didn't show up.

Drew, what the hell are you doing here?

Hey, Mrs. Pfeiffer.

Boy, you know, I wouldn't have missed this for the world. Your response card

said you weren't coming.

Oh, those...

Crazy neighborhood kids always getting my mail and changing my RSVPs.

I'm sorry, but we have no place for you to sit.

I'll just sit on this trunk over here.

She said, shall I invite him?

I said, sure.

He's not going to come.

Oswald, get me out of this trunk.

Hey,

how's the date going?

Couldn't be better. Good.

Excuse me. Harvey, just get a seat. Harvey, just get a seat.

The bar's open.

Well, unlocked, anyway.

Hey, uh, has anybody seen Nicky?

No. If it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding, I can

only imagine what it must be for the ex -fiancé.

Ex -fiancé?

You two were engaged?

Oh, fiancé, friend.

The important thing is I'm here with you tonight.

Margaret?

There's Nikki.

I better tell her I'm okay with all this stuff. She doesn't think I'm doing

anything crazy at our wedding.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi.

Dude. Just want to let you know, I've been thinking about this whole thing,

I'm fine with everything, and I'm really happy for you. I hope you have a great

life. I told you he was going to come.

Now, if you'll excuse us, that song only plays so long.

Okay, great. Go, go, go.

She dumped you, didn't she?

It was mutual.

You both hated me, and she's the only one that had the nerve enough to leave.

Attention! Attention, everyone!

Once again, may I present to you Mr.

and Mrs.

Chris Banjo.

Which was wearing me like a tux.

And three days after the wedding, she chops him into little pieces, puts him

a box, and mailed him to his mother.

Crazy kids.

Hey there, buddy.

Drew Carey.

Really, really good to meet you, huh?

Nice to meet you, too. Really good to meet you. Drew works at Winford Louder.

He's an executive.

Wow, hey, that's great. Yeah, yeah.

Construction. He's building our house.

Oh, you're building a house all by yourself, huh? Well, good for you. Good

you. That's great. That's amazing.

I don't think that's so great. Drew can put a fifth in his mouth.

That's pretty amazing.

Well, nice to meet everybody. We've got to mingle.

See you later, Drew. Okay, hey, still great with it.

Well, that was uncomfortable.

I've never sweated vicariously before.

You guys are reading way too much into this.

Frankly, I feel sorry for her. I mean, talk about your poor man's Drew Carey.

More like your blind man's Drew Carey.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to make a toast to my Nikki.

You know, we all worry that our little girl is not going to find the right guy.

She drags home all kinds of losers, characters,

near Drew Wells.

I mean, near Drew.

right choices.

Joke's on him, Drew, because he's seen his daughter's boobies.

If anybody else wants to make a toast,

now's the time.

Huh? No, no, Drew, no, no, no.

I'd like to make a toast, please.

Look, son, up to now, you've been a musing buffoon, but if you step over the

line... I'm going to kick you so hard we'll have to wait for your morning

to get my boot back.

By the time I'm done, you'll wish you had another daughter to give away.

Hello, everybody.

I'm Drew.

I've been trying to tell everybody how happy I am for Nicky and Chris.

I just want to say that I hope that one day I am as happy as they

appear to be tonight.

Peace. Wow.

Well, I'm just a working man, so I'm not really good with words. But if I could

just build on what Drew said, I wish you all the happiness that Nikki and I

share.

And I don't know who it was that wrote, but ah, if empty dreams so please, love,

give me more such nights as these.

Oh, wasn't it beautiful?

Anybody else?

No, no, no.

All right, let's turn off the waterworks and continue dancing.

to come to Nicky's wedding. Oh, no, Drew. I still think you can turn it

Hey, they just cut the minister in a closet with the best man.

And guess what?

People are still talking about you.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Drew.

Well, we'll leave you two alone.

I'm gonna use the head.

That's what they call a toilet on a boat.

All right, all right. I admit it.

I still have some feelings for you.

Really? What an excellent reason to have not come to my wedding.

Look, you know I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose.

I know that, Drew.

Listen, uh, there's something I want to say to you, and, uh, I couldn't tell you

in the office because I was too nervous, and I couldn't do anything on the phone

because this has been too crazy, but dump that guy.

Come on, you can come with me. It's not too late.

Come on, I got nothing to lose anymore.

I know I'm in a basket now, but I'm not going to be in a basket forever.

You've got to give me a chance.

Come on.

It's the last chopper on a Saigon, baby. Come on, let's go, go.

All right.

Now I'll tell you the tale of the slightly awkward wedding at sea.

The night was dark as pitch.

350 pounds he was, a great white.

Little doll's eyes and great big torn dream glasses.

And let me tell you a little something about Drew.

He eats and he swims.

That's all he does.

Except for the swimming part.

He fought that chopper.

Oh, how he fought that chopper all the way up into the sky.

So what happened to him?

They chopped him up.

And they put him in that chowder you're eating now.

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