Original subtitles

Hey, Trudy, scoop out my pumpkin now.

I can't believe you won't do that.

I'm not touching that goop. It's disgusting.

Pumpkin guts.

Pumpkin guts. Wait for me.

Well,

if it isn't the savages who still carve pumpkins with knives.

What's going on here? You're going to put the pumpkin's brain into Oswald?

All I know is you'll still be carving your pumpkin in an hour, and ours is

to be done in 30 seconds.

Your safety goggles?

Horrible weapon. I pray to God we never have to use it.

Well, no harm done.

Hello?

Hello? Uncle.

Yes?

What happened to your breast implants?

Did Draco take them out already?

No, no. My mom's coming here today, and I didn't want her to see them, so I had

Lewis tape them down.

That must have been awful.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

Wait a second. Is this the big day? You're giving her the money?

Yeah, I got the check from Drug Co. yesterday.

Ten thousand buck -a -roonies.

Man, ten thousand dollars just for a tested implant.

Why was I such a little girl? I should have done it, too.

You know, after your mom's done thanking you for saving her business, she's

going to want to know where you got the money.

Oh, I got that covered. If it comes up, I'll just change the subject. Try me.

All right, where'd you get the money, Oswald?

Hot today.

I'll give you a hug if you want, Mrs. Harvey.

Okay. But don't do that thing where your breathing changes.

I was 12 years old.

I think I was having an allergic reaction to your tight Angora sweater

plunging neckline.

I just lost the hug, didn't I?

Yeah. And one day I'd like the sweater back, too.

Mom, I got something to say.

I've solved all your money problems.

Oh, honey, don't worry. My money problems are over.

What?

I know this is going to seem sudden, but you know Henry, the orthodontist I told

you I've been seeing the last couple of months?

Well, brace yourself.

That's Henry's joke.

Whatever you're planning to do to help me, don't bother.

Well, you don't mind I didn't change after work, do you?

Uh, no, I guess not. But if you're uncomfortable, you know, I have my

pants in the car.

No, I'm fine.

The emergency pants?

Come in handy a lot more often than the players do.

Hi, guys. Hey, Lewis.

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

Are you wearing a bra?

Yeah. Oh, my God. I always thought it would be Lewis.

I did it as an experiment for drug co. I did it for the money, and now it turns

out I didn't have to. Oh.

Well, I like them. They're not showy.

They are when it gets cold.

Excuse me. The guy at the bar wanted to buy you a drink.

Oh.

Oswald, are you going to be okay with a guy flirting with me right in front of

you? Yeah, sure.

Sorry, but I was sending a drink to this lady here.

I thought I was going to feel terrible, but I feel great.

Sorry, honey, but I like a gal with a little meat on her.

Be careful what you wish for.

Okay, who wants to tell him?

I'll do it.

Uh, it's a guy.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. It happens all the time, and I take it as a compliment.

This was gonna happen. Oh, you were his boyfriend?

Drew, let me handle this.

I've got a black belt in karate and a matching bag.

Do not.

Okay. Just so you know.

I work 50 hours a week in a job I've been stuck in for 12 years.

I'm wearing a bathing suit because I'm out of underwear.

Worst of all, I'm not fighting for a wife or a girlfriend for my hairy big

brother in a cheap Chanel knockoff.

Want a piece of me? The kitchen's open, pal.

Then what? Let's just say the drink was for the bony chick.

And then we'll move on.

Drew, that was so gallant.

There ain't a man in this town who can lick the Carey brothers.

Remember how we, uh... Remember how we had that talk about how different things

have different meanings when you wear a dress?

All right.

Safety first.

Let's flip a coin and see who's going to be the designated driver.

What'd I hit?

Whatever it was, you weren't the first one to hit it.

Okay, here.

You know, I can't go to the workshop tonight. I have to go back to the hotel

talk to my mom first.

You don't have to do that. If you meet a nice girl, we'll explain what to do.

No, I'm worried about my mom. I mean, first she's losing her business, and

she's rushing off to marry some orthodontist. I met Henry. He's not her

My dad was big, good -looking, athletic.

Yeah, I used to wish he was my dad.

Until he opened that fake mobile mammogram center outside the mall.

Hey, any woman who thinks she's getting a mammogram from an overhead projector

in the back of a VW van needs to get her antenna up.

You want us to drive you back to the hotel, buddy?

No, I gotta think about what I'm gonna say. I mean, it's gonna open up a whole

can of worms once I show her what I've done for her.

What'd you do for her?

Thieves!

Oh.

Oh, my God, I'm getting used to them.

Wow, look at this place.

Where do all these women come from?

busted some girl thing overturned.

Hello?

Hey there.

Hey, Drew, you notice something?

Yeah, they're all guys.

What?

How did this happen? You know, you're home sick today. Your mom has to go to

work.

I wonder what her pantyhose feel like.

I don't know why you asked one of these freaks.

What does it mean if someone asks you if you're a tape down or a tuck under?

Hey, bro.

Notice things are a little more festive in here than usual.

Yeah, we really spruce up the place, don't we?

We're like wallpaper that's almost too much, but not quite.

Maybe you missed my point. How come all these cross -dressers are in here?

Actually, I told a few friends about our little incident the other night, and we

agreed. Hey, nobody tells us where to go or not go, so we're here.

Hi, I'm Vicki.

Standing up for your brother was really gutsy and damn classy, too.

Thank you.

So you're just here to make a statement, huh, Steve?

Well, we laughed and learned, didn't we?

I'm the next bar, fellas.

Last one out looks like a man.

Hey, what are you worried about?

You think I'm going to hold your beer out of reach like this?

I'm not going to jump up for my beer. You might as well just give it to me.

All right, all right.

Drew, we gotta talk. I don't like this war song.

Hey, none of us do, but these guys have just as much of a right to be here as we

do. You know, things change.

It's like that old video game. Remember, for the longest time it was Pac -Man,

now it's Ms. Pac -Man.

So, how's the fried cheese here?

You like fried cheese?

Anything fried.

My name's Drew.

Hi, Susan.

Are you from Cleveland?

Yeah, you?

Yeah.

Are you a man?

What?

Screw you.

Screw you. Did you hear that? Screw you.

Hey, Drew.

Hey. You know how you always said we should do cultural things once in a

Well, tonight we're all going drinking.

Yeah.

On one condition. We don't go back to the Warsaw.

Celebrity lookalikes are starting to freak me out.

It's like every Judy Garland has a drinking problem.

Yeah, and if I go home with a guy, I don't want there to be pantyhose hanging

the bathroom unless he's married.

If I go home with a woman, I don't want something hanging there I don't expect

to see either.

All right, but it's settled. We have to find a new bar.

Hey, hey, Mimi.

You're a night person for...

Obvious reasons.

How about telling us some good places to go up and drink?

All right, but just so you don't infest my watering holes.

You know, I hear there's... Hey!

I'm helping you.

Okay, I group these clubs by the type of people who go there.

How would you describe yourselves?

Oh, just regular people who like to drink socially.

Drunken yokel.

some questions about you guys.

Zero.

Below 20 ,000.

No.

Probably a little on the small side.

Okay, three places come up. The Warsaw Tavern, Mr. C's Southside Lonely Hearts

Dance Club, Some place called We Rent Boats.

Apparently they sell beer.

I just wish there was some way to get the Warsaw back from the transvestites.

How do you solve a problem like a bunch of Marias?

Hey, we've got to find a way to get some real women to come back.

How about a ladies' night?

Half -price drinks always work with me. And you know what the best part is?

When women are twice as drunk, they're half as picky.

Yeah, it doesn't help me.

Hey.

What happens when they're four times as drunk?

You know, I think that's a good idea. I'm going to call the workshop.

You think the owner's going to go for it?

He will when I tell him who he was making out with last night.

I love doing this with you.

That guy even gave me a tip.

Hey, he never gave me a tip.

Well, that's because you're not fit like your mom.

Which brings me to why I invited you.

Ma, I gotta ask. Are you marrying this guy for his money?

What?

Of course not. I love him.

Come on, Ma. I've seen the type of guys you date. They're all big, strong guys

who drive trucks and are very bright.

And those are the best times.

It's just that I'm at a different point in my life now. And what I'm looking for

in a guy has changed.

And you're not just doing this to save your salon?

Oh. You're jealous.

Stop it.

You're always going to be the main man in my life.

Ma, I got something to show you.

$10 ,000?

Just because you write $10 ,000 on a check doesn't mean it's worth $10 ,000.

That's good.

You're kidding.

Where'd you get it?

Actually, I took in a couple of orders.

Really? What are their names?

Well, I call them Oh My God and What Have I Done.

They're breast implants.

I volunteered for a scientific experiment.

Scientific! Oh, my God!

How could you do this?

Well, I did it for you.

It's the only way I could raise that kind of money.

Oh, oh.

Uh, okay, okay.

Just, just, just give me a minute to get used to this.

Oh.

Would you ever, ever do something like this again without talking to me first?

So you really love this Henry guy?

Yes.

I love you a million times more.

And I really appreciate what you've done.

But please, you keep your booby money.

This lady's night is a great idea. Look at this delicate red handprint on my

face. Wow, she must have been really disgusted with you.

Yes, she was.

Drew, ladies' night is pure genius.

I'm sorry, I didn't think of it.

Three beers, please.

That'll be six bucks.

You mean three bucks.

No way, pal.

Discount is for ladies only.

I may not be a woman, but I am a lady.

Well, let's not fool ourselves here. I mean, I could put on a brown jacket.

Doesn't make me a quarterback.

Drew, you're my brother. Back me up here.

Look, don't screw this up, okay? I mean, we're finally getting some real women

back in here.

Hey, maybe we can have what -the -hell -was -I -dancing -with night on

Thanks, you backstabbing little snot.

Come on, Mike, let's go. I mean, Vicki, I'm sorry. I'm very upset.

You know what?

You're a real idiot.

Well, I can't believe you're getting upset because you can't get a discount

couple of beers. It's not about that. It's about being embarrassed by my

in my own bar.

Oh, your bar.

This is your bar. Okay, fine. I don't need a bar.

I don't need a place to come drink and relax and meet women.

Hey, bartender, why don't you take my bad check off the register and put his

there because it's his bar now.

I knew I'd find you out here spelching.

Can't talk now. I'm playing pool.

Playing ankle?

Yes.

Not anymore.

Playing seven ball.

Playing rake ball.

Now, stop it!

We have to talk about this.

That ladies' night thing was a deliberate attack on me.

It wasn't an attack on you.

I miss the old Warsaw, okay? I can't drink at home the way I drink there. It

would make me an alcoholic.

Like hell.

You're embarrassed I'm a cross -dresser.

Yeah, no kidding.

You're still my brother.

You know, if you remember, I'm the one that got you the job at Winfrey Louder.

I'm the one who defended you at the Warsaw.

I even bought you that stupid beret you're wearing for a birthday present.

Not about that at all.

About the Frankenstein mask.

The what?

The mask!

The mask I ordered from Famous Monsters Magazine.

I wanted to wear it for Halloween. You took it. Screw.

That mask was too big for you. You couldn't even see. Mom and Dad were

you'd be hit by a car. By the way, that was 30 years ago.

I can see through the hole in the nose. I can see through the hole in the nose.

I was Frankenstein in that mask. I was somebody.

Well, if you have to dress up to get attention, well, let's move on to

else.

Yeah, okay.

Let's move on to when I was 10 years old and I started the Drew Carey Club.

Remember that?

The only thing you had to do to be in the club was be Drew Carey.

Somehow, you became the president and kicked me out.

with the Warsaw. Every time you see someone lying to you on your... Well,

how was I supposed to know this was how you felt? You should have said

something.

Well, if you're doing this... Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

There you go again, taking my sorry.

You're nuts.

No, you're taking my anger. That's my anger.

All right, this stops right now.

Just take something of mine, anything you want to even it up.

All right.

I want your name. I don't want to be Drew Carey anymore. I want to be Steve

Carey. You can have it.

But it comes with a police record and lousy credit.

All right, then. I want your umbrella.

And I want you to stand out here in the rain until I tell you it's okay to come

in.

Well, if that'll make you happy, fine.

Well, thank you.

See right through your dress, you triangle.

Are we ready?

I just want you to know that we're about to change the world.

Okay? Get ready for one second toast.

That third piece went right through the wall and knocked him out cold.

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