All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s04e04 Drew Between The Rock And A Hard Place

I can't thank you all enough for coming
to visit me in rehab.

Oh, this place is pretty nice, huh?

It's better than our apartment.

You think what I'm thinking? We live
worse than junkies?

Not all rehab centers are like this.
This is one of the best. It's such a

joint. Yesterday we had wet t -shirt
night.

Well, that woman over there had night
sweats.

Hey, Matty.

I just call her that because her hair's
all muddy.

Now, listen, your only job now is to get
better. Don't even worry about the

store. I won't have to. I'll be there.

So long, crackhead. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can't go

You've got a big problem, my friend,
huh?

What a night that must have been, huh?

See, I'm fine.

I saw an empty beer can. It didn't even
occur to me to crack it open and slowly

lick out the entire inside.

Here, let me throw that out for you.
It's part of my getting humble.

Oh, that's all right. I can do it. Hey,

you're embarrassing yourselves in front
of the crackheads.

Have it your way.

But you can't imagine what hell this is,
not least of which is having people who

once respected me looking at me with
downcast eyes.

It's because your robe is open.

Sorry.

Close it up, will you?

Would you guys excuse us for a second,
please?

Might as well. Curtain down, show's
over.

Mr. Wick, you've got to hang in there
and finish this program, because if you

don't, Mrs. Lowder's going to fire you.

Haven't you ever been tempted with drugs
from some of your rock and roll

friends?

Fans that are friended by an accordion
really don't do a lot of drugs.

You realize you had your appendix out.

Hey, Drew, you know that old drunk at
the Warsaw that gets so blitzed that

night at 7 o 'clock he buys the house a
round?

What, he's here? No, no, it's almost 7 o
'clock. Come on, let's go.

Think about the sacrifices that I've
made for you.

Think about the good times that I've put
you through.

Think about the times.

that I spend with you.

Come on, sugar, and think.

Think about the good things.

Think about the bad things.

Think about the right things.

Think about the wrong things. Later,
before you leave me, you realize that

the one.

You're late.

I had a hard time getting out of bed
this morning.

Remember, lift with the knees.

You know, Mimi, I had such a good time
playing with my band last night that

seeing you can't affect it.

Okay, that's not true.

I told you, Larry, I have made up my
mind. No.

It's not fair. I want that job.

I can't give it to you.

What if I fed that in the hot tub last
night?

You're acting like a child.

Compared to you, everyone's a child.

Uh, excuse me for speaking out of turn,
Mrs. Lauder, but it's not exactly

dignified to come into my cubicle
arguing with your balding concubine.

At any rate, I brought good news. As you
know, Mr.

Wick is in the junkie bin.

And we need a temporary replacement, so
Carrie, lose the fat daddy -o look,

and you've got the job.

This is just great. I slept Carrie's way
to the top.

Listen, you can stop your bickering,
okay? I don't want the job.

What? Why?

I got a lot of stuff going on in my life
right now. He doesn't want it. Can I

have it? Come on, baby. Don't I do you
right?

All right, Larry.

But my reputation's riding on this.

Don't embarrass me.

Okay, what's a scam, Carrie?

Why'd you turn it down? What do you know
that I don't know? About a hundred

Larry and Mrs. Lauder jokes for one
thing.

You know why I turned on the job?
Because this place isn't my life

My music is.

Well, I understand what you're going
through, Drew.

Last summer, I was doing amateur porn.

And damn it, Carrie, I was good.

Oh, my God, that was you.

Hey, did you hear? I'm taking over for
Wick.

Whatever I say, you gotta do.

Yes, sir. You say jump, I say how high
would I have to be to take orders from

you?

See you later, crap with feet.

Look at me.

I'm 53.

The factory has got the best of me.

In Cleveland, Ohio.

Got a mortgage to pay. I got a lawn to
mow.

In Cleveland, Ohio.

Jeans of blue.

Waste 42.

My baseball cap has Chief Wahoo in

Cleveland, Ohio.

Humidity is up around 90 or so in
Cleveland,

Ohio.

And when my workday's through, I...

Barbecue, put the kids to bed and make
love to you.

We're leaving Ohio.

I was born there.

I'll probably die there.

Hope it doesn't snow.

In Cleveland, Ohio.

I have a special message here from the
management.

There's an infection in the waiting
pool, so please keep your children out

the next 48 hours.

Good night, Cleveland!

Ah, Nick.

I drank out of that pool.

Your new hair and beard make you look 30
years younger.

Hey, how old do you think I am?

Hey, Kate, how's the job going?

Octoon, I'm your uber -brow girl.

Would you like something that goes down
easy for a buck?

Who's wench over here?

Oh, hey, listen, buddy.

I don't want to hear any more sexist,
degrading terms like... This booze wench

is okay.

At least hookers get to lie down and
take their shoes off.

Meet me at my table. Who's this from?

That's so cool. You have a guy groupie.

What if one thing leads to another? What
if next thing you know we're in his

hotel room taking pictures for the album
cover, we're playing Twister and... I

think you've put way more thought into
this than he has. Let's just go talk to

him.

Hi.

I'm Drew. This is my girlfriend, Darcy.

You know what I do, Drew?

Yeah.

It doesn't sound too bad. It's just the
kissing that bothers me, really.

I was interested in signing the band.

What the hell are you talking about?

What, you're not a gay groupie?

Oh, you're probably from the record
label. You want a size dual contract.

Hey, guys, come here.

Okay, not exactly. I put bands for the
Ramadas of Ohio.

I just wanted to hire you guys to do the
circuit.

What do you mean, just in Ohio?

Yeah.

Just the Ramadas?

Yeah.

Remember I said if things work out, that
I'd be able to quit Winford Louder?

Well, the horn dogs, they're going on
tour.

Wait a second, you're quitting Winford
Louder?

For what? You think you're going to
become a rock star?

Well, I mean, not a star, probably. I
mean, it's up to the public.

Be careful following your dreams, Drew.
Sometimes you end up looking like a

German slut and getting pinched in the
ass.

Hey, that's the album cover.

Drinks in the house, everybody.

Hey, congratulations, Gary.

Mr. Wick, what are you doing out of
rehab?

That's what I came to talk to you about.
They kicked me out. Apparently

someone's changed the store's health
insurance.

I'm not covered anymore.

Oh, man. Larry must have screwed with
the benefits.

Larry?

Mrs. Louder's Midnight Cowboy?

Oh, that is just great.

Now I gotta go in there and clean up
somebody else's mess?

Huh. Why should my last day be any
better than my first? The great circle

crap is complete.

Yeah, that's right. He belongs to our
best friend and he's missing. I think he

dug his way under the fence to get out.

Yeah.

Never mind. We found him.

I don't care if Kerry told you to look
after me. I can go for a walk if I want

to. He was at the high school screaming
for drugs.

All right. Well, now you're staying here
until Drew gets you into rehab. If we

have to, we'll handcuff you to the
furniture.

Oh, you have to.

I'm almost grossed out enough to use
Drew's shower.

Hey, you know, we're only doing this
because Drew made a promise to take care

you, and he tricked us into doing it for
him. Yeah, you're not half as funny as

Dudley Moore.

Well, good news, boys. It's almost the
magic hour.

Magic hour? What's that?

Well, once you make it 36 hours without
drugs, the craving stops.

Three, two, one.

Oh, that's better. What was I thinking?

Drugs are bad.

Well, thank you, boys. I couldn't have
done it without you.

Wait a minute. It hasn't been 36 hours.
You were drunk last night. That's right,

horse head. Catch me if you can.

Come on, Mr. Wick.

Hello.

Yeah, just a minute.

Some guy named Hector says you beeped
him?

Oh, yes.

He's my stockbroker.

Wait a minute. He's not my stockbroker.
He's my drug dealer.

And I don't need his poison anymore.
Tell him he can take his drugs and...

wait. I'll tell him myself.

Listen to your death, merchant.

You can take your devil's candy, about
an eight balls worth, and throw it in

trash.

The trash is the corner of Eucalypt and
55th, about four o 'clock this

afternoon.

That took guts.

Come here.

Mimi, where's Larry? I gotta see him
right away.

Mimi?

If you're a freak show and you know it,
just keep typing.

I know you're there. These things don't
block out smell.

You know what? I hope the smell lingers.
This isn't my last day.

Well,

your lips say goodbye, but your ass
says, I'm still here.

Sue, when did you have the baby?

This morning.

Why didn't you take Wick's job? Larry
messed with our medical insurance and

sent me right back to work.

Larry's here.

By the way, from now on, I'll be
referring to myself in the third person.

used to it.

Larry doesn't like this.

I can't believe you ruined my benefits
package.

Big deal. I just changed your major
medical to an HMO.

An HMO?

Yeah. So?

So? I worked like a dog for years to
keep HMOs out of here. Look, I had no

choice. I needed to butter up Lauda with
a gift so I could keep work's job, and

the 100 Gs had to come out of somewhere.

$100 ,000?

Yeah. For that kind of money, you could
have run off with someone who could

still run. What the hell did you get
her?

Skybox at Jacobs Field.

Oh, really?

With the leather seats and the TV and
the dessert carton? Yeah, and a private

bathroom. You can leave the door open,
and if you time it right, it's like

they're cheering just for you.

When you mess with a lot of people's
lives here, the least you owe them is an

explanation.

You're right.

Excuse me, everyone.

I'd like to address your concerns about
my new policies.

Don't care, don't have to.

They can't stay in there forever.

Eventually Mrs. Lauder's going to want
them to go antiquing. Do you know what I

mean?

Look, everybody, I'm really sorry, but
Larry screwed up the budget, and now we

can't afford anything but an HMO, and
there's nothing I can do.

What are you doing?

You quitting on us? I'm sorry.

Come on, Drew. You got us this plan in
the first place. You gotta help us get

back.

Oh, cripes. The one time I don't want
you to quit.

Damn your eyes for making me say this.

Stay.

Look, everybody, I can't do it. You'd
have to go through a mind -numbing

of paperwork, pouring through the
budget, item by item, trying to find

thousands of dollars, penny by penny.
Drew, you thrive on tedium. I've seen

giggle over the Xerox manual.

It's a gift, Drew.

Just give us one more day.

Just one more.

Johnson,

get my lumbar pillow. I'm going to be
doing some sitting.

Thanks for staying. This is going to be
our last set of the night.

Actually, it'll be our last set here for
a while because the Horned Dogs are

going on a tour of all the Ramada Inns
in Ohio.

Actually, it's pretty cool, and I've
been thinking about it and everything,

I don't think I'm going to be going with
them.

What?

Yeah, you know, I realize I'm never
going to be a great musician, but I am

at something else. I'm not going to tell
you guys what because you wouldn't

understand, but...

A lot of people depend on me, and nobody
does what I do exactly the way I do it.

How many people can say that, huh?

Now, if you guys aren't too mad at me,
if you don't mind, I'd just

appreciate it if you just played me off.

We'll miss you, big guy.

a surprise for us.

Kind of a relief, too, because we were
going to dump him before the tour.

You know what a coincidence our new lead
singer's here tonight.

Weird Al, come on up!

the James Gang.