Original subtitles

I can't thank you all enough for coming to visit me in rehab.

Oh, this place is pretty nice, huh?

It's better than our apartment.

You think what I'm thinking? We live worse than junkies?

Not all rehab centers are like this. This is one of the best. It's such a

joint. Yesterday we had wet t -shirt night.

Well, that woman over there had night sweats.

Hey, Matty.

I just call her that because her hair's all muddy.

Now, listen, your only job now is to get better. Don't even worry about the

store. I won't have to. I'll be there.

So long, crackhead. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can't go

You've got a big problem, my friend, huh?

What a night that must have been, huh?

See, I'm fine.

I saw an empty beer can. It didn't even occur to me to crack it open and slowly

lick out the entire inside.

Here, let me throw that out for you. It's part of my getting humble.

Oh, that's all right. I can do it. Hey,

you're embarrassing yourselves in front of the crackheads.

Have it your way.

But you can't imagine what hell this is, not least of which is having people who

once respected me looking at me with downcast eyes.

It's because your robe is open.

Sorry.

Close it up, will you?

Would you guys excuse us for a second, please?

Might as well. Curtain down, show's over.

Mr. Wick, you've got to hang in there and finish this program, because if you

don't, Mrs. Lowder's going to fire you.

Haven't you ever been tempted with drugs from some of your rock and roll

friends?

Fans that are friended by an accordion really don't do a lot of drugs.

You realize you had your appendix out.

Hey, Drew, you know that old drunk at the Warsaw that gets so blitzed that

night at 7 o 'clock he buys the house a round?

What, he's here? No, no, it's almost 7 o 'clock. Come on, let's go.

Think about the sacrifices that I've made for you.

Think about the good times that I've put you through.

Think about the times.

that I spend with you.

Come on, sugar, and think.

Think about the good things.

Think about the bad things.

Think about the right things.

Think about the wrong things. Later, before you leave me, you realize that

the one.

You're late.

I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning.

Remember, lift with the knees.

You know, Mimi, I had such a good time playing with my band last night that

seeing you can't affect it.

Okay, that's not true.

I told you, Larry, I have made up my mind. No.

It's not fair. I want that job.

I can't give it to you.

What if I fed that in the hot tub last night?

You're acting like a child.

Compared to you, everyone's a child.

Uh, excuse me for speaking out of turn, Mrs. Lauder, but it's not exactly

dignified to come into my cubicle arguing with your balding concubine.

At any rate, I brought good news. As you know, Mr.

Wick is in the junkie bin.

And we need a temporary replacement, so Carrie, lose the fat daddy -o look,

and you've got the job.

This is just great. I slept Carrie's way to the top.

Listen, you can stop your bickering, okay? I don't want the job.

What? Why?

I got a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. He doesn't want it. Can I

have it? Come on, baby. Don't I do you right?

All right, Larry.

But my reputation's riding on this.

Don't embarrass me.

Okay, what's a scam, Carrie?

Why'd you turn it down? What do you know that I don't know? About a hundred

Larry and Mrs. Lauder jokes for one thing.

You know why I turned on the job? Because this place isn't my life

My music is.

Well, I understand what you're going through, Drew.

Last summer, I was doing amateur porn.

And damn it, Carrie, I was good.

Oh, my God, that was you.

Hey, did you hear? I'm taking over for Wick.

Whatever I say, you gotta do.

Yes, sir. You say jump, I say how high would I have to be to take orders from

you?

See you later, crap with feet.

Look at me.

I'm 53.

The factory has got the best of me.

In Cleveland, Ohio.

Got a mortgage to pay. I got a lawn to mow.

In Cleveland, Ohio.

Jeans of blue.

Waste 42.

My baseball cap has Chief Wahoo in

Cleveland, Ohio.

Humidity is up around 90 or so in Cleveland,

Ohio.

And when my workday's through, I...

Barbecue, put the kids to bed and make love to you.

We're leaving Ohio.

I was born there.

I'll probably die there.

Hope it doesn't snow.

In Cleveland, Ohio.

I have a special message here from the management.

There's an infection in the waiting pool, so please keep your children out

the next 48 hours.

Good night, Cleveland!

Ah, Nick.

I drank out of that pool.

Your new hair and beard make you look 30 years younger.

Hey, how old do you think I am?

Hey, Kate, how's the job going?

Octoon, I'm your uber -brow girl.

Would you like something that goes down easy for a buck?

Who's wench over here?

Oh, hey, listen, buddy.

I don't want to hear any more sexist, degrading terms like... This booze wench

is okay.

At least hookers get to lie down and take their shoes off.

Meet me at my table. Who's this from?

That's so cool. You have a guy groupie.

What if one thing leads to another? What if next thing you know we're in his

hotel room taking pictures for the album cover, we're playing Twister and... I

think you've put way more thought into this than he has. Let's just go talk to

him.

Hi.

I'm Drew. This is my girlfriend, Darcy.

You know what I do, Drew?

Yeah.

It doesn't sound too bad. It's just the kissing that bothers me, really.

I was interested in signing the band.

What the hell are you talking about?

What, you're not a gay groupie?

Oh, you're probably from the record label. You want a size dual contract.

Hey, guys, come here.

Okay, not exactly. I put bands for the Ramadas of Ohio.

I just wanted to hire you guys to do the circuit.

What do you mean, just in Ohio?

Yeah.

Just the Ramadas?

Yeah.

Remember I said if things work out, that I'd be able to quit Winford Louder?

Well, the horn dogs, they're going on tour.

Wait a second, you're quitting Winford Louder?

For what? You think you're going to become a rock star?

Well, I mean, not a star, probably. I mean, it's up to the public.

Be careful following your dreams, Drew. Sometimes you end up looking like a

German slut and getting pinched in the ass.

Hey, that's the album cover.

Drinks in the house, everybody.

Hey, congratulations, Gary.

Mr. Wick, what are you doing out of rehab?

That's what I came to talk to you about. They kicked me out. Apparently

someone's changed the store's health insurance.

I'm not covered anymore.

Oh, man. Larry must have screwed with the benefits.

Larry?

Mrs. Louder's Midnight Cowboy?

Oh, that is just great.

Now I gotta go in there and clean up somebody else's mess?

Huh. Why should my last day be any better than my first? The great circle

crap is complete.

Yeah, that's right. He belongs to our best friend and he's missing. I think he

dug his way under the fence to get out.

Yeah.

Never mind. We found him.

I don't care if Kerry told you to look after me. I can go for a walk if I want

to. He was at the high school screaming for drugs.

All right. Well, now you're staying here until Drew gets you into rehab. If we

have to, we'll handcuff you to the furniture.

Oh, you have to.

I'm almost grossed out enough to use Drew's shower.

Hey, you know, we're only doing this because Drew made a promise to take care

you, and he tricked us into doing it for him. Yeah, you're not half as funny as

Dudley Moore.

Well, good news, boys. It's almost the magic hour.

Magic hour? What's that?

Well, once you make it 36 hours without drugs, the craving stops.

Three, two, one.

Oh, that's better. What was I thinking?

Drugs are bad.

Well, thank you, boys. I couldn't have done it without you.

Wait a minute. It hasn't been 36 hours. You were drunk last night. That's right,

horse head. Catch me if you can.

Come on, Mr. Wick.

Hello.

Yeah, just a minute.

Some guy named Hector says you beeped him?

Oh, yes.

He's my stockbroker.

Wait a minute. He's not my stockbroker. He's my drug dealer.

And I don't need his poison anymore. Tell him he can take his drugs and...

wait. I'll tell him myself.

Listen to your death, merchant.

You can take your devil's candy, about an eight balls worth, and throw it in

trash.

The trash is the corner of Eucalypt and 55th, about four o 'clock this

afternoon.

That took guts.

Come here.

Mimi, where's Larry? I gotta see him right away.

Mimi?

If you're a freak show and you know it, just keep typing.

I know you're there. These things don't block out smell.

You know what? I hope the smell lingers. This isn't my last day.

Well,

your lips say goodbye, but your ass says, I'm still here.

Sue, when did you have the baby?

This morning.

Why didn't you take Wick's job? Larry messed with our medical insurance and

sent me right back to work.

Larry's here.

By the way, from now on, I'll be referring to myself in the third person.

used to it.

Larry doesn't like this.

I can't believe you ruined my benefits package.

Big deal. I just changed your major medical to an HMO.

An HMO?

Yeah. So?

So? I worked like a dog for years to keep HMOs out of here. Look, I had no

choice. I needed to butter up Lauda with a gift so I could keep work's job, and

the 100 Gs had to come out of somewhere.

$100 ,000?

Yeah. For that kind of money, you could have run off with someone who could

still run. What the hell did you get her?

Skybox at Jacobs Field.

Oh, really?

With the leather seats and the TV and the dessert carton? Yeah, and a private

bathroom. You can leave the door open, and if you time it right, it's like

they're cheering just for you.

When you mess with a lot of people's lives here, the least you owe them is an

explanation.

You're right.

Excuse me, everyone.

I'd like to address your concerns about my new policies.

Don't care, don't have to.

They can't stay in there forever.

Eventually Mrs. Lauder's going to want them to go antiquing. Do you know what I

mean?

Look, everybody, I'm really sorry, but Larry screwed up the budget, and now we

can't afford anything but an HMO, and there's nothing I can do.

What are you doing?

You quitting on us? I'm sorry.

Come on, Drew. You got us this plan in the first place. You gotta help us get

back.

Oh, cripes. The one time I don't want you to quit.

Damn your eyes for making me say this.

Stay.

Look, everybody, I can't do it. You'd have to go through a mind -numbing

of paperwork, pouring through the budget, item by item, trying to find

thousands of dollars, penny by penny. Drew, you thrive on tedium. I've seen

giggle over the Xerox manual.

It's a gift, Drew.

Just give us one more day.

Just one more.

Johnson,

get my lumbar pillow. I'm going to be doing some sitting.

Thanks for staying. This is going to be our last set of the night.

Actually, it'll be our last set here for a while because the Horned Dogs are

going on a tour of all the Ramada Inns in Ohio.

Actually, it's pretty cool, and I've been thinking about it and everything,

I don't think I'm going to be going with them.

What?

Yeah, you know, I realize I'm never going to be a great musician, but I am

at something else. I'm not going to tell you guys what because you wouldn't

understand, but...

A lot of people depend on me, and nobody does what I do exactly the way I do it.

How many people can say that, huh?

Now, if you guys aren't too mad at me, if you don't mind, I'd just

appreciate it if you just played me off.

We'll miss you, big guy.

a surprise for us.

Kind of a relief, too, because we were going to dump him before the tour.

You know what a coincidence our new lead singer's here tonight.

Weird Al, come on up!

the James Gang.