Original subtitles

Oh boy, she's a real beaut there, Drew.

Yeah, I was going to get one for $300, but I figured who needs all the bells

whistles? Listen to that baby hum, huh?

That's the sound of the 21st century right there.

Normal computer startup noise.

It sounds like it's crying.

You didn't expect it to last forever, right?

Hey, listen to me, techno folks. This thing is brand new. Maybe that's the way

it's supposed to sound.

How come the thing's turning green? I bought a color monitor.

Green's a color.

Is it also a smell?

Okay, look.

That's Darcy. Now remember, don't work in an office, okay? I'm just a musician

at the Ramada.

And I'm the same person that I am, except I once won a car on Joker's Wild.

Hey.

Hey, what's in the bag?

Not beer. Oh.

Actually, we're dying Drew's hair.

He's got to look cool when he plays with his band.

I said no one would laugh at me.

You didn't run that by us.

I said you're going to run that by then.

Oh, it's true.

I do have a serious question, though. Yes?

Are you recarpeting the rumpus room, too?

True.

You got a tattoo.

Yeah, it's an accordion.

Cool. Did it hurt?

No, I can handle the hot water and the rubbing. A little whiskey's all I

All right.

This should go really quick, because they already pre -mixed the bleach.

You have a very sexy head.

Thanks, I've been working out.

It takes a lot of guts letting me do this. It means a lot that you trust me

much.

Okay, it's time to rent.

All

this

energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

Express your crew.

Yes,

he's here with me right now.

Do you want to say hello to daddy?

Hi, Daddy, this is Antonio.

Woof, woof, woof.

All right, enough of that. When are you going to dump your wife?

Oh, she's in the room right now?

Oh, good, I'll hold.

Wait a minute.

This whole thing is just so wrong, and it's completely immoral. I don't think

that we should... What?

I do not.

What? Check out the new meat.

Oh.

I checked out Carrie's meat.

Move along, lady. We don't serve your kind here.

Yeah, well, giving up a promotion wasn't the dumbest thing you did this month.

Oh, wait a minute. I know what's going on here. You went blonde because you're

thinking that's my secret?

No, but that's why I grew the goatee.

not gay, Carrie.

But even if I were, I would look as gay as you.

You know, I really look forward to the day when one guy can just say to

hey, you look great.

Nice head, Carrie.

What's the matter? People stop laughing at the old one?

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of your hair falling out.

I was beautiful with hair, Carrie.

Back then there wasn't a whore in town who charged me full price.

Hey, Carrie, come in here. Look at this.

This put me down as impressed, Larry.

Somebody's been doing coke in the bathroom.

All right, everybody freeze.

You have a trained security officer right here on the theme.

Top to bottom, through the middle.

All your fingers.

I'll take over from here.

Hmm. Interesting.

I have no idea what cocaine tastes like.

Wow, an employee doing the devil's dandruff at work.

Who do you think it is?

Probably somebody who doesn't call it the devil's dandruff.

I'll tell you one thing, though.

Drugs aren't the answer.

Except if the question is, what's not the answer?

The hell are you on?

Yeah, who's doing coke?

Chronically late, chronically late, chronically late.

Always early.

Is that possible?

Hey.

So, how's the new band going?

Let's just say it's not the same without you.

Does that mean better or worse?

It's like comparing apples to a really good band.

We drove by the Ramada and said the Horndogs are playing tonight. Why are

still using our old name?

Hey, I started the band. I thought of the name.

How much of this is about you guys regretting that you quit?

A little bit.

Some of it.

We don't know what you mean.

I can't get the new guys to leave the van just because you changed your mind.

It's not fair.

Plus, they're good.

All right. Okay, fine. I don't know when and I don't know how, but someday

you're going to get punished for this. Kerry, I need you to personally collect

urine from all the employees.

I just hope I'm around to see it.

How do you find the bathroom tested positive for cocaine?

We begin testing the employees immediately.

All the employees?

What's an invasion of privacy?

And it's icky times ten.

What's the problem? Too good to collect a stranger's urine?

Well, no.

Oh, yeah. You know, as a matter of fact, yeah. Yeah, I am too good. This is an

order, Carrie. Besides, I've arranged for the lab to pick up the samples on

Thursday. Oh, man. People are going to freak out around here.

Carrie's going to be the most hated guy in the store.

Oh, well, don't worry, Jude. There'll be a pot of something gold at the end of

the rainbow.

You know, sir, I just realized I can't collect specimens from the female

employees and we could get sued.

Well, pick a woman. You're close enough.

After you.

You have to look?

Yeah.

You feel like a big man now?

Actually, I do.

Take one of those, go in there, do your business.

This is horribly embarrassing.

Aren't you supposed to be watching us or something?

You're going to have to get your jollies another way.

Nora, have you ever dated a married guy?

Oh, no. I would never do such a terrible thing.

Why? Is there a married man at the store who's been asking about me?

I suppose anything's possible.

Jack's more provocative.

Plus, I'll spread it around that you put out.

Oh, Mimi, I can't tell you what to do or what not to do.

So here's the story.

I fell for a married guy.

And I feel really lousy about it, but I can't help myself.

You're better than that, Mimi.

It's degrading and undignified.

Here's my pee.

Put it over there.

Now get out of here, Nora.

You big slut.

PNARC.

Hey, I'm not a NARC, you know. I was forced to do this.

Yeah, right, PNARC. Stop calling me that.

Whoever's next, the great and powerful PNARC, will see you now.

I think what you're doing is great.

Really? Yeah, I, uh, Tom Johnson from SHU, think Mr. Wick's policy is right on

track. Do it? What, you think I'm wired?

What kind of corporate students do you think I am, man? How do I know you're

wired? Good move, Kerry.

Accuse the accuser.

Typical PNARC tactic.

You see, even the biggest fascist in the store thinks this is over the line.

I'm taking my lunch break, PNARC.

PNARC, PNARC, PNARC, PNARC.

Screw this.

You're going to be really proud of me. Come in here and look what I'm doing.

Hey, Kate. I thought you were looking for work.

Uh, yeah. I'm just here visiting some friends.

Hello?

No, I'm sorry. This isn't Katie's copy.

Hi, this is Katie.

Sure, we do wedding invitations.

And remember, a free stapler with every order.

Okay. What are you doing? Okay,

we're in a copy shop on a Winford Louder.

Okay. Well, I see more of you now than before you quit.

And the best part is now, when I do this, it's not sexual harassment, I just

agree.

Okay. What a great time to tell Mr. Wick about your new office supply business.

Look, she gets some staplers at half of what we pay for them. Put me down for a

gross. Oh, Mr. Wick.

Gross.

Got it. Thanks, Jerry.

Well, Carrie, the lab will be here in a few minutes. Where are the employee

urine specimens?

I dumped them, sir.

The women's and the men's. Have you lost your mind?

Look, I haven't felt comfortable about this from the beginning, and I'm drawing

a line here. The whole store supports me. Fine, then you'll make an excellent

example. I want your specimen ready when the lab arrives in five minutes. Go get

it. No, sir.

Then you're fired.

You can't do that. It's not fair.

Well, isn't this interesting?

Big Billy Idol doesn't want to take a drink test.

I tell you what, I'll give you 24 hours to change your mind. I want your pee on

my desk tomorrow morning.

Oh, it'll be on your desk.

In a cup.

Oh, it'll be in a cup.

in your coffee cup.

What do you mean by that?

I don't know. I just don't want to talk like this. It makes you nervous.

I'm a fool to do your dirty work.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a fool to do your dirty work.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, speaking of dirty work, we're the Horned Dogs.

We're going to take a short 20 -minute break, and we'll be right back.

Thank you.

Hey. Hey. How was that?

Great. You seem to sound like you lived it.

Yeah, I've had some rough jobs, and I worked a few toilets in my day.

Oh, great, you're here. Now we don't have to do the light show.

I didn't know you were still playing here.

Crap. Okay, we'll see you later. No, no, stick around. We need the audience.

Hey, I know you. I interviewed you for a job. What's your name again?

I told you we'd run into people we know here.

Oh, you guys are being kind of shifty here. What, are you doing something

not supposed to be doing?

Drew, I'm married, and I'd appreciate it if you kept a lid on it.

You're married?

Wow, if you're his hot stuff on the side, what does he have chained up at

Why don't you go up to the room? I'll be right up.

Unless there's a call from the governor.

Listen, pig.

I ain't proud of this, but I really like Ron.

Besides, I'm not the kind of woman who needs to date married men.

God knows I got single guys throwing themselves at me.

You mean after they run out of the bullets and they've already thrown the

Drew, you look so hot with that blonde hair. It's making me crazy.

Oh, my

God. We look like Hanson in 30 years.

Wouldn't it be cool to have look -alike backup singers, huh?

Have you guys taken a good look at yourselves?

No, we just did it in the car outside.

Look at yourselves right now.

Oh.

Sorry, Drew.

And the trend was pronounced dead at exactly 9 .05.

Look, guys.

Drew is a full -time musician.

I'm sorry. I can't even look at you two without cracking up.

Excuse me. I'm going to go check the surf report.

I'll talk to you guys before she gets back.

They want me to get a drug test at work tomorrow. They're going to fire me. I

don't know what the big deal is. One time they turned off my water, I peed in

cup for a week.

Have you got a drink or something?

No, no, it's okay.

Mimi Bobeck?

Maybe. Who's asking?

Her boyfriend's wife.

Oh, Mimi's the husky gal over at the water cooler with the yellow hair?

How did you find out?

I found makeup on his collar.

And his jacket.

And his pants.

And his shoes.

And the roof of his car.

Lady, I am so sorry.

You should be ashamed of yourself, you homewrecker. It was all my fault.

Scum.

Garbage.

I deserve that.

Low -life white trash slut.

I had that coming, too.

You have every right to be mad, and I feel crappy as hell.

I'll never see your husband again, I swear to God.

Bitch.

Okie dokie.

Painted whore.

Well, I gotta get back to work now.

No wonder he cries in his sleep.

All right, Drew.

Dog's ready.

Still want to do this?

I guess we have no other choice.

Come on, boy. Betty Ford needs new shoes. Let's go.

Uh -oh, Drew.

When ribs are outlawed, only outlaws will have ribs.

What is this, a kennel?

No, sir.

I brought in a drug -sniffing dog. And as a bonus, he'll be able to round up

the stray meat.

You're undermining my authority, Kerry. First you refused to give me a sample,

now you're bringing in a drug -sniffing dog without my permission. Get out of

here and take that dog with you. You're fired.

You're through.

You're finished. Get out and never come back as long as you live.

Everybody stay calm. I'm going to find out what he meant by that.

I'm very busy.

It's only going to take a second.

Well, fine. Make it quick. I'm in the middle of something.

Okay, look.

I'm sorry I brought in the dog, okay? I was just trying to find a simple,

respectful way to find the drugs.

Have you checked the lobby?

You put me through all this crap for nothing.

You were going to turn me in and make me lose my job even though you knew those

drugs in the bathroom were yours.

All right, Kerry.

The way I see it, you have two choices.

Either you can turn me in, or you can join me.

Come on, Mr. Wick. No, it's a fabulous life, Kerry. You stay up all night,

you'll lose weight, you'll meet scary, interesting people. Granted, you'll lose

all your friends, spend all your money, and probably die alone in the street

from exposure, but hey, that might happen anyway.

I need to get some help.

No need. All better. Thanks for asking, though.

Look.

We don't have to get you fired, okay?

But you need to get into rehab.

I'm suddenly very tired.

I know, sir. Come on, let's go.

Right, Carrie.

Feels good to be done with the lie.

What are we going to do with all the cocaine?

I can't believe I paid $3 ,000 for this, Gary.

I know, Mr. Wick, but admit it. Deep down inside, you know you want this.

Mr.

Wick?

Yes, O 'Brien.

I just, I heard you're going into rehab, and I just wanted to wish you good

luck. Thank you, O 'Brien.

I've always played hard to get.

And now that I know you're going away, I have to tell you I'm incredibly

attracted to you.

And if you don't mind, I'd like to come into your dorm and take you right there

in your room.

You're not really here, are you?

No, I'm not.

I'm totally delirious, strapped to a bed in rehab, aren't I?

Yes.

In that case, would you do some jumping jacks for me?

Okay, but only for five minutes, because then I'm going to turn into a spider.