Original subtitles

You got the money?

You got the stuff?

You got the money?

You got the stuff?

I asked you first.

I know what we'll do.

What?

How do I know this makeup's really going to change color with my moods?

Look, drug code meant $20 million in debt developing this, okay? But it's not

approved yet, so if anybody asks, it fell off a truck.

How did you really get it?

I told you it fell off a truck.

I've got to sample it before I pay you, because, you know, I've been burned by

street blush before.

Yeah, well, hurry up, okay? I'm using the money to buy the freedom of a test

monkey named Bobo.

I've known him for seven years.

The only one from the drug co. who showed up at my grandpa's funeral.

Your family must have wondered who the looker was, huh?

Stay here.

Bye. This isn't a gate to the netherworld. Nothing is.

Weird vibes.

Oh, the power of hell compels you.

Hey, Lewis, what are you doing here?

I'm freeing my monkey.

Oh, just watch out for the security camera.

Hey, you must be Rob.

Yeah. Sorry I'm late. Drew Carey, how you doing? Good. What a morning.

Parking cart was demagnetized. There was a construction dumpster in my spot.

Got gum on my shoe. Got stuck in the elevator.

You know, you think they put up a sign when they paint the toilet seats.

Well, you seem pretty calm for all that.

Hey, I'm Drew Carey, God's hacky sack.

That's a great attitude.

Look, I don't want to seem impatient, but I've got an interview in about half

hour for a job in London, so I really want to hear what you guys have to

Well, I'll tell you, I may be new to global staffing, but I know one thing.

Resume like this, you want to work for the best, not a bunch of clowns.

I heard a loud noise. Everything all right?

It's just my chair keeps breaking on me.

Your chair keeps breaking?

Filled on what I call unsolved mysteries.

Uh, Mr. Wick, this is Ron Rooney. He's the guy we're trying to woo for the

Singapore job.

Can't get a job in your own country, eh? Bloody pathetic, I say.

So, let's talk turkey.

I don't know how much the other stores are offering you, but I've come up with

number that I think will make your job search just a little bit shorter.

Why don't we just sit... Why don't we just sit...

Have you ever done something to my pencils?

Did they blow up? No.

Then no.

Let's see.

Where were we?

I think... Damn it!

Why don't you just whisper it to me?

Good idea.

Not another nail.

Listen, you both know this job is yours if you want it, so why don't I just mail

you your salary and benefits package and look forward to having you on the

Winford Lauder team.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to put my junior executives back in

their office.

I'm not paying you nothing. This makeup's not changing colors.

Excuse me, can I use your phone?

At least.

Well, first the phone. We can discuss the other over lunch.

It's mood makeup. Purple is passion.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, if she turns orange, it means... Say it walking.

I don't really need you to use the phone. I just wanted to see if you were

beautiful up close.

Holy crap, that's romantic.

How about the cafeteria at noon?

You got it.

Hey, Kool -Aid.

Quick, somebody highlight everything I hate. Oh, look.

All this energy calling me

Back where it comes from It's such a crude attitude

It's back where it belongs All the little chicks with the crimson

lips

Look, Nina answered your letter. Give me that. Oh, it's not for Drew Carey. It's

for Junior Warrior Drew Carey.

If you give me your real age, I'd just stick a bunch of lawyers on you.

Say, do you want a hamburger or a cheeseburger? Cheeseburger, thanks.

Wait, are you positive you want a cheeseburger?

Yeah, why? I just want to make sure you're not going to change your mind.

Oswald. I mean, what if you decide all of a sudden you want a hamburger, not a

cheeseburger? What happens to the cheese?

You just push it aside, you leave it at the altar, you humiliate the cheese in

front of all the cheeses' friends.

My God, Kate, you and the cheese went to premarital religious counseling.

Let me see that cheese.

Look, it's moving on.

If you're going to waste food, throw a vegetable.

Look at this paycheck.

Drew Ferry.

How many times did I get my name wrong? Last week it was Screw Carey.

Looks like every week it's Screw Carey.

Why can't I catch a break at that place?

You should see how bad my interview went today.

I thought with the promotion things would be different, but it's the same

crap. I swear to God, it's like there's some kind of conspiracy against me or

something. Well, we'd all like to believe that too, but I think it all

to a certain eight -year -old who loved the taste of paint.

We all feel the world's against us sometimes, my little junior warrior,

Look, I'm not being paranoid.

It's just that all this stuff is starting to add up. All the nails and

spills and unfortunate noises. It's really starting to get to me.

Drew, you make your own luck. Remember high school? A lot of my friends thought

they wouldn't get dates, and they didn't. I thought positive. I had a date

weekend. And that's what's known as the pretty girl who puts out theory.

You know, give it away, Kate is right.

I've been going in there with a bad attitude. What did I expect?

You know, from now on, I'm going to start making my own good luck. Someone's

going to make it for me, I'll tell you that.

And I'm going to have my good luck start right here. Let's see what kind of

wonderful news I got from Zena Warrior Princeton.

Dear Mr.

Carey, on behalf of our client, Lucy Lawless, and Superior Court Judge Irma

It's just secret club stuff. You're not supposed to see it.

Morning, Mimi.

Good morning to you.

Why are you in such a good mood today?

I got some.

Why are you in such a good mood?

I have a positive outlook.

I'm gonna get some.

Well, somewhere in the world, there's a very lucky girl who's gonna date the

lesbian you create tonight.

Hi, honey.

You know, that's not very professional office behavior, but I guess it's an

honest mistake. You must have thought you were kissing my butt.

If you don't mind me saying, you must have the most beautiful butt in the

So, are you ready to join the Winford Lauder team?

I'm not taking any job out of the country.

There's someone here I want to get to know better.

Carrie, I need to see you in security.

Now. Okay, let me just transfer my calls over there so it doesn't ring here.

Shall we? After you.

So anyway, I can't believe you gave up that job for me.

Look, there's something I gotta tell you before we go any further.

I don't know how to say this, but I'm married.

Unless your next three words are to the sea, you got real problems.

God, Mimi, I'm so sorry.

You'd better go.

Wait!

No. Go.

Wait!

Go.

But... Go slowly.

What's the emergency?

You better sit down, Drew.

Man, did I get Carrie good today.

Yeah? I was weakening his pencil tips when it hit me.

Shake up all his sodas.

Shake up my sodas? What is this, a joke?

Guess what I did to his phone.

I fixed it so it'll never stop ringing.

Delicious.

I want to do something to his phone next time. I've been doing his chair for the

last nine years.

Oh, my God, there really is a conspiracy against me. But I do just want to say

that I hate Carrie more today than I did yesterday.

Yeah, I second that.

Please enter that in the notes. Got it.

They got notes.

They got a club secretary.

How organized are they?

Ready for the song, guys?

Oh, we hate him, hate him, hate him. Yes, we hate him, hate him, hate him. We

will hate him, hate him, hate him till they box him up in craters.

We will hate him, hate him, hate him.

All right, good. You guys, time to get back to work. Remember, tomorrow is the

big day. Hey, you think we're going too far with this?

When it comes to getting Carrie, you can't go too far.

Well? That gave me the creeps. You should tell Mrs. Louder about this.

It's too late now. They're going to do something tomorrow.

I don't get it. Why would anybody conspire against me?

Tell you why.

Now, stay with me on this.

Drew is widely known as a failure.

Go on.

But recently, he's had some success.

Good for Drew, bad for the country.

Why, you ask?

Our economy is based on hard -working people staying in their crappy low

jobs. But if suddenly their poster boy succeeds, next thing you know, they

they can too. And that is not good. I'll tell you why.

Too many people on top, nobody on the bottom. Our economy collapses all

of Drew.

There you go. Yeah.

Okay. All right, let's figure this out. We got an air conditioning guy, a

computer guy, and a copier repair guy. Why would they all hate you?

Well, they're obviously jealous of my, uh... They really like my, uh...

They want to get at my, uh... I don't know.

But first thing in the morning, before they start the big day, I'm going to get

to the bottom of this, let me tell you. High time I put a stop to these three

losers that have been holding me back.

You're talking about the guys at work, right?

Hey, guys. Hey, Drew. You don't have to come down here. I told you I could

handle it by myself.

Yeah, we just wanted to make it a fair fight. You know, three against three.

Yeah. Now call them up here one at a time.

Call them right now.

Hey, law my head.

Yes?

Seems hiring you wasn't the only stupid thing drug whoever did.

You take this makeup back.

I'm tired of wearing my emotions on my face.

And yet you keep the face.

Well, are you sure? Did you check everywhere?

Okay.

Well, that's it.

They're all missing. All three guys are out to get me.

Oh, this is bad, Drew. Whatever the big thing is, they don't want to be here

when it happens.

Always. This is a crowded department store. They wouldn't do anything crazy,

would they? Crazy? You mean like filing down your pencil tips for the last nine

years?

Attention, everyone.

This is Drew Carey and personnel.

We might have a slight situation here, so if you could please evacuate the

in an orderly manner. No, don't sugarcoat it. Give him a chance at life.

a bomb in the store!

Why don't you just yell fire while you're at it? Oh, crap.

Listen, you guys get out of here. I'll make sure everybody gets up safe. Are

sure, Drew? Because we'll stay if you want us to. It's no big deal.

Amy, I'm going to talk to you. Not now, you idiot. There's a bomb threat.

I'm not leaving until we talk.

Well, good. You stay here and talk. And if I find your lying lips in the rubble,

I'll send them to your wife.

Come on. We've got to go.

Do you really care that much?

If I didn't care, would I cheat on my wife?

If I'm going to bust a commandment, it might as well be one that makes me

tingle.

No need to panic. No panic.

No need to panic.

Pretty scary stuff, huh? A lot of sickos out there. See you outside, buddy. Wait

a second, you three. You hold it right there.

Attention, everyone.

That was the fastest evacuation drill in the history of Winford Louder.

Looks like we're going to the quarterfinals this year.

Gentlemen, have a seat.

Well, I guess you all know why we're here. What the hell is this all about,

Heller? I have no idea what you're talking about.

You might as well tell the truth. Your buddy's already confessed.

No, he didn't. You're supposed to split it up when you do that.

Listen, I saw security tape of you guys talking.

I've been trying to ruin my life for the last nine years. Like you don't know.

Does April 29th, 1988 ring a bell?

I want to sing it. No phone, no photo.

Morning,

Cheryl.

Hi.

Shout it out, baby. Show some spunk.

You know what?

Little makeup never hurt anybody either.

I can't wait till they replace her.

Hey, Helen.

You know what this is? My last jelly donut.

Starting tomorrow, this is all gonna be gone.

Okay, Drew, your new computer's ready to go.

State of the art.

It has a calculator and eight different shades of gray. Wow.

I'll see you tomorrow. I'm, uh, heading out early.

What's the occasion?

I'm gonna ask my girlfriend to marry me.

How do I look?

You look like a guy should have his collar flipped up.

Just that for you.

Well, you look like a million bucks. Thank you. Knock on bed. Better get

running. See ya.

My girlfriend, the only woman I ever loved, thought it was lipstick.

She dumped me, and I never heard from her again.

You know, if it's any consolation, jelly kind of ruined my life, too.

Yeah, well, what you did to me was worse.

What are you doing here so late? Still trying to get in good with the boss, or

what did you call him, the cross -dressing weasel with the bad rug?

See, until that moment, I was on the fast track to regional manager, but

that, that cross -dressing, wig -wearing, and, oh, get this, I hear

S .O .B. has kept me in the same damn place, and it's your fault, Terry.

And you, Lomax?

I came to work drunk, and you put it on my permanent record.

Oh, yeah, you were drunk.

But you put it on my record.

And you were drunk.

And you put it on my record.

Wait a second, you're drunk now.

So?

All right, so let me get this straight. Because I inadvertently ruined your

lives, You guys have devoted the last nine years to making me feel like a

Hey, hey, slow down, mister. I'm the center of the universe.

Our lives didn't revolve around it. We met like 20 minutes a day, Tom.

Yeah, well, it's got to stop right now.

To be honest, we stopped being really angry with you a few years ago.

Let's go while it lasts, though, huh, guys? Yeah.

So that's it? It's over?

Yeah.

I can finally relax. Wait, don't eat that!

Oh, so that's it?

a big thing. You put something in my donut.

No, it's just your weight. We've been watching you for nine years, and

we're worried. Yeah.

So what's this big thing?

What seems to be a really good -looking woman is going to hit on you tonight.

Do not go home with her.

Oh, what if another really good -looking woman hits on me and I turn down the

wrong one?

Come on, get out of here.

Boy, what a change. This is great. No more feeling like a loser, huh?

It's not this way on my back. I'm going to fly, fly, fly.

Look, honey, listen to me. No, please.

Please don't walk out that door.

No, this was my last graveyard shift.

I know. I know this hasn't been easy, but never again.

Please, just give me one more chance.

All right.

Will you tell Johnny to oil up his glove?

Daddy will be home in ten minutes.

Hey.

Wow.

I am really sorry about that. I, uh... I'd say to help you, but I'm kind of in

hurry. But, hey, a little overtime, huh?

Don't worry.

You'll be happy.

La la la la la la.

La la la la la.

La la la la la la.