Original subtitles

I'm here to see the big cheese.

I just missed it.

The big ham, too.

I'm here for my job interview, stupid.

I don't have a job interview today.

Well, then I must be mistaken.

Good day, sir.

Hello. Hello. Hey, listen, Mr., um, um, uh, hey, what's that on the ceiling?

Where?

Mr. Cash. There's a guy coming in for a job. He's small and has an adorable

list. But he's a genius, I tell you. A genius.

Hire him right away.

So, do I have the job?

Wait a second. I can't hire you. You're a duck.

What are you trying to say here? You don't hire ducks?

Well, if you were a jackass, maybe. Then he could run the place. But a duck?

No.

A blatant example of discrimination.

Whatever happened to affirmative action?

I don't see any ducks around here.

Well, what are your qualifications?

You want qualifications?

I got them coming out the wazoo.

I got an MBA, a PhD, an EKG, a PLT, a

TNT, and a big old load of TLC.

Oh,

what do you say, you big pampered ball of slum?

I'd say you better get out of my L .A .P. You are one weird duck. You ain't

whistling Dixie, fat boy.

What do you want?

Finally, one of my people.

Get off the desk, duck.

I love you. I want to take you away from all this.

You're a veritable kaleidoscope of colors.

And I'm ready to claim the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Gotta give me that job. You just gotta.

No can do, ducky.

You don't understand.

You don't know what it's like out there for a duck.

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.

Nobody knows but me.

Yeah.

Besides, we're getting close to duck hunting season.

No, it's not. It's rabbit season.

Duck season.

Rabbit season.

Duck season.

Rabbit season.

Yeah, forget it.

I'll make it somehow.

Maybe I'll find some nice family, and I'll be there Sunday supper.

By the way, on my way in, Mr. Wick said he wanted to see you.

Oh, thanks. Listen, I'm sorry we didn't have anything for you.

That's okay.

And that's why we don't hire ducks.

No kidding. So we actually shed one whole layer of skin

every month?

Yep. We're just big snakes with feet. Hey, you told me this jerk wasn't going

be here.

You swore to me we were going to have lunch alone.

Oh, wait a minute. I think I've got something in my pocket here that'll

what's going on.

I only have one finger in my pocket.

Look, I got you both down here because you're going to make up one way or the

other. No. Yes, yes, you are. First of all, Oswald.

Getting all bent out of shape just because he humiliated you at your own

shower in an attempt to destroy what may have well been your last chance at

happiness.

And you.

I can't believe you're upset with Oswald just because he beat the crap out of

you in one of the worst displays of public embarrassment I've ever seen in

life. Well, it just makes me sick.

Lewis has a point.

Maybe I shouldn't have bought Kate that dress, and I went too far. I'm sorry.

Maybe I was being a little oversensitive.

That's what I like to see, a couple of guys loving each other.

I mean, a couple of guys not fighting over a dress.

I mean, a couple of guys not letting it come to blows.

Hey, good news, Kate. Drew and I are friends again.

That's great. I knew you'd work it out.

By the way, did you guys see that truck outside giving away free ice cream?

Free ice cream?

If Kate gets ice cream, it might be fat -free yogurt.

There's no truck, Drew. We need to talk about Oswald.

Hey, we talked about Oswald.

You have to tell him you're not in love with him. And you have to do it fast.

The wedding's in a week. I know. I got it covered.

I'm going to give him this truck. to soften the blow.

When bad things happen to good people.

This is great. A little something to read while he's on the roof waiting for

SWAT team to show up.

All right, all right.

That's what I got on one of these special talking greeting cards as a

On this, our wedding day, until we're old and gray, I just want to say... I'm

sorry, Oswald. I don't want to marry you.

Hey, can I record it again? I want to add some stuff. Sorry.

Give me a minute.

Drew, I can't tell him to his face. This is the hardest thing this poor guy's

ever going to go through, and it's all because of me.

Hey, listen. If you really love him, you'll rip his heart out in person.

You know what a woman does to me? I expect her to be prompt.

I expect her to be uncomfortable.

And I expect her to contain her excitement until it's over.

All right.

I'm going to leave him a note telling him to meet me at home. When we're

I'll sit him down.

I'll pour my heart out to him.

And then we'll be over.

Let's go.

Oswald, bad news, ask through.

You know what?

I'm going to go there with you just to make sure you go through with this.

You don't trust me?

That's it.

Now I'm not going to help you tell Oswald I'm breaking up with him.

I don't need your help. I'll tell him myself.

You know, you look too good.

You should look bad when you break up with somebody. Make them glad to get rid

of you.

How's this?

Now you just look sultry.

Hi, Katie Bear. Hi, Drew.

Hey, Aldold. What's the matter?

Well, first we had to walk about three miles before we found that ice cream

truck.

And then it took some convincing for him to give it to us for free.

Besides that, I guess I'm a little jittery about the wedding.

Why don't we sit down and talk about it?

Hey, you know what I just realized?

Not in the other room. Hey!

Who wants some hot chocolate, huh?

You know, no matter what's going on in your life, hot chocolate always makes it

feel better.

It's like a big brown hug.

I'm glad we're talking about this because I was listening to the radio and

said that half of all marriages end in divorce.

It'd be better for everybody if those people never got married.

Katie Bear?

Yeah? I can give you more love than any man alive. Still, if you want to back

out of the marriage, you tell me now, I'll understand.

Oh, thank God.

Well,

I don't know what I would have done if you had said yes, but...

horrible moment. They say our marriage will last forever.

All done?

Okay, hot chocolate coming in.

Oswald, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. And go now.

Hold on one minute.

Hi, Mama.

Hi, Honey.

This is a surprise. You're a week early.

Well, you know, all those frequent bus miles were going to expire next week.

Hey, look who it is.

Hi, Miss... Hi, Mrs. Harvey.

You're all grown up now, Drew.

You can call me Kim.

I can't. It ruins the fantasy.

Uh, hey, why don't you two catch up, and Drew and I will take Kim's bags into

the bedroom.

See you later, Mrs. Harvey.

I can't believe you still got a crush on me.

You know, when you were a kid, you looked too young for me.

Now you look too old.

Sorry, honey.

Oh, man, I lapped her.

What am I going to do? His mother's here. I got to leave.

What are you talking about? You can't leave. You have to tell Oswald.

What, and spend the rest of the week here with him and his mother? She's

She takes the bus.

You know what? I bet you could take her.

I've had dreams where you did.

Oh, shut up and help me.

Hey, guys, okay, so I'm taking Mom shopping for a dress, and then we'll

Drew's at 6 for dinner.

Drew, what are you doing with Kate's underwear?

I'm in the middle of a demonstration for your honeymoon night, if you don't

mind.

Sorry.

Okay, here's the plan.

You keep his mom busy and I'll bring him his dog home.

Okay, sounds good. First, let's find out why there's a balloon in the middle of

my living room.

Pop me?

Well, I always do what a balloon tells me to, so...

It's for you.

Okay, look under the couch.

First, tell Drew to stop looking at your butt.

Second, turn on TV and play tape and VCR.

Now who's looking at whose butt, huh?

What?

Nothing.

You do not know who I am.

Now open the fridge and look in the spam.

Now that you've seen my spam, go down a shelf and look at my ham?

What kind of monster is wasting my food?

I tried to rhyme with yard, but I gave up because it's too hard.

Just go outside.

So far, they've wasted food and a balloon.

This better be good.

Surprise!

You're throwing me a surprise wedding?

Wow, what a great idea.

I wonder why you don't see more of these.

Why didn't you tell me about this? I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me?

You know you can't keep a secret.

I can't keep a secret.

I'll keep it a secret and blow this party wide open.

Yeah, that's right, Mimi. I'm gay.

As far as you're concerned, I'm gay.

Now, I guess all that's left is to get Kate in that dress and we're back.

Well, where are you going with her?

I have to change, too, and I've got to make sure that she doesn't jump out of a

bathroom window.

Quick, come out the bathroom window.

What are we going to do?

I can't hurt him in front of all these people. I'm just going to go through

it. What?

Yeah, we'll get married. I'll learn to love him.

Oh, yeah, just like you learned to play guitar, speak Spanish, and be a

ventriloquist. Did you ever do any of those things?

Si, senor.

I can't even see your lips move because I'm blinded by the insanity of this

whole thing.

Boy, the shoe's on the other foot. I'd plaster a smile on my face and walk your

sorry ass down the aisle.

Oh, fine.

I'll just stand by while you go out there and make the biggest mistake of

life. Oh, thank you.

You know, when you think about it...

Kissing is just pressing your lips to the sweet end of 66 feet of intestines.

We've got to stop the wedding.

All right.

Don't you want to know why?

Look, Drew, this may be way off base, but does it have anything to do with the

fact that Oswald is a man -child stuck in a kind of prolonged adolescence?

And while that may have appealed to Kate at first, ultimately she realized she

needed someone more challenging to what she perceives as her intellect.

Wow.

Where'd you come up with that?

Do you believe in magic cheese, Drew?

It's just one beer. I'm a little nervous.

Honey, I love my kid.

When you're marrying a Harvey, it doesn't hurt to have a couple of drinks

you.

Thanks for understanding.

Here's to moms.

Oh, look at you blubbering like a baby.

It's not like sitting out there making monkey chat with your loser friends and

relatives. Let's get this show on a roll.

Now you smudged your makeup. Come here, princess.

Take care of it.

Applause to the stealer. You'll be gorgeous again.

Look, I'll take care of her makeup. You just go back to making balloon animals

and entertaining the kids.

I ain't a clown, truck stop.

Good luck, best wishes, and let's get out there and pledge your life to dead

brain walking.

I'm his mother.

Well, then you know.

Kate, you're about to walk down the aisle with an empty beer bottle. What

that tell you?

Look at her. She's so beautiful.

I can't help myself.

Kate, I want to ask you in front of all these people.

Oh, no, a drunken English guy crossed your path. You can't get married today.

That's bad luck.

You can't just grab something and force it to love you. Now get over here,

because you're with me.

Are we ready to begin?

Catherine and Oswald have asked that the ceremony be brief, and in their own

words... Let's do the vows and grill us some cows.

My only concern is that the marriage is long, not the ceremony, and so I'll ask

them now to recite their own vows.

Oswald. Katie Bear, I found a note that I wrote to Lewis in the sixth grade, and

I think it still applies today.

Hey, dude.

Missed you last night. Mom taught us how to do the hustle.

The weirdest thing is, after everybody else went to bed, I slow danced with

Kate, and it just felt right.

Someday I'd like to marry her. Yes, fog hat forever.

And Kate, do you have anything to say?

Wait!

I can't hold back any longer.

Drew and I have an important announcement that we must reveal at this

Take it, Drew.

I shut the lights off for 30 seconds.

And in that time, I expect the murderer or murderess to get the hell out of

here.

I'm doing my vows now, Drew.

Oswald, you're my best friend, and I hope you'll always be my best friend no

matter what.

Oswald, do you have the ring?

You want the ring? Yeah.

Well, here's the ring.

Go on, and then run to a pawn shop.

Hey, guys, we're right in the middle of my wedding ceremony.

Well, okay, for a minute.

Not yet.

Good. Drew, Alice, and Carrie, you give Oswald that ring back right now.

Drew, Alice, and Carrie?

Geez, all three of his names are girl names.

It's okay, Ma. They're just fooling around.

It's like when they play keep away with my report card because they know I

wasn't going to graduate.

This is our way of protecting each other when we know something bad is going to

happen.

Uh -oh.

I'm sorry, Oswald. I can't marry you.

Louder!

Turn your makeup down. He could have heard it the first time.

Obviously, there isn't going to be a wedding here today.

But I'd like you all to stay and celebrate what I hope will be, Kate, my

continued friendship.

I'd like to thank all of you for your affection and support.

Thanks for understanding.

I can afford to be dignified because in about 30 seconds, my mom's going to kick

your ass.

Hey, can I talk to you?

Hey, fights as good as a wedding.

Don't go beating yourself up, Katie.

There's no good way to get out of a wedding.

I just hope he's having fun on the honeymoon.

Well, he's got Lewis and Drew with him.

Hey, did you say the boys were going to Tamarindo?

According to the news there, there's some kind of problem going on down

The United States...

Hey, they're out for the winner of the Drew Carey Show April Fool's contest.

And the grand prize winner of the $25 ,000 and a trip to Los Angeles to be on

the Drew Carey Show is Dan Daubner from Seville, Ohio.

And the first prize all expenses paid trip to Cleveland goes to Mary Teresa

Herron from Louisville, Ohio.

Congratulations to them and to the other 400 Drew Carey special prize winners.

No, we didn't win.

We're in paradise.