Original subtitles

All right. We all know the rules to Disney pool, right? Yeah.

All right, Drew, you're up first.

Now you have to shoot within three seconds.

Okay.

Okay. One, two, shoot, shoot, shoot. Oh, wow. He

actually hit the cue ball.

That's one point for Drew. All right, Lewis, you're up next.

Okay. All right. There we go. One, two.

Oh.

Wow, that drinking really paid off, huh?

Oh,

Drew.

Wow, I didn't even feel that one.

I thought your knees were the first thing to go.

Everyone else sees this, right? Yeah.

Hey, Clemens.

I got a riddle for you.

What has four legs, attracts flies, and shouldn't be in my yard?

Oswald and Lewis.

Okay, let me add to that riddle.

What has the brain the size of... What eats thin...

What smells... Ah, forget it.

We're only going to be a minute, Drew. This is Charlie.

Oh, does he live in your house? How do you keep him off the couch?

Well, he used to live in a stable, but we took him out because he's been

depressed ever since the horse he used to live with, Stephen, died of colic

about a month ago.

So where are you going to keep him?

That's where you come in, Carrie.

We want to buy your house.

Well, my house isn't a barn.

It could be if we clean it up a little.

All right, that's it. Listen, my house isn't for sale. Now get out of here.

You and the horse you rode in on.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

Our little chick with the crimson lips.

Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!

Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!

Ohio!

Why

don't we start here?

This is our premier wedding package. Just picture yourself on the most

day of your life. It sounds beautiful.

We'll take everything.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the phone a minute. This looks a little pricey. How

pay are those flowers?

Only $3 ,000.

You know what? We can make tissue flowers.

It'll be fun.

Hey, who's going to even notice the flowers unless we're in these great

jackets? How much are they?

Those are the Prince Philip -style morning coats. They're an absolute...

Absolute steal at $350 a piece. Not bad.

To rent.

How much are these snappy blue tuxes?

About $100 each.

Oh, my God, is this the price of the bridesmaid's dresses?

Okay, but we've got to have a good band. How much does that cost?

Well, a string quartet is about $1 ,000 for a night.

You know, if we cut back on the suits, maybe we could afford a better band.

I'm scared to even ask this, but how much is the wedding dress?

Which one do you like?

Well, this is the style I'm looking for.

Oh, that one's $2 ,000.

Kate. But it's so beautiful.

You can't afford it.

But it's so much money for a dress you're only going to wear once, Katie

You're right.

Wait a second. I got an idea.

We'll cut back on beer. I'm sure everybody will understand.

Who am I kidding? We need beer.

Well, isn't there anything we can afford?

Well, I understand they have a lovely ceremony at Chuck E. Cheese.

Oh.

Well, that'd be romantic. That's where we had our first date.

Oh. Uh -huh.

Look, when we decided to pay for the wedding ourselves, we knew there'd be

sacrifices. How about we scale down the guest list to just the dress and me?

Hey, you know, maybe you could have one of those weird weddings where

everything's free because you're giving publicity to something.

Hey, I read in the paper that the Cleveland Zoo has a gorilla who's an

minister. Oh, really?

Uh, just one problem. After the ceremony, he froze.

Well, let's just say it's not right.

I don't believe it.

Let me see.

It's the dress I always dreamed about since I was a kid. It's the dress my

Barbie wore.

Oh, I remember that dress.

You wanted to get it so you could get married to one of the Banana Splits.

Well, that settles it. If that's the dress my Katie Bear wants, then we're

to Eileen's once -a -year bridal blowout sale to get it. You coming, guys?

Better than that. We're going to get there first thing in the morning, so

sure to get that dress. Yeah.

Drew, did you find it?

No, not yet.

Lewis, did you find it?

I might have found it. Where's Kate?

Over there!

By that rack!

It's not your rack!

O 'Brien, if these go pricey, you gotta hit them in the kidney!

Oh, that's very nice, Drew.

They say a blow -up doll is never more lovely than on her wedding day.

I'm here to help Kate.

What are you doing here? They find another one of you in Loch Ness?

I'm looking for a dress for a rock video I'm going to be in.

Insane clown posse?

Yeah.

Kate! Kate!

Is this the dress you want?

Okay. Let me show you one more time.

This is the dress.

These are the shoes.

How could you forget?

How many tea parties did you and I have with this doll?

Oh, I'm standing here in a wedding dress.

You know, you can pull that off. Hey, thanks, buddy. I mean, you can pull that

off right now. You look like you're on the cover of Prison Bride.

Hey, you.

Out of that dress. Now.

Usually a lady buys me a couple of drinks first.

It's not here. I'm never going to find it.

You mean like the one your Barbie dolls wear? Yeah. I've seen it. It's over

here. Here comes the bride.

I can't believe nobody bought it yet.

It's a designer gown.

They don't put dresses like that on sale, Ellie Mae.

Oh, how much is it? Uh, it's only, uh, 50, oh, 500, oh, 500, oh.

Bye -bye, dress.

I'll miss you.

Hey, $5 ,000.

I bet we could afford that if we pooled our money together and bought a gun or

robbed a bank.

I'm being silly.

Marrying you is what matters, not a dress.

I could be completely happy married to you naked.

Hey! No.

Jeez, is everybody in the world getting married?

Don't worry, Mimi. Someday your prince will come.

Or something named Prince.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, Lewis.

Oh, for God's sake, would you look at that?

Martha, Martha, come in here. You've got to see this.

There's a pool table inside the house.

Amazing, isn't it?

Next, I'm thinking furniture that goes on the lawn. I just don't know what to

call it.

Okay, I'll bite. So why isn't the pool table in the backyard anymore?

So I could buy Kate this.

Hey, that's the one she wants.

You spent $5 ,000 on a wedding dress?

Yep.

Horse's ass.

I thought I was doing something nuts. Oh, you mean the horse in my backyard.

What? Oh, no, I was talking about you. You're a horse's ass.

Hey, you didn't see Kate's face when she saw that dress.

You know, her father was still around. He'd have found a way to buy it for her.

But he's not, so...

I did.

So where'd you get the money?

Neighbors gave me $5 ,000 to put the horse up in my backyard.

What?

You sold your backyard so some big dumb animal could stand out here all day

doing nothing? And look, he's in my spot.

Long -legged, way -back crap machine.

You're talking about the horse now, right?

Okay, sure.

You may see a stranger across a crowded room.

File these away for me, would you, Amy?

All right.

For once you have found her, never let her go.

For once you have found her, never let her go.

Fancy turns my stomach.

When was the last time you even saw a young man's fancy?

When's the last time you even saw your fancy?

Can't upset me, Mimi, because I just said the best thing a friend can do for

another friend. You know that dress that Kate wanted for her wedding?

Well, I bought it for her. I'm going to surprise her with it tomorrow at the

shower.

Wow. You're doing all these beautiful things for a woman that you can never

have? You're the hunch front of Notre Dame.

Yes, sir.

Hold my calls, Mimi. I'm going to run out and grab a sandwich.

Yes, sir.

Great. Now I've got to go get another sandwich. Which means I have to flirt

the lunch lady to get extra meat again.

Let's get ready to shake.

Hey, Mimi, is Drew here? I want to show him this wedding dress I just got

downstairs. No, he's... Wait, you just got Kate a wedding dress?

Yeah, it's a surprise.

$145.

When are you going to give it to her? At the shower.

Look, I've got to say something about that dress. Oh, now, hold on one minute

there. I know it isn't your style. It doesn't have any spangles or polka dots

cowbells, but...

No, not everybody needs that much attention.

Well, thank you for your input.

What I was going to say is, don't show the dress to Drew now.

Show it to him at the shower.

Why?

Well, if you show it to him now, there'll be one less screwing up.

You know, you're right. You've got a hard show, but down deep, you're just an

old softy, aren't you?

Guilty as charged.

let me go to the shower.

Oh, well, you know, it's just going to be friends and family, and Kate says you

make her nervous. I'll bring a ham. All right.

See you there.

Dear father, I hope you're sitting down because I got a shocker.

This is not a joke.

Please, just keep Drew alive for one more week so that I can go to what

be one hell of a funny shower.

Oh, and as usual, thank you for the color peacock blue.

I don't know quite what this means, Mimi, but thank you.

You open this one, honey.

You do know the woman's supposed to wear that, right?

It's my day, too.

All right.

Oh, well, this is from the Clemens.

It's a gift certificate to a bookstore.

Thank you.

That's nice.

We'll use them.

Actually, that's for Kate.

But there's something in there for you, too.

Oh, yeah?

It's a ball!

A red ball!

Hooray!

Want to get a picture of it?

Oh, yeah. Smile clicks.

Hey, hey, his eyes are closed. Take another.

I only got about 200 shots left.

I got a hunch that this... is going to get way more interesting.

I lost the card on this one, so I'm not sure who it's from.

It's going to go great in that big empty spot over your bed.

Don't worry, honey. When he's not around, we'll just turn it around.

Way ahead of you, buddy.

I've more little pizzas, everybody.

Hey, Carrie, how come you're not pushing my hand?

I will later.

Don't ever use that expression to me again.

Let's get to the big gif.

Oswald, Drew, don't you have something for cake?

Well, I guess now's as good a time as any.

Hello, everyone.

How are you all?

I know I'm not invited, and I won't make a scene.

Oh, man, is he drunk? He's not going to remember any of this.

Oh, yes, he will.

Mr. Wick, look, I know how you feel about Caden. Even though you think your

for her is eternal.

Hello, lovely.

What spice girl might you be, eh?

Knock you out, spice, if you touch me.

Oh, it's all right.

I'll just take him upstairs and get him undressed and let him sleep it off.

Might have to get him a little tired first.

Sorry, Mimi.

I don't need those kind of ghosts in my house. Come on.

Okay, I have a special presentation to make to my beloved Kate.

Now, I know it's not exactly what you wanted, but it's the best I could do,

I hope you like it.

Oh, honey, I couldn't imagine anything more beautiful.

Okay, everybody, if I can have your attention, I have a special presentation

that I want to make to my best friend, Kate.

Okay, just to review, Kate just said, I can't imagine anything more beautiful.

Take a drink.

Here you go.

What's this?

Oh, I hope it's a dream come true.

Can you just move to the left? Get in the light. Just get...

This isn't fair. I should have gone last. She used up all her excitement on

gift.

Oh, my God.

It's the dress.

You rat. You set me up by giving me the crappy dress first.

I love you both.

Why'd you give her the dress, Drew?

I didn't know what... You're always doing this to me.

You do this on purpose to make me look like a fool.

No, Oswald, when I said crappy, I meant crepe.

Isn't that the way you pronounce the material?

Oh, she's all full of crepe. She knows what she meant.

Jeez, Drew, what the hell were you thinking?

I know what he was thinking, and I want to talk to you about it right now.

Outside. Let's go. Come on.

Right now.

Come on.

Right now.

He wants us to break up. He always wanted us to break up. He said we were

for each other.

What? It's a lot, pal.

It's between you and me.

Kate, wait!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She's my fiancee. I should talk to her.

on there, buddy. Think about this for a minute, okay? Kate's angry, all right?

You really want to be the first one in that door?

Let her clap through her out for a while, huh?

And when she's done with the heavy bag and a little arm -weary, you go in.

Thanks for reminding me what a best friend's all about, but... I just have

question, though. Why didn't you break up the fight?

It's been brewing for 30 years. There's nothing I can do.

Scared of the horses, huh?

They got metal feet and big, long faces.

I don't believe you!

Why didn't you tell me you didn't think Oswald and Norman were right for each

other? What do you care what I think?

Ouch! Where's the waffle maker? Where's the waffle maker?

I didn't want you to get angry.

Aren't you tired of being categorized in such an unflattering light?

Hey,

what are you mad at me?

I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at me. I don't want to get married.

O 'Brien, I want to thank you for the most intense five minutes of my life,

blindfolding me as if it weren't dark enough.

Have you no shame?

What's he talking about?

Great shower, everybody.

Well, good night.

So you're saying not one person is going to say anything?

Yep, not one.

You know what? Instead of 50 bucks, let's put 100 on this.

You're on.

Geez, can you lose a little weight?

I mean, I know I make fun, but it's getting out of hand.

Wait a minute. You smell better.

I can't believe not a single person noticed a difference between Carrie and

horse.

Hey, you want to try it with a big rock?

What? Double or nothing.

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