Original subtitles

Don't move, Drew. You've got a bug on the back of your head.

Ow!

Oh, sorry. What I meant was the back of his head bugged me.

Hello?

Oh, Mrs.

Louder.

Yeah.

Oh, an important promotion.

Oh, thank God. I wasn't going to tell you this, but I'm so far in debt, I was

thinking of hanging myself.

Oh, you want to talk to Kerry?

Yeah.

Yes, ma 'am. Carrie, the corporate bigwigs in Amsterdam have decided to

Winfred Lauder's stores in Europe and the Far East.

We think you're the man to oversee staffing.

Wow, it's great.

You know, it makes sense, though, because my people skills transcend

barriers, and I'm all up to date on the concept of multinational diversity.

Yeah, that's it.

I'm glad you said that because there's some people around here that think all

the decisions are made at random.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Now, if you're serious about this promotion, get up here right away before

change my mind. I'm on my way.

I got a promotion.

I finally got a promotion.

Hey, let me out of here.

Hit the unlock, pig.

Your window's open here. Use the key and unlock the door from over there. Okay.

Almost got it.

Can you climb out?

Dream on. I'm wearing a short skirt.

Oh, well, this is an emergency. I'll give you a hand. No, no, no.

See, my dates do this a thousand times.

Oh, crud. Steer bag exploded.

Can we call Michael Lowder?

No. Like, she's going to send me overseas if I can't even get out of my

Hey, hey, hey, hey. You call that a parking job?

Straighten that thing out. You know, I'm kind of in a hurry right now. I'll get

it later on. Hey, you got a problem with authority, don't you, buddy?

Listen, you're a parking attendant. What do you do, make my car stay after work?

No.

It's not going to tell you to watch out for that oil slick.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock.

Living in sin with a safety pin gone clean.

Well, do you want me to call Mrs. Plowder now?

No. Let them wait for a change. They need me.

Besides, what good does rushing do you?

It's like showing up early for a date. You're standing there, the window's

you hear her mother yapping. Oh, I don't want you going out with him. He's a

loser. Oh, my God, he's hiding in the bushes.

Well, I think this promotion is going to change your life.

You're not going to be the loser anymore. You're going to be the

hiding in the bushes.

Oh, hey, can I get a hand for me? I need a shirt and a jacket here.

Mr. Carey.

You hired me yesterday and now you're testing me, aren't you?

No. Listen, this isn't a test.

Relax. Calm down. All you got to do is just bring these up and I'll be on my

way. No pressure.

Or else I fail the test and I'm fired.

I hear you.

I should just warn you that I don't respond well to...

I'm sorry, sir. You only get the umbrella when you buy the cologne, not

aftershave. Never mind. I'll get it myself.

Security! Help!

You want an umbrella for free?

Bend over!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Wow, you're a lot bigger than he looked across the room.

Stay out of this, little man.

Yeah, well, first of all, thank you. And second of all, let's all just calm

down, take a deep breath.

and realized that Kate's already involved in three -story lawsuits.

Oh, tell me something.

Do you ever have a right time of the month?

That's it.

It's go time.

All right, buddy, calm down.

Hey, I just paid for this.

There.

True.

so brave the way you ripped that guy's shirt while he was holding his arms.

I kept my eyes open and everything.

Mr. Carey, I'm really sorry. Let's just pretend that didn't happen.

So, I will run your charge card through and you'll be on your way. Okay. Add

another shirt to that, okay?

Uh -oh.

What? Uh -oh.

I've just overcharged you a little for the shirt.

$3 ,000?

Look, just avoid it and run back through.

I don't know how to avoid it.

Look, why don't you just pay your bill when you get it, and then they'll

reimburse you in a couple weeks.

Six months top.

Six months? Are you crazy? Stop yelling at me!

We are still waiting for you in the boardroom.

Hold your horses, will you?

Holy crap.

Gangway, gangway.

Hold the elevator.

Show up with the board again, huh, Carrie?

No. As a matter of fact, I'm getting a promotion today.

Really?

That's great, man. It's my time. You deserve it.

Yeah, but I don't want to talk about it with kids.

Don't want to jinx it.

Hey, they're calling you up. There's nothing we can lose now.

Nothing but blue skies ahead.

Not even the guys above with their so -called...

powers can, you know... You

happy?

You think I wanted this to happen? I was on my way to the bathroom. I drained

this triple grande latte about 20 minutes ago.

Hello? Oh, yeah, thank God you're there. Yeah, we're trapped in the elevator.

What? An hour to two hours?

Hey, listen, I...

I have to get to the boardroom, but there's nothing you can do to help me.

Carrie. Let me handle this.

Look, pinhead, put the sandwich down, turn off the Jerry Springer, and get

overpaid lazy butt up.

Yeah, I'm up.

Let's feel great. Hey, now, let's find the guy that cuts our paychecks. We'll

make fun of his religion.

Got more bad news, Carrie.

I'm not dancing because I'm happy.

I'm not backing up so I can enjoy the view.

I hate this feeling. It's like the pressure's building and I can feel it

it's going to burst out of my body. I feel my bladder getting bigger.

Pushing and pushing. Just stop it!

I had a long drive in.

Hey, man, we can't wait two hours, okay? We've got to do it right here. We're

trapped in the elevator. People will understand. No, no, we can wait. We can

wait.

How long's it been? Not two hours.

Give me the cup. No, it's my cup.

Give me your shoe. Use your own shoe.

I'll sell you the cup. Ten bucks.

Fifteen.

Hey, look, Terry, we're on camera.

Oh, geez.

Well, the big surprise is he does it standing up.

Boy, when you hold it that long, it's almost as good as sex.

Hey, Drew, we're looking for you.

Hey, I don't have time to talk now, but big party at my house later to celebrate

my promotion.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I gotta talk to you now. Look, I just had a

recovered memory, and you're the only one that can tell me if it's true.

Well, can I wait?

No, no, true. If the memory is true, my entire life is a lie.

Well, a lie's better than what you got. Go with the lie.

Hey, hey, Drew!

Come on now. We're all making sacrifices here. Louis risked his job by being

here, and I'm supposed to be parked behind the Walmart napping right now.

All right, just hurry up. Okay.

Okay.

We're little kids.

We're in my basement, and we're playing kerplunk.

I've beaten you four out of six games. No, five out of six games.

Okay, you won the first game. Okay, yes, I remember.

It was horrible. And yet we survived it. We must never speak of this again.

No, no, no.

Anyway,

my mother comes downstairs and she calls me Aaron.

Why Aaron?

Okay, my thinking is that I used to have a twin.

His name was Louis.

Times are tough. They need the money. So they sell him to a barren Norwegian

couple. Why?

Tall, fair, and lanky, huh?

Now, the rest of this story is just speculation.

To cover their tracks, they named me Lewis.

And since I was six, I was forced to live the life he would have lived

of the life I should have lived, which was that of a dashing bodybuilding

scientist. Now, Poole, you hold the key.

Look, your name's not Aaron, okay?

It's Lewis.

It never was. You never were a twin. It never happened.

Oh, okay, you're probably right.

He's in on the cover -up the government must have got to him.

So he's a robot, too.

We'll conduct tests when he's sleeping.

Right.

Bye.

Hey,

hey, what are you doing? Get that out of here.

No way, man. We just hauled this down for flights. We're taking a break.

Listen, the elevator's broken.

I got a important meeting to get to.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

You know, I got a real important meeting to get to, too.

See, my back's got to meet this wall while I enjoy a cool, mentholated smoke.

Attention, Drew Carey.

The promotion train is leaving in ten minutes with or without you. You have

minutes, that is all.

You know, what are my heroes?

Henry Clay, the great compromiser, he would sit here and try to reason this

with you.

My other hero, Godzilla, would do this.

Run!

Carrie,

you have seven minutes to get up here. That's the skinny number between six and

eight. Drew, got a minute?

Oh, yeah.

I forgot to ask you out so you could turn me down today. Want to go out? No?

Okay, bye.

Actually, I might.

Oh, man. Today?

Yeah, yeah. Just broke up with my boyfriend and kind of lonely.

I'm back.

But I got to go. But I want to go out with you. Can I call you later?

No, I'm going home early.

Just want to crawl in bed with a good book or something.

You want to come home with me?

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

But I can't.

Are you crying?

A little bit.

When did men become women?

72. David Bowie, Ziggy Stardust. That's when, baby.

Mr. Carey, you've got five minutes to get your butt up here. The rest of you,

please enjoy your shopping.

Prince Drew, what's taking you so long?

Men's room gets stuck between floors?

Hey, thanks for the pep talk, eraser head.

You know, you want to do yourself a favor? Go to the top drawer and start

filling out the paperwork so you can take over my cubicle after I leave. You

don't have to tell me twice.

Mr. Wick, can I wait? I have to see Mrs. Lowry. Who are we fooling, Carey? You

don't want this job.

What are you talking about?

Fear of success, Carey. Although statistically speaking, you should be

frightened of dinosaurs coming back to eat you.

I'm not afraid of success, all right? Success is afraid of me.

I think you're afraid that when you finally achieve success, you won't be

And then all those years of scratching and clawing will have been for naught.

Crazy.

It takes two minutes to get from the garage to the boardroom. It's been 15

minutes, and you're still not there.

Yeah, but I had a stop.

I had reasons. I had to help people. I had to!

Everything's a choice, Carey.

Think about it.

Ha!

beyond our wildest dreams.

How did you find the Far East?

Well, I went far, then I turned east.

No, but seriously.

Mrs. Lowder, I've brought you strange and wonderful things from faraway

This lustrous fabric is made by worms.

I call it silk.

It's my new wife, Pamela Lee. Oh.

Drew, thanks to you, Winfred Lauder is having the best year ever.

And we would like to offer this to you as a little token of our appreciation.

Wow!

Hey, I'm going to give this money back to Cleveland.

I'm buying the Browns. Hey!

And I'm going to be the quarterback.

Oh, yeah.

Fine. I'm not afraid of success.

I'd love it.

Oh, did I say you were afraid of success? I'm sorry. I meant to say I'm

of your success.

That's why I made you waste another two minutes of your time.

On my way, Mimi.

Mrs. Lauder's waiting for me in there.

I don't think so, pig.

You made me look bad in front of Mr. Wick.

Listen, I'm going in that boardroom. Now, you can either bring part of the

solution or part of the doorframe.

Choose.

49, 48, 40. Oh, you know what? I'm tired of this whole thing. Who wants the job?

It's yours.

I made it.

I made it. I made it with 15 seconds to spare.

Oh,

you're not supposed to feel your heart jiggle, are you?

I'm sorry. Hurry, Carrie. I gave the job away. I'm not as patient a woman as I

used to be. Better luck next time.

Wait a second.

Wait a second. You told me that if I got here in 10 minutes, I'd get the job. I

got here in 9 minutes and 45 seconds.

And I gotta tell you, I don't like the look of that bingo wheel either.

9 minutes, 45 seconds, 10 minutes. What's the difference?

I've got plastic hips, and I could have made it faster than that.

Yeah, but I made it, see?

Now, you've been promising me stuff and pulling the rug out from under me for 12

years. Now, I deserve that promotion, and I want it now.

No.

Look, uh, I don't know how you behaved before the earth cooled.

But I busted my butt to get up here.

I almost urinated on an elevator.

I passed up a chance to have sex to get up here in time.

You know what the point is?

The point is I quit.

That's right.

I'd rather dig ditches than work somewhere where I'm not appreciated. And

and you, and you, and you, and you, you can all just go to hell. Wow, you have a

pair after all. They must have dropped when you hit the door.

All right, you got the promotion.

The job starts in September.

There's a 10 % raise.

And there's a title, too. What are you now?

I'm the assistant director of personnel.

Then you're the international assistant director of personnel.

Thank you.

Thank you, and you won't regret it. Now, if you want this to be a done deal,

there's just one more simple thing. Go downstairs, get the forms, and be back

here in ten minutes.

Yeah, but I...

finally promoted drew was finally promoted and nobody had to die and

had to die and nobody had to die all right all right all right stop being

about halfway through all right in honor of your promotion we went back and

found some of the party decorations from the first time we thought you were

going to climb the corporate ladder the preppy look was in and everybody was

dirty dancing and we said you may die before you date but you'll get promoted

88

Okay, a couple more years went by, and suddenly, you were up for another

promotion. And Vanilla Ice was top in the charts.

And we said, going to the top in 91, this year, they're bound to throw you a

crumb. Well,

a couple more years went by, and we started being a little more careful with

words. That's true. But we still had hope in our hearts. Who could ever

we're hoping for more in 94.

The dream's still alive in 95.

96, now you're just not trying.

97, hey look, I can write with a marker in my nose.

And finally, in 1998.

In this great country, the land of opportunity.

Where any idiot can whittle away the competition or simply outlive them, Drew

Carey has done what so many generations of Careys have only dreamt of.

Climbed one rung up the corporate ladder, standing boldly on the threshold

lower middle class.

From sea to shining sea.

Don't screw it up, Drew.

Don't you worry about it.

This is the new Drew Carey. I'm all about success.

I'm all about taking risks. I'm going to win big or I'm going to lose big.

Either way, my rug's on fire.

That's not a figure of speech. My rug's on fire.

Coming.

Hey, Bessie, my old fridge. You're back.

Hey, where'd you find it?

Drew, you've been putting on a brave front, but we know you've been missing

old girl. So we decided to go to the junkyard and buy her back.

Well, my two bridges at once, that's my biggest fantasy.

That's all I need to hear to leave.