Original subtitles

Thanks for having the cousin's picnic, Drew.

Everybody's having a great time.

Hey, you're family. I could stand you people at least one day a year.

Hey, who wants a tofu dog?

Hey, Lewis, can you get some more business beer? We're almost out.

Geez, why don't you just flood the backyard and give them all snorkels?

No, and we just ate.

How you doing? Hey, Bill Carey. Has Drew ever told you about me?

No, but let me guess.

You're single, nothing on the horizon, been stuck in the same job 10 to 20

because your boss won't give you a stinking break, and you've been hanging

with the same loser friend since high school.

Maybe I don't need my loser friend. You seem pretty nice.

I've changed my mind, bro. I'm going home.

What are you talking about? You've been upstairs pimping for hours. You've tried

on four different dresses. You look great.

I look fat.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Cut that out. Now, you look better than half the women out there.

Thanks for trying.

Hey, Lucy, what are you worried about, huh?

I'll go out there with you when you make your big announcement to your cross

-dresser, and then we'll revive the relatives we like.

Hey, Drew. Hey, Kristen.

How's my favorite cousin? Great.

You know, you should tell your date she needs a slip. You can see everything

through that skirt.

Steve?

Honey, there's something I have to tell you.

I dress like a woman.

Wow.

Why?

Uh, there's many things about Steve that are a mystery, Kristen.

Except for one thing, you better put on a slip.

Sorry.

Man, I never would have guessed.

Sorry, I hope that didn't freak you out.

Hey, I walked in on Grandma in the bathroom. What doesn't kill you makes

stronger.

Hey, what are you doing here? Mom said you were looking for colleges. No, I got

into Case Western. Oh, great.

Boy, I wish I knew somebody who lived in Cleveland with a nice house I could

stay in.

I know what you're getting at.

No, I said a nice house.

Now that you mention it, I guess this will do until the dorms open.

You mean all summer?

Okay, listen, before I say that, there's a few ground rules. First of all, When

I bring home a date, if I bring home a date... Ah, what the hell, I could use

some company. Hey,

Drew, how's it hanging?

I can't tell.

Great. Then I'm ready.

Wish me luck.

Hey,

guys, it's me, Steve.

Thanks, Uncle Bob.

Ohio! Hey,

who rearranged my desk?

Mimi?

So should I put on a face mask, a cup, or should I run like hell?

Well, a mask only covers your face. You got nothing to protect with a cup.

chocolate pork chops outside, you ain't running nowhere.

Bing, bang, boom.

Bing, bang, boom.

What's the sound three mirrors make when you look at them?

I didn't touch your desk.

Your cousin Kristen rearranged it.

Man, you give a kid a part -time job, she goes crazy.

Hey! Look where she put my candy bars.

Now I don't have to bend over so far to get to them.

Actually, that was my idea. Not that I don't enjoy my hourly viewing of the

Great Divide.

Hey, cuz.

Here, Mimi. I have updated your phone directory.

And I got you a little something for not punishing me because I'm related to

Drew.

It's a troll tribute to the 70s.

It's the village trolls.

Morning, all.

Oh, goody, more trolls.

At last, you've managed to get rid of the last two square inches of sanity on

your desk.

Uh, Mr. Wick, have you signed my proof of employment? I need it for my student

loan. Mimi, where's this young lady's proof of employment?

Oh, I must have left it in the copy room. I'll get it when I'm done

my trolls.

Couldn't we get it now?

I said I'll get it when I'm done rearranging my trolls.

Who's giving orders to whom here? He asked rhetorically before taking the

attempt to go get it himself. Follow me.

In the Navy.

In the Navy.

I think it's time that they put...

Here's the proof of employment form. It's here all the time.

I'll give it to her.

You stay here and play with the troll.

Talking to you, William.

Hey, Mimi, I got a package for Mr. Wick. Hey, doofus, don't you get bored out of

your skull -delivering boxes all day?

86, 87, 88. 88 tiles from the elevator to your desk.

I'll take that as no.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What? What happened?

I just saw...

Kristen and Mr. Wick kissing in the copy room.

Look, this is very embarrassing. Why don't we go into my office? I'm fine

I am. Give me one reason why I shouldn't punch you in the mouth. Well, first of

all, I break like a rice cake.

And it was mutual.

Listen, you are only 18. You are fresh out of high school. You don't know

anything about life. And I will not have you learning about it before I do.

Drew, this is really not a big deal. I'm very mature for my age. And I'm very

immature. It's quite a good fit, really.

Hey, hey, nobody's fitting anybody, all right?

You're getting another job, and you're not going to see her again, and that's

the end of the story.

Drew, this isn't the way to handle the situation.

No, Mr. Wick, I'm not talking to you about Kristen. Case closed.

Well, you're a bigger one.

Hey, Drew.

So where's Lolita?

She's upstairs sulking.

Man, I can't believe this just happened for a week right under my nose. I didn't

even have a clue.

What's the big deal about a younger woman dating an older man? I mean,

both the legal age.

No, I'm not shutting up. I got a right to ask.

I can have my own point of view, you know.

So what's with this creepy old guy forcing himself on that little angel?

Kristen, maybe you and I could have a little private talk.

That's right. You listen to her, Miffy.

She's made every possible bad choice, this one.

Hey!

Now you listen to him.

Do what you want. Apparently I'm a big whore.

Oh, gee, I wonder who that could be. I'll get it.

I am not letting Wig through this door.

Drew, I have five Carey brothers.

I learned a long time ago how to flip a fat man.

You know, you put me in a hell of a situation here. He's my boss, you know.

a killer.

Hello, Mr. Carey.

If you can't see Kristen, go home.

Fine, I'll just come out there.

No, no, Kristen, we're going to do this the right way. I want your family's

approval.

All I ask is five minutes to speak with you, man to man.

Yeah, sure, compliment me.

Kristen, why don't you go wait in the other room? We don't need anybody

all emotional here.

I'll miss you.

Are you helping? Is that helping?

Sit down.

Now, listen, I'm not sure I want to know the answer to this, but how far has

this thing gone?

Sir, I'm an Englishman. I never kiss and tell.

As we're in America, second base.

Cleveland second base or New York second base?

Kerry, I want your blessing, but the fact is she's of age, I'm of age, and

there's very little you can do to keep us apart.

Yeah, I guess you got me over a barrel.

Which, by the way, is Kentucky Second Base.

Just protect her with your life. She's the only good -looking Carrie. We're

still doing a test on her. Kristen?

Yeah?

If you want to wreck my life and ruin any chance I have of sleeping and tie my

guts in a knot that'll gridlock my lunch for the next year, then go out with Mr.

Rick.

Well, Drew, if you feel that strongly about it, I guess you shouldn't ask for

the car, too.

Thanks for understanding, Drew.

I'll see you guys later.

We're off to the symphony, everyone. I'll have her back by midnight.

Ta! Ta!

I think I did the right thing. I hope I did the right thing.

Well, now you know all the pain and anguish your parents went through the

you went out on your date.

Good morning.

How's it going?

Great. I was just making you breakfast because you were so nice last night.

Oh, hey, look, I'm not that much older than you. I mean, I remember what it's

like to be young, fighting certain urges.

I read Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

That's about a girl getting her period.

Wow, I totally misinterpreted that.

How'd your date go? Great, and I was home before midnight.

Hey, you know what? You could have been home at 12 .30. It wouldn't matter to

me. I'm cool like that.

That's why you're my favorite cousin, Drew.

You do the dishes after you use them. That's why you're my favorite cousin.

Hey, look, this one's so shiny, I can see the naked man I'm gonna go kill.

Okay, let's be civilized about this. Yeah.

Where are my manners? Here you are, half naked in my kitchen, and I haven't

started beating you yet.

Don't jump to conclusions. Now, hear me out. Haven't you ever been talking to

someone fascinating and just totally lost track of time?

Yeah, I didn't lose track of my pants.

Yes, but haven't you ever been eating something and then you spill something

your pants and you take them off to get the stain out?

Yeah.

And then haven't you ever celebrated getting the stain out by having sex?

I've seen you at the family softball games. You're just going to miss his

and throw out your shoulder.

Yeah, you're right.

But I never miss with this.

Kristen, I want you to leave the room. This could get messy.

You going to cry? I might.

So, you going to stop seeing her or do I have to use this?

What's it going to be?

We're in love, Drew.

Oh, man.

I'm sorry.

Started out just goofing around.

So you're telling me that I have to go to my aunt and uncle and tell them that

my middle -aged boss has serious intentions toward their little girl?

I'm afraid so.

And then after the family kicks us out, the next family barbecues is going to be

you guys and me?

Hey, I've got lots of relatives.

We like to sunbathe nude.

Hey, Mimi, you got a package for me? Mm -hmm. Here.

You're sending a package to Drew's cousin?

Yeah, it's a congratulations, I'm so happy you're in a relationship with the

I love gift.

All suspicious packages must be thoroughly investigated.

Oh, it's a, it's a, it's a teddy bear.

You sure are a fuzzy one, aren't you? I think I'll call you Mr.

Fuzzy.

Oh, look, he talks, too.

Oh, my God, it's Amy! Turn the bear away! Turn the bear away!

Look at me!

I'm the...

a little longer having laughed at it.

Thank you.

Drew, have you seen Wick?

He's all nice now. It's creepy.

I know. That's why I had to take some drastic measures.

Tonight, I'm treating them both to a dinner cruise on the river.

Aha!

Is what I'd say if that made any sense.

See, I'm an authority figure and Kristen's rebelling against me.

Now, if I pretend I'm all right with all of this, maybe the forbidden fruit

won't taste so sweet.

How the hell would you know what fruit tastes like?

I'll have you know that every morning... Not counting Pop -Tarts.

Hey, kids!

Having fun?

Yeah. Well, the teen center is closed. Get the hell out.

I suppose you know why I'm here, Carrie.

To hit the last of my dreams over the head with a shovel?

You still have dreams?

No. I'm here about Wick and your cousin. The point is, your cousin is

distracting Wick from his job. He's not the bastard I hired.

And you're responsible.

Split them up.

Or I'll be riding you like a carnival pony at a children's birthday party.

I'm from work. Can I take a message?

Oh, Kristen's mom.

How you doing? It's Lewis.

That's right, the tall, putty -nosed geek.

That's me, Mr. Beady Eyes.

Right, Ichabod Crane, all right? You know who I am.

Kristen, yeah, she's fine.

Well, let's just say she's been boning up on her English.

Okay, I'll call Nicole.

Bye -bye.

Ashley Judd, out of gas. Just this once. Come on, baby.

Oh, Mr. Wick.

Hello. I've come to see Christian. Oh.

Do you mind if I ask you something totally non -judgmental? Certainly. Have

no shame?

Would you date your own sister? She's 18 years old, for God's sake.

Jealous?

A little.

Mr. Wick.

I'm glad you're here. Listen, uh...

We have to talk about you and Kristen. This has to stop.

How awkward a moment are you waiting for before you leave?

Oh, this is a good one.

Oh, Nigel, hey. What's up?

I was going to tell you what's up.

I've got to go to the kitchen and put the fleamer and the present in there.

I knew you'd be missing me, so I brought you a present. A great big box of

Nigel.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm sorry. I got plans of getting together with some friends tonight.

What? Are you saying that I wouldn't fit in?

No, I'm just saying you wouldn't be interested if just a couple of guys met

at the gym.

You're going out with guys?

Yeah. Yeah, Mark and Tom, they go to Cleveland State.

College boys!

Hey, I like them.

I like them a lot.

An old man river, he just keeps rolling along.

See you later, Mr. Wick.

Wait, uh...

Well, why don't I drive you? The whole evening could be my treat.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Why? Because I'll be interrupting your sexual intercourse?

Whoa, and a car goes into the crowd.

This is getting incredibly creepy. I don't think we should see each other

anymore. Good night, Nigel.

Clock it. Time of death is 7 .01. Hey.

If you love something, let it go.

Better love than lost. Drive carefully. Buckle up. Top.

Chicka -boom, chicka -boom.

Don't you just love a chicka -boom, chicka -boom.

Don't you just love a chicka -boom, chicka -boom.

Don't you just love a chicka -boom, chicka -boom, boom, boom.

Chicka -boom, chicka -boom.

Nice rap.

Get off of there. There's no street shoes on my pool table.

I'm going to hose you down. No, no, no.

Not my hair.

The color will run down my neck.

I can't believe we're ending like this.

We were so perfect together.

Perfect?

Hey, listen.

No offense, but you're a pathetic older guy running after a girl who's younger

than you and doesn't even love you.

You're not Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate. You're Dennis Hopper in Blue

I'll just get my coat and leave.

Where is your coat?

I didn't bring one.

I just want you to bring her down for one last goodbye, please.

All right,

but that's it.

Hey, uh, Mr. Wick.

I hope this doesn't hurt our relationship at work or anything.

Don't worry, I couldn't think any less of you. Thank you, sir.

One moment.

Yeah. Hey, we're Christian's friends.

Are you the guy that's been bothering her? She just called, said some British

guy won't leave her alone, and we're here to kick his ass.

British? Does that sound British to you, boy?

That fat, four -eyed cradle robber is upstairs bothering your girl as we

It's time to go to work!

You must be...

Hey,

Kristen called us over.

It wasn't our idea, okay?

What's my little brother again? I'll forget I'm a lady.