All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s03e24 The Dating Consultant

So, uh, this all worked out. That'd be
your bedroom.

You know, we're not just talking about
roommates here. We're talking about a

partnership. Are you ready for that kind
of commitment?

Who's he?

He's my ex.

Roommate.

He's moved on, but we're still social.

Well, I'm just looking for a place to
drink beer, shoot pool, hang out. Oh, if

you like to drink beer, you've come to
the right place, my friend.

Tim, let there be beer.

And it was good.

Well, right over a bar.

And right over a blog.

She's got a frosty mug.

I'll bet she could make my slow gin fit.

Well, thanks for coming.

We'll let you know.

That's the fifth guy you've turned away.

He didn't have a brain in his head.

How long do you think he could live with
that?

You're right.

Him and his stupid jokes.

Slow gin fizz. I'd like to twist his top
off for him out.

If you could bottle that and get another
guy to drink it, I'd have a new

roommate.

Door.

Oh, Danny boy, the pipes.

Hey, Lewis, did you order a drunken
idiot?

Atta boy, hardly boys.

Hey, hey, hey, don't leave your empties
here.

Take them back to your house.

Can't you scratch out an extra room with
your hind claws?

The spin is rooming.

back downstairs and find Mr. Wright.

Anyone named Mr. Wright, run!

Hi, you might find my lucky chair.

One night I sat in here all night
drinking and I didn't fall out of it.

Yeah, I'm kind of a regular here. It's
my second home.

So I guess you drink a lot.

Only enough to kill the pain.

See, normally I'd play this out a little
longer, but I better stop you right

now. You got a boyfriend, huh? No, I'm a
professional.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm probably scaring away
business.

I'm a dating consultant.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Everybody wants
a title.

What I do is watch your social
intercourse and evaluate it.

Let me ask you straight out. Are you a
hooker or not?

It's a shame for you I'm not, because
your approach with women would work well

on hookers.

What's a value date?

Wow, you really are like a dating
consultant.

Mm -hmm. It's only $250 for a six -week
course. If you're interested, give us

the call.

Listen, Drew Carey does not pay $250 to
learn how to meet women.

Drew Carey meets one woman, spends $1
,000 on an engagement ring for her, she

dumps him and he comes here. That's what
Drew Carey does.

There's something terribly wrong with
your toilet.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

Our little chicks with the crimson lips.

Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!
Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!

Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!
Cleveland Rocks!

Ohio! I

can't

believe it's 8 o 'clock on a Saturday
night and I'm already done with my

ironing.

Nice thing. I'm not done.

Hey, Drew.

Whatcha doing?

Oh, you know, guy stuff. Watching a war
movie.

Is that Shirley Temple?

Uh -huh.

Her dad's a Confederate officer, and
that guy's a Union soldier.

And Shirley is the spunky little
ragamuffin who just might bring them

Wow, look at our little legs go.

It's Saturday night and you're watching
Shirley Temple.

That must mean it's... Yeah, it's
quartered as sad.

Hey, believe me, if I had something
better to do... Hey, did you ever hear

this place, uh, Value Date?

I'm thinking of checking them out.

250 bucks?

Geez, I would tell my bad days what was
wrong with them just for dinner and a

movie.

You know, there's dinner, there's a
movie. Let's go.

Okay. Let's pretend we're on a first
date.

It's that awkward time before they bring
the menus where we have to make small

talk.

Okay.

What do you say?

If you don't have sex with me tonight,
I'm going to blow my head off.

See, I wouldn't call attention to your
head.

Right. Okay.

Gee, you look lovely. And I really like
your haircut that way.

Thank you.

Yeah, you can see a lot more of your
face now.

Are you saying I got a big face and it's
like bursting out of my hair?

No, your face is in perfect proportion
to the rest of your body.

So now you're saying I got a big ass?

Because we know I got the big face.

You got a perfect face, a beautiful
body.

Come on.

Let me see that big old jack -o'
-lantern smile of yours.

I can't believe in 30 seconds you made
me crazy about the way I look. Is this

what you've been doing to women?

You need professional help. You should
go to a value date.

Been thinking of saying anything about
those toboggans she calls feet?

As big as my foot might be, I might lose
it where I'm about to bury it.

Hey, Precho.

You know, I've been meaning to talk to
you about your marrying O 'Brien.

I think she's in love with Drew.

What makes you say that?

Well, I saw him going at it in the
coffee room stark naked.

I think it was Kate under there. All I
saw were two hands sticking out from

underneath him going... Well, that's
what my Katie bear does.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, well, there's my date. Gotta go.
Wait.

You can't just walk away after saying
that.

Yes, I can.

There's just stuff I made up to screw
with you. Now that I know what O 'Brien

does in bed, I'm going to use it against
your work. Thanks, doofus.

Ooh, relax.

Relax. Joining a value date is going to
be the best money you ever spent.

I hope so, because my date's right over
there.

Now, listen, how do you actually observe
the date? I mean, do you have to sit at

the table with me, or do I have to
strike out so loud you can hear me in

back?

No, just tell her that we're out -of
-town business associates and you don't

know us that well.

Hi, Robin. How are you?

This is Sue and Bill. They're my out -of
-town business associates. I don't know

them that well.

You look lovely.

I compare you to the other women in the
room, but I can't even see them.

True. That's so sweet.

Let me order us some drinks.

Oh, I don't drink.

Oh, I guess I got my work cut out for
me, huh?

I can go to the bathroom with the door
open. I live all alone.

I can walk on the couch and no one yells
at me. No one, no one, no one, no one.

I can drink milk from the carton because
no one's here to care.

Expired in March.

Never drink milk, always stick to beer.

Who's that? Who's that? Who's that?
Who's that? Who's that?

Loose old boy, this is my friend,
Burberry.

Would you mind sitting over here for a
moment, my dear, while I talk to my

friend, Lewis?

What are you doing?

Do you mind if I crash at your place
again? I believe I'm too inebriated to

drive. Oh, no, you just want to use my
bedroom to have a one -night stand, no?

One night? That's quite a commitment.

I was thinking just maybe an hour or
two.

No, I don't want strangers having sex in
my bed unless I'm one of them.

Would, uh, $50 change your mind?

Twenty bucks would change my mind. Fifty
gets you a photographer.

Listen, this is probably not a value
date, but I want to go home. No.

Drew, you are home.

Excuse me, but I think you're as
beautiful as Emissary Dax on Deep Space

Don't be such a spod, Dax. It's a hot
chick with an old man worm in her head.

Okay. That's what I'm saying, Twink.

She's in Seven of Nines League. Yeah,
well, Seven of Nine couldn't carry your

cybernetic implant.

Well, I could listen to this for about,
oh, two minutes, and I just did. So,

goodbye.

So, what's a guy like you need to take a
dating class for, huh?

Oh, me? I'm one of those guys who
doesn't realize how attractive they are.

That's what my mom says about me.

Wouldn't it be great if you could marry
your mom?

Oh, hello.

Hi.

I would like to welcome all of our
returning members back to EvaluDate.

Tonight we have a new member, Drew.
Would you like to stand up and introduce

yourself to the group?

Not for all the money in the world.

Okay, let's start with a progress report
from one of our returning students who

would like to tell us about a date
they've had.

Theodore.

I asked out this girl who I work with,
took her to an IMAX movie.

History of flight.

Yeah, I'll take a date there.

Oh, man.

Then I brought her to dinner, and I did
this staring thing that you taught us,

but I don't think she liked it.

It's not staring. It's making eye
contact for five seconds. It establishes

connection. Oh, well, I thought if for
five seconds was good, then five minutes

she'd be all over me.

Uh -huh. Okay. Well, thanks.

Thanks. Who can tell me what mistake
Theodore made? Drew.

You don't stare at anything for five
minutes unless it's a rattlesnake or a

waiting to cool.

Would you mind if we went over the date
I observed to teach the class a few

things? Well, you want to use me as an
example?

Oh, I can see why. I mean, kind of like
a magician showing the audience his

tricks, but...

What the heck? Go ahead.

Good, because we had a hidden camera and
I videotaped it. What?

That's 11 years of the same crappy job.
You know, I still haven't saved a dime.

Don't stop it there. I mean, rewind it a
little bit. You'll see that she asked

me, how come my suit looks so cheap? And
I was just explaining to her.

You could have put a better... Spin on
it. Yeah, yeah, spin, spin. I mean,

that's like the first thing that we
learned.

Example, I am not a video store clerk.

I'm a filmrarian.

So let's see how the rest of Drew's date
went.

Do you see anything? I think I sat in
something wet.

I sat in some beer. I was just trying to
make sure that's what it was.

You don't smell your pants on a date,
you dorkmunder.

Call your mom and have her bring you a
fresh pear.

Class, class. Drew was nice enough to
let us use this as a teaching exercise,

there's no need for name -calling.

Let's see how dinner went.

Hey, you know, before our salads get
here, I was wondering, maybe, do you

to go on another date tomorrow night?

Probably not.

Let's fast forward to dessert.

Okay.

Anyone?

You don't ask for another date before
the salad arrives.

His head's too big.

looks like my dad.

And now for the goodnight kiss.

You know damn well there was no
goodnight kiss you bastards.

I can't believe I'm paying good money
and if you might recall I haven't saved

dime to come here and get humiliated. Oh
man my payday melted.

If you've been a gay, just keep on
laughing.

And we had sex.

And it wasn't in a chat room.

I thought so.

Well, somebody's looking a little down
in the snout.

Look, I don't want to argue, Mimi. I
just got ripped off by a dating play.

Just take your shots and get out of your
face.

You mean get out of your face?

No.

You know, I never could relate to those
dating service things.

I mean, every time I break up with a
guy, I know there'll be ten more banging

my door.

Gee, I wish I had a self -esteem as out
of whack as yours.

Fine. If you don't want to talk about
it, okay.

I'm sorry. I just... I'm beginning to
doubt everything about myself. I mean...

First, my engagement breaks off. Then I
get laughed out of a dating class by a

bunch of geeks. I mean, I don't know
what the hell's wrong with me anymore.

Just having a tough month, Drew. Stay
strong.

Thanks, Mimi. That's really... Wait a
second.

You're being nice to me. I can't have
sunk that low.

Come on, take a shot.

Keep your chin up, Drew.

You mean chins, don't you?

Chins up.

you to call me fat ass or stupid or
impotent to feel good about myself i can

a date anytime i want to hi how much of
that did you hear

look i came to the better business

bureau to put these people out of
business well look at this so -called

hair cutter look what it did to me we'll
contact the business and if they don't

respond we'll put them on our warning
list thank you

Don't worry, brother.

We're going to get those bastards.

Can I help you? Yeah, hi. My name is
Drew, and there's this business. They

me a lot of promises they could deliver,
and I want to get my money back.

What kind of business was this?

Can I maybe talk to a guy about this?

Oh...

If this is about the men's enhancement
device, we can refer you to a team of

doctors who are working on a special
sling.

What? Oh, no, no.

It was a dating consultant place, a
value date.

And it cost me $250.

I didn't learn a thing. It was just a
lousy, humiliating experience.

Oh, you poor guy.

You have no idea how poor.

I worked for the same crappy job for 11
years. I still haven't saved a dime.

You're doing it again, you idiot. She's
cute. Don't put yourself down.

Spin. Spin.

When I say I haven't saved a dime, it's
because I poured all my money into my

business and a very expensive operation
for my handicapped dog, who I love very

much.

It worked.

Chicks love dogs.

Jump on her.

I don't know why I'm spending all this
time talking about myself.

Don't look at it. Just cross your legs
and wipe it on your sock.

Maybe we should get back to your
complaint.

You're losing her.

Do something from class.

Stare at her.

Stare at her.

I'll tell you, one thing I have no
complaints about is those blue eyes of

I'm sorry.

They're so pretty, it's distracting.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi.

You know, from any other guy, that'd
sound like a line. But from you, I think

you really mean it.

Thank you.

And five Mississippi.

Hey, you know, I was just thinking, I
haven't eaten yet. Maybe you'd like to

to lunch.

Actually, I brought my lunch today.

Oh, well, that's cool.

Listen, just give me a call.

When you hear from the company.

Uh, wait a minute.

It would be kind of nice to get out. Do
you mind?

No, let's go.

Should I bring these forms?

You know what?

Life's too short for that kind of stuff.
Why don't we just forget it?

Man, I'm really glad this is working
out. I was kind of worried there for a

second. I mean, I really think we should
make definite plans for this weekend.

We can go to the IMAX and see history of
flight. They have everything there from

Wright Brothers all the way up to the
space shuttle.

I like to sit in the front row.

You know, I'm just remembering an office
rule.

Employees can't date... you.

He's grinding me again.

Theodore, don't hold Drew so close.

I'm 35 years old and pretending

I'm a robot.

And no one yells at me.

Hi there.

Hey.

How's the roommate hunt going, buddy?

Not too good. There's a lot of real nut
jobs out there.

Thank you.