Original subtitles

Hey, thanks for coming over on such short notice.

How's it looking there?

You do know this is a dryer, right?

Of course I know it's a dryer.

Okay, I'm just trying to figure out why there's cheese in your lint trap.

We were drunk, we had pizza mix, blow dryer was taking too long.

That's the most stupid thing I ever heard. Not for long, I haven't finished

story yet.

Can't wait.

Well, see, we were making pizza in the dryer because we were already making

ashtrays in the oven and Tupperware sculptor in the microwave.

Did I mention we were drunk?

Don't feel bad. I get a lot of calls like this.

Yeah, well, listen, before you go around the neighborhood telling everybody that

Drew Carey's a drunken lunatic, I just want to tell you that we were drunk last

night because we were celebrating.

Oh, yeah? What for?

Oh, I finally made the last payment on an engagement ring I bought for this

woman who dumped me.

You want to see it? It's sitting in the freezer.

Is it still on her finger?

Hey, Drew. Hey, Drew. Hey, everybody.

This is Sharon. She came here to fix all the stuff we broke last night.

Didn't she do anything about the VCR?

You broke the VCR?

No. I was thinking that the VCR was sad because the dryer was broken because

they're friends and stuff.

I got to go tally the stuff. And I'm not just saying this because it's good for

business.

Party on.

Wow. Nice looking handyman.

Yeah. Did she borrow your tool?

You mean my penis?

Yeah, she used my penis to fix the dryer.

You weren't so high and mighty last night when you were wrestling the dog in

your boxer shorts.

I never did that.

Who did?

Who cares who did it? What is this, a witch hunt?

That's it, Drew. No more broken hearts. I can't handle the drinking anymore.

Last night I thought I was cheating on Oswald.

Luckily, it was just Oswald.

I was a sailor called Pablo.

You know, I think Drew should get right back on the horse, huh? And right out

there is a handywoman who has seen and apparently accepts how creepy he looks.

Would you let it go? Let him get over Nicky. Hey, I'm over Nicky. I realized

that last night when I was sitting here feeling bad for myself thinking...

Man, I am the biggest loser in the world.

Then I saw Lewis out in the backyard wrestling with Speedy.

Would you drop it, okay? At the time, I thought he was a grizzly.

Excuse me for saving your house.

So if you saw over Nicky, why don't you ask the Haiti woman out? Would you give

it a rest? He was just engaged.

If we broke up, would you be dating in less than a month? I wouldn't. But Pablo

might.

All right, Drew, here's your bill.

And about the VCR, I took off ten bucks because I found a porno tape in there.

I'm keeping it.

Well, this isn't so bad. Are you always just reasonable or you just do a crappy

job? I think she gave you an I like you discount.

Honey, there's something I want to show you in the car.

No, there isn't. You just want to yell at me.

We don't call it yelling. What do we call it? Stuff I should know by now.

Hey, look, my friends have emailed.

I don't want to take this the wrong way or anything, but I'm not looking to meet

anybody right now.

That's okay.

You're not my type anyway.

Well, I was just about to tell you that same thing, but right before you said

it.

Good, because I'm not interested.

Neither am I.

Okay, I just want to make sure you realize I was not flirting with you.

I'm sorry, I find you dull and uninteresting. Did you say something?

Yeah, I was just fantasizing about a real man. Bye.

I still got it.

No, you don't.

It's back where it belongs All the little chicks with the crimson lips go

Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock Living in sin with a safety pin go

Cleveland Rock

I saw the flyers you posted around the store.

Engagement ring for sale.

Why not just write pathetic loser everywhere?

Any other broken dreams you're looking to sell?

Perhaps an unopened box of condoms?

I know you're familiar with American culture, but our customs dictate that I

you in the mouth next time you say something like that. I'm game.

Although I must warn you, my screams can be quite ear -piercing.

I'm sure you're not bragging, sir, but unless you want to buy the engagement

ring, I have to get back to work.

Well, let's see it then.

You getting engaged, sir?

Well, for the weekend at least, although I sense we'll be growing apart by

Sunday.

I'm not selling it to you. This means a lot to me. I'm not going to sell it to

you just so you can get lucky.

Fine! Then let it be on your head that this poor woman slept with me and got

absolutely nothing out of it!

Any luck unloading that ring that you got back because your girlfriend dumped

you? Do you always have to add because your girlfriend dumped you?

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you in a bad mood because your girlfriend dumped you?

Yeah, sure. It's easy for you. I mean, you have all kinds of admirers. Look at

those flowers.

Oh, what kind of fool do you think I am?

No card.

Could be somebody shy.

Could be somebody who don't know how to write.

Could be a secret admirer.

Could be super glue.

You'll pay for this, pig.

Hey, it's midnight in the Garden of Mean and Ugly.

Hey, Drew. Hey. Hey, Drew, we're going to lunch. You want to come?

Yeah, I'd love to, but I have to work, so you guys go ahead without me.

Uh, hey, Drew.

When, uh, when you borrowed my super glue, is this what it was for? Yeah.

That's a good gag.

Sorry I'm late, Drew. I got your call on my pager. I got here as soon as I

could. What's the problem?

Oh, uh, Sharon, I'll bear with you. My friends are just about to leave.

Oh, I get it. You, uh, you got work to do.

With the handyman.

I guess Drew got tired of do -it -yourself.

do you think you're hiding?

Sorry, my friends make a bad first impression, but it's an accurate one.

Sharon, this is the chair I'm having trouble with right there.

Can you, would you excuse us?

Don't tell me you needed Sharon to come over here and fix your chair. The store

has tons of maintenance people.

Oh, you know how long it takes those guys to get here after you call them. I

mean, hey, Mr. Carey, have anything you need done today?

No, thanks, Jimmy.

You want me to just hang out and wait around in case something breaks?

Get the hell out of here, Jimmy.

Drew, you're on the rebound and you're real vulnerable right now. Just take it

slow. Don't get too attached.

Don't worry. I just want somebody I can do couple stuff with.

When you have Oswald, Lewis has Pinky, I just want to be fun to have someone to

hang around with.

But Drew, it's not like I... Have a good time at lunch. Bye.

Boy, the springs are shut.

Did a safe fall on this thing?

Listen, the chair really is broken, but that's not the real reason I called you

up here.

Listen, you're a really nice guy. Before you try to guess where this is going,

yes, I'm going to ask you out, but only as a friend.

Oh, so that's why the engagement didn't work out.

Sure, I'll be your friend. I always wanted a gay friend.

I'm not gay. Look at me. I'm not in that kind of shape.

So, you just want to be friends?

Yeah, I just thought it'd be fun to go out with somebody who won't fall in love

with me. I won't fall in love with them. You know, no pressure.

Just two friends out having fun.

Fun, huh?

Yeah. Want to talk about this over lunch?

Yeah, but I got to warn you, I don't talk much while I'm eating.

Give me a moment while I try to react with surprise.

Hey, you're funny. You like flowers? Come here.

You know, at first I thought painting Easter eggs was going to be a drag, but

it's actually kind of fun.

Hey, guys, I got the prettiest girl on the block.

Come on, come on.

More painting, less talking, okay? If we don't get these over to Reverend

Linderman, there's going to be a whole bunch of kids walking around the church

lawn filling their Easter baskets full of dog poop.

Pinky, can I have another egg? Sure.

What's that new drug you're testing for drug co again?

Oh, yeah,

the one that alters your sense of distance.

Honey, honey, I'm really sorry.

Pinky, I'm right here.

Everything's okay.

Oh, God, thanks, honey.

Try drinking six feet behind your head.

There you go.

Well, I gotta drop these off at the reverend.

Yeah. Here we go.

Well, I'm gonna go finish tightening up that banister. Is there something else

you wanted me to do? Uh, yeah. Can you take the lid off the mayonnaise jar, but

just loosen it so I can open it up in front of my friends?

How long are these effects going to last?

Oh, about a week.

You know what? Maybe you shouldn't come over tonight. Sex could be dangerous.

I'm sorry. It looked like that sleeve was about ten feet long.

To hell with danger.

Thanks.

How much do I owe you?

Tell you what.

No charge if you give me an honest answer about something.

Okay.

Even though I've never seen that color in nature, I think your hair looks

No, I was going to ask.

Is there something about me that puts guys off?

I had this date later. Oh. And he canceled.

He said he had to work late.

People have to work late. It's happened to me tons of times. I can't tell you

how many women I've gone out with that said they had to work late.

Oh, excuse me.

This isn't the first time. I mean, I get canceled on or I go out once and I

never hear from the guy again.

Well, I don't know. You're kind of tough, but I like that.

And it can't be your looks because you're really cute. I mean, man, you're

adorable.

You know what? Hey, hell with anybody who stands you up, huh? I'm here. You're

here. We got music.

What music?

I usually do this by myself.

You are doing it by yourself.

Oh, yeah.

Now, look, you're having such a good time, don't let me spoil it.

Come on, it's fun.

Hold on, I've got a page.

Hey, the date's back on.

He got off work. Isn't that great?

Yeah, that's really great. Hey, I'll call you later.

Drew, what can I say?

You're a bud.

Swing music. What was I thinking?

Next time, reggae.

It's me. Hey, how you doing?

How'd the date go?

Oh, it's still going on.

Listen, I'm really sorry to call you, but I had a little emergency over here.

think there's a leak in one of my pipes.

Yeah, oh, well, maybe you better come over.

Yeah, hey, I'm really sorry.

Thanks.

Man, I hate ruining her date.

Oh, yeah, I gotta break a pipe.

Call me.

What are you guys doing here?

We came back to get all the egg dye stuff.

All the eggs broke when I slammed on the brakes of my car.

Excuse me, one stop, but there was a 400...

Put Jesus in the middle of the road. That might be important.

It was a four -inch Jesus, and he was on the dashboard of my car.

That is no reason to shove those huge breaths in my face.

I'm sorry.

Wait a sec.

Cool clothes, candlelight, reggae music. I know what's going on here.

You're getting on the ganja train.

No, I'm not getting on the ganja train, but I do have company coming over, so

get the stuff and take it over to Lewis' place.

Oh. This company wouldn't be your friend Sharon, would it?

Yeah, it's Sharon, but it's not a date. She's coming over to fix a leak in one

of my pipes.

Is it your love?

He's 35 years old.

When are you going to start using the word penis?

Did you say it?

I'm not fooling anybody.

You were expecting a woman. You had your cheek sucked in.

You know, the way you think makes you look like Marky Mark.

I wasn't expecting a woman. I was expecting... Speedy, there you are,

Time for your dance lesson, boy.

How come Speedy's all wet?

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my God. How could this have happened? It was just a little hole in the pipe

leaking into a bucket.

You busted a pipe just to get Sharon to come over here? Do you realize how

stupid that sounds?

I'm sorry. I can't hear you over the sound of my house thinking.

Oh, hey.

It's my barbells.

I don't want them to rust.

Boy,

I really got to start working out again.

Shut up, Val.

It's right where my dad said it was.

Oh, he's right. I wasn't paying attention.

I'll go find it.

Oh, man. My baseball mitt.

My teddy bear.

Family photo album. My only picture of Grandma.

Hey, Drew, look. Your dad's old Playboys.

No!

Drew,

you can't... Lift those. They're wet. They must weigh over 300 pounds.

Wow. You look like that woman that lifted the car off her child.

Something's got my foot.

Hey, Sharon, glad you could make it. You look nice. Can I get you a drink?

No. Thanks, Drew.

You, go rent a sump pump.

You, go help your hysterical girlfriend.

She's already unscrewed about 15 sprinkler heads.

Hey, after this, let's go wear ourselves in our wet pants.

You read my mind.

Thought they'd never leave.

Hey, uh, have you seen my old wrestling trophy?

I know it looks like a guy eating a pie, but he's really wrestling with it.

Kind of busy, Drew.

Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.

Hey, look at me. I'm a fountain.

That's like somebody's been banging on this pipe.

What kind of nut would do a thing like that?

Hey,

you don't speak Spanish either.

I can also play Cherish.

Drew, you don't want to just be friends anymore, do you?

No. And this wasn't an accident, was it?

No.

This is really sweet.

But I gotta tell you, you're a real... Don't say nice guy.

Pain in the ass. Thank you.

Hey, look, at first, I did just want to be friends. But then something happened,

and I wanted to see if you felt the same way that I felt, but judging by that

wonderful believe I'm a lesbian look on your face, I guess you don't.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to fix all this, and I'm going to do it at cost.

We're not going to date.

You asked for it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Cherish.

Hey, that's not... Hey!

Hey, complete lady of Spain!

Hey, Captain.

Mind if I board?

Yeah, but I can only take you as far as a furnace. After that, it's

international waters.

I heard your song.

But you know what throws me?

She didn't go for me at all. And I was cute as hell.

Let me tell you something, Drew. If we were dating and you did something like

that for me, I would be yours forever.

Let me ask you something. You've got to promise you'll never tell Oswald I asked

you this, but if we were alone in this boat in the middle of the ocean and we

were trapped,

would you let me, you know, play Lady of Spain?

No. But we could have sex.

Keep it in your pants, O 'Brien.

I thought you'd be happy I returned your hockey mask and knife.

You did that on purpose.

Okay. There's no reason to go nibbling my toes.

How could I be nibbling your toes and flipping the boat?

It's always fun until somebody gets eaten.