Original subtitles

Good evening.

And welcome to the Drew Carey Show April Fool's contest. Now, it's real easy.

All you got to do is get a pencil ready and look for all the stuff that's wrong

with the show.

It's like that thing you did when you were a kid with the pictures.

No, not that thing. Not those pictures.

It's like, what's wrong with this picture? Now, here's an example. Lewis,

on out here.

What? You figured it out already?

So. Let's start watching. The game begins right now.

Attention! Attention, please!

Can I have everybody's attention?

My harassment suit against Winford Softer has been settled, so I won't be

delivering your mail anymore.

So, if you're missing any important mail, you can get it at the Welcome Back

Mimi We Love You Luncheon that you'll be throwing me this Friday in the good

restaurant upstairs.

Oh, by the way, Thank you for dipping into the Christmas fun and buying me a

VCR. You really shouldn't have, but you know, you better!

We're back, guys. Everybody grab your old seats.

Ah, Mimi, at last it's finally here.

The day I've been waiting for for so long.

Hey, if you really want to welcome me back, nothing says hello like a nice

tongue bath.

No, no, no.

No, I mean Mrs. Lauer and the board flying to the head office in Kyoto this

morning. I finally get that woman and her castrated sheep of a voice out of my

hair for a while.

Is that the flutter of angel wings I

heard? Damn right you did.

Now, I'm on my way to the airport, and I just want you to know that I'm placing

a huge responsibility on your tasty little girl shoulders.

Don't worry, Mrs. L. The stores are in good hands.

I know that. I'm talking about my cat.

Now, here's my house key and a test kit.

Test kit? Yes.

Lord Fauntleroy's had some digestive problems.

His eliminations need to be monitored very closely.

And another immigrant's dreams come true.

Have a good flight into a mountain.

How does it feel not to be man enough to say something to somebody's face?

Walk away and I'll tell you.

Oh, stay there, Bombeck. I want you to see this. I'm finally free to fire

someone the way I've always dreamed.

Johnson!

Johnson,

you're fired.

Unless you can shoot this apple from my head using this.

By the way, Johnson, I saw your wife yesterday. At least I thought it was

wife. The divider came down before I could put in another quarter.

You know, look at immense words you do. You've always had more looks than

brains. This is ridiculous.

Don't worry.

I've rigged the crossbow.

When he pulls the trigger, all that's going to happen is a little flag will

down saying you're fired.

Why are you such an evil bastard when you know what it does to me?

Are you ready, Johnson?

Ready.

You never seen anything like it. Mr. Wick didn't want him to pry the arrow

loose, so they had him pick the hinges off the door, and he carried them right

to the store on him.

Yeah, it wasn't good for business, although we did sell a lot of athletic

Poor guy. That's harsh.

Oh, shh.

Hello, Mr. Wick.

Oh, this is your one remaining testicle, Goldie.

I miss me, mate.

Understandable. He's probably a little testy.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves making prank phone calls to a guy who

took an arrow through his scrotum without asking him if Papa's going to

brand new bag.

Oh, nuts.

Just a sec.

through the most sensitive part of your body, I can't imagine a pain worse than

that.

Oh, here it is.

If there's a house behind you, I'd like to enter, please.

What do you want, Fifi?

Just got back from the hospital. I have really, really bad news about Mr. Wick.

He put you in charge of the store.

Obviously, he did do his thinking down there.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it. I'm finally going to be in charge of Winford

Lawler. Only for a week or two until he gets all his eggs back in one basket.

Daddy, you got what I'm going for?

That's terrible, Mimi. The man has been through something awful.

I'll be with you guys in a minute.

Anyway, starting tomorrow, I'm working for you. So don't think you can get all

handy on me.

Don't worry, boys. I would never do that to you.

This is fantastic. You finally get to be the boss.

I know. Just how we can celebrate, too, huh?

It's time to stop aging and start drinking the newest creation from Buzz

think it's going to sell really well down at the Berlin. It's a combination

Buzz Beer and champagne.

And you call it booze?

No, no, monsieur.

We call it booze.

You know, this is the chance I've been waiting for.

I got till Mr. Louder gets back next week to prove that I got what it takes

be a leader.

Oh, hey, Speedy.

Well, you know, you got a body like Buddha. Billions of people follow him.

Yes.

But Buddha doesn't do that.

I think Buddha was more of a noogie.

Man, I hate it when we discuss religion.

I just want to show people that I'm different now. I want them to see I'm

heartless bastard like Mr. Wick. I don't want them, like, going around scared

they're going to be fired every second.

Hey, that's it!

What? I'm not going to fire anybody.

You mean without good reason?

No. Nobody at all. Start tomorrow, no one can get fired.

You have this theory.

You expect the best of people, and they'll give it to you. You don't have

threaten people to motivate them.

You know, Drew may be on something.

You know, if I wasn't so scared of getting fired every time I lost a

wouldn't have to hide out in a bar all day.

Look at this.

It's more cost efficient, see?

Every time we fire somebody, we gotta pay this much to train somebody new.

yeah, yeah.

Listen, we don't know how long it's gonna take for the bouquet to separate,

so... Here's to Drew. Get to be boss as long as Wick's in the hospital.

Here's to infection.

Here's to the worst tasting champagne we've ever had.

Oh, why'd we do that? It's horrible.

To learning from our mistakes.

Mimi!

I need you to type up this memo for me.

Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Carey.

And here are your reports and your day planner.

And by the way, I took the liberty of booking a massage for you this

Wait a second. You want me to believe that I'm going to lie down naked and

nothing's going to happen?

Does it ever?

No, no. This is on the up and up.

I'm a professional. If you'll just stand on that square and sign these papers,

we'll start the day.

Wait a second. How come I have to stand on that square?

Oh, well, that's traditionally where the boss stands to sign the paper.

Oh, I'll tell you what. Why don't you stand on the square? I'll stand next to

you and sign it.

Oh, well, I guess you've outsmarted me then. So why don't you just stand right

there? No!

Well, that ought to keep him out of my face for another hour or so.

No,

see, that's what happens when people operate out of fear.

Which is exactly why I put out that no firing memo.

Gary, we got your memo about no more firing. Is this a joke?

Nope, it's true.

Nobody can get fired.

I want you to feel free to achieve and take chances without worrying that

going to do the wrong thing.

From now on, there is no wrong thing.

The only wrong thing is to think that you're going to do the wrong... No,

that's a wrong thing. There is no wrong thing.

True!

Three cheers for the pig!

Hip, hip!

Pig! Hip, hip! Pig!

Hip, hip! Pig!

You know, even when you're on my side, it hurts.

But, looks like I'm a big hero, so what do you think of that, Mamie? I think

you're finally standing on the right square.

What? Oh, man, I'm stuck.

Joke's on me, because all I've got to do is bend down on the top of my shoe, and

I'll be out of here in a second.

Well, I guess I better take a picture quick then, huh?

That's right.

Thanks for taking us to the executive dining room, Drew. What if people

up to you like that? Yeah, I felt like a real bigwig when the guy said, those

rules are free, you don't have to stuff them in your pocket. Sir.

Hey!

Hey,

Drew. Thank you. It's nothing really.

It's my pleasure.

Thank you.

Bless you.

Friends of Drew's. Friends of Drew's. Known since college. Seen him naked. No

big thing.

The employees and I wanted to get you a gift to show our thanks to the best boss

in Cincinnati.

You have mail. We couldn't come up with anything big, so we all decided to do a

little something on our own.

Tom, the security guard said he'll no longer operate his portable TV off your

car batteries.

Eight batteries in one year. I knew that wasn't right.

And Sally and Hal, she's going to come up with much more believable excuses as

to why she won't go out with you.

Sally and Hal.

She's alive.

Lady.

I've shown you five different makeup mirrors.

I don't care if they simulate daylight, office light, or any other light.

The only thing that's going to help you is midnight.

Now take that face over to Macy's where they still think the customer's number

one.

What do I got to do, throw a bone?

Thanks for shopping and win for louder. Have a beautiful, beautiful day.

Hey, where'd she go? I want to ask her why sales in the housewares are down.

I swear to God, it's not as bad as it looks.

Ah, who am I kidding? I'm fired, right?

Lawrence, I'm very disappointed in you.

And I'm fired.

I put my 17 years on the line to give you job security and you stabbed me in

back. I don't know what to say.

I'm crushed.

Hold on here. I heard blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But I didn't hear fired.

I told you before, Larry, you can't get fired.

Wait, I know what's going on here. You're setting me up, aren't you,

No, this isn't a game. You can't get fired.

Not for this either?

Nope. Hmm.

Thanks.

You four -eyed bastard.

You're not going to spoil this, Larry.

One bad egg, and I use that analogy because you're bald, is not going to

everybody else. Now, these other people want to work.

I suggest you join the club.

So what I'm hearing is there's nothing we can do here to get fired.

You hear that, everybody?

There really is nothing we can do here to get fired. Ever!

Ever! You really have a back of the brain in case somebody takes advantage,

right? Trust in human nature, Osborne. People are basically good.

Hey, who wants to go to the boardroom and raid the wet bar to celebrate?

I think you'll find yourself alone in this, Larry.

Okay, you and Mark are alone. You, Mark, and Sally are alone.

You, Mark, Sally, and Jim are alone. Okay, you're a crowd now, but that crowd

alone.

Okay,

talk to you later. Bye.

Sorry about that.

Look, I know we're in uncharted territory here, and you might not know

boundaries are, so let me help you.

Taking an unauthorized 15 -minute break is not so bad, but using it to pee off

the building is.

You know, I almost hit the parking structure.

I don't care.

Wow.

Nevertheless, what you do is wrong, and I want you to listen to me and listen to

me good.

You have lost my trust.

I'm sorry to be so hard on you, but you're peeing on my feet now, aren't

Gotcha.

Look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'll try and do better.

Oh!

We got big problems, Drew.

There's nobody in shoes. They're running wild in the toy department.

And this is pretty much all that's left of the candy department.

Bitter orange?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, look. Here's what we're going to do.

The lifeline of the store is toys.

Now, they're going to expect us to go through shoes because only an idiot

go through housewares. So what are we going to do?

Go through shoes?

No. We're going to go through housewares. And you know why?

Because we're idiots?

Right.

Let me just ask one question. Why don't you go back on the no -firing policy?

I still think I can make this work.

If I don't...

I can kiss any chance of me running the store again.

Goodbye.

Well, I'm behind you.

It ain't pretty, but I'm behind you.

It's nice to know who your friends are in a crisis.

Yeah, it would be nice.

But that's not why I'm behind you. I'm behind you because the no -firing policy

is a good policy, and if people take advantage of it, then we're going to

it. And that's not fair.

And I killed Mrs. Lauder's cat.

Get it.

But I need to speak to you.

Right here, sir.

Mr. Rick, what are you doing back so soon? You're not long enough to work

Why not?

I feel 100%. Maybe next week.

I need your opinion on something.

Close your eyes, hold out your hand, and tell me if this feels natural.

I can already tell you it doesn't, sir.

Now squeeze.

All righty. What does that feel like?

I don't know, a small plum, maybe?

It's a prosthetic testicle.

Oh, for God's sake, get it!

That's $300!

Wow, only $300?

How much do you charge for the brass ones?

Oh.

It's all dusty now.

Why'd you make me touch it in the first place?

Well, it's too intimidating to ask a woman and too embarrassing to ask a man,

I asked you.

Well, I'd like to help you, but I can't say. I mean, usually I'm doing that kind

of thing. I have a beer in my hand and the game's on.

Amy, I don't want to worry you, but your human tabbering has sprung a few

leaves.

Well, I talked to him down at Toys.

Oh, how'd it go?

A car and a green slime, you idiot!

I instituted a couple of new policies, just fine -tuning it a little bit.

Okay,

it's sticky and fun now. You go ahead and sell it.

I came down here because I was concerned you might try to usurp my position.

I don't know what I was worrying about.

You don't have the cacone to do this job.

Well, this is fun, but I gotta get back to work, you know? I got a lot more

packages to deliver.

Wait a minute, don't you get paid by the hour?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, one more game.

Yo, buddy!

Probably got the stick out of your butt and you're playing pool with it. Good

for you.

Listen, I didn't get my paycheck. Have you signed them yet? Sure, buddy.

Right there on my desk.

Thanks, man. This gets me back in the craps game and stationary.

Wait a second.

What's this signature?

Who's Dr.

Mello?

I am, baby.

I'm prescribing you 10 cc's of vitamin chill.

Drew, I'm kind of in a rush. I'm in the middle of a volleyball game down in

shoes. But, um, have you signed my vacation request forms yet?

Hey, I'm tired of being the responsible one, okay?

I don't want to be the hall monitor anymore. I want to be the stoner that

the art teacher pregnant.

What the hell are you talking about, Carrie?

Don't you get it, man?

I'm on your side.

I think it's great.

I agree with you. So what if the store goes down and we all lose our jobs? The

important thing is we're having fun now, right?

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah. No, I'm not, right? I was trying to prove a point. What's wrong with you

people?

Jesus, man, you let the store just go to hell right around you? You'd spit in

your own dung heap if nobody told you not to.

Well, you know, you took away their rules, Drew. They don't know how to act.

This is like the time we tried to treat Mr. Puddles like a member of the family

and let him eat Thanksgiving dinner with us. Before you know it, he's licking

himself. He mounted the turkey.

We realized he's not a member of the family.

He's one of Grandpa's old army buddies.

Drew, Drew, Drew, I've got to talk to you quick. I was in the parking lot

playing volleyball with the other, and I saw Mrs. Ladder getting out of her car.

She's not supposed to be here yet.

She's on the escalator!

Quick, everybody get back to work! Back to work! Why?

If the old Beck gets mad, we'll just tell her it's all because of your stupid

policy. Besides, what are you going to do, fire us? Hey, you, steal the

computer. What's your name?

John. Oh, of course.

I got one thing to say to you, buddy. You are fired.

He's firing people again. Party's over. Let's get back to work.

I'm sorry, Julie. You know, it's just a shame. People are always looking for a

way to take advantage on the job.

Well, I better repack this thing and get it delivered.

So, anything new down at Farmco?

Nah. How's the world of brain surgery treating you? Well, you know, same old,

same old. It's got three brains put in two.

So you want to go to the Browns game tonight?

Oh, yeah.

Wait a minute. The Browns don't exist anymore.

You almost wrote that down, didn't you?

Ah, there it is.

It's all dusty again.