Original subtitles

That's wing B.

You used to make me so

happy. What happened?

Oh, they changed the glue!

Hey, Drew. Hey, Drew.

Hey, Andy. How you going?

Dumb -a -loo?

Goob?

You know, we haven't seen you at the Warsaw in like a week, and we were

you might be having trouble getting over Nikki.

Nope, not me.

Busy, busy, busy.

Oh.

Wow.

These are new.

Since yesterday.

Well, I'm not having such good dreams, so I'm doing this now.

Uh, Drew, there's a fine line between a hobby and psychosis, and, uh...

Even if there wasn't, this wouldn't be a hobby.

Hey, Drew?

Why is your bathtub filled with sand?

It's not sand. It's a desert battlefield.

You know, Drew, this isn't healthy.

It's been a long war.

It's time to get some sleep.

Well, I guess now I see the look on everyone's faces.

Maybe this is a little odd.

I think I really do miss Nikki.

That's a Roger, big dog.

Right now, why don't you let us sing a nice, peaceful song for you, huh? What

I, a baby? You're going to sing to me and put me to sleep? Come on.

Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce.

Special orders, don't obsess.

All we ask is that you let us serve it your way.

Serve it your way.

Have it your way.

Have it your way.

Hey, hey.

You fell asleep on my hand. Get them off.

Apples, carrots, potatoes, peas.

Your mother says you gotta have a lot of these.

Mmm, good.

Mmm, good.

That's what Campbell told me.

comes from it's such a crude attitude it's back where it belongs

our little chicks will be crimson

this to you?

The lab monkeys at Drug Co. got out and tried to make me their girlfriend.

I suppose it wasn't that handsome monkey you're always going on about.

They developed this new drug to help senior citizens regain their sex drive.

They gave it to the monkeys.

Next thing I know, Bobo's trying to bend me over a lab table.

You didn't actually... No, no, no.

I managed to make myself look unattractive.

And I'll never forget their hoots and catcalls as I gathered up my things.

I'm really sorry, buddy.

A bunch of horny monkeys.

What are you doing?

Go off it.

I'm coughing up a lung because I'm laughing so hard.

It's really funny, huh? Well, it's not going to happen again, I'll tell you

that, because I've got the sex drug right here, and it's going in the trash.

What are you working on?

Oh, this is a green dye for our beer, you know, for St. Panty's Day. Oh.

You know what, though? It's a little light shade of green. Maybe you should

some more of that. Whoa!

Whoa, you know what would have happened if the sex drug had gotten into the

beer? It might have changed color.

We're going to work on this.

Oh, that was close. I'm getting rid of this right now. Good thing.

Good riddance. Old people don't need more sex. They grunt and groan enough as

is.

You know, I don't want to jinx it. but this may be the best batch of green beer

we've ever made.

Oh, oh, hold on there, buddy. What?

What's he doing?

Oh, the lid.

Good idea.

You can never be too safe.

Hey, by the way, what are you doing Friday night?

Nothing. You want to do something? Oh, no, Bobo from Drunko called. He wants to

know if you want to go see Titanic.

This is a very impressive resume, Mr.

Holiday. I think you'd fit in well in accounting.

You had a good background, good school.

Since you're married.

Yeah, yeah, two months now.

That's great.

I was almost married.

It didn't work out, but what are you going to do?

So, three years at Macy's, that's a good story.

Yeah, I had a really good time.

What is it with women anyway? Women go on smooth, having a good time. Next

you know, bam, everybody's too fat.

Well, hey, looks like...

You're the kind of guy we need for this job. How do you stop loving someone?

What do you do? Let me go find out. Want to see a picture of her? Name's Nicky.

She's really nice.

I'm usually not this pathetic.

Are you guys practicing your new pickup lines?

It's better than yours.

Kiss me, it won't get your seeing -eye dog back.

So, you're still going to be the company tool and testify against me at court

today? Yes, I am, yuck of the Irish.

There are three reasons. Number one, Wick never harassed you. Number two,

court of law. I intend to tell the truth.

Number three, hate I you.

It's a puzzle. Work on it.

It doesn't matter, because my attorney's going to be all over you like flies on

Drew.

Basically, you can't put a good face on a bad situation, which is a sign that

you'll be on every mirror in your house.

So you think you can't be rattled on the stand, huh?

What's your name? Drew Carey. Did you see Wick jump on top of me? Yes or no,

please? Yes. Did you hear me yell for help? Yeah, but you were... Thank you,

further questions. This little witness can go wee -wee -wee all the way home.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Mimi?

Don't tell me.

Makeup or fungus?

Pretty cocky for a guy on the first day of a sexual harassment trial.

I have nothing to fear.

I'm innocent.

Well, that doesn't mean squat in an American courtroom.

I'm also attractive, charismatic, and I have a charming accent.

Squat, squat, and bloody squat.

You couldn't be more wrong, Mimi.

She's right. They'll hate me because I'm a dandy.

If your testimony doesn't save me, Carey, I could lose my job and be

I'm going to do my best, sir, but you know, there's worse things than going

to England.

I don't understand. I can't go back.

Why not?

You know how bad the taxes are over there?

Well, I ran over a vicar.

So was you right for driving on the wrong side of the road?

I wasn't even on a road. I had to race through a field to get to him.

Harry, Wick, it's time to circle the wagons.

Oh, my God, she's reliving her childhood.

No, Wick, it's an expression.

I need to talk to you about Burbeck's suit against the store.

You don't realize how important you are, Carrie.

Wow. You know, you have no idea how those few simple words... Stop dwelling

it. Can't take it back, though. I said I was important. Stop it.

Wicked here has us in a situation that could cost the store two million

Your testimony is the only thing standing between us and ruin.

Ah, ruin.

So we meet again.

Harry, stay cool on the stand.

Defend the store and don't crumble.

And I'll consider you executive material.

Blow it, and the company will be 210 pounds lighter.

Well, the good news, there ain't much. She thinks I weigh 210 pounds.

Got some green buzz beer here for you, Paul.

Colored it myself, and this year, you can wash out the green dye with soap and

water.

Hey, Kate, you're Irish.

St. Patrick's Day about, anyway.

In my family, about three hours of consciousness.

Hey, Drew Carey's back at the Warsaw.

If he sees a shadow, it's six more months of drinking.

I've been away from the Warsaw for a week before. Remember, sixth grade,

camp? Yeah.

Well, I'm just glad you finally, um... Man, I don't know what you guys did to

this beer, but do it again.

Yeah, it's just green dye, but it's pretty good.

What made you decide to come by?

I'm celebrating.

You know that empty void in my life that Nicky left?

It's all filled up now with fear and dread. Oh.

That's because you haven't taken your medicine for a week.

Oh, no, you know what? I better not.

I had to testify in about an hour, and Mrs. Lowder told me if I get even one

little thing wrong, I'm going to be fired.

That's not fair.

Is anyone else's chair vibrating?

That's probably just a truck passing by.

They should go by more often.

True, that's what we're saying. It's best to tell the truth.

I'm just worried they're going to twist my words around.

Don't worry, Drew. They can't shake you.

Here's to Drew and his rock -solid testimony.

One tip, you know, the toast.

Yeah. Cheers.

Whoa.

I haven't had any lunch. I haven't had one of these in a week.

Something I'd like to hear right now?

Some Barry White.

Oh, yeah.

Now, Mr. Wick, for the record, are you saying that you did not force yourself

upon my client on January the 14th?

Yes, absolutely.

I... Terribly sorry.

What I meant to say was... Mr.

The Travesty of Justice.

Oh!

in the court and miss bobeck for the last time sit down i'll have the bailiff

show you your seat show you my feet the witness would please respond to the

question to the best of my recollection and i'm only going to say this once

We don't have to do this. We have a law in this country where you don't have to

testify against yourself. It's called the Fifth Amendment.

Well, I'll take one of those, then.

I don't mind, though. Blind man coming through!

Blind man coming through!

Thank you, Mimi. I hope one day we can put this behind us.

By the way, if I win this, every one of you gets a brand new Jetta.

The jury will disregard that comment.

Remember, you're still under oath.

Now, Ms. Bobak, please tell the court exactly what happened on January 14th.

Let's see.

I carpooled to work that day.

Weird thing was, even though there were five of us crammed in there, there was

still plenty of leg room, front and rear.

I just don't... recall what kind of car it was. Oh, wait! It was a Jetta!

The plaintiff is dismissed.

Mr. Fierstein, unless you can produce at least one credible witness, I'm going

to declare this a mistrial. Very well, Your Honor. I call to the stand Mr.

Drew Carey.

Mr.

Carey?

I got to do this thing.

Don't screw up, Carrie. I'm

watching you.

So you like to watch?

I mean, I understand.

Yes, ma 'am.

Got it under control.

You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Hey, leather.

Nice.

Excuse me, have you seen my pager? I think I left it in here.

Nope.

I'm sorry, are you sure? Because I'm certain I left it right there.

No.

The minute you get this message, meet me at the house I don't care where you are

or what you're doing

It's done with your physical.

Just one more thing left to do.

Nobody enjoys this. That's why we save it for last.

Okay, if you'll stand up for me.

Turn your head and cough.

Oh, well, I see somebody does enjoy this.

Now, Mr. Carey, I'd like you to listen to the testimony of my client and tell

if this is what you saw.

Court reporter, please.

He touched me. He came up behind me, reached up, and touched my breast.

Then he pressed himself against me. I could feel his excitement growing.

That's when he began to kiss the back of my neck over and over and over.

Is that the way you would call it, Mr. Carey?

You know, I know this is important. I want to make sure I get this right.

Could you do that one more time?

Once is quite enough, Mr. Carey. Please respond to the question.

Right, right.

I'm in court for a reason.

Sorry, kind of hard to focus.

Okay, it was daytime.

I was in my office.

Your Honor, is it hot in here, or is it just you?

Excuse me?

I'm sorry.

Drifted there for a second, Your Honor.

You're on her?

No.

On her?

Are you all right, Mr.

Carey? All right. I'll tell you who's all right. That bailiff, that's who's

right.

Wow, damn, I don't know why I'm saying anything. I'm in court for a reason. To

tell the truth, the whole truth, even if it's not pretty.

You're pretty, and she's pretty, she's pretty. He's not bad. I'd like to see

three of you kind of get together. Mr.

Carey!

You're about to be found in contempt.

You're right, I'm sorry.

I obviously can't control myself. Why don't you put the cups on me and take me

away? You, why don't you give her a hand?

That's it, Bailiff.

I don't know what you did to me, Mimi, but you're going to regret this. If you

don't tell the truth, you're going to regret this the rest of your hot,

voluptuous life.

Oh, my God!

If we lose this case, Terry, you lose your job.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Lauder. I'm so, so sorry.

Mr. Defendant and the plaintiff in this sideshow, please approach the bench with

counsel.

Your one material witness is obviously enjoying the first day of spring.

Unless either one of you can produce another witness or some compelling

evidence, I'm going to dismiss this case. Anyone?

Case dismissed.

Well, it's over.

I'm sorry, Mimi.

Well, sorry just doesn't cut it.

You took my feelings and you stomped all over them.

Worse than that, you made me suspicious of men.

You made the butterfly go back into its cocoon and that makes the butterfly

angry.

I'm just going to go back to work and clean up my desk. I'll be out of there

the time you get back.

Wait. I was hoping you'd come back and work for me.

You yanking me?

No. I need you.

You're the best secretary I ever had.

Even after all of this?

Yes.

Oh, man, I knew you were hot for me.

No, no, no. I respect you as a professional.

Now, what do you say?

Fine.

Strictly professional.

Great. What do you say we go down to the Warsaw and reconcile our differences

over a green St. Patrick's Day bug beer?

Maybe it'll loosen you up.

No, I don't think so.

Now we know there's some kind of link between the sex drug from Drug Co. and

green beer.

My guess is a raven and a dog.

Makes sense.

Excuse me, everyone.

Anybody who was here last night, you have some things you may have left

One half pair of edible underwear.

And these were together, a pair of sunglasses, an ascot, and a copy of the

letters of Griffin and Sabine.

Guys, I hate to tell you, but it's not over.

We're watching the monkeys, and apparently the sex drug has an after

Oh, no.

What?

Apparently the sex drug has an after effect.

Oh, no.

What?

Apparently the sex drug has an after effect.

Oh, no.

What?

Apparently the sex drug has an after effect.

Oh, no.

What?

Nearly the same.