Original subtitles

I'm proud of that one.

I was in the top ten percent at the Harvard School of Psychiatry.

Yeah, I got one of these at the carnival. All I had to do was shoot a

Look, Miss Bobak, if you want to hire me to be your expert witness in this

sexual harassment case, I suggest we get started.

All right, all right. It's real simple.

All you got to do is say that I'm damaged, and then I collect two million

for all the pain and suffering inflicted by my boss, Mr. Wick.

But you got some real good stories about crazy people, huh?

I'm working on one right now.

So, tell me in your own words what exactly your boss did.

Well, we were going to make believe that he was sexually harassing me, and then

I was going to sue the store for big bucks, and then we were going to split

dough. So what you're saying is no actual sexual harassment took place.

Well, I grabbed him a couple of good ones before he got away.

So, Your boss never actually harassed you. He knew that I had feelings for

and he used my feelings to get me to go on with that scam and then dump me for

another woman.

And it was your broken heart that caused you to try and mask your pain with that

garish makeup?

If by garish you mean pretty, and I hope you do,

then no.

I've always looked like this.

Would you be interested in being a case study?

If you want to go out with me, just say you want to go out with me.

I'm sorry, I can't go out with patients.

You took an oath.

Okay.

Listen, you say I'm brewing for other men to collect a check.

Are you in or are you out?

Miss Mobeck, you're obviously a fascinating woman.

Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you.

Okay.

Oh, by the way, if you meet anybody with multiple personalities, you might want

to borrow one.

Finally! But you're too late.

It's your society's problem now.

It's such a crude attitude.

Oh, I got a Valentine.

That's my mom.

Son, you are. This is the woman who gave birth to you. And after seeing you,

still claimed you from the nursery.

All she can do is open her cart. Oh.

Thanks. I usually have Oswald open them.

Oh, here's hoping you have a wonderful Valentine's Day.

Dad's having prostate problems. He might want to get your jobby check.

Oh, there's a Valentine's recipe on the back.

Oh, high fiber. Good for you, jobby.

You know, this would be great for the Valentine's dinner that Oswald and I are

cooking for Nicky and Kate.

Oh, man, women get all mushy when guys cook for them. Hey, can I get in on

Pinky would love it.

Are you still dating the guinea pig girl?

Guinea pig girl is demeaning, Drew. She tests experimental drugs for drug code.

She's no different than you or me.

Yeah, except we don't crave cheese every time we hear a bell.

Pizza's ready.

Confused by the second bell, our subject is paralyzed by indecision.

What if there's a bigger pizza behind the door?

Oh.

It's Officer Barker. Can I ask you a few questions?

Yeah, come on in.

Thanks.

I'm, uh...

checking out some suspicious noises that were heard in the neighborhood between

8 and 11 p .m. last night.

Oh, well, you know, these walls are paper thin, and, well, sometimes my

sound like I'm passing gas.

I'm talking about the incident down the street at the Embers. What incident?

A little domestic problem.

Mrs. Embers chopped up her husband with a meat cleaver. Oh, my God.

They were such a nice couple. Last time I saw her, she was holding his hand.

That's what she was doing when we picked her up.

Look, officer, this may not be related, but I was watching Drew's house the

other night, and Mrs. Ember came over and borrowed an ax, a sheet, and a whole

bunch of garbage bags.

And here's the weird part.

Some sugar.

You're going to have to come down and give a statement tomorrow. The station's

just down the street. Yeah, yeah, I know where it is.

Right.

Thanks.

Hey, officer.

Hey, Drew, I heard about your neighbors. I mean, I just saw Mrs. Ember yesterday

when I delivered that extra -large freezer and all that surgical equipment.

You're going to have to come down and give a statement tomorrow.

The station's just down the street. Yeah, I know where it is. Right.

Boy, horrible news and good news all on the same day.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Kate and I are moving in together tomorrow.

What? You're moving in with Kate?

Yeah, aren't we skipping a little step here?

Like what?

Like discussing it with Drew.

Why can't we talk about it with you?

Because I care about you, man. Didn't you hear about the neighbors?

You move in with the wrong person, next thing you know, I'll chase my dog around

the yard looking for your head.

Well... What's the big deal? I mean, we've been dating for months. And don't

worry, big guy.

I'll be paying my half of the rent until you find another roommate.

And who's going to pay for my emotional abandonment, hmm?

What? I'm just kidding. I'm happy for you. Oh.

I'm the happiest SOB you'll ever walk out on.

I can't believe this.

It's too soon to move in together.

You're just freaking out because you're not ready to move in with Nicky yet.

It's nothing to do with me and Kate.

You mean Nicky?

I said Nicky.

Oh, yeah, you did. I'm sorry.

Yeah, so what I'm telling you is you're going way too fast. You've got to slow

it down, like me and Kate do.

That time I heard Kate.

Of course she did. She's right there. Oh, yeah?

My fault.

I'm so glad you're moving out of here. That's the most disgusting bathroom I've

ever seen in my life.

Didn't you guys ever clean it?

We would, but the bacteria ate our sponge.

Hey, Drew, did you pack my stuffed animals?

They're in the trunk with the princess following the glass unicorn.

Finally, my place is going to look like a woman lives there.

Okay, ready to roll.

What's that?

It's my pet parakeet.

Wow, little guy can really hold his breath, can't he?

He's stuffed.

Problem. That thing gives me the creeps. He's my pet. He's coming. No, he's not.

He's coming. Case closed.

Let's ask him. You want to come? Nothing.

He's shy. Case closed. He's coming.

I don't want this damn thing in my house. Lewis, you take it.

I don't want it.

I can't believe you just did that.

It was an accident.

You liar.

Is this what it's going to be like when you move in? Yeah, if you throw

everything I love out the window.

Is this how you're going to treat our children?

If you keep them stuffed in a glass case, yeah.

Oh, look. Polly wants an ambulance.

Boy, did you hear that? They haven't even moved in together yet. They're

at each other's throats.

So this might not work out.

Dare I dream?

I'm going to go blow up his doll.

Unless he's gone.

It's okay.

I can't believe it ended that way. I mean, one minute we're yelling at each

other and the next minute it's over.

I never told you this when you were going out because you would have beaten

crap out of me, but you guys are totally wrong for each other.

Oh, you always thought that, huh?

Yeah, well, you know, it was, uh... You were lonely and she was convenient, you

know? You popped into bed together, you thought it was a relationship.

I mean, I don't want to sound crass, but you were probably thinking with little

Oswald instead of...

Hey, when you said it was over, what's over?

I meant the fight, not the relationship.

Oh.

You wanted me and Kate to break up from the beginning, and you still do.

Looks like I stuffed the wrong friend.

I meant that in an angry way, not in any kind of sexual.

So bite me, screw you, and kiss my ass.

All anger.

necessarily carry it. I'm sorry, sir. You and I both know you never harassed

Mimi, but before the board spends any money under defense, they want you to

a polygraph test.

Fine, but make it quick. I hate being bound up tightly like this.

All right, all right, I like it.

The first thing the board wants to know is, have you ever been guilty of sexual

harassing anybody else on any other job?

I categorically deny that I have ever been a monkey.

That's cheating, sir. No, it's not.

Look, Kerry, while I respect you, you have a great future at the store.

How do you know he could get better?

Kerry, this device is a demeaning parlor trick. I'd rather be put in a dress and

passed around the docks by a bunch of drunken sailors.

This is going to be your downfall, Mimi.

You can lie to me, you can lie to the court. If you want to, you can lie in

front of my car.

You cannot lie in this machine.

Well?

Well, let's see.

Go ahead.

Ask me a question.

All right, first I have to ask you a basic question.

Mimi Baalbeck, did you invent the automobile?

Yes, I did.

Give her something more difficult, something impossible for her to say yes

It'll set this thing off like a pinball machine.

All right.

Hey, Mimi.

I'd like to get out the butter and massage oil and do a little flip -a

with you later on.

A package for a backstabbing... Sign here.

Give me a pen.

I need to see some ID.

You know me.

Oh, I thought I did.

I can't believe you're jealous of me getting Kate.

I'm not jealous of you and Kate. I'm not gonna lie to you and protect your

feelings. I should have told you this a long time ago.

You guys just aren't right for each other. That's not true, and I've got

It's right here in Kate's magazine.

Check it out.

How to slow down your man in the sack.

No, no.

Not that one. But a circle.

No.

This one. It says, how to test you and your mate's compatibility.

I took it. Kate and I are a perfect match.

You can't take a compatibility test alone.

You're scared to let Kate take this test with you because you know I'm right.

I ain't scared of nothing.

Well, apparently you're scared of good English.

Shut up, Mr. Know -it -all. I'll tell you one thing. Kate and I are more right

for each other than you and Nicky are.

Oh, if that is so wrong, it's funny.

Nicky and I are soulmates.

Why? What did you hear? Did she say something?

Not so cocky now, are you, mister? I'm not so cocky now.

Why don't you take the test?

Oh, well, I'll tell you what, Mr. Repetitive Insult.

Why don't we all take the test?

We'll memorize the questions and we'll subtly slip them into our Valentine's

dinner. And when you and Kate fail it, and I know you will, just promise me

you'll talk with her and deal with it.

Well, I'll talk to Kate if you promise to talk to Nicky. Fine, fine.

I'm ready to beat the machine now.

I read that if you distract yourself, it can't truly read your emotions.

All right.

Ah!

Ask the question!

All right. Uh, my first question is, uh, why'd you do that before I turned the

machine on?

remember a time when you couldn't get fresh basil in February.

Remember?

make dinner.

Well, you're not getting any help tonight. You're on your own. Ooh, but

looks a little rough.

Thanks,

honey.

She almost curdled my Bernays. Do they have to be so rough?

Well, I better go out there and see how my date's doing.

And no jokes about Pinky's job.

She's feeling a little weird since she started testing that.

Where's my little kitten?

Ready. May the most compatible couple win.

Gee, I hope you're thirsty.

I could drink two to five of these glasses of wine, but I'm not sure if

way too much, not enough, or just about right.

What do you think, Nikki?

I don't know. It sounds about right to me.

Great.

Five? That sounds like a lot to me.

Really?

that always makes me think about having kids.

Hey, uh, Kate, how do you feel about public education?

I kind of like the idea of homeschooling.

Homeschooling? That doesn't make any sense. Where do you do your homework,

school?

Got you there.

I guess that's something I really don't have to worry about. I don't think I

want kids.

What?

Oh, I'd like to have a whole litter.

with just one.

Really? Just one?

Maybe two.

Really? Just two?

Maybe three.

Are you saying that because you really want three kids or do you think that's

what Oswald wants you to hear?

I'd really only want one.

Speaking of kids, isn't it fun making them?

Say, do you prefer Touch Me in the Morning or Afternoon Delight or...

Midnight at the Oasis.

Hmm. You touch me in the morning the same as quick I gotta go to work?

Yeah, I made up for that last night.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I know what my Katy Bear likes, and that's not to discuss special

during dinner.

That's right.

Yes.

Pinky, you want another croquette?

Pinky, you want another croquette?

Pinky, you want another croquette? Get it, get it, get it, get it.

to health, wealth, and happiness in whatever order is most important to you.

Uh, Nicky?

What? What's the order?

Uh, I don't know.

Health, I guess.

And then I guess wealth.

Yeah, the hell with happiness.

Happiness is the top for me. Oh.

And I don't care if I'm ever rich.

Poor and happy can do.

My idea of happiness is to lay around in the sun grooming myself.

Maybe chase a bird or two.

Me too.

Oh, it's a timer in the kitchen.

Dinner's ready.

You like dinner, don't you?

Man, I can't believe how bad I'm doing.

No offense, but do you two ever think about talking during a meal?

Shut up. I'm coming back in the second half. Yeah, right.

Hey, where's the wine? I could use another two to five glasses.

Oh, and hey, it's domestic.

Boy, you know, I think American workers are the hardest working people on the

planet. You'd have to agree with that, wouldn't you, Nicky? That's not on the

task. Give me one lousy point.

Actually, in Japan... So, technically, we're not.

I thought this was supposed to be a romantic dinner. What's with the 20

questions? Oh, does examining a relationship make you impatient,

happy with your mate?

Shut up and kiss me.

So, uh, how do you feel about public displays of affection?

Oh, come on. I'm the one who wanted to do it in the library.

It was story time down the hall.

I don't believe you, Drew. You're the one who told me you wanted to do it in

airplane bathroom.

What are you kidding? I can barely get myself on one of those things.

I mean, they're getting smaller.

Kate, when two people are in love, how long do you think they should wait until

they get married?

I don't know. I guess when they have that look in their eyes, they should

do it.

Kate, will you marry me?

Yes. Let me see your eyes.

She's got the look, too.

You want to get married?

What? Come on, we're perfect for each other.

You should do that, too.

Drew,

are you serious?

Yeah.

I can't believe this. We're all getting married.

I got a really good feeling about this.

I hope you enjoyed your evening. Oh, yeah. Your friends are lovely.

And this wine is lovely.

It's a Chardonnay, 1995.

Oh.

Nice bouquet.