Original subtitles

Drew, I'm a genius.

Are you ready to see the best promotion for Buzzbeer ever?

Ta -da!

Wow, you are a genius.

Uh -huh.

So, listen, did it come to you in a dream or when you saw those guys throw

big Budweiser bottles up in the trash behind the liquor store?

Drew, I'm a genius.

You a genius, too?

Sure. Hey, I finished making more space in your basement, and good news.

Look what I found.

Hey, it's that great apron that we gave you.

Hey, wait a minute. I thought you said that a trained falcon threw away with it

at our barbecue.

Oh, yeah, I must have brought it back after all the other falcons laughed at

Hey, guys.

When you're done with my dad's old Playboys, put them back, will you?

Hey, inside Liberace swinging bachelor pad.

Coming.

Hello, Drew.

Oh.

Did I hit you at a bad time?

I'm just about to kill a guy and then go cover my neighbor's wife.

Thank you.

Drew,

I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for volunteers to work at

the county nursing home. And if you could help out at Riverview, it would be

greatly appreciated.

Whoa, wait a second. The Riverview, that's the roughest nursing home on the

side. That's where that guy got kicked to death for his applesauce.

Didn't your grandpa used to live there, Drew?

He tunneled out, yeah.

That's why it's hard to get volunteers, Drew.

But these people are God's creatures, and they deserve help like anybody else.

Don't you mean God's children?

You heard me.

Well, I do have so many blessings.

I guess I can help you.

Not an argument I was ready to make, but, uh...

Good for you.

I'll see you Saturday.

Oh, by the way, Drew, if you're lonely, you can come to the Christian Singles'

Night at the Kirk.

Lewis is always there, patting up the young ladies.

Christian Singles' Night, huh?

I suppose you'd prefer some loose, drunken woman in a smoke -filled bar.

Well, so would I, but that didn't work, so welcome to Plan B.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

Our little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock.

Living in Stenwood, safety bed gone clean.

Why no shield on your helmet? Bugs too afraid to hit your face?

Very funny.

How'd you spend your weekend?

Looking to get lucky at lens crafters?

I wish.

I got sucked into helping out over at the Riverview Nursing Home.

Hell's waiting room?

Are they paying you?

No. Doing it because my pastor asked me to help out.

You know, it wouldn't hurt you to do a little volunteering every once in a

while. What are you talking about? I mean, big sisters?

Trolls for tot.

And every day I don't put a harpoon in the back of your head, I'm saving a

whale.

Attention, everyone. It's time for a fire drill.

Johnson, you're fired.

Gary, Johnson was going to do inventory this weekend. Now it's up to you.

Inventory on the weekend?

Thank you, sir.

Happy over -inventory.

Gary, your life is worse than I'd hoped.

I want to volunteer at that stinking nursing home again. If I want to get

at and treated like I'm nothing, I'll come straight to you, sir.

Thank you, Kerry.

Volunteer at a nursing home, eh?

That's just the kind of original and unique idea I could take credit for.

Good morning, people.

Mrs. Louder, have you ever thought about nursing homes?

What?

You're fired.

No, not you.

I think of you as my baby sister.

No, I mean, what would you think of our employees volunteering at local nursing

homes? At the weekends, of course.

I love it. Let's run with it.

Carrie, as head of human resources, I'm putting you in charge of organizing the

spontaneous outpouring of kindness.

Back to the boneyard.

Excuse me.

I think we've found Carrie's number two.

That's right. Work, everybody.

Speaking of sex, have you hired a new Larry for me yet?

I told you, Mrs. Wilder, I'm not hiring boyfriends for you. And I got your memo,

but I refused to ask the applicants to send in pictures of them shirtless on a

pony.

Fine.

Then face down on a seesaw.

Well, that was an awkward situation.

Here's another.

The volunteer program is mandatory.

So you're forcing people to volunteer.

Gee, that's kind of ironic.

Oh, look, everybody.

Kerry's detected an irony.

He's smart. Smarter than me. And yet, I still make more money.

Oh, look. Now I've detected an irony.

senior self -defense.

Repeat after me.

I have a gun!

I'm old and life in prison means nothing to me.

I'm old and life in prison means nothing to me.

Lesson over. Any questions?

You know, this afternoon with you people has been one of the nicest experiences

of my life.

I just want to say that I'm so... Did my hour.

All right, it's time for some serious poker. Where's my poker buddy, Tom?

Tom? Honey?

Sweetie? Tom passed away this morning. I'm sorry.

Oh, man. First Ed, now Tom?

You've been here two weeks, that's the second senior buddy you've lost.

I guess they weren't just whiny hypochondriacs.

Give me enough of a head start.

Ah, come on. Quit your crying.

Let's see the money here. Let's go, huh?

Hey, on a little advice.

Don't pass out in this place.

A lot of people are looking for kidneys.

All right. Game time, huh?

Who wants to play bingo? Bingo!

Who wants to give Lewis' wallet back?

There's nothing in here anyway except the condom holder and I am.

problem with you people besides being evil is that you have too much time on

your hands now. Come on. Who wants to play a little dodgeball, huh? What do

think? 70s against the 80s. Dodgeball.

A little dodgeball.

Yeah, I'm in. You're out.

All right.

That was fun.

And we watched a little TV, huh?

We only get one channel, PBS.

Oh, that's okay. Look, there's a nice nature special on.

Elephant Graveyard.

Knowing when to go up and die.

I hate those nature specials anyway.

Watch now as a monkey picks lice off his mate.

Oh, maybe we can figure something out. I mean, oh, hey, look, it's four o

'clock. I mean, I'm sorry, it's four o 'clock. I have to go to inventory.

See you next Saturday. Bye.

Helen?

Say, how about taking us down to the store with you?

No way.

I'm sorry, I mean, no way.

Look, we're just looking to get out of here. I mean, TV's busted.

Radio's a piece of crap.

You know how many people have died on that couch?

What do you say, people?

How many want to get out of here? Let's hear it, huh? I've got work to do. I

have work to do. We'll help you.

I can't have you work at the store for free. I get in big trouble and I can't

pay you.

I'm not looking to get you in trouble. I mean, we won't say anything if you

won't. You know something else?

I knew your grandpa.

He gave me these pants.

His last words were, I want you to have a good time in my pants.

If you stop talking, I'll take you. Okay.

Here we go.

What the hell are we going to do at a department store?

Founder's Day sale. We found ourselves a sucker. Come on.

Man, you guys are doing great. I would have been here all night without you.

Helen, don't touch anything on Mimi's desk. Sometimes she booby traps it. Oh,

come on, Drew.

See,

it's obviously a trap.

Gross. Maybe if I grab it really quick.

Pull on that Employee of the Month plaque over there.

No, not that one!

I'll get you, my pretty.

And the pickle, too.

Hey, Ellen, come here a minute. You want to help stack these empty boxes here?

Good idea.

That's good. Yeah, boy, you look like you need a little help.

Oh, here, let me help you.

Just taking a few shots for the old activity board, you know.

That's good.

Say, Helen, you've been working pretty hard. You look like you could use a

little water. Excuse me.

Doggone. Here, let me get that.

Drew, I've already started to bend. Don't stop me now.

Careful, there's a broken glass over there.

Hey, I got an idea. How about a nice cheesecake picture of me? Oh, great.

be wonderful.

After the investigation of the county's nursing homes, the Channel 5 News team

has uncovered a story of charity gone astray.

Hey, hey, hey, Drew, look, look, you're on TV.

Oh, somebody from the Riverview must have called the TV station. I bet it's

of those humanitarian stories.

Hey, Tim, crank it up.

This has been the resources director, Drew Carey, on this week's Shame of the

City. What?

We had a chance to talk to 69 -year -old Gus Snable, a resident of the Riverview

County Nursing Home.

Well, we were just getting ready to go to bed. It was about 4 .30 when Drew,

Drew, that's why he wants us to call him, at least when he's drinking.

He dragged us out and made us work all night for nothing.

What? That's not what happened. He said we couldn't go home until the floor was

clean enough to eat off.

And he ate off.

That's not what happened. She wouldn't let me help her.

He bought donuts for everybody and he ate half of them himself.

If you want to help the good folks at Riverview, donations can be sent

to the home in care of Gus Snavel at this address.

Oh, see, that's why he did it at Badmouth for me to get free stuff.

You guys believe me, don't you?

Sure we believe you.

Why do you think I would lie to you?

I've been coming to this bar since I was 15.

18.

I would not lie to anybody in this bar unless I was sexually attracted to them.

Good night.

Have you seen all the senior citizens picketing outside? The mob scene. Why

haven't you talked to Gus yet? I tried, but he won't return my call.

Thought I'd call Ted Henry at five on your side and started swearing. Got a

little mad.

By the way, I'm going to be out again tonight.

Oh, Drew.

I don't even know how I'm going to get past all those people to get home.

Don't worry. I got it covered.

I got you a senior citizen's disguise.

Oh, cool. Where's the rest of it?

Well, you're pretty much wearing it. Good luck.

What? At least that's what the press release will say. Read it.

Oh, man, it's bad enough living it, but seeing the word loner next to your

name... You're not really fired. This is just a way to take the public pressure

off the store.

Oh, so you believe me?

Oh, I've known you for ten years. You couldn't hurt an older person.

Oh, thank you.

No, I mean physically, you couldn't hurt an older person.

I could take you out right now.

Hey, pretty fast there. Okay, stop it.

I'm just saying, I could beat the crap out of you.

So, how's this work? Everybody's going to know I'm not fired if I keep coming

here. Oh, you'll work out of our actor in office, and in about a month, we'll

hold another press conference, and you'll apologize for your actions,

all on booze and an abusive mother.

I can't do that. My mom didn't abuse me. She never touched me.

She neglected you.

You were too ugly to hold.

Wait.

doing this?

I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not going to confess and tell everybody I'm

senior basher. You know, if I have to, I can take this all the way to the

Supreme Court. To nine old people, good idea.

Listen, Carrie, you're a valuable employee, and I'll back you to a point.

But you cost me a boyfriend, and now this.

So if you won't do it my way, you better get those seniors to admit they lied

before tomorrow, or you really are fired.

Well, I'm going out of that senior citizen center to get my good name back.

And I'm going to go get the senior discount at lunch.

You're going to talk to me.

I thought it was your grandpa coming back to get his pants.

I can't believe you sold me out for some stupid toys.

Now if I don't want to get fired, I have to badmouth my mother.

And this morning, old people threw eggs at my house.

How do you know they were old people?

They were driving so slow, I had time to walk alongside them and talk to them

for a while.

He was a pharmacist, they had a place in Toledo, but that's entirely the point.

I trusted you and he screwed me.

What are you talking about? You did help us.

You know, when people see bad things happen to people on television, they

them stuff.

This is just like that movie Cocoon, which, incidentally, thanks to you, we

have on Laserdisc.

We got your big screen TV here. What do you want it? Over in the corner. That's

going to be our media wing.

What are you guys doing here? Hey, don't worry, buddy. We'll get your good name

back. We came up with a plan that should solve all your problems.

Something we saw in a cartoon once. And it wasn't animals doing it. It was

people.

Okay, I'm going to try to talk some sense into Gus here. Plus, I have a

other things up my sleeve. Now, for any reason, my plans don't work.

Don't do your plan.

Got me? Got it.

Hey, Gus.

Listen, man.

You knew my grandfather. How about coming clean for his sake?

All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you his pants back. We'll call it even, okay? No!

And now we return to Cinema for Seniors.

I know it's coming.

But before I go, I've got to clear my conscience.

I lied about a guy.

Just so I could get some fancy stereo equipment, video cameras, and a VTR.

It's World War II.

Oh, my God, I'm seeing into the future.

Now I know where I'm going to go.

Please tell the world.

when we change channels, huh? Click.

Hold on!

I know nothing!

Nothing!

And this concludes our broadcast day.

All right.

I give up.

You guys ruined my life, and I'll tell you, I'm not going to stop helping

people. I'll tell you something else. I'm getting something out of this.

Something he can't take away from me.

This VCR, nobody needs five of them.

Hold it, Carrie. You're not going anywhere.

Mrs. Lauder, what are you doing here?

Have you had any luck with these people? I tried, Mrs. Lauder, but they're all

self -centered and greedy.

Step aside, Carrie.

Now listen up, people.

I know how hard it is being a senior citizen on a fixed budget.

My maid is going through the very same thing.

But, on the other hand, you started boycotts of my stores, and no one screws

with a louder.

So here's the deal.

Sign this affidavit saying that Carrie never mistreated any of you, or I buy

this place and turn it into a Starbucks and a baby gap.

But they'll take all our stuff back.

Oh, shut your jello hole.

The store will replace everything.

Happy, Carrie?

Great job, Mrs. Louder. You put the yee -oh in CEO.

I like a tough woman.

Oh, I like a man who speaks his mind.

Only 30 years younger. Shove off. I'm out of here.

Hey, baby.

You almost done here?

Your sweet thing's getting cold in the car.

In a minute, Larry. Oh, by the way, Drew.

Thank you. No problem.

All right. We had a deal.

I'm dating louder again. Louder helped you. Now it's your turn to pull a few

strings. When do I get back to work?

I'd say in about 15 minutes.

Let's watch a game show.

Okay. A tomato?

I'm sorry. The correct answer is a tomato.

It's with Jerry Springer.

You shut up. Oh, you shut up. Oh, you shut up. Oh, I'd like you better as a

woman, for God's sake.

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