Original subtitles

It'll be a cold one tonight in Cleveland. The low is expected to be

degrees.

Man, it's the last time I go inside for snack.

I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm hot, I'm cold.

My little buddies don't know whether they're coming or going.

Hey, guys, look.

I'm freezing my butt off.

No, it's rump roast.

I'm freezing my butt off.

No, it's rump roast.

Uh -oh.

Is that the heat lamps or the sun?

This hurts. My sweat is freezing.

Everybody inside.

Well, there goes another summer where Lewis didn't get any.

Hey, now that we've seen Summer in the backyard, who wants to see Paul in the

basement? Oh, I gotta see that.

Oswald, stop!

He's just gonna push you down the stairs.

Again?

Pizza delivery for Drew Carey. An order of pizza?

Wow, thoughts about food have become so strong he's ordering it telepathically.

Just take a look at the pizza. You might want it anyway.

Say it! No! Say it! All right, I lied. You weren't born a girl. And? And that's

not why mom and dad named you Drew.

Big brother!

Say it! No!

Say it! Okay!

almost two years. Yeah, some brother doesn't even call me to tell me he's

coming.

So where's Pete?

Uh, very funny. No, no.

Where's Pete?

You haven't changed a bit.

I mean it.

Where's the Pete?

Just tell him you ate it. We won't spend three hours trying to explain an empty

bucket of chicken.

Great. Oh, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

Oswald, great to see you.

Lewis.

Steve.

Oh, come on, Lewis.

That prank was almost 20 years ago.

So you peed blue a couple of days.

I thought I was dying.

Parents took me to the hospital. They poured barium in every orifice of my

Oh, sure, they tried to make it fun. Told me to think of my butt as a hungry

clown.

Oh, everybody forgot about that.

Bluest.

I should have killed you when I had that chance. No, go to your happy place. No,

I don't want to. Go to your happy place. Go to the happy place.

I think if nothing changed here, what brings you to town?

Well, I finally pulled the trigger.

I got engaged.

So she's going to get her citizenship. What do you get?

No.

And I'm not engaged anymore either. We got in a fight and broke up on the way

over here.

Are you sad?

Or should I say blue?

Even from the happy place.

God,

you poor guy.

Well, at least you still have that cushy job down at the plant.

Burned down.

Oh. Uh, hey, new shoes.

Anyway, I have no reason to go back to Florida, so I was thinking maybe I could

live here with you.

What do you think, little brother?

Well, I don't know.

Hey, sounds like fun.

All this energy calling me back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock.

Then go Cleveland Rocks! Cleveland Rocks!

Cleveland Rocks!

Ohio!

Thanks for letting me stay here and get over my broken heart.

Hell, if anybody understands rejection and humiliation, it's my little brother.

Hey, there's a guy with a girlfriend here, and I got a picture to prove it.

Look, I had her wave her hand around so you could see it wasn't a cardboard

cutout.

Wow.

All right, I think you looked at her long enough.

Uh -oh, still a little sensitive about me stealing your girlfriend?

No, I'm over that.

Cares about some cousin dad paid to go out with me.

She was our cousin?

Yeah.

Ooh, that was close.

Hey, uh, so I can't tell you how happy I am you're gonna be spending some time

here.

How long exactly am I gonna be happy?

Well, yeah, I'm not here the minute I get a job.

Growing hair seems to be work.

You know, there's an opening at Global Parcel.

Really? Yeah, and you get to deliver packages to single women during the day.

Got any good stories?

No. Do you?

Hey, Drew, you do the hiring over at Winford Louder. Can't you get me

Well, if you're willing to work your butt off, I guess there's something we

could do, but I don't think you'd be happy with any of the jobs. Try me.

Well, there's an opening at the loading dock, but with your back, I don't think

it's such a good idea. And then there's an opening for an in -store model,

but... With your front, I don't think it's going to be such a good idea.

Okay, we have accounting, powder and infant wear, cosmetics.

Hey, cosmetics.

Isn't that where Kate works?

It'd be fun to work with Kate.

Yeah, and we could use a guy down there with all the new men's products.

Why don't you tell them why there's an opening in cosmetics?

Hey, she tried to take my commission.

I barely touched her. She was the one that got all dramatic and threw herself

down the escalator.

Look, you're under no obligation to keep me if I don't do a good job.

And I can keep Kate out of trouble.

We'd be a good influence on each other.

Well... Looks

like you guys make a pretty good team.

I can't believe you made us 20 minutes late.

Hey, somebody broke down on the side of the road. It was a random act of

kindness.

Random? The first time you ever stop to help someone and it's a donut truck.

Here, put this on your time card.

Hey!

It's Jackie, oh my God!

If you gotta know, Podunk, I tried a new line of cosmetics and I had an allergic

reaction. The doc said no makeup for two weeks.

So, underneath those glasses and those scarves, you're not wearing any makeup?

No.

Wow. Were you scared when you saw it?

No! Don't take a flying polka!

Don't pick!

It's like Samson without his hair.

Now lose the silly disguise and let's get to work.

I can't, sir. I have allergies. I'm not wearing any make -up.

Well, I'm sure it can't be that bad.

Don't touch the glasses, sir.

Oh, it hurts in my face.

Sorry. I forgot you were British.

This is insane.

You can't come in to work every day wrapped up like the Invisible Man.

I want no glasses, no scarf, and if need be...

No makeup.

Fine. I come in tomorrow with nothing on my face, just like the day I was born.

Born? I heard she burst out of her mother's stomach, screwed across the

room, and killed a doctor.

That's cruel, Kenny. Nice to see I'm rubbing off.

Hey,

Elton, here's another one.

It's my brother's first day down at Cosmetic. I thought it'd be pretty funny

he went down there in just a few minutes and fired him.

Okay. Uh, not for real. I mean, you know, as a joke.

All right, I'll do it for you if you play a little joke for me. Okay, just

it. All right. I want you to go downstairs to the nurse's office. All

It'll kill him. All right.

Get a hemorrhoid donut pillow.

Bring it up to my office, blow it up, and put it on my chair.

This shade looks natural on you, which is what we're all going for, isn't it?

I'm wearing this entire line right now, and believe me, you have no idea what I

wake up to in the morning.

Hey.

Morning.

No, they don't mind me. I'll just wait for somebody.

She'll bring you up over there.

Thank you for shopping, Winfred Lauder.

Is it a joke?

Because there is a right time and a wrong time to tell a joke.

Oh, look, it's the wrong time.

This is not a joke.

I'm a cross -dresser.

No.

Drew, feel my leg.

I'm Stephanie.

I just started this morning.

Oh, a new woman employee, eh?

But my brother's sure he changed his mind.

And as it turns out, he'll be working in ladies big and tall. So, sorry, Mr.

Wick.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, Mr. Wick. Hey. Oh, Steve.

Steve?

Why, George, you're a man.

Good job, then. Carry on.

to you for a moment. I've got to run. Bye.

Is this a joke, Terry?

We can't have this sort of thing on the floor. We have a very traditional

clientele here at Winford Louder, so by the end of the day, I want him fired.

Welcome aboard, Stephanie.

Looking forward to many years working together.

You'll see the humor in that later.

Thanks for picking us up, Oswald.

Oh.

Here's a question.

Why are you wearing a dress?

I'm sorry.

We should have said something. I'm a cross -dresser. Oh.

Well, you look real pretty there, Steve.

Do you think Drew went straight home?

Let's see.

Brother in a dress.

No, I'd say he stopped for a beer.

Could you drop me at the Warsaw? I should talk to her.

Here's another question.

Why are you a cross -dresser?

Well, let me ask you something, Oswald. Why do you go to baseball games? Why do

you eat ice cream? Why do you take bike rides in the park?

Well, because it feels good.

Well, you should try it in women's underwear.

It's unbelievable.

No, there were no signs.

There was nothing to prepare me for this. I mean, this is the guy I grew up

with, my brother.

This is the guy that taught me how to take a girl's bra off in the dark.

Of course he knew.

Sorry, man, I guess he just never grew out of the phase.

What phase?

You know, the phase when you put on your mother's clothes and dance around the

house singing songs by the Supremes.

You know, like every guy goes through, right, Drew?

How old were you when you went through this phase?

What phase?

The one you were just talking about.

I wasn't talking about any phase. I was just sitting here being a regular guy

like I've always been.

Oh, well, that's gonna sting.

Hey.

So, uh, you changed.

I saw how uncomfortable my clothes made you at the store, so I figured I'd dress

like a guy.

Well, mostly.

You know, you put me in a real spot at work. I don't know what the hell to do.

You know what I'd do?

What, stop in the name of love?

Come on, Lutz.

And don't feel bad.

I once went through a phase where I smoked cigars and belched.

Really? No, I didn't, sweetie.

I guess you're just some kind of twisted freak.

Okay, I have a couple questions.

How'd you get yourself to work like that?

Why don't you just tell me?

I've been trying to tell you for years.

I left all kinds of signs.

Remember when Dad kept finding my girlfriend's clothes in my bedroom?

Those are your clothes?

I used to dance with them.

Once I went out on my own, I just figured it was easier to keep it to

Then I came here, I thought...

What the hell, I'll show Drew, then it'll all be out in the open.

Okay, look, it doesn't have to be a problem, all right? You just show up to

and dress as a guy.

That's when I need to dress up most.

When I dress like a woman, it gives me confidence.

Okay, look, don't take this the wrong way, but you know you don't make an

attractive woman.

Hey, I'm not that bad.

I'm as good looking as Mom was at my age.

Oh, man, here comes the nightmares.

Look, I heard Wick wants you to fire, man.

I'm not going to cause you any more grief.

I can find a job someplace else.

Don't worry about it.

Hey, wait.

Look, don't quit.

I'm not so hung up on appearances that I would screw you over.

You know, you're my brother, man. I'll go in there and I'll fight for you.

Hey, uh, are you gay?

Because, you know, if you are, there's federal laws that'll protect your job.

Nope, not gay.

Ah, that's a shame.

You know, if you were a pregnant gay senior citizen with carpal tunnel

I could make a CEO of that place.

I thought that Mr. Wick said you couldn't have anything covering your

today. Shut your trap. I'm not gonna.

There. Technically, I'm not wearing anything on my face.

Hello, Kenny. Mimi, you're shining like a morning star.

Hey, maybe I can wish upon your face.

Nope, you're still here.

I'll be right back. I left all my screw you expressions in the car.

Everybody's downstairs and ready to go.

Oh, for Steve's sake, this works.

Mr. Wick, can you come out of here for a second?

What now, Gary? The family don't want to be a cat?

No, but the family cross -dresser wants to work in cosmetics.

And I'm not going to fire him until you hear me out.

You haven't fired him yet? I told you, I'm not of a man in a dress scaring away

my customers.

But even you couldn't tell he was a woman until Kate said something.

I would have eventually. I could tell a man from a woman in the dark with my

hands tied behind my back.

Not that I ever would have.

You know, it's not always that easy. As a matter of fact, I'm willing to bet my

brother's job on it.

What are you suggesting, Kenny?

A little contest called Dude Looks Like a Lady.

If you can't tell the men from the women, my brother gets his job back.

All right.

I'll play you a little game.

But if I win, what can I take from you that you really care about?

Your pool table.

No, my pool table. That was my dad's pool table.

Can't you just take Nicky for a night?

I'm kidding.

Hey, I'll do it. What?

I'm kidding.

I'd rather have the pool table.

I'm not kidding.

Somewhere in this department, I planted four men dressed as women.

All right, and all I have to do is find one in one minute. It's child's play.

But if you make a wrong choice, you lose.

So, Mr. Wick, it's not that bad.

Hello! Welcome to Winford Louder. Look at you. You're the cutest customer I've

ever seen. Too smooth. Beat it. Good morning, madam.

No apple.

All right.

Let's see if we can find a banana.

my keys.

Now I have no option but to bend over and display my luscious bum.

Who's looking?

What are you staring at, Kenny?

Brains behind Winford Louders, sir.

Hey, I can be a man. Why don't you pick me, huh? Why don't you pick me? You

don't know. I could have a penis on me somewhere.

Don't worry, you're in my top five.

All right, it's a little more difficult than I thought, but I'll find him.

impersonator in the world, does Dionne Warwick? And you found a bad one.

Come on, let's get that manhood out of there. Come on, let's see the old

manhood. Have you finished shopping yet, Ms. Warwick?

Yes, I have, but apparently he hasn't.

Sorry. I'm a big fan.

Wow. It's Dionne Warwick right here in our store. Hey, welcome to Winford

Louder. Thank you very much. It's nice to be here.

I must say this, though.

We really have Macy's beat.

For service.

All right, I give in. You win.

Just tell me one thing.

That cute blonde over there, that is a woman, isn't it?

Oh, no, sir.

And if you excuse me, someone owes me a lady's Rolex.

Frankie!

I'm really glad you didn't have to go, you know.

I would have missed you.

Thanks, Drew.

Let's talk at a pool table.

I would have missed you, too.

Talking to you, lady.

So, uh, tell me, do Mom and Dad know about you?

Mom, yes.

Dad, no.

Oh, that explains why he's still alive.

Here comes Lewis.

Keep a straight face.

Why?

I fell asleep on the couch watching football.

Oh, crap. Crap, I'm late for my date.

And I'm meeting her parents tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Keeping an eye on you, Steve.

So, uh, first time meeting the parents?

Yeah. Why don't you wear a tie?

What, you think I need one? Hey, hey, hey, don't be so vain. I don't know why

said anything.

Hey, is that, uh, her and her dad up in the lawn?

Here we go.

Lewis, listen.

I can't do this to you.

Get ready.

Oh, my God.

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