Original subtitles

Morning, Mimi.

Morning.

What's with the pajamas, you heifer?

I'm having a dream.

Cool.

Come on over to the window. Let's see if you can fly.

Actually, I wonder why this dream is taking so long.

Oh, my God.

I bet I forgot to set my alarm.

Quick, I gotta wake up. Scare me.

Okay, when you wake up, you're still gonna be you.

No, I need something really frightening.

and maybe deep down I'm sexually attracted to you.

Boy, in real life you'd pay for that kind of ammunition, wouldn't you?

Tell you what I'd pay for? I'd pay for a dead rat to get the taste of your

breakfast out of my mouth!

Get it!

Yeah, you big sack of Yorkshire pudding?

A woman on the third floor says that on the way up here you showed her your bum.

It's my dream. I guess I can show my bum to whoever I want.

Shut up and kiss me.

Whoa, wait a second.

Why don't I wake up? What does that say?

This is the craziest party there could ever be.

Drew, they're talking about you all over the store. It's some kind of crazy

dream. I'm going through some leftover fries.

I come across this game card. It says I'm an instant winner.

I never win anything in my life. All of a sudden, I win the Batmobile?

You want to see a naked dance before I wake up?

Oh, my God, Drew, you really did win the Batmobile.

Yeah, right.

My skill was right when I said I lost 10 pounds this morning. No, I forgot to

tell you we broke it last night. Lewis was trying to figure out how much he

weighs when he jumps.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock.

Living in sin with a safety bed gone.

Really appreciate you guys hanging out with me until the Batmobile gets here.

It's the coolest thing that's ever happened to me.

Hey, look.

There's 30 pictures left in this camera. I want you to get every emotion that

comes over my face as the day goes by.

Okay.

Let's start with anticipation.

So you're going to let us take it for a little spin?

Sorry, there's no way.

Hey, look.

I got selfish.

Shut it out.

All right, I'll give you a ride. But I don't know when. I have to meet Nicky's

parents tonight.

Sounds like it's getting serious. When's the big day?

Well, it's not that serious. They haven't even had sex yet.

Who told you?

Kate. Oh.

Do they plan too soon?

Well, Nikki wants to wait a while. She wants to make sure that the moment is

just right.

How does Drew feel about that?

Well, Drew respects that, but, you know, it's been a while for him, too.

If you ask me, he's a little afraid about...

Going the distance.

Well, you know what I heard? What?

Just about enough on a YouTube jackass.

Hey, look.

Performance anxiety.

Is the car here yet? No, but keep next Friday open because we're going to be

coolest couple in the video arcade.

We're going out in the Batmobile?

Yeah, how cool is that?

I read it's almost 30 feet long with flashing neon lights.

That's why the chicks dig it.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we take it to some secluded little spot and park?

And make out?

Sure, even better.

You just want to sit in the car.

It's the Batmobile.

I didn't want to use it. I would have taken the money.

What money?

$200 ,000.

They offered you $200 ,000 or the Batmobile?

And you took the Batmobile?

Oh, and I suppose you would have taken the cash, right? Well, I guess that

explains why I'm where I am. And you guys, where you are?

Peter, you know where we are?

We're at the house of a guy who just gave away $200 ,000!

Let me put that in terms you can understand, Rockefeller! That's 300 ,000

clusters! Now, let me go! What are you doing?

You think I don't know that?

Almost 25 ,000 pizzas, over 2 million meatballs, 150 ,000 gallons of gravy. I

did the math!

You think they'd offer me $200 ,000 if the Batmobile wasn't worth a lot more,

huh? Well, what if you're wrong? What if it went down a third in value as soon

as Batman drove it off the lot?

This is going to be the coolest thing ever. For once, I'm going to get some

color in my life.

I'm here for the carpool.

Where's the Batmobile?

It's not my carpool day, Mimi. Beat it.

Wrong again, dynamic duo.

Switch to Johnson.

Now, I get a ride in the coolest car in the world, or Wick cares about your

little trip to... Florida on the company dime.

I didn't go to Florida. You did.

No, I didn't.

Drew Carey did.

Good thing your name like your body's gender neutral.

It's the front door.

Quick, to the Batmobile.

Nothing's going to ruin this for me. Not me getting the first ride, not passing

up a load of money. Nothing.

Okay. How do we look? There's probably going to be a lot of photographers.

There's probably going to be a media circus out there.

You Drew Carey?

Back, you animals! Back! You'll all get your chance!

I'm Drew Carey. Good.

Here's your bat manual, bat keys, bat warranty, bat no -spill coffee

mug.

Sign here.

Wait a second. Where's all the fanfare? I mean, where's all the photographers?

Oh! Oh, I guess they're with my supermodel girlfriend in my house at the

Well, now that all the hooplas died down... Quick,

to the Fatmobile!

Mushroom rolls cake.

Relax, I'm only going five miles an hour.

Come on, open this baby up. I can barely feel the wind on my face.

Maybe the wind's avoiding your face, everything of that.

Oh, wow, there's my neighbor Clemens.

Thinks he's still hot in his riding worn. This is going to really burn his

Holy weed whacker, Clemens!

Looks like you're going to be working on that lawn all year long.

I heard you want some kind of special car, Carrie.

Where is it?

Kellen, you're the Clemens.

Your neighbor, Drew Carey, has the Batmobile.

Not only that, but look, I caught the Joker.

Hi, Drew.

Cool car.

Hey, you haven't introduced me to your new girlfriend.

I'll bring her by as soon as I get this out of the car.

I think I'd date him for free. It's costing him a hundred bucks an hour. If

a freak, I tell you, I'm a stone freak.

I'll pay for that three -face.

By the way, you buckled up? Why?

the dress that says, Hi, Mom and Dad, I'm happy, or the dress that says, Hi,

and Dad, Drew's happy.

Oh, you've been shopping at our get -a -load -of -these department.

I'll go with the blue.

And it goes without saying, but you'll pick me up in the Buick, right?

No way.

I don't want to look like some geeky nerd. I want to drive up in Batman's

Drew, it's just my last few boyfriends have been kind of... Out there, and I

don't know, I just really want my folks to see I'm dating a nice, normal guy.

Oh, yeah, I can hear folks now.

Well, your new boyfriend has no future, and he drinks too much, but he does have

that 91 Buick LeSabre. Dad and I say go for it.

Look, it's just my family's real uptight.

They just wouldn't get how cool the Batmobile is.

All right, I'll take the other car.

But, you know, I want you to understand that you shouldn't be jealous of the

Batmobile. I just like it different than I like you, that's all.

Yeah, yeah, hi.

Look, third time I called.

I walked in the house. For five minutes, I go out, my new car was stolen.

Okay, now before I tell you which kind it is, let me just say the last two

people hung up on me.

No, I'm dead serious.

It's no joke.

It's the Batmobile.

Boo,

I drove all around looking for your car, and I couldn't find it anywhere. I'm

really sorry.

Why the car?

Why did they take the house?

Look, there's nothing more we can do here.

As soon as we get to the restaurant, we'll call again.

The restaurant? I can't eat now.

This could be it.

I can't wait to get my hands on the creeps that did this.

Officer, am I glad it's you. Did you find it? Yeah.

Do these two belong to you?

Please don't send us to prison.

Not in these costumes.

So, you want to press charges?

No, the walk home from here in those costumes would be punishing enough.

Oh, thanks, Drew. Take the long way. I want a matchbook from the biker bar.

All right, let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not... still thinking about taking the Batmobile, are you? I can't

it here to get stolen again.

I'm not going to have you sitting at the dinner table checking out the window

every five minutes. Look, that's crazy.

We eat dinner with your parents and shifts.

I got to go to the bathroom and you got to go to the bathroom.

Then I go to check out the dessert cart.

Wait a second, I'm really going to do that. But then you can meet an old

at the lounge. His name is Fred.

Her.

Nikki, come on. We can work this out. You're really special to me.

You're really close to the car. Watch the buckle on your purse.

Still in the Batmobile last night, Drew. I hope you're not still mad.

I'm not happy about it. It made me so paranoid I stayed up all night watching

it. Well, it's the Batmobile. Doesn't it have an alarm?

Well, technically, no. But if somebody messes with it, it projects a bat signal

up into the sky.

So, a $200 ,000 car is protected by a flashlight.

Hey, did the sun just come out?

Drew?

Boy blunder?

Go ahead and have your little laugh, but for an hour at the Euclid Square Mall

Radio Shack, I was a god.

So, uh, what are you doing here? I guess you got my flowers, huh?

I want to talk, Drew, and I'd like to do it over dinner.

But listen, I really care about you.

You're always going to come first before some silly car.

I don't know.

Listen. Baby, from now on, it's all about you.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Must stay here. Must fix relationship.

Must ignore baton signal.

Excuse me, Master Kerry. I need to see you and Master Dick in the library.

I'm afraid you'll have to handle Master Dick by yourself.

I have my hands full.

Uh, okay.

Listen,

I have to leave work early anyway. Why don't we go to some place, you know,

where we can talk in private?

What did you have in mind?

There. Now we can talk.

I think we can really work this Batmobile thing out if we just set up

ground rules.

I can't believe we're having this conversation sitting in the Batmobile.

It really handles well. We took those corners without even slowing down.

So they didn't see in the windshield so dark, I'm lucky to be alive.

Okay, so rule number one, just don't talk about the Batmobile.

What's this do? Oh, man, that's the coolest thing in the car. It's the

that makes the Batwings open and close.

Can I try it?

Sure.

I had no idea.

So, uh, another thing. I want to make up to your parents by taking them out to

dinner anywhere they want on me.

Oh, Drew, that is so sweet.

And you look so good behind the wheel of this car. Really sexy.

Yeah?

What do you think of that?

Came with the car.

You know, uh, of all the...

fantasies I've ever had in the Batmobile is one that I never considered.

Wait a second, let me check my utility belt for protection.

Oh, Batman.

I mean, who?

I don't care.

What the hell? Is that the Batmobile over there again?

Looks like it.

Those two guys we busted yesterday.

Look what they're up to now.

Let's go.

Hey,

Drew,

I know you couldn't say anything at the station, but was it Batman Forever?

I'll bet you're glad it was a dark night.

I got nothing.

You guys shut up. That was really embarrassing.

Especially when the cops shine a light on you and you're in mid -capow.

I got you all the way to mid -capow.

What did it do? Bit for the blam.

Hey, Mr.

Carey. I'm glad you're back. You know, I think Val Kilmer left his watch in the

car. I was wondering if you could give it to him.

Uh, no.

I'm taking the car back because you defiled it.

What?

Who told you that?

Well, the cops called the fast food chain to see if you were really the

When they heard what you did, they decided to take it back.

It's all part of the morals clause.

Batman's car had a morals clause?

Kept the young boy in a cave.

You people get it. The Batmobile belongs to all of us, and we don't want you

buck naked in it. Now give me the keys.

All right.

Fine.

I'll just take the $200 ,000 then. Yeah.

Oh, sure, sure.

We'll send you a check.

Let me get the address.

That's Drew Carey, right?

Okay. And that's 166...

No chance, Lane.

You can't do this to me.

You can't take my money. You can't take my car. I'm going to fight this.

I'm going to fight this all the way.

Where does a guy go to fight something like this?

Wait a minute here.

Drew, cheer up.

Now, you've got to do something that most men only dream about.

You've got to defile the Batmobile.

And there's always plenty of fast food contests. Who knows?

This time next year, you could be doing it on the bridge of the Enterprise.

Eh?

I'd like to say thanks, but I got 200 ,000 reasons not to.

Hey, hey, hey, that's not the Drew Carey I know, huh?

What do you do when life gives you stale French fries, huh? Do you throw them

away? No.

You salt them, you wrap them in a damp paper towel, you reheat them, and you

enjoy them.

So, what do you suggest I do?

I don't know. I get nothing. All right.

Hey, uh, Nicky.

This isn't going to be one of those, uh, was it good for you questions, but, uh,

I noticed the only time you really seemed to be turned on is when we were

Batmobile. I mean, that's not the only thing you find exciting about me, is it?

Well, to be honest, it's mostly you, but it didn't hurt that it was a little

dangerous.

This house was a little dangerous.

Got a couple loose floorboards, the lights out in the fridge.

Drew, I never knew.

Hey, you know something? I think the penguin's at large.

This is a great idea.

Breakfast in bed always cheers Drew up. Breakfast always cheers Drew up.

He likes them over easy, right? I think so.

Hey, how's that toast coming? Almost ready.

Oh,

we're making Drew breakfast in bed in our Batman and Robin outfits. Good for

you.

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