Original subtitles

Morning, Drew. Morning.

Morning, Drew.

Morning.

I need your signature, Carrie. Sign here, sign here, sign here, sign here,

here, sign here.

Morning, Kenneth.

Oh, good morning, sir. Say.

Have you noticed anything unusual around here today?

No, can't say that I have.

What can I do for you, sir? Nothing. I just came out to tell you what a great

job you're doing and how much we value you as an employee.

How about that raise?

Consider it done. In fact, I'm giving you more than you asked for.

Raise and respect.

You knew it.

Stinking aliens.

We saw what happened, Drew. Let us help you.

Not so fast.

Uh, who won the 1969 World Series?

The Zargon Flipsters.

Wrong. It was the Mets.

The 69 Mets were from Zargon.

Can you tell me where the ammonia fountain is?

Oh, I'm just a regular customer, not an alien from the planet Leon.

Die, you unholy bastard.

Clean up in lady's shoe.

Single file, no talking.

All right.

Who are you?

What do you want?

We've come here to enslave you, put you in cubicles, and make you work long

hours with no chance of advancement.

How long do we get for lunch?

Forty -five minutes.

Nobody takes my lunch hour.

Man,

I'm out of power.

Say, uh...

I'll bring you those cubicles anyway.

Special delivery for Mr. Alien.

Yeah, package of death.

Sorry, Drew.

Guess we gotta get probed now.

Time to burn dinner!

Spread his catchphrase. What do you think?

You're beautiful when you're gifted.

Step aside.

I can't. He's got me by the throat.

I was talking to the alien.

Told you this wouldn't work.

Domino's doesn't deliver where you're going, pig.

Oh, look. It isn't the mother's show.

Bite me, dumb boy!

That's all I needed to hear.

Ah,

that was a close one.

Not only are we aliens, but Lewis has impregnated you with his seed.

Who's your alien, baby?

What's your problem?

I dreamt there was a horrible creature with pale skin and a bad haircut.

Bite me, dope boy.

I always wanted to do that.

Moon's over, sleep or bring my... Up every morning just to keep up a job.

I gotta find my way through the hustle and bustle. Sounds of the city pounding

in my brain. While another day goes down the drain.

But it's a five o 'clock world when the whistle blows.

No one owns a piece of my time.

And there's a five o 'clock me inside.

Come on, Drew. We got the truck waiting downstairs.

We got to get out of here before the storm hits. It's supposed to be the

storm in a hundred years.

I can't. Mr. Witt's keeping the store open.

Everybody's got to stay until closing time.

Oh, wow. He's pretty rough on you guys.

Oh, it's not so bad. If the sun explodes, we get to wear shorts.

Okay, well, if you're going to stay, let's decide right now how you're going

communicate with us from the beyond.

All right, how's this?

I'll reject you in the form of a beautiful woman.

Oh, my God. The dead have been trying to reach us for years.

Carrie, I gotta go. Finish these reports.

My kid's school's closing. Because of the storm, I gotta pick him up.

Oh, so if you have kids, you get to go home.

Yeah, I got millions of kids, technically. I mean, who's to say when

begins, really?

That's gross, Carrie.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Larry. You know, single people have lives, too, you know.

Yeah, I guess you better call your four girlfriends in a thumb and tell them

you're gonna be late.

Oh, look, it's a clown show under the big top.

What's the matter? You're mad because people are worried about their kids?

You know, maybe someday you'll wake up and you won't be such a selfish pig.

Mimi, I have to leave early.

I'm not staying.

But my water just broke.

Well, step back. These are new shoes.

Mimi, I really, really need your help.

Please?

Crap.

Why was I born with this big heart? Go on.

Since you're staying, maybe my poor girlfriends and a thumb can go out to

with Pleasure Me Pete.

Attention, everyone.

There's been a severe thunderstorm warning.

This is to remind employees with family that they may go home to their loved

one. Those of you without loved ones, like Carrie here, will stay here and

me during this refreshing summer shower.

Just as we don't have kids, we get stuck here doing everybody else's work.

Yeah. I'm tired of picking up the slack just because I choose to be single.

Choose, you say?

Yeah. I choose to be single the way you choose to be double.

Oh, man, we're losing power.

Oh, great.

Okay, you know the drill. Get everybody together on the main sales floor.

I can't believe this is almost my last hour live probably. I'm going to spend

staring at you.

Thank you, God.

Okay.

Listen up, everybody.

Power's on the whole building. Now, according to the manual, you have to

down all the registers.

check the store for customers, and after that... Still down, would you?

Take a head count of all the employees. When we're finished with that, we'll all

be back here at the face.

Yeah, and when the flood starts, we can all march two by two into Drew's ass.

Hey, it's not my fault we're all stuck down here cowering like animals.

Stupid store policy. I didn't write this junk.

Yeah, well, I think it's time we change it. I say we burn this sucker down.

Yeah. I got it.

Everybody else gets benefits around this place.

Parental leave, maternity leave, flex time.

And what do the single people get? A big demon bullet jack.

I say we form a new kind of union. A union that no one's ever thought of

A union made up of nothing but single people.

I think the pig's got a good idea. It's just what we need. Thank you, Mimi.

We should give Drew the credit and we should make me the president.

Yeah! Wait a second.

It's my idea. I should be the president.

You'll screw it all up. I know what I'm doing. I come from a long line at

truckers.

We don't care what you did on your break, Mimi.

Just humor the...

and we'll have an election tomorrow night, and then you can humiliate him

publicly and vote me most popular.

I mean, union president.

Well, well.

What do we have here?

An unauthorized union rally.

Hey, where's Kate O 'Brien? She must be back at her workstation, working.

I'm not. I'm right here.

You brought this on yourself, Wick.

Mr. Wick.

Mr. Wick.

You abuse people, and they're going to fight back.

We're forming a union, and there's nothing you can do about it.

What's that?

Tornado siren.

I move we continue this meeting in the basement. All in favor, run for your

lives!

You go ahead with this, you agent carry, you'll never get a promotion!

I'll shut down this store when pigs fly!

Ah, there goes a cow.

I suppose under the circumstances I could count that.

Wow. Apparently everybody got out okay, but your store is a real mess. Just

here, it's going to be closed for three days.

Yeah, I drove by this morning looking for my mom's laundry.

And the laundry room.

And my mom.

Hey, you're still going through with that singles rally tonight, aren't you,

Drew? Because Lewis and I thought we should really be there to support you.

You know, if we do come to this meeting, should we bring some, you know,

protection?

Nothing to mix her, Lewis.

Even if it was, protection from what? Being by yourself?

Awful high and mighty for a guy who had to create an entire union just to meet

women.

I did not.

I'm the president of, I'm going to get me some union.

God, that's uncanny. That's true.

That's who I was doing.

I'm going to get me some.

I'm going to get me some. I'm going to get me some. I kind of doubt it.

You know, that's what gives singles a bad name. You know, it's not just about

getting me some.

Being single is a great life. You're only responsible for yourself.

It gets you to read a good book every Saturday night. I swear to God, I

get any better.

You look like you're going to cry.

Shut up. It'll pass.

Larry, what are you doing here?

Work in a cubicle and this is your house?

Nice life.

Look, me and the other employees with kids just had a real angry meeting at

Chuck E. Cheese.

They sent me over here to tell you that if your crappy union ruins even one of

our benefits, you're out of there.

Just a second, kids.

Hey, listen, Armada, you don't come to my house and threaten me. You do it at

work like everyone else.

You don't know how hard it is, I mean, to work and to still find time for your

family. I treasure those few moments I get to hold those precious bundles in my

arms. That's it!

I warned you!

Now we're going back to Chuck E. Cheese and I swear to God I'm going to kill

that rat!

Oh, this stinks.

I tried to do something nice, now half the store hates me.

I might as well just give it up anyway. No one knows what I'm trying to do.

Hey, we're all victims of this singles crap.

It's like when I call in late and they go, oh, out partying all night, huh?

But someone with a kid calls in, it's, oh, is the baby sick?

What, are you going to have a kid to get sympathy?

Isn't it just as poignant to be up vomiting all night because you've mixed

and gin?

What the hell?

It's life -sized.

All right, that's it.

This rock might as well have been the Dolly Madison pie they whipped on my

when I was running for president of the chess club back in high school.

Remember what I did then?

Eat the pie?

After that.

I went after them. I took on the whole chess club by myself.

By the time I got done, there was retainers and broken black glasses

I remember that fight.

That was a funny fight.

Or they're funny for them. They learned you push Drew Perry once, he backs down.

You push him twice, he gets angry.

You push him three times, he rolls about a ball. You push him times four through

ten, you get a combination between playing possum and name -calling. You've

enough patience to push him eleven times.

Boy, there's trouble, because he gets his mother.

And let me tell you something, you push Drew Perry once... Hello?

Is anyone still here?

You've been here all night?

Mm -hmm.

Oh.

Okay. Why don't I just go get something?

No, no, don't leave me.

Take me home with you.

Wow. You must be really messed up.

Man, this is so great. All these women are single.

They can't lie to you. They wouldn't be here if they weren't single.

What's that cologne you're wearing?

Ah, desperation.

I think you put too much on.

What's that scent you smell of?

It's, uh, kind of nice.

Do you like it? It's called Why Am I Talking to Somebody I Already Know.

Have you guys been talking to people? Because I've been talking to people, and

it looks like I'm going to lose this thing.

Got a gut feeling, huh? No, they told me you're going to lose this thing.

Drew, we can't let Mimi win.

I'm pushing you as the perfect singles candidate.

Just go with me.

Hi, Sally. Thanks for being here.

Joe, your divorce finally came through. Welcome to our side.

Vote for Carrie. He'll never marry.

Great slogan, Kate.

Thanks. Drew Carey, never had it, never will.

You keep pumping out those great slogans, don't you? Yeah.

Mary, glad to see you here. Really need your support.

Do you carry? Who date him? You'd have to be drunk.

Let me see those buttons for a second.

Sure.

Hey!

Long time no see.

Give it up, pig.

Hey, look, it's the Rainbow Coalition.

Before we start, I just want you to know it's going to be a fair fight.

May the best man or woman win.

Okay, everybody, can I have your attention?

Now, all in favor of Mimi as the new president of the Winford -Lauder Singles

Union, raise your hand.

Got it.

All in favor of me, Drew Carey, the guy who hired you.

Got it.

What is it?

It's a tie.

You're my best friend and it's a tie?

Wait a minute, I forgot to vote.

You're my best friend, it's a tie.

Mr. Wick, how many of you would consider a re -vote?

Hello? Mr. Wick?

The single employees demand flexible hours.

Less overtime, equal dibs on the vacation time.

Uh -huh.

He says, yeah!

Wait a second.

Don't fall for that. It's one of her stupid tricks.

Oh, you don't believe me?

Whose voice is that?

Oh, my God, it's Mr. Wick's voice.

I don't know why he's singing I'm a Little Teapot, but it's Mr. Rick's

That's all we ever wanted.

Which means we don't need a union anymore.

Which means we can open the bar a minute early.

I

still

don't understand why animals attack.

I'm going to grab a couple beers and console Drew. You guys want anything?

No.

You meet anyone interesting?

No.

You?

Nah. The whole thing felt kind of hollow.

I heard this one guy say, hey, can I check your union label?

No, I got a better one. I heard a guy say, hey, what do you say we boycott our

clothes?

And then I said, hey, what do you say we boycott our clothes?

Smooth. Thank you.

Well, you know, the good part is Kate was going to vote for you, so you would

have been president, in theory.

Well, I'm lying here next to a woman, in theory.

Want a beer?

Yeah.

Hey, you think we're ever not going to be single?

You and me?

We'll find somebody.

I worry about Kate and Oswald, though.

You know what I worry about?

I worry that sometimes when I hit my head, it pushes my hair into my brain.

And eventually it's going to kill me.

I'll tell you what, when I find somebody, we'll invite you over for the

holidays.

Mommy just had a thought. Let's pretend that you're a big movie star and I need

your autograph.

Sure.

Why does it say authorization?

That's the name of the movie, dunce.

London Bridge is flying. Sorry, sorry.

Keep signing.

The faster you sign, the faster we'll get to tubby time.

I'm going to be the cleanest man in the world.

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