Original subtitles

That's an old thing.

I ought to call them Charles Walsers.

Come now, Bradbury.

Retirement's a good thing.

I'm not going.

Hold on a second. What's going on? Nobody told me Mr. Bradbury was

I'm not.

You were meant to retire at 60. We gave you 20 years to clean out your desk.

Mr. Bradbury's on the board of directors. He's the best employee

we ever had.

I can fight my own war, you big sack of meat.

Maybe it is time to go. Of course it is.

He's been on the board for over 40 years.

Then I'll be good for another 40.

I've got a new heart and a new hip, and there's a baboon at the zoo with my

blood type.

Mr. Bradbury, you've had the best job in the store. It's time for you to go out

and enjoy your golden year.

You just want this job for yourself.

You all want this job.

Well, back away, you jackals, or the kid gets it.

Mr. Bradbury, you don't want to do this. You want to leave here with your head

held high.

Hey, look, it's the oldest trick in the book.

I don't see it.

Hope you see it better down in Florida.

Bye -bye.

What's going on?

Well, just say that I'm sitting on a big secret here, buddy.

Yeah, and it's hanging over your chair.

So what's the big secret?

Well, since either one of you have a chance of getting it, I guess I can tell

you. Old man Bradbury finally stepped down as the employer up on the board of

directors.

Oh, my God, the rumor's true.

The cushy's job in the store is finally up for grabs.

for treats in Hawaii, company car, and what's it pay, like $50 ,000 a year?

Well, that's a lot of dough just for sitting on your ass.

It's the American dream.

Ass dough.

I'm signing up. Who do I talk to?

Well, Mr. Wick or one of the other board of directors, other ones who vote on

it. But forget it, because they're looking for someone with management

experience, so the job's mine.

Oh, yeah?

Well, old man Bradbury was a janitor when he got the job, so he could go to

of us.

But between Sparkles, Dumpy, and me, I gotta go with me.

Yeah, forget it. The job's mine.

My face has got board of directors written all over it.

You could have the Bible under there for all I know.

Excuse me, sir. I would like to apply for the opening of the board of

Right away.

Gotta go.

Keep up the job, I gotta fight my way through the hustle and bustle. Sounds of

the city pounding in my brain.

Come on, buddy, you've got to pick a book. We're here for you, man, but in

another five minutes, if you don't pick a book, we're going to be at the Indians

game for you. You know, besides, all these business books are the same.

Hey, I've got a book for you. Kiss butt for 15 years in a drug lab, then

accidentally unleash a teeny tiny strain of bacteria.

Suddenly it's goodbye lab coat, hello mop.

I can't find the right book. These books are all about... networking and

corporate strategy, swimming with the sharks, running with the bulls. I can't

swim. I don't want to run.

I just want a book that'll let the board see me as one of them.

Hey, Kate, can you give me another cinnamon roll while you're over there?

Sure, Drew, but this is the last one.

You've got to pick a book.

Hey, when did bookstores start serving pastry and coffee?

You know, if they clear out a couple of these shelves, put in a couch and a TV,

I'd be at this bookstore every day.

Drew, if you can't pick one, why don't you just buy a bunch of them? Yeah,

they're too expensive.

Here, look at this one.

32 bucks.

You know, they should have a place like a video store where you take a book for

a couple of days, and then when you're done with it, you bring it back.

Drew, look.

Over here, there's a section called business humor.

Huh?

Water cooler wit, small talk for the stall, knock knock.

Who's there?

I think I should keep looking.

Excuse me.

Sorry. Hey, what's up?

Oh, um, how to gain the professional edge. But you can't eat it. You wouldn't

interested.

Well, then maybe you can help me.

I'm looking for a book called Why Is That Man Kicking Me? It's by your butt.

How to gain the professional edge.

Achieve the personal and professional image you want. Hey, this is it. This is

what I'm looking for.

Oh, thank God. We can go.

I don't know. It's only a paperback.

Are you looking for a sign?

Oh, well, it's kind of hard to put down. I mean, it's really hard to put down.

Hey, Sticky Fingers, you just got cinnamon and roll all over that book?

You just bought it.

And the Lord spoke through the food.

And the food said, you shall buy the book.

And lead them into the Indians' game where they shall drinketh beer.

Drew,

it's casual day. Where's your muscle shirt and torn shorts?

Not that I'm complaining.

You're looking at a new Drew, Kate.

This is the Drew with the professional edge.

Then why'd you unbutton one button on your shirt?

I didn't unbutton it. It flew off after breakfast.

It's kind of sad, really. It was the last of the originals.

Anyway, I love casual day.

What is it? Food on my face? Eye boogers? Nose hair? What?

Nothing, Kate. I'm just using eye contact to exude confidence and show an

interest in what others are saying.

This book is great. I'm bored by you as usual, but look.

I appear interested.

Hello, Larry.

How are you today?

I'm married, O 'Brien. Cool your jets.

We're in a suit on casual day, huh?

Casual day doesn't mean careless day, Mimi.

What are you, a landing strip?

Land on this.

You know, that suit is why you're all wrong to represent the employees.

You're not one of us.

The employees of this store and I are cut from the same cloth.

Really? How much of it did they get?

Garrett? Hey, Mr. Wick.

Get a load of Drew.

What kind of jackass wears a suit on casual day?

Let me guess.

He's wearing a suit.

How can I punish you?

Like this. I want you here all day Saturday finishing these reports.

Thank you, sir. I hope this won't change your vote for me.

Actually, it has. I'm now voting an emphatic no.

No, wait. I have to sign these reports.

Either of you two have a pen?

Oh.

Here's the quandary.

Mimi's leaky troll doll pen.

Or Carrie's classic Mont Blanc.

A prospective member of the board should use nothing less, sir. Thank you,

Carey. I'll bear that in mind when I make my vote. By the way, good move with

the suit.

At least someone looks like they came to work today.

It's all about image, sir. I -M -A -G -E.

Impression, movement, attitude, grooming, and etiquette, sir.

Very good, Carey.

Uh, sir, the pen.

Oh, what was I thinking?

Thank you.

Oh, wait. Is that the phone?

I'll get it.

Hello.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Well, she's right here.

Yes. Yes. Yeah. Sure, I'll tell her. Sure.

You lose.

I'm telling you, Drew's professional edge book absolutely does not work.

Are you kidding?

Here's impressing board members left and right. And this time it's not by eating

wieners while they chant, go, go, go, go.

I'm telling you, that eye contact thing did not work for me, I can tell you

that. It may impress a boss, but it just freaks out a lab monkey.

Hey,

I made the cut. I'm one of the finalists for the board of directors job.

Hey, all right.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I've only read half of you

already, you changed my life. I never thought I'd say this about a book,

I want you.

Somewhere a swimsuit issue is crying.

So what do you got to do next to get this board job?

Well, tomorrow's the big day. We're having a formal lunch interview with the

executive dining room, which should be a breeze once I read the chapter on

professional dining etiquette. Oh, that's where your six -meal -a -day

gives you the edge.

So you're a shoo -in, right?

Well, it's not over yet. I still got to beat out Larry, Sally in the complaint

department, and Mimi.

Mimi the...

get any board member to vote for her?

This may be the medication talking, Mimi, but I'd like for you to meet my

parents.

No, Jerry, I'm a very freaky girl, the kind you don't take home to mother.

Oh, my God, she's out with Gerald Bordrum's bedroom Thompson.

I can't even believe she'd stoop that low.

So what? She gets one vote and he gets one last vision of Mimi before he dies.

I just want to thank you again for helping me to become a finalist.

May I be so bold as to say I... I hope your teeth end up on my knife, Dad.

Well, that sounds exciting.

But you must know that now that we're dating, I can't help you any longer.

It's over. It's not you. It's me. Bye -bye.

Move over, pig. I need a drink.

What's your date would have said to you tomorrow morning?

I turned him down.

I can't help it if I'm the kind of woman that he wants.

Hey, anyone got a dented, rusty old Buick? Just got hit by a street sweeper

front. Oh, my God. What color is it?

Private.

What's that you?

Am I moving your book?

It's not my book.

Well, you're standing right here. It's got to be your book.

Wait a minute.

This is Drew's book.

Oh, he's getting all these great ideas.

Um, would you mind if I used your back door?

Actually, I prefer it.

It's sold out.

Give it to me.

Oh, no. What's the matter? Did you read the chapter on professional dining

etiquette? Of course I did. I memorized that whole book.

Well, which seat at the table is the power seat?

That one?

No. It's the one holding you up.

The power seat at the table is the one facing the door, dipwad.

Oh, relax, Drew. They're not going to do a urine test before lunch.

Then why did you pee in that cup?

Hey, how you doing?

Number one, the proper handshake.

Grasp firmly.

Pump twice.

Let go.

Nothing like the old two -pump handshake, huh, Mr. Wick?

Ha, I read that far.

Yeah, but when the food comes, you're going to be like a bear at the dump.

Everyone, we don't stand on formality here.

Well, that's good, because I hate formality. Oh!

A shrimp fork in the olive dish.

Are we barbarians?

Get fired!

Now let's have a lovely meal.

Sorry I'm late.

Number two, be on time.

My bran muffin this morning really cleared out the old inventory, but now

ready to restock the shelves.

The pressure got to him. He's off the wagon. It's down to you and me.

Great to see you, Mrs. L.

Us dummers have to stick together.

You know what I mean?

Please forgive me if I eat lightly. I have a bleeding ulcer, which has been

causing me a few problems.

Number three, speak positively and be enthusiastic.

Hey, what?

Great way to lose weight.

You know, they say a bleeding ulcer is the rich man's disease.

Boy, I wish I had a bleeding ulcer.

Hey, my father always said wishing was a sign of passivity and fear.

You're right, sir. I am going to get a bleeding ulcer.

So, Mimi, tell us why you feel you're qualified to be the new employee member

the board.

Oh, well, thank you. Thank you for asking, Mrs. Louder. Now let me tell you

I'm qualified.

Number four, avoid interrupting others.

I've had my butt kicked around the store for 15 years.

You owe me!

Number five, think before you speak.

There, top that.

Number six, speak well of colleagues.

Well, actually, Mrs. Louder, Larry's right.

He does work hard and deserves better from the store.

But what he deserves most is better representation on the board, and that,

humble opinion, would be me.

Well spoken, Mimi. I'm surprised we haven't had a chance to chat more often.

Yeah, it sucks, don't it?

Oh, wouldn't you know it, Carrie, they've forgotten my fish knife. Hand me

yours, would you?

Oh, the fish knife. Fish knife. Oh, of course. Why don't you just take it

yourself?

And reach across the table.

This is the executive dining room, man.

Oh, okay, then here, take all my knives. Oh, this is hardly executive behavior.

Hand me only the fish knife.

Oh, you want the fish knife. Coming right up.

Which one's the fish knife?

It was a gift from my eldest nephew. Yeah, fascinating. I'm going to go

my nose. Anybody got a magazine?

Number seven. Do not announce where you're going.

What the heck? I'll take the wine list.

Hey, I just thought of a reason why I should be on the board.

People like me.

I consider myself above all a people person.

Sorry.

Sorry, nothing. He did that on purpose.

Yeah?

So what?

Number three, speak positively and be enthusiastic.

Hey, he's a really good shover.

You're going to take that from him? That's not muscle, you know.

Get it. Why don't you finish him off with a fish knife?

I know the guys that I helped you work on this trick all weekend, but now we're

thinking that maybe the David Copperfield special isn't the best place

to solve career problems.

I mean, we were really drunk.

No, look, I really need this.

You know, I finally figured out why Bradbury stayed on the board so long.

They're not looking for somebody with a professional edge. They want somebody

just who's fun to hang out with.

And until it wasn't his armpits making those sounds anymore, he was really fun.

make a decision, sir? An announcement will be made later this afternoon, Amy.

Uh, excuse me, if I may interrupt. I would like to show you a side of Drew

that you have never seen before.

But first, I need a volunteer.

You, sir, would you step forward, please?

Now, Mrs. Lauder, you always say there's no money in the budget, but have you

checked behind Thompson's ear?

And they always say that the board is against change.

Magic escaped this humiliation.

That's enough, Mimi.

Come on, that was fun.

Now, if you'd be so kind to lie on the desk and relax, this won't take very

long.

I knew that lion was going to come back and haunt me someday.

You owe me big for this, Carrie.

Relax. Magic really turns Mimi on.

Oh?

Lovely assistant.

Hey, hands off, Thompson.

Let me just say, ladies and gentlemen, that if selected, I promise to...

Rape.

Rape.

Rape.

Spirit of the board.

And make all of their troubles...

I hope you'll consider this as you make your selection. Oh, that was wonderful.

I've never been so entertained.

I believe based on our earlier discussions and this presentation, we

announce the winner now.

Congratulations, Carrie.

I never thought you'd make it to second choice.

The new employee representative is... Oh, there he is.

Larry...

Congratulations,

Larry. See you in the boardroom in 20 minutes.

How the hell did you pull this off?

Yeah, what did you do? Sleep with the old broad?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Oh, my God.

That's right. I slept with her.

Everyone else talked about it, but I did it.

I got the job, and I don't care.

The only good thing about this is that you didn't get the job.

Hey, it's only your constant failure that's keeping me standing.

Wait a second.

The book says we're supposed to lose gracefully, and I'm sorry you lost.

these are for you.

Really?

Oops, they must have seen you.

She's incredible, Drew. Look at all the places she's worked.

Well, you know, sometimes people cheat a little on their resumes. I'm sure it's

not all exactly true.

Good afternoon, sir.

I am Tiffany.

I am here to apply for the opening in cosmetics.

You know, uh, if you'd have shaved off that mustache, you might have had a

chance. Screw you!

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