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Guess who?
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Billy!
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It's me, Frank, your kid brother.
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Billy!
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You always did like surprises.
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If at any point in the next hour either
of you feel stress, Bob, Dave, I want
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you to breathe in through your nose.
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Push your tummy right down into your
bottom.
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Hello, stress.
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Goodbye, stress.
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OK?
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Hello, stress.
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Goodbye, stress.
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That's good.
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And remember, I...
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care. So don't fight me.
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Let's get started.
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October 2nd, 11 .15am. I'm Tom Reid, the
Metropolitan Police Trauma Counsellor,
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and this is taped evidence for the
inquiry into the disappearance of
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Superintendent Frank Cotton.
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Let's kick off with the night it all
started. The night a routine D Division
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stakeout went wrong and suspected armed
robber William Connors.
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Was shot.
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Bob.
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Well, I didn't actually see anything.
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I had my eyes closed.
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I always close my eyes and stick my
fingers in my ears when there's guns
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off.
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00:02:14,380 --> 00:02:16,240
I've got this thing about big bangs.
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Someone threw a firework into my pram
when I was a baby.
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Oh, no.
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I wouldn't mind, but it was my mum who
threw it.
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Dave, what about you?
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Well, it's all a bit of a blank, really.
It was dark.
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It was up a tree.
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It was a plum tree.
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And afterwards I was a bit numb.
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After I'd spent two hours sitting on a
couple of squashed plums.
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Well, as someone who was involved in
the...
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shooting incident.
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How did you feel when you were told that
it was you two who were going to have
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to tell William Connor's mother that her
son had been killed?
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I mean, I'm sort of guessing that it
wasn't something you really wanted to
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was it? No, no.
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We're partners.
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We like to be mature about these things.
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Well, I ain't doing it.
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The paper is a stone.
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Right. Loser tells her he's dead, winner
gets the chipset. No arguments.
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No better three. No crossing your
fingers behind your back. Ready?
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One, two, three, scissors.
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Now what?
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00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:39,330
Let's do it again.
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One, two, three, scissors.
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One, two, three, scissors. Will you stop
doing scissors?
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Will you stop doing scissors?
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Stupid! paper or something. If I do
paper, you'll do scissors and then I've
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it. I won't do scissors, I promise.
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All right, I won't do scissors.
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OK?
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00:04:00,780 --> 00:04:02,820
One, two, three, scissors!
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00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:05,160
I say, hello, Mrs Cox.
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00:04:05,161 --> 00:04:09,379
And then you say, what are you going to
do with your spare room? She says, I
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haven't got a spare room. Then we both
say, you have now, your son's dead.
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00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:16,659
How long has it been since you did
anything like this?
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Not since I was in uniform.
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I was never very good at breaking bad
news.
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Just shouting, your dad dead, through
the letterbox and running off. Got me
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hot water more than once.
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00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,130
Well, the coldness of this, she's got a
weak heart as well.
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00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,920
So perhaps we ought to break it to her a
bit more gently.
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00:04:33,220 --> 00:04:34,600
Well, he was an armed robber.
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She must have expected something like
this to happen someday.
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00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:40,040
Hey, hey, that's good. That's good.
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How about we start off something like
this?
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Mrs Connors, as you know, your son was
involved in a very dangerous profession.
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The most dangerous profession in the
world.
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00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:54,860
Well, apart from coal miner and circus
lion tamer.
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That's good.
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That's very good.
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Bizarre, but good. Even better.
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OK, what have we got?
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Mrs Connors, hello!
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00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:09,199
Did you know that... Since the demise of
the British coal industry... And since
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circuses have, by and large, stopped
featuring large animals like lions...
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Except in places like Poland.
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Since then, armed robbery is
officially... The most...
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Dangerous profession in the world?
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00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:25,339
No, in Britain. Sounds like we've done
our own work. Then while she ponders
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00:05:25,340 --> 00:05:27,460
fact, we hit her with a big one.
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00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:29,620
No wonder your son's dead.
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In the end, we decided to stick to
procedure.
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Gain entry, make polite chit -chat, and
then subtly find a way to introduce the
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topic of sudden death.
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Whatever you do, don't laugh.
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When we saw how frail she was, we knew
we couldn't tell her we were coppers
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straight away.
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So, who are you?
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Us?
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00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:52,530
Me and him?
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Where?
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From the council.
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The council?
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Oh, have you come about the rat?
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Yes.
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We've come about the rat.
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It's about bloody time.
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He's the size of a pony. He comes up
through the rubbish chute straight into
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kitchen.
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Come here and I'll show you his teeth
mark on the... Wait, Mrs Connors.
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Did you know that officially being a rat
is the most
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dangerous animal to be?
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So it is little wonder, then, that the
rat is dead.
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Dead? Yes.
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Dead. We shot him last night.
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You killed him? Oh, that's the most
marvellous news.
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Wait. Wait, Mrs Connors.
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That may be good news for you.
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But what about the rat's mother?
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You see, Mommy Rat is sitting in her
cosy council
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flat when suddenly, knock, knock, it's
two glum -looking ferrets from the
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Riverbank Council.
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They've come to tell her that her
little... William Rat...
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has been shot dead in a back garden in a
course of investigation into a series
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of post office robberies.
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Hello, Mary.
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I'm sorry, the front door was open.
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Father, what are you doing here?
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I just heard.
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I can walk straight away.
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Did you tell her the news?
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Indeed they did, Father. Isn't it
wonderful?
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I know he was one of God's creatures,
Father, but I was sick and tired of
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clearing up his droppings.
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I think we'll leave this in your capable
hands, Father. Come on, Bob.
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Yeah.
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Like we said.
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We stuck to procedure.
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Did it by the book.
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00:08:04,540 --> 00:08:09,720
Hey, you know, for two guys not trained
in trauma therapy, well, wow.
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00:08:10,650 --> 00:08:11,700
I mean, woo -hoo!
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00:08:12,570 --> 00:08:13,620
That's incredible.
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00:08:13,621 --> 00:08:17,249
It must have been around about this time
that you were beginning to notice that
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things were sitting heavily on the
shoulders of Frank.
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Hello, stressed.
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Goodbye, stressed.
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That's good, that's nice.
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00:08:28,970 --> 00:08:33,969
Now, apparently, since Frank was in
charge on the night that the stakeout
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wrong, he blamed himself for William
Connor's death.
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Come in.
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00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:44,660
Now, did you notice anything strange
about his behaviour on that day?
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Er, done that, sir.
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We've, er... We've told Mrs Connors.
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A bit of tact, a pint of strong tea
always does the trick.
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Sir?
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Freddie was his name.
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00:09:06,611 --> 00:09:08,579
Sorry, sir.
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00:09:08,580 --> 00:09:09,630
I was just thinking.
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00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:14,779
Thinking back to when I was a little
boy, in those days, the co -op still
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horses for the milk.
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00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:19,240
What, instead of cows?
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Freddie, me and my brother Bill, we
played cowboys and Indians. We pretended
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was our horse.
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Every morning, Freddie pulled that milk
float up the hill.
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He was just too old.
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He just couldn't get it up anymore.
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And you know what they did to Freddie
when he became too old to please the
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housewives?
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They put him out to grass.
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Two weeks later, he went lame.
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And they shot him.
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00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,730
Do you want us to inform the relatives,
sir?
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00:10:10,460 --> 00:10:14,319
Frank blamed himself for the shooting
because he thought he was getting too
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for the job.
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00:10:15,371 --> 00:10:17,739
We tried to reassure him, didn't we,
Dave?
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00:10:17,740 --> 00:10:18,790
Oh, yeah.
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00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:24,019
We said, at his age, fatal errors at
work and chronic impotence are the least
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you can expect.
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00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,420
He said, at least you don't smell a wee.
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00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:33,740
So it was the next day you found out
that Frank had gone missing.
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00:10:33,741 --> 00:10:38,509
You must have been very worried. So you
want 50 quid that he's in a bed and
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breakfast somewhere on the south coast?
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00:10:40,330 --> 00:10:43,190
Florida is from 11 to 1. We've got 5 to
2. You what?
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You got it.
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00:10:45,630 --> 00:10:46,680
Yes, yes.
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Right, face down in the Thames it is.
Yeah, I'll hold.
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00:10:51,830 --> 00:10:52,880
OK, what we got?
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00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:56,749
That was a tonne on Malaga from the
Murder Squad Christmas Fund. And I've
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200 quid on Beachy Head from the Fraud
Squad. How are they paying?
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00:11:00,110 --> 00:11:01,830
Check. Forget it.
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00:11:01,831 --> 00:11:07,679
Superintendent Cottam, 10 ,000 guineas,
handicapped sweepstakes. My name's Bob.
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00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:08,730
How can I help you?
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00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:10,970
Commissioner!
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00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:12,750
Canada?
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00:11:14,260 --> 00:11:15,310
OK,
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00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:17,300
come on. Let's loosen up a bit.
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00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:23,600
Now, what I'm seeing is two guys in
trauma.
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00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:28,880
Two very good coppers in a vortex of
pain and regret.
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00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:33,459
You've just been told that Frank, your
air -saps father figure for all these
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00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:34,510
years,
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00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,420
had just run away to Canada.
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00:11:38,140 --> 00:11:40,000
Now, why Canada?
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00:11:41,540 --> 00:11:43,160
Because his brother lived there.
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00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:49,019
Or was it maybe because Canada
represented his childhood, the Wild
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00:11:49,020 --> 00:11:52,920
freedom of the wilderness, that wild
child that lives within all of us?
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00:11:53,940 --> 00:11:57,020
No, it was definitely because his
brother lived there.
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00:11:57,340 --> 00:11:59,900
But was it escape? Or was it exile?
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00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,440
Was he living in paradise?
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00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,080
Or was it purgatory?
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00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:07,900
It was a place called Bison Breath
Creek, actually. You're fighting me,
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00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:10,650
Great.
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00:12:11,420 --> 00:12:16,739
Then the commissioner, God square in his
uniform, instructs you to spit in his
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00:12:16,740 --> 00:12:21,200
eye. You knew that Frank needed kind
space, herb tea.
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00:12:21,620 --> 00:12:27,139
But the commissioner, that great marble
statue with a huge dominant male
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00:12:27,140 --> 00:12:31,680
penis... He asked you to go to Canada.
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00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,090
And hunt him down like a common
criminal.
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00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:37,690
Yeah.
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00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:39,330
Canada.
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00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:41,890
Him and me.
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00:12:42,860 --> 00:12:44,220
All expenses paid.
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00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:52,080
And despite that very real, very
masculine bond of love you had for
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00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:53,340
you agreed.
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00:12:54,180 --> 00:12:55,340
You said yes.
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00:12:57,580 --> 00:12:58,630
We said.
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00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:09,060
We called the case Operation Maple.
226
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:13,759
Except we changed that, didn't we, Dave,
to Operation Linda Lovely Legs, after
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00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,059
the nice hostess who gave us that
snuggly blanket.
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00:13:16,060 --> 00:13:21,040
When we got to Calgary, we found it was
a leapy, dusty cowboy town.
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00:13:23,860 --> 00:13:28,139
We checked into a little B &B, dropped
off our bags and decided on a plan of
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00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:29,190
action.
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00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:34,079
All we had to go on was the name of the
town and a tourist map of some old
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00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,300
abandoned gold mines.
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00:13:35,301 --> 00:13:39,679
Right, let's get this over with as quick
as possible and then we can start our
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00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:42,150
holiday. Why don't we just phone him
from the bar?
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00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:43,680
Ah, he's put us on the phone.
236
00:13:45,540 --> 00:13:48,460
According to this, he's not even on a
road.
237
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,540
What's that black line there?
238
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:57,539
We first realised that finding Frank
wasn't going to be easy when we met the
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00:13:57,540 --> 00:13:59,040
ticket collector on the train.
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00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:00,350
Tickets, please!
241
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:03,750
Tickets, please.
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00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,760
That's two for Bison Breath Creek, then.
243
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:11,850
Bison?
244
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:14,610
It's been run.
245
00:14:15,540 --> 00:14:18,580
He's a ticket collector. Surely you've
seen a ticket before.
246
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:27,299
Thirty years I've worked this line, and
we never, not ever, has
247
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:32,180
anyone ever got off the train at Bison.
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00:14:37,319 --> 00:14:41,300
Daddy, I made it. I got the whole
collection.
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00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:47,579
Am I getting the impression that where
we're going is a bit off the beaten
250
00:14:47,580 --> 00:14:48,630
track?
251
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:03,510
Pretty soon, we're in the heart of the
Canadian Rockies.
252
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,710
I have to admit, the scenery took our
breath away, didn't it, Bob?
253
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,280
Reminds me of Cannon Hill Park.
254
00:15:12,460 --> 00:15:14,660
Or Amsterdam Men's Swimming Pool.
255
00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:18,720
It was tough going in them mountains.
256
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:23,099
But luckily, we'd had the foresight to
wear specially designed SAS -style
257
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:24,580
outdoor survival clothing.
258
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:30,139
When we found the sign to Bison Breath
Creek, we were deep into grizzly bear
259
00:15:30,140 --> 00:15:31,190
country.
260
00:15:31,820 --> 00:15:37,379
We also had to look out for cougars,
mountain lions and packs of ferocious
261
00:15:37,380 --> 00:15:38,430
timber wolves.
262
00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:42,520
Out there in the wilderness, you have to
sort of blend in with your environment.
263
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,260
Attain a kind of inner stillness.
264
00:15:49,380 --> 00:15:52,420
Works in England.
265
00:16:08,851 --> 00:16:15,859
Do you remember when we booked that
holiday in cars at the last minute?
266
00:16:15,860 --> 00:16:17,420
The one that Noda recommended?
267
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:19,170
Yeah.
268
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:26,100
And do you remember that strange mixture
of fear,
269
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:33,219
surprise, anger and misplaced optimism
we felt
270
00:16:33,220 --> 00:16:39,839
when the deck chair attendant moved his
change pouch and we saw that he was
271
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:40,890
naked?
272
00:16:41,420 --> 00:16:45,600
And he realised that Kikinos nudicus was
Greek for nudist colony.
273
00:16:52,260 --> 00:16:53,940
I'm getting the same feeling now.
274
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,320
Without the misplaced optimism.
275
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,250
Hey, people!
276
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,079
Come on in! We're having a party!
277
00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:07,900
Welcome to the finest saloon in Bison
Breath!
278
00:17:13,139 --> 00:17:14,800
Well, at least he isn't naked.
279
00:17:19,380 --> 00:17:20,660
Dear God.
280
00:17:21,339 --> 00:17:24,480
Well, sure is a hot day out there today,
huh, fellas?
281
00:17:24,780 --> 00:17:26,580
What are you going to have, whiskey?
282
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:30,450
Well, at least the king's arms, they
move the dirt about a bit now and again.
283
00:17:30,660 --> 00:17:32,420
Yeah, sure is cold today.
284
00:17:32,940 --> 00:17:35,420
Boy, freeze the balls off a mule, huh?
285
00:17:53,350 --> 00:17:55,400
What can I do for you there, fancy
pants?
286
00:17:57,130 --> 00:18:01,510
Well, I'll... We'll study the menu a bit
longer.
287
00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:05,270
Well, don't take all day. I'm really
busy. I've got a lot of customers to
288
00:18:08,950 --> 00:18:10,000
What are you doing?
289
00:18:24,810 --> 00:18:27,650
Wes said he'd like two nice cold beers.
290
00:18:28,030 --> 00:18:31,050
Beer? Is that all right, Wes? You want a
beer? Yes, he does.
291
00:18:32,110 --> 00:18:34,010
There you go.
292
00:18:43,090 --> 00:18:46,030
Hey, have you got any miniatures left
from the plane?
293
00:18:47,770 --> 00:18:48,820
Miniatures? No.
294
00:18:50,030 --> 00:18:51,230
Didn't we have one left?
295
00:18:51,370 --> 00:18:53,300
I drank it on the train. You were
asleep.
296
00:18:53,770 --> 00:18:54,820
Oh.
297
00:18:54,890 --> 00:18:55,940
Thanks very much.
298
00:18:57,830 --> 00:18:59,970
Well, this is lovely, isn't it?
299
00:19:00,341 --> 00:19:04,509
Have you seen that deer's head over
there?
300
00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:06,250
Where? Over there.
301
00:19:11,570 --> 00:19:12,620
What about it?
302
00:19:14,390 --> 00:19:16,570
Just nice, isn't it? Nice deer.
303
00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:19,650
Oh, that's not a deer. That's an elk.
304
00:19:20,790 --> 00:19:22,010
This is not whiskey.
305
00:19:22,210 --> 00:19:23,260
It's whiskey.
306
00:19:23,671 --> 00:19:25,399
It's tea.
307
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:26,450
Whiskey. It's tea.
308
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,780
Sure seems like whiskey. Tea.
309
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,840
Whiskey. It's tea. It's whiskey.
310
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,140
Oh, that's tea.
311
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:39,560
Whiskey. It was tea.
312
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:45,340
It was whiskey.
313
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:53,260
Well, I remember when we were kids, you
were always a sheriff.
314
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,140
I was always the deputy.
315
00:19:57,340 --> 00:20:04,199
And that sheriff's badge you had, the
one you thought you lost, you didn't
316
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,250
it.
317
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:07,250
I stole it.
318
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:10,610
Here it is.
319
00:20:14,820 --> 00:20:15,870
Sorry, Bill.
320
00:20:17,380 --> 00:20:19,320
No need to apologize, Frank.
321
00:20:19,321 --> 00:20:21,139
Who are you?
322
00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:22,190
Name's Jack.
323
00:20:22,270 --> 00:20:23,650
Folks call me Rattlesnake.
324
00:20:25,270 --> 00:20:27,330
Frank. Frank Cottam, Bill's brother.
325
00:20:27,331 --> 00:20:30,809
My daddy owns the land from here all the
way up to the mountain.
326
00:20:30,810 --> 00:20:32,290
Old Bill used to pay me rent.
327
00:20:32,291 --> 00:20:36,649
Oh, you mean you want me to... The only
rent Bill ever paid me was a good cup of
328
00:20:36,650 --> 00:20:39,670
coffee and a few stories about the Hell
East End.
329
00:20:40,810 --> 00:20:42,950
Well, I think I can manage that.
330
00:20:44,070 --> 00:20:46,610
So do you know a bloke called Bill
Cottam?
331
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:48,790
Apparently he pans for gold round here.
332
00:20:49,030 --> 00:20:53,019
Sure. That's Bill sitting right over
here with the bar tea boys. Bill, say
333
00:20:53,020 --> 00:20:54,070
hello.
334
00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:00,020
It's getting quite busy in here today,
isn't it?
335
00:21:00,420 --> 00:21:05,039
Oh, yeah, it's always like this on a
Friday night. You know, we have the
336
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,480
wrestling, followed by the drink the
spittoon competition.
337
00:21:09,900 --> 00:21:11,580
That's when the fun really starts.
338
00:21:12,380 --> 00:21:17,240
So, Edsel, you strange man, this is
whiskey.
339
00:21:18,990 --> 00:21:20,040
Yeah.
340
00:21:20,390 --> 00:21:23,390
Do you have any tea?
341
00:21:24,490 --> 00:21:27,750
Tea? Boy, everybody's asking for tea
today.
342
00:21:28,110 --> 00:21:30,530
Sure, we've got tea. We've got tons of
it.
343
00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:33,250
Maisie, tea for two in the crush bar.
344
00:21:34,070 --> 00:21:35,120
Crush bar.
345
00:21:36,510 --> 00:21:37,950
All right, whose dog is that?
346
00:21:38,910 --> 00:21:41,010
Maisie, tea for two.
347
00:21:42,650 --> 00:21:45,850
You, Maisie, wait over here, love. Give
us your answer.
348
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:49,280
We're dying of birds down here.
349
00:21:49,620 --> 00:21:50,940
You want something, boys?
350
00:21:57,980 --> 00:21:59,030
Hello, Maisie.
351
00:22:00,180 --> 00:22:02,320
I'm Dave. This is my assistant, Bob.
352
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:04,010
We're from London.
353
00:22:05,460 --> 00:22:07,740
We would like two teas, please.
354
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,640
You came all this way just to make fun
of my pa.
355
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:14,300
I'll get your tea.
356
00:22:18,470 --> 00:22:19,610
This is the life.
357
00:22:20,930 --> 00:22:22,030
Just like old Bill.
358
00:22:22,450 --> 00:22:23,500
You're a born cowboy.
359
00:22:25,310 --> 00:22:27,110
So did he make a living?
360
00:22:28,090 --> 00:22:31,700
There's more gold in my grandmother's
teeth than there is in that river.
361
00:22:31,730 --> 00:22:32,780
Why?
362
00:22:32,781 --> 00:22:36,349
There's worse things to do with your
retirement.
363
00:22:36,350 --> 00:22:37,400
You retired?
364
00:22:37,830 --> 00:22:39,870
Sort of. I left England in a bit of a
hurry.
365
00:22:42,610 --> 00:22:44,930
Don't you have any family back in
England?
366
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,870
Truth is, Jack, I came out here because
I wanted to get away.
367
00:22:50,460 --> 00:22:51,510
Understood, Frank.
368
00:22:52,780 --> 00:22:55,400
You know, Bison Breath's a small town.
369
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:57,640
Want me to look out for strangers?
370
00:22:58,460 --> 00:23:01,240
I don't think anyone will manage to
track me down here.
371
00:23:01,311 --> 00:23:03,259
More coffee?
372
00:23:03,260 --> 00:23:04,310
Yes, sir.
373
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:10,330
Two teas.
374
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:11,490
Oh.
375
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,580
My sweet colonial prairie flower.
376
00:23:16,970 --> 00:23:18,550
This sure reminds me of home.
377
00:23:18,810 --> 00:23:22,360
Those long summer afternoons on the
croaky lawn back at Mama's castle.
378
00:23:24,970 --> 00:23:29,730
It sticks out a bit, Mama's castle in
the middle of a great big council
379
00:23:31,550 --> 00:23:33,210
Let me see.
380
00:23:34,810 --> 00:23:36,470
Oh, poor thing.
381
00:23:37,710 --> 00:23:39,650
OK, so he got stung by a wasp.
382
00:23:41,870 --> 00:23:43,490
He gets these allergies, you see.
383
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:47,000
He's allergic to daft things like
kettles.
384
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,010
Rabbits.
385
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:52,330
Scuttling.
386
00:23:52,820 --> 00:23:54,320
He's no good trying to help you.
387
00:23:54,340 --> 00:23:56,320
He's probably allergic to your perfume.
388
00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,750
No, honestly, you're supposed to wear
special gloves when you touch him.
389
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,720
You know that thing old women get?
390
00:24:05,460 --> 00:24:07,760
Thin bones, not enough milk during the
war.
391
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:10,930
Osteoparenthesis.
392
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,430
He's like a member of the Russian royal
family.
393
00:24:14,780 --> 00:24:16,180
Sheds his skin like a snake.
394
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:19,340
Hornets around here are real bad.
395
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:21,020
Sure, they look pretty.
396
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:24,580
But they've got that nasty sting in
their tail.
397
00:24:44,979 --> 00:24:46,260
Edsel, that's real beer.
398
00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:47,750
Oh, yeah.
399
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,730
That's Jack's beer. Nobody else can
touch it. Hey, Maisie!
400
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:51,890
Jack here!
401
00:24:53,220 --> 00:24:59,339
Edsel, Eddie Baby, this rattlesnake
Jack, does he as a rule actually drink
402
00:24:59,340 --> 00:25:03,159
beer or does it tend to evaporate over a
period of weeks? Oh, he drinks it all
403
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:04,210
right.
404
00:25:05,060 --> 00:25:09,900
By your demeanour, are we to imagine
that he hasn't made his entrance yet?
405
00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:12,040
Oh, yeah, he's still tying up his horse.
406
00:25:13,909 --> 00:25:16,650
And so, Wes wants a word. What?
407
00:25:16,930 --> 00:25:19,110
What? But, Jack! Oh, Wes!
408
00:25:21,210 --> 00:25:23,110
Don't put your nose cream in the end.
409
00:25:23,990 --> 00:25:27,090
Bullets is real! Yeah, just as you like
it, nice and cold.
410
00:25:28,150 --> 00:25:29,200
Howdy, stranger.
411
00:25:30,150 --> 00:25:31,200
Amazing!
412
00:25:31,201 --> 00:25:31,889
Hey, Jack!
413
00:25:31,890 --> 00:25:32,940
Hey,
414
00:25:33,330 --> 00:25:34,930
Jack, here's your rent.
415
00:25:36,510 --> 00:25:38,950
Yeah, Jack's daddy owns the saloon.
416
00:25:39,430 --> 00:25:41,420
Owns the whole town, as a matter of
fact.
417
00:25:41,510 --> 00:25:42,560
I think that's all.
418
00:25:42,830 --> 00:25:44,820
Hey, I think Davy wants to be here.
Davy?
419
00:25:44,890 --> 00:25:47,780
He hasn't been the same since the
whorehouse burned down.
420
00:25:48,050 --> 00:25:51,330
It might be safe, Jack. What a wonderful
town you have here.
421
00:25:52,150 --> 00:25:55,990
Yes, it's just like Nuneaton after a
direct hit from a cruise missile.
422
00:25:57,610 --> 00:25:59,230
What brings you fellas out here?
423
00:25:59,270 --> 00:26:01,930
We're looking for a bloke called Frank
Cotton.
424
00:26:02,430 --> 00:26:03,930
His brother lives around here.
425
00:26:04,130 --> 00:26:05,390
You mean old Bill Cotton?
426
00:26:05,990 --> 00:26:09,230
Sure. Yeah, he lives about two miles
from here by the Spray River.
427
00:26:09,551 --> 00:26:13,819
I'm glad you talked to him. He's
collecting my rent.
428
00:26:13,820 --> 00:26:15,320
But, Jack, that's impossible.
429
00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:16,410
Bill... He's fine.
430
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:17,690
Just fine.
431
00:26:18,860 --> 00:26:20,360
Didn't see no brother, though.
432
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:22,410
Just old Bill.
433
00:26:23,180 --> 00:26:24,230
All alone.
434
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:28,820
Hey, why don't you guys go out? See him.
Sure, he'd like some company.
435
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:30,760
Well, Maisie, I gotta go.
436
00:26:48,780 --> 00:26:50,280
I'd really use a sink back here.
437
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,180
Frank, you've got trouble.
438
00:27:08,420 --> 00:27:09,820
Trouble? Two guys.
439
00:27:10,020 --> 00:27:14,039
One about this high. Real pain in the
ass. Now they're thin. Looks like a
440
00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:16,900
ferret. Has this really strange accent.
441
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:18,490
I don't believe it.
442
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:20,300
Have they gone mad?
443
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:23,450
Listen, Frank. They've sent Briggs and
Louie. It's okay.
444
00:27:24,900 --> 00:27:25,950
I got an idea.
445
00:27:28,380 --> 00:27:29,430
Hey!
446
00:27:29,700 --> 00:27:30,750
Hey!
447
00:27:33,660 --> 00:27:38,620
Hello. I'm D .C. Briggs. This is D .C.
Louie. You must be... Bill!
448
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:40,090
Bill Cullen.
449
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:42,130
Old Bill.
450
00:27:43,060 --> 00:27:44,110
You're Old Bill.
451
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:45,860
And we're Old Bill.
452
00:27:48,940 --> 00:27:49,990
OK.
453
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:51,210
So where is he?
454
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:52,530
Who?
455
00:27:52,900 --> 00:27:54,180
You know who we're after.
456
00:27:54,700 --> 00:27:55,750
Your brother, Frank.
457
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:57,090
I don't know.
458
00:27:57,260 --> 00:27:59,480
Is he here? You sure?
459
00:27:59,820 --> 00:28:03,980
Yep. Anything you say may be taken down
and used in evidence against you.
460
00:28:04,180 --> 00:28:05,230
Well, I don't know.
461
00:28:06,300 --> 00:28:10,379
If he
462
00:28:10,380 --> 00:28:17,219
is here, you'd be doing him a favour by
telling
463
00:28:17,220 --> 00:28:18,270
us.
464
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:22,620
We realise Frank has had his problems,
but he won't solve them by running away.
465
00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:26,390
You see, Bill, your brother has been
through the mill a bit lately.
466
00:28:27,020 --> 00:28:32,139
He doesn't know this, but his wife's
been having an affair with a senior meat
467
00:28:32,140 --> 00:28:34,860
buyer from the local Sainsbury's for
about a year now.
468
00:28:35,420 --> 00:28:36,540
Poor old super.
469
00:28:36,541 --> 00:28:40,599
Thought he was getting best knuckle end
every Sunday because his wife won the in
470
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:41,650
-store raffle.
471
00:28:42,100 --> 00:28:44,780
But no, it was meat for treats.
472
00:28:45,900 --> 00:28:47,740
He can't blame her, apparently.
473
00:28:47,741 --> 00:28:51,279
According to the canteen gossip for the
last couple of years, he hasn't been
474
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:53,860
able to, um... You know.
475
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:58,160
And to cap it all, he now blames himself
for killing an unarmed man.
476
00:28:58,780 --> 00:28:59,830
With good reason.
477
00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:03,720
So if you see him... We'll be in town.
478
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:07,320
Oh, and don't mention his dog, Bluey,
whatever you do.
479
00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:09,380
He loves that dog.
480
00:29:09,820 --> 00:29:12,500
When Frank left, it died of a broken
heart.
481
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:15,210
Send him to us.
482
00:29:15,980 --> 00:29:17,030
We'll look after him.
483
00:29:18,990 --> 00:29:20,040
We're here to help.
484
00:29:29,150 --> 00:29:33,150
Well, if he isn't here, where the hell
is he?
485
00:29:33,510 --> 00:29:36,410
500 quid down the swanee. We had 500
pounds on this.
486
00:29:36,630 --> 00:29:38,230
We'll keep it to ourselves.
487
00:29:39,730 --> 00:29:41,630
At least until we've got a bit of a tan.
488
00:29:42,690 --> 00:29:44,650
He was a funny bloke, Bill, wasn't he?
489
00:29:44,651 --> 00:29:48,619
Hardly surprising, living out here for
30 years with nobody to talk to except
490
00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:50,840
Edsel and the odd curious elk.
491
00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:53,400
He didn't say a lot, did he?
492
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:56,360
Probably forgotten how to talk.
493
00:29:57,440 --> 00:29:58,490
White Tarzan.
494
00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:01,400
He hasn't even got Jane, has he?
495
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:04,080
He hasn't even got that chimp.
496
00:30:05,300 --> 00:30:06,350
What was he called?
497
00:30:06,700 --> 00:30:07,750
Cheetah.
498
00:30:08,260 --> 00:30:09,360
No, that was Daktari.
499
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,080
I wonder what he does for sex.
500
00:30:15,850 --> 00:30:16,900
Same as us, I suppose.
501
00:30:17,090 --> 00:30:20,330
Non -stop, one in her bed, sex romps
with imaginary spice.
502
00:30:23,430 --> 00:30:28,670
Mind you, according to that, he's been
dead since 1995, so who cares?
503
00:30:33,550 --> 00:30:34,600
According to what?
504
00:30:36,290 --> 00:30:38,090
According to that thing on his grave.
505
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:50,399
Pathetic disguise fooled us. I knew it
was you. I recognised the smell of your
506
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:54,719
hair restorer. Eh? Eh? It penetrated
through your beaver musk. All right, all
507
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:56,280
right, so you found me. Now what?
508
00:30:57,100 --> 00:30:59,210
Look, I'm not going back on this, are
you?
509
00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:00,800
What are you going to do, sir?
510
00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:03,770
I'm going to prospect for gold like
Billy did.
511
00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:07,690
Something I've always wanted to do.
Something I've always dreamed of.
512
00:31:08,060 --> 00:31:12,379
But, sir, your brother did that for 30
years and he couldn't even afford a baby
513
00:31:12,380 --> 00:31:15,320
Belling. I like cooking over an open
fire.
514
00:31:15,740 --> 00:31:16,880
It's all part of the fun.
515
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:21,840
But what are you cooking, sir?
516
00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:23,090
I'm starving.
517
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:25,650
Fish.
518
00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:27,980
Caught it myself this morning.
519
00:31:32,820 --> 00:31:36,310
Well, what we don't eat we can always
take away in a doggy bag, eh, Bob?
520
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:37,860
And that's another thing.
521
00:31:37,940 --> 00:31:39,990
I'll have a much healthier diet out
here.
522
00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:43,340
That free meat on Sundays was making me
fat.
523
00:31:43,341 --> 00:31:47,869
Tucking my trousers in all places at all
times before I left.
524
00:31:47,870 --> 00:31:52,129
Talking about touching trousers, sir,
I'm sorry about letting on about the
525
00:31:52,130 --> 00:31:54,300
from Sainsbury's. Oh, I've known for
years.
526
00:31:55,310 --> 00:31:59,169
You don't get routinely waved into the
eight items or less queue with a full
527
00:31:59,170 --> 00:32:02,450
trolley unless your wife's having an
affair. Remember that.
528
00:32:05,610 --> 00:32:06,660
Yes, sir.
529
00:32:07,110 --> 00:32:11,189
I'm sure she's worried about you, sir.
The only thing she's worried about is my
530
00:32:11,190 --> 00:32:12,240
insurance policy.
531
00:32:12,270 --> 00:32:13,320
Well, what about us?
532
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:17,919
We're worried about you. The whole
division is. I've never known the bloke
533
00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:20,810
anxious to find out who's won, find out
where somebody is.
534
00:32:20,811 --> 00:32:22,659
And then there's the commissioner.
535
00:32:22,660 --> 00:32:27,139
He asked us personally to... The
commissioner is only worried about the
536
00:32:27,140 --> 00:32:29,670
reputation of the force. He's not
worried about me.
537
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:32,740
Nobody worries about me.
538
00:32:37,060 --> 00:32:40,560
Sir, your stickleback's on fire.
539
00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:49,170
OK. OK.
540
00:32:49,860 --> 00:32:51,700
I see a man in pain.
541
00:32:52,620 --> 00:32:54,920
I see a man adrift in the wilderness.
542
00:32:55,980 --> 00:33:00,839
I see a man impotent in the face of the
Grim Reaper. What? Have you met his
543
00:33:00,840 --> 00:33:01,890
wife?
544
00:33:02,860 --> 00:33:07,280
You see, Bob, the super's problem has
got nothing to do with shooting cons.
545
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:09,860
It's about manhood.
546
00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:11,620
It's about his age.
547
00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:16,360
Think of your body as a map of Britain.
548
00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:21,920
Your chest is Chester, your bum is
Broadstairs, and your head is the
549
00:33:23,580 --> 00:33:26,170
Or in your case, more particularly, the
Isle of Egg.
550
00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:29,920
You can't even get a drink of pig in
water in this town.
551
00:33:30,460 --> 00:33:36,360
As a young man at the height of your
passion, your manhood points at Preston.
552
00:33:36,820 --> 00:33:38,980
As time passes, it points at Prestatyn.
553
00:33:38,981 --> 00:33:42,219
In middle age, it's Aberystwyth, if
you're lucky.
554
00:33:42,220 --> 00:33:43,600
Swansea, if you like a drink.
555
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:45,330
Good job.
556
00:33:45,470 --> 00:33:51,149
In later years, when you're fully
aroused and you find Percy pointing at
557
00:33:51,150 --> 00:33:57,070
Portsmouth... Well, you can pump it all
you want. It still won't come.
558
00:34:14,989 --> 00:34:16,039
Not good.
559
00:34:16,330 --> 00:34:17,530
They found Bill's grave.
560
00:34:17,929 --> 00:34:18,979
That's too bad.
561
00:34:19,610 --> 00:34:20,690
People stick around?
562
00:34:20,870 --> 00:34:21,920
Of course they will.
563
00:34:22,090 --> 00:34:23,140
They're on holiday.
564
00:34:23,590 --> 00:34:24,790
And they're on expenses.
565
00:34:25,370 --> 00:34:30,110
Frank, your brother, well, he was like a
father to me.
566
00:34:30,510 --> 00:34:34,909
And any brother of the guy who's pretty
much my father is my brother.
567
00:34:36,210 --> 00:34:39,369
Wouldn't that make me your uncle?
568
00:34:39,370 --> 00:34:42,510
What I'm saying is that you want those
guys to run out of town.
569
00:34:42,909 --> 00:34:44,289
I don't want any rough stuff.
570
00:34:44,489 --> 00:34:45,539
It's up to you.
571
00:34:47,030 --> 00:34:49,560
What I mean is they're both pathological
cowards.
572
00:34:50,110 --> 00:34:51,670
Just a threat might do the trick.
573
00:34:55,370 --> 00:34:56,510
It's a long shot, Bob.
574
00:34:57,110 --> 00:34:59,850
But it's our last chance. This place
must sell beer.
575
00:35:12,430 --> 00:35:16,160
The owner of the Last Chance Saloon is
also the owner of the No Chance Offer.
576
00:35:16,810 --> 00:35:18,350
What can I do for you fellas?
577
00:35:18,610 --> 00:35:22,389
We'd like 12 cans of lager, please,
preferably with a widget and photos of
578
00:35:22,390 --> 00:35:23,470
in bikinis on the side.
579
00:35:23,650 --> 00:35:27,650
Hey, want to try some Bison Creek
moonshine?
580
00:35:29,030 --> 00:35:30,310
Moonshine? Yeah.
581
00:35:31,450 --> 00:35:32,500
You want some?
582
00:35:33,710 --> 00:35:36,090
Is it strong?
583
00:35:37,910 --> 00:35:38,960
Try it.
584
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:45,840
Do you make this yourself?
585
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:47,930
Don't make it.
586
00:35:49,020 --> 00:35:50,440
Falls from the sky.
587
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:56,240
What? You mean rainwater?
588
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,560
Yeah. That's 21 years old.
589
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:04,260
Hey, I got some melted snow out back if
you want some.
590
00:36:04,471 --> 00:36:08,599
And that's when I'll come in.
Understand?
591
00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:09,650
Yeah, I understand.
592
00:36:22,670 --> 00:36:25,110
Mr Rattlesnake, could we have a word?
593
00:36:27,150 --> 00:36:28,200
I'm listening.
594
00:36:28,390 --> 00:36:32,030
Well, we haven't been having much luck
on the alcohol front lately.
595
00:36:32,910 --> 00:36:37,330
Our holiday is turning into a sort of
mythological quest for beer.
596
00:36:38,590 --> 00:36:43,489
And, well, you know your special
supplier beer behind the bar that no
597
00:36:43,490 --> 00:36:44,540
touch except you?
598
00:36:44,541 --> 00:36:48,029
And seeing as how we're visitors to this
wonderful country of yours... And we
599
00:36:48,030 --> 00:36:50,380
all live in the Commonwealth and share a
queen.
600
00:36:52,300 --> 00:36:55,540
Maybe. Give the boys a couple of beer.
601
00:36:56,900 --> 00:36:57,950
Brilliant.
602
00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:02,440
Now, I thought we are getting someone.
603
00:37:03,340 --> 00:37:07,400
Dave, you don't think we've got a drink
problem, do you?
604
00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:11,410
Not anymore.
605
00:37:12,100 --> 00:37:18,159
Cheers. If you want anything else,
stranger, I mean
606
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:21,660
anything, you'll have.
607
00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:32,590
After we've had a couple of beers, we
could go for a walk up the mountain.
608
00:37:33,380 --> 00:37:34,430
Might see a moose.
609
00:37:37,700 --> 00:37:41,740
Or we could go pony trekking or
something.
610
00:37:42,380 --> 00:37:48,900
The scenery round here is simply...
Breathtaking.
611
00:37:50,220 --> 00:37:52,000
Stop doing that.
612
00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:55,740
Sorry? You're making a fool of yourself.
613
00:37:57,800 --> 00:37:59,180
Well, she started it.
614
00:38:15,020 --> 00:38:16,500
You stop it now.
615
00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:18,100
I'm not doing anything.
616
00:38:21,500 --> 00:38:22,940
Oh, my God, she's coming over.
617
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:32,800
pocket, or are you just pleased to see
me?
618
00:38:35,160 --> 00:38:36,210
No.
619
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:38,000
Actually, it's my inhaler.
620
00:38:40,720 --> 00:38:42,240
I'm allergic to tree pollen.
621
00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:44,020
I told you he was a freak.
622
00:39:09,230 --> 00:39:11,210
Two friends. Now, hang on a minute.
623
00:39:12,850 --> 00:39:15,590
Hey, who are you shoving? I'm shoving
you.
624
00:39:16,910 --> 00:39:20,040
Jack, remember the last time you got all
fired up and jealous?
625
00:39:20,170 --> 00:39:23,010
Remember those two guys from this job?
Sure, I remember.
626
00:39:23,350 --> 00:39:25,350
They died with their boots off.
627
00:39:25,990 --> 00:39:29,170
Any man who messes with my maze, he has
to answer to me.
628
00:39:30,410 --> 00:39:31,570
Oh, you guys.
629
00:39:32,490 --> 00:39:35,910
I want you two out of my town by sunset.
630
00:39:36,530 --> 00:39:37,580
Either that.
631
00:39:38,410 --> 00:39:41,570
Meet me in Main Street, high noon
tomorrow.
632
00:39:42,650 --> 00:39:44,070
Bring your shooting eyes.
633
00:39:44,450 --> 00:39:46,970
Oh, that'd make my day.
634
00:39:49,810 --> 00:39:51,010
Look at the images.
635
00:39:51,230 --> 00:39:53,570
Look at the images of manhood.
636
00:39:54,350 --> 00:39:56,790
I see you two, your manhood challenged.
637
00:39:57,650 --> 00:40:01,370
Fighting primeval urges to kill, wound,
conquer.
638
00:40:02,370 --> 00:40:05,950
I see a cowboy in smooth leather chaps.
639
00:40:06,570 --> 00:40:10,550
Skin. Thunder, hard, oiled.
640
00:40:10,850 --> 00:40:15,210
Sorry. So what did you do? Did you rise
to this challenge to your manhood?
641
00:40:16,030 --> 00:40:18,810
No, we ran off to find the super.
642
00:40:19,830 --> 00:40:21,890
This is definitely his horse.
643
00:40:22,150 --> 00:40:24,440
What's Rattlesnake Jack doing with a
super?
644
00:40:34,311 --> 00:40:39,499
How do you think they've gone? Oh, they
would stick around.
645
00:40:39,500 --> 00:40:41,000
Well, here's to you and Maisie.
646
00:40:41,460 --> 00:40:43,930
Sounds like they've put on quite an act
out there.
647
00:40:51,460 --> 00:40:52,510
The super.
648
00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:54,980
The little Quisling.
649
00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:58,310
I think revenge is called for, don't
you, Bob?
650
00:40:58,340 --> 00:40:59,390
Yes.
651
00:40:59,580 --> 00:41:03,680
Let's make some funny noise. Let's
pretend to be bears. That'll get him
652
00:41:04,020 --> 00:41:05,820
Yeah, that's a good plan, Bob.
653
00:41:06,710 --> 00:41:09,530
But revenge is a dish best served old,
isn't it?
654
00:41:10,490 --> 00:41:16,430
Good night, Frank.
655
00:41:16,950 --> 00:41:18,090
See you soon, Jack.
656
00:41:18,590 --> 00:41:19,640
And thanks.
657
00:41:21,070 --> 00:41:22,170
My pleasure.
658
00:41:24,110 --> 00:41:25,570
Our plan was simple.
659
00:41:25,810 --> 00:41:29,630
We waited until sunrise when the super
went panning for gold.
660
00:41:29,890 --> 00:41:33,320
Then we got into the shack and rummaged
through old Bill's wardrobe.
661
00:41:33,450 --> 00:41:38,450
The minute Frank set eyes on us, he knew
we planned to turn a fire on him.
662
00:41:39,150 --> 00:41:40,510
That'll snake the act.
663
00:41:42,701 --> 00:41:50,109
Hope you don't mind, sir, but we've
borrowed some of your brother's clothes.
664
00:41:50,110 --> 00:41:51,160
And his guns.
665
00:41:51,690 --> 00:41:54,170
Lads. Lads, this is ridiculous.
666
00:41:54,850 --> 00:41:56,110
Our minds are made up, sir.
667
00:41:56,990 --> 00:42:00,420
We're not leaving here until you agree
to come back to London with us.
668
00:42:00,570 --> 00:42:03,390
Either that or we leave this town in a
pawn box.
669
00:42:05,230 --> 00:42:08,390
Thanks. Louis, you're a coward.
670
00:42:09,830 --> 00:42:13,450
Where I come from, that's fat and tall.
671
00:42:13,830 --> 00:42:15,450
You come from Cheadle.
672
00:42:17,250 --> 00:42:18,870
Look, maybe the sun's got to you.
673
00:42:20,030 --> 00:42:21,450
You can't do this.
674
00:42:21,750 --> 00:42:23,490
Look, sir, we're doing this for you.
675
00:42:23,890 --> 00:42:26,540
We're doing this because the Met always
gets its man.
676
00:42:27,990 --> 00:42:29,040
And anyway...
677
00:42:30,120 --> 00:42:31,740
We want you back where you belong.
678
00:43:20,420 --> 00:43:21,840
Rattlesnake Jack!
679
00:43:22,460 --> 00:43:24,080
You never...
680
00:43:31,050 --> 00:43:32,100
It's noon, Jack.
681
00:43:33,390 --> 00:43:34,440
We're waiting.
682
00:43:36,910 --> 00:43:40,550
What the... Come on down, Jack.
683
00:43:42,830 --> 00:43:45,370
Reckon it's a good day to die.
684
00:43:48,590 --> 00:43:50,230
What the hell are you guys doing?
685
00:43:51,850 --> 00:43:53,910
I'm the Manchester Mongoose.
686
00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:02,100
And I'm the solely old secretary bird.
687
00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:09,780
The secretary bird, it's a big bird in
Africa.
688
00:44:10,540 --> 00:44:12,740
It eats snakes as well.
689
00:44:13,180 --> 00:44:15,260
I saw it on the television.
690
00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:21,580
Look, guys, I think we have a sort of
misunderstanding here.
691
00:44:21,581 --> 00:44:23,819
What the hell do they think they're
doing?
692
00:44:23,820 --> 00:44:24,870
They mean it.
693
00:44:27,020 --> 00:44:28,500
Go! Go ahead, Jack.
694
00:44:29,740 --> 00:44:31,120
Make your play.
695
00:44:31,460 --> 00:44:34,280
Now, guys, come on. This has gone far
enough.
696
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:36,840
Stay out of this, little lady.
697
00:44:37,700 --> 00:44:40,780
Look, guys, we can talk about this.
698
00:44:41,700 --> 00:44:46,660
Say, Bob, I reckon this guy is yellow.
699
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:50,320
I reckon he's a greenhorn.
700
00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:53,300
He's a yellow greenhorn.
701
00:44:53,540 --> 00:44:54,590
I ain't yellow.
702
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:56,210
Oh!
703
00:44:58,860 --> 00:45:02,520
I can call him whom a yellow greenhorn
has made him see red.
704
00:45:06,600 --> 00:45:08,160
Colourful critter, ain't he?
705
00:45:08,500 --> 00:45:11,500
I don't have a gun.
706
00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:15,120
So you give in, then?
707
00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:21,140
Yeah, I give in.
708
00:45:21,500 --> 00:45:23,300
You admit you're a coward and we win?
709
00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:29,239
Yeah. You admit that Canada are crap at
soccer and that... Basically, you're
710
00:45:29,240 --> 00:45:32,300
just big, girly Americans with a silly
twig on your flag.
711
00:45:34,740 --> 00:45:35,900
Here you go, Jack.
712
00:45:39,980 --> 00:45:41,220
Little bullet hole.
713
00:46:10,510 --> 00:46:13,990
One of us runs off, and the other
apologises.
714
00:46:16,190 --> 00:46:17,240
Which one?
715
00:46:19,150 --> 00:46:21,270
One, two, three, scissors!
716
00:46:23,430 --> 00:46:24,480
Thanks, Louie.
717
00:46:25,290 --> 00:46:26,910
Put down those scissors.
718
00:46:31,030 --> 00:46:32,080
I've decided.
719
00:46:32,870 --> 00:46:36,549
If you two were prepared to risk your
lives for me, maybe there really is
720
00:46:36,550 --> 00:46:38,110
something worth going home for.
721
00:46:57,339 --> 00:46:59,900
It must have been hell for you out
there.
722
00:47:01,180 --> 00:47:05,439
It must have hurt you two a lot to see a
man you'd always looked up to humbled
723
00:47:05,440 --> 00:47:06,490
like that.
724
00:47:06,700 --> 00:47:08,040
Yes! Yes!
725
00:47:08,041 --> 00:47:10,819
No wonder you both applied for early
retirement.
726
00:47:10,820 --> 00:47:11,870
You got any plans?
727
00:47:12,200 --> 00:47:13,250
Oh.
728
00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:15,450
Usual.
729
00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:17,780
Retired coppers, no real qualifications.
730
00:47:18,540 --> 00:47:21,940
We found a little pub. It's in the
middle of nowhere.
731
00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:24,010
Sure, sure.
732
00:47:24,490 --> 00:47:28,289
Yeah, the old man's retiring, the
daughter's getting married. It's a bit
733
00:47:28,290 --> 00:47:29,340
at the moment.
734
00:47:29,670 --> 00:47:35,530
A bit of imagination could turn out to
be a little goldmine.
735
00:47:35,580 --> 00:47:40,130
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