Original subtitles

Okay, my fine fellow, my greasy little eel.

My slippery, slidy spermatozoa.

I think we've finally got you.

Bound to rest.

And this time, we don't care how fancy your briefs are.

We've caught you with your trousers down.

Let's get out of this and show it.

Okay.

Sir, this just came in from the commissioner.

What?! Time to turn canary.

Time to talk turkey.

Talk turkey, turn canary, or you'll be doing bird.

We found it in your personal belongings.

A message from Mr Bick. Oh, you're good. You're very good. But you're not good

enough, are you?

I don't know what you two are talking about.

OK, Bob.

Turn the tapering on.

So, Mr Roberts, I have here in my hand a piece of paper.

What is that?

This is a piece of paper we found in the inside pocket of your jacket.

Can you confirm that this is your handwriting?

Looks like it, yes.

Yes.

Who's Len?

Len? Yes, Len.

Also known as Mr. Big.

Probably.

He doesn't know any Len.

You don't know anybody called Len.

But you do know somebody called...

May the record show herewith that the suspect's eyes flickered suspiciously as

if to say, damn, they've got me, the clever bastards.

I've got a bit of grit in me eye.

Grit in my eye, my eye.

I don't know what you two are on about.

We're talking about Len's cleaner, who you were instructed to contact.

Sir?

Sir?

What shall I put?

OK, OK.

A memo to all D Division officers. As of Wednesday, we shall be instituting

another job swap scheme.

By orders of the Commissioner.

The Pratt.

One to your two.

It's all here in black and white.

In your own handwriting.

Contact lens cleaner.

You've been given an instruction to contact lens cleaner. Now, who's lens

cleaner and why have you got a contact lens cleaner?

At this point, suspect smiles, obviously aware he's been

outwitted.

It's a shopping list.

What?

Oh, we're lenses. When you picked me up, I was on my way to the chemist to buy

some contact lens cleaner.

Contact lens cleaner.

Lens cleaner?

It's got more balls.

Toothpaste.

The Commissioner has expressed concern about the way our division is operating.

For a start, it's a question of punctuality.

Sorry we're late, sir.

We're interviewing a such bet.

And there is also the problem of communication.

The commissioner thinks we're not talking to each other enough.

How's Len's cleaner?

Who told you about that?

I hear you got him by the cotton wool balls.

Will you three stop talking to each other?

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes.

We're not talking to each other enough.

The Commissioner has also expressed concern about a general lack

of...

Forward planner.

Forward planner.

Now, the upshot of this is the Commissioner wants to institute another

job swap schemes.

Oh, not again.

Interdivisional fertilisation.

The only fertilisation that happened last time was when Hawkeye nearly got

rogered by the Alsatian who needed him.

I've heard that. The old division heard it.

We all learned to knock last time.

The dog certainly did.

Please, sir, could I be a police officer?

You haven't got the brain.

Sir, can I swap with DC Hopkins?

Why Hopkins?

He's on his honeymoon.

Surely they only give you things you know something about, Briggs.

Assignments have been randomly selected.

Now, look at it this way.

A change is as good as a rest.

How am I supposed to rest on the back of a 1 ,000cc motorbike?

River, please.

I can't swim.

That's why they give you a boat, Louis.

As branch representative of the Police Federation, I hereby declare on behalf

us all, brothers and sisters alike, that we hereby lodge a formal objection to

this ludicrous job swap scheme.

Furthermore, notwithstanding, I personally state that there is no way on

earth I am spending two weeks floating up and down the Thames like a sexually

confused salmon.

Shout aye.

Aye.

Aye, aye, shipmates.

You must be Briggs and Louis.

We've made a list.

A list of things we won't do.

One, get wet.

Two, handle dead bodies.

Three, pull any soggy ropes.

Four, wear bell -bottoms. Four, aye, get tattooed.

Five... Stay on board overnight and become strangely attractive to the

engine, Stoker.

And six, do any work of any kind whatsoever.

All right?

Seabourn Charlie, Seabourn Charlie, 095, ready to commence patrol.

Over. OK, guys, I'm just going to shove off.

Who's going to drive the boat?

No, no, no. I'm just going to untie the painter.

What painter?

You've tied up a painter?

He does strange things to people. No, no, no. The painter is the rope that

secures the boat.

You'll get used to these nautical turds.

Number seven.

No stupid made -up words.

I think we may have stumbled across a little can of worms here. How do you

The last crime this lot logged was a speeding ticket for the Spanish Armada.

I do less work than we do.

December the 12th.

Juvenile arrested for out -of -season trout tickling.

This is a crime of the body armour and seen as just.

OK, chaps, let's get out there and make this river safer.

Trout that hate being tickled.

I imagine there was a bit of resistance to having outsiders joining your cosy

little... Oh, no, no, no, not at all. I think it's a really good idea.

That's the siren. Yes.

The switch is a bit... You use it a lot, do you?

Yeah, quite a lot.

Crowd trouble at the boat race.

Emergency pizza delivery.

Yeah. A little can of worms.

Yeah. And we can use those worms to go fishing.

Fishing? Yeah, fishing.

The truth.

Yeah. The truth.

An elusive fish, the truth.

Oh, yeah. Like a very big, experienced bream.

Wily old bream.

Treading water in sleepy old father terrors.

So, Mr Breen, the lads of D Division have got their tackle out.

We're wetting our flies, just waiting for the pull on our rods.

Aren't we, guys?

Yeah.

So, come on, fellow fishermen.

Let's open the keep nets of justice.

What are you two on about?

Olden nautical term.

Swinging the lead.

Put

the

wind up in.

Thank you, Mr.

Commissioner.

By some quirk of fate, we have come across an even bigger unnecessary drain

the public purse than Radio 3.

Two weeks to it, absolutely chuffed.

I could get a tan fit in it. I'm going to bring my trunks tomorrow.

You know, Gordon, when you think about it logically, it's obvious.

What do the river bullies actually do?

Well, there's no banks, there's no bank rates. No muggings?

No car chases.

Very few gun -toting crack cocaine dealers operate underwater.

It's just dead bodies out at the river, I suppose, but... You don't need police

for that. You get the co -op to do it.

This is the life.

Guys!

Guys! Yes?

We've got a medical emergency at Deptford Creek. Urgent assistance

We've got to shout!

Well, now, Bryant, what are we going to put in the log?

Come on.

Let me dictate.

Three highly trained police officers in a £35 ,000 motor launch race ashore to

give medical assistance to a heron.

With indigestion.

I can swallow some taco.

It was a stickleback. We have the responsibility to the flora and the

the waterway as well as to the people.

Oh!

A large part of our job is maintaining the ecological balance of the... What's

the use?

God knows this isn't why I joined the force.

I came down here for action.

Do you?

I tried to keep myself busy.

You know, looking out for smugglers or...

Stolen boats or anything, really?

Sort of, mate.

Oh, it's not your fault. To be honest with you, you know that rumble with the

trout tickler?

I made that up.

It almost sounded totally sad and pathetic and stupid to two real coppers

yourself. I mean, you're out on the streets, helping the community, taking

fear out of people's lives.

I envy you.

I really do.

I just wish that this job swap scheme was permanent and I could change places

with it.

Hmm.

Fat chance of that, I suppose.

I mean, what would you two want with a posting where all you do is just paddle

up and down the river looking at the scenery?

We could run excursions for tourists.

Stop at all the pubs.

Yeah, we could stick the siren on and then charge water skis to look up to us.

Why not?

There's salmon in the Thames now.

Tins of salmon.

Still in the shopping trough.

The opportunities are endless.

We could nip across to France.

Cheap booze.

Any kind to get in the way.

A new life.

You're right.

You know, we're like two emperor penguins on dry land. We look stupid,

down here we're coming to our own. We just have to go ashore to mate and then

sit on our eggs.

Damn it to hell, Bob, you're right.

I see before me clear, open water.

And this time, nothing's.

going to stand in our way.

Bryant! Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.

Sorry I got so... Sorry, sorry.

Look, there's no problem.

I think we can help you out. We've got this brilliant idea.

Yeah. We've been in the force a long time, and, well, we've made a few

But you, you're young, you're keen, you're ambitious, you're...

You've still got complete control of your bladder?

Not you as well.

So? Well, it's like this.

What the hell was that?

If he has screwed up our future, I will kill him.

Oh, brilliant.

What's brilliant?

Well, this, if I'm not mistaken, is a Second World War sea mine.

Absolutely positive.

Oh, no, I'm afraid not. The mine's mooring chain's caught tight around the

propeller. We'll never shift it.

Yeah.

Excuse me. One moment, sir. What?

When you say mine, that word conjures up images, does it not,

of explosions.

Yeah.

I don't know yet, actually.

What he's trying to say is it's not like a real proper, like, you know...

More than nothing.

Well, that's what I'm trying to find out. The 33rd type. Well, I couldn't

actually see any markings, but I'll check.

But, uh, in the meantime, it's, um... It's blue alert.

Right.

Over and out.

What do I mean?

It's blue is better than red, isn't it?

It must be, mustn't it?

He wants to know if we can see anything.

You what?

Can you see anything?

I can see an S.

He can see an S.

What? He can see an S.

He can see an S.

I can see something else as well.

Careful, Bob.

It's a condom.

DB stroke AA4.

S stroke DB stroke AA4.

Yes.

OK. Can I come up now?

He wants to know if he can come up now.

Oh, I see.

Oh, dear.

Hmm.

Um... They say it might be live and sensitive to sound.

What? Sensitive to sound.

I can't...

under the engine noise, the slightest sound could set it off.

Right.

Bob, apparently there's a... What?

What?

Sir,

it's Bryant. Yeah. You talk, I'll listen.

I want to sneeze.

No, you shouldn't. So you suddenly want to.

It's like laughing when somebody tells you the Grammy's dead.

This is

absolutely typical of you and me. What? Stuck on a boat attached to the world's

most lethal fridge magnet.

It's true.

Kismet.

Just when we were about to start afresh.

Keep it down.

Our ship finally comes in.

And when it does, it's got a bloody great mine attached to it.

I blame you.

I didn't put it there.

You're cursed, you are.

I bet you've got three nipples.

I don't know about that.

I've had no luck ever since we got together.

That first day 25 years ago, our first day on the beat, when you walked under a

ladder and it was me, got bitten by a notter.

A notter.

We were in the West End.

You're getting hysterical.

Now, the basic message is, the mine is safe.

Brilliant!

Probably. Thing is, they can't take any chances while we're in a built -up area,

so they're going to let us drift downstream to Tilbury.

Not me, mate.

I'm going to swim for it.

Dave?

I can't swim.

I am leaving you behind, Jonas Three Nipples.

You'll drown for sure. The currents here are deadly.

But what happens when we reach Tilbury?

Well, apparently two watermen and a skiff will heave to, belay a painter and

breacher's boy in a vast heart of stone.

And that'll work, will it?

I don't know. I didn't really understand what they were talking about.

Drifting downstream a mile beyond Tower Bridge.

OK, thanks.

Fiona, get me a car and a motorcycle escort. Now! OK, sir.

Marching up. Not with him on board.

Look, I haven't got three nipples.

It was your own fault the otter bit you. You were teasing it.

No. No.

The point is not my response to the appearance of the otter.

It's the fact that an amphibious mammal of any kind should be in Stringfellows

in the first place.

You attract the strange.

The unusual.

Not John May.

I wasn't there when the naked Aborigine parachuted through his sunroof.

How long to Tilbury?

We're on a fairly strong ebb tide, so I'd say about 30 minutes.

Assuming nothing strange and unusual occurs.

Hello, sir.

Hello.

That would be my motorcycle escort.

I didn't know the way, sir, so I thought I'd follow you.

Job swap wasn't my idea, sir.

Oh, they'll be all right. They always are.

This time, I've got a funny feeling deep down.

So have I.

It's these jumpers. Apparently, you're supposed to use turmeric powder.

That man must be dead.

The war's been over for 50 years.

It's like my Aunt Hilda.

She was in the war.

She's dead.

She gave a shock to a few sailors in a time as well.

Well, five minutes to go. Where are we?

Not sure.

Is that Greenwich?

Nah, that's Woolwich. Nah.

That's the Isle of Dogs.

I can see the swastikas on the tops of the flats.

It must be dead. Of course it is.

What's that?

It's coming from out there.

It's not Big Ben, is it?

No.

Actually, they did warn me about this.

What makes me think this isn't going to be good news?

Oh, there is some good news. The ticking means we don't have to worry about

making a noise anymore.

And the bad news?

If you, um, hear ticking... Yeah?

You've got three minutes.

Best get on the old blower.

20 seconds.

They'll never make it.

Hold it. I've got an idea.

Help!

We're going to have to take our chances in the water, but I've only got two of

these. So what?

You're the captain. You're not supposed to go down with the ship.

I can't be captain. I'm just a PC. You're a DC.

The canvas gives you a rush, you know that.

I can't see.

48. Liar. Your birthday's in January.

I know you're lying because on your last birthday there was snow on the ground.

There was not snow.

Yes, there was. I remember it because you came into work and all your socks

all wet and you hung them up on the radiator and all the WTCs complained.

There's the soup.

Now we'll find out who's right. Yes.

Sir! Sir!

Sir! Sir!

Dave was born in January, wasn't he, sir?

No! No, he's wrong, sir.

It's June!