Original subtitles

How red we are.

To the marriage of Paul Morris Farnborough and Hazel Matilda Rudge.

Or should I say D .C. Farnborough and P .C. Rudge.

On the way here this morning, I saw some chaps digging up the road.

And you know, in many ways, men digging up the road is a bit like the story of

St. Peter.

We can't just go barging in like that. We can sneak in and sit at the back. I

can't sit at the back. I'm best man.

Stan, you shouldn't be here at all.

Your place is next to the bridegroom with a hip flask, a set of keys to a

car in case he changes his mind.

Right. We wait for Jerusalem and then we storm in on a wave of patriotic

emotion.

What are you grinning at?

Nothing.

Some of the lads had a sweepstake.

You being best man and all.

Estimated time of arrival.

You put money on me being 15 minutes late.

You did it on purpose.

You weren't trying to fix the car at all. You deliberately held us up.

Not even there.

For your information, I actually bet on you being bang on time. Actually, I had

faith in you. Why did I use my tie as a car thunder?

And why did I try and fix your distribution cap? Tell me, tell me. And

wasn't for my bright idea of phoning Derek from the clamping unit, we'd still

on the arch shoulder.

You mean me being on time?

I had 15 quid on you, pal.

Who won?

15 minutes late, middle of Jerusalem.

No, sir.

We're on.

What's my time?

You're lucky you've got a tie. I left mine dangling on your big end.

And I'm done.

be on time but... The

congregation

may sit.

And if we are all gathered, perhaps I could ask the bride and groom to step

forward.

Jesus Christ!

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, can we have the bride and groom in, nice and close

together, looking straight down the camera at me, looking straight here.

that nice and happy. Come on, that's it.

Great, lovely.

But can we have the best man in as well, please? In you come, sir. Nice and

close. Come on, let's be happy. Here we go.

Lovely.

Farnsley wanted me as his best man, not you.

You've been planning this in your evil little mind for weeks.

It's very good stuff.

This is very childish, you know.

You couldn't stand it, could you?

You couldn't stand the thought that I had been chosen instead of you.

Well, let me tell you something.

Farnsley chose me because he knows that I have got breeding.

He chose me because I know how to behave on special occasions.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Well, if you're so wonderfully sophisticated, why has the

maid of honour got a greasy handprint on her right tit?

That was not my hand! That was your hand! What?

Yes, we'll get Des from forensics. We're going to get some fingerprints.

OK, all right.

Excuse me. Could you tell me where I can find the best man? You're looking at

him, darling.

Get jealous. That's what it is, you know.

Are you still here?

Well, don't ask me. Do I look as if I work here?

He chose me because I know how to deal with people.

Well, you've certainly dealt with the bride's grandmother pretty elegantly.

Is that who that was?

Yes.

Are you sure?

It's going to be a long day, Bob.

Well, it's his own fault.

I mean, he could have asked any of us. I've known Fancy as long as Briggs has.

I mean...

Everybody knows Briggs isn't a best anything.

Whose idea was it to cover Briggs in oil? And who made him late?

I think Briggs managed to cop things up all on his own.

You, do what you can to make sure this wedding goes smoothly.

And that's an order.

Sir. What?

Well, me and the lads were just asking ourselves.

Why did Farnsley choose Briggs in the first place?

Well, that's a long story.

Oh, well, if you can't be bothered to tell us.

You said you wanted our full cooperation, didn't you?

OK.

The fact is, Farnsley didn't choose him.

It was the bride's father who insisted it be Briggs.

Hang on.

I thought Hazel's father was dead. I thought that's why you were giving her

away.

That's what everyone's supposed to think.

Especially Farnsley's mother and father.

He's not dead.

He's inside.

In the nick.

But I want you all to keep this to yourselves, OK?

Sir. Not a word to anyone.

What?

That's them.

And that's the groom's mother.

And she heard me.

Shouldn't the groom's parents be here?

I think she's had a bit of a turn. The heat, you know.

I've just made a terrible faux pas.

I think he got away with it.

Oh, it's you.

Hey, we're on different tables.

Of course we are. I'm the best man.

You? You're a hanger -on. A half -friend.

A new buddy.

I haven't got anybody to talk to.

Oh, chit -chat. Talk about, you know, what you normally talk about over

I could talk about me infertigo. That's come back.

Anyway, as soon as the coffees and brandies are out of the way, we go

to the bar.

Right. I'll see you in the bar. Right.

And best of luck with the speech.

Cheers, mate.

Hello, sir. Have you seen the groom's mother?

I should say so, sir. What a dog.

She could peg out any...

Where's your tie, Louis?

It's in Dave's car, sir.

What's it doing there?

It's sort of flapping round and round in the engine.

Just come in, Louis. Find your name badge on the table. Sit down and say

to anyone, OK?

Right, sir.

What happened to you?

I want to get some of this on it.

Hazel's father was set up.

Oh, they all sang that.

Times years ago, back in the 70s, he was fitted up for an armed robbery, Blake.

And Hazel, a policewoman. Just calm down and listen.

Back in those days, there was a lot of police corruption.

Hazel's dad was framed.

Yeah. Now, there were two men in the division at the time who wouldn't go

with a fit -up.

And they're both fit today.

Cotton and Briggs. Yeah.

Have you been round once already?

Oh, no. Sorry.

Say, Matt.

Give us a comment here.

Golly!

to start until the toast.

What? We get toast as well?

Perishing answer everywhere.

Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served.

So, how long have you known my boyhood?

A long time.

I remember his first day.

Me and some of the lads handcuffed him to a naked Cardiff City supporter.

And, uh, I understand you knew Hazel's father.

Did I?

That's what I heard.

I thought her dad was dead.

Mr. Fulgham, could I have a quick word?

Sure.

No sign of the toast yet then.

Hoop not bad.

I've got him for Tygo.

Pass me the butter, please.

What are you going to do?

Rub it in?

Why? Does it help?

Briggs doesn't know himself why he was chosen.

Briggs was only a PC back then. He probably doesn't even remember the case.

But you do.

Oh, yes.

And Hazel's father really was fitted up, hmm? Like a kipper.

And you and that man Briggs, you refused to be part of it? I did what I could to

stop them.

And Briggs?

Well, Hazel's father believes to this day that Briggs didn't turn up in court

that day to give evidence because he was an honest copper.

Fact is, he was new to the job when he got lost.

He went to the old Vic instead of the old Bailey.

He ended up getting a walk -on part in an Inspector Calls.

Some damn fine reviews, as I recall.

Am I supposed to believe that?

Well, the Guardian was a bit sniffy, but the rest was fine.

Very nice, thank you.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I thought the pasta was a bit soft.

I thought it could have been a bit more Al Jolson.

You mean Al Dente?

Yeah.

So, Helen.

Your name's Helen?

Yeah.

You're Bob?

Yeah.

Bob by name.

Bob by nature.

It's short for Robert.

You can write it quicker if you're in a hurry.

So who are you with?

Oh, no one.

You? Nobody.

So your wife couldn't make it then?

Wife? Oh, I'm not married.

Oh.

Dave and I aren't the marrying kind.

Who's Dave?

He's my partner.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, very boring.

I'm a legal secretary.

Well, better than being an illegal secretary.

So,

this Dave... Speak of the devil.

Hey, Bob, how are you? How's it going?

Fine, thanks.

Are they going to fall?

Shh!

It's that little bridesmaid, you know, the one with the sign and the black

I read this article in a women's magazine.

They reckon you're ten times more likely to pull at a wedding than you are at a

disco. It's true, really.

So in your case, that would be ten times nothing.

Yeah, yeah, right, yeah.

Er, tennis elbow.

Then

he

says there were only two men in the division who wouldn't go along with it.

was the super and Briggs.

Briggs? That's why her dad wanted the super to give her away and Briggs to be

best man.

Didn't realise Briggs had that sort of integrity.

Have you seen Briggs?

Yeah, he's in the car to be rehearsing his speech.

Probably writing down some jokes off the wall.

Oh, all right, Bob.

Get us a G &T, not a... beer.

I think I might have pulled.

She keeps asking about Dave.

Speaking of Dave, you two have been working together a long time now,

you? Do you think there's such a thing as love at first sight?

Yeah, well, we know you're close.

But do you know anything about some case in the 70s?

A fit -up?

I'd better get back.

How do I look?

Like a lizard in a suit.

Damn.

Here, what does me breath smell like?

Jim.

Damn.

It's me.

What do you want?

I need to talk to you.

What about?

I need to look at your speech. I need to check it over, just in case. In case of

what? Look, let me in.

I just don't want you to get up in front of everyone and say something by

accident that would let Flip about the two of us. The two of us?

Look, you have no idea why you and I are here together, do you? What do you

mean? I've kept this from you for years.

It's something that goes back to when you were a young man in uniform and I

a frustrated DC.

I shielded you from it.

I didn't even want you to know there was such a thing as a bent copper.

I've got to go.

But just let me look at it.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

How long's yours?

Oh,

it's you, Louis.

Look, Dave and I are having a private chat here. We'd prefer it if you weren't

here. Yes, sir.

Understood, sir.

Wait a minute, Bob.

I'm coming with you.

Don't blame you, Dave.

But, Dave!

Well, Dave.

You know, the best man. Oh, yes.

Well, I was in the toilet washing my mouth out with degreaser.

And I lived in the cubicle with the super.

Ah.

And you're upset.

Upset?

How long have you and Dave been partners?

I'll be back.

Same old story.

If they're not married, they're gay.

I overheard a conversation in the car seat earlier.

And me.

And we reckon there's a side to your mate Briggs that none of us ever

before.

You heard it as well.

You know about Briggs and the super.

So it's true.

Must be.

And I let him use me truncheon and everything.

We think it's marvellous.

Eh? There should be more people like that in the force.

How are you doing?

Oh, I'm all right, sir.

Nervous?

I'm going to knock them dead.

We haven't got much time, so I'm going to have to come clean with you.

Hazel's father is not dead.

He's in prison.

You what?

Just listen, OK?

I don't want any reference to prison in that speech of yours, got it?

That's an order.

Prison. Prison, prison, prison, prison, prison, prison.

Ball and chain.

Cross it out.

Life sentence.

Out.

Breath like a slopping out bucket.

Okay.

He was put away for armed robbery.

So no reference to banks, guns or stockings over the head.

Stockings. The fact is, Hayden's dad was fitted up. So we can't have any mention

of police corruption.

That's half my axe. Briggs.

Fine.

Good. I think that's about everything.

Okay?

Yeah, great.

Can I just, you know, like, you know, run this by you as it stands?

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't the bridesmaids look lovely? Two pieces of string walked into a pub.

you and good night.

Great.

You don't think it sounds a tad bizarre?

Tommy! Hello, Frank.

I'll change my mind.

The governor gave me compassionate parole.

And this must be that young, fresh -faced Bobby.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please take your places for the speeches?

It makes you proud, doesn't it, to see them up there together?

I'll tell you something, though, Bob.

It could have been either of you.

You both got it in you.

What do you mean, mate?

Ladies and gentlemen, raise silence for Superintendent Cotter.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, as most of you know, I'm here today as a stand -in.

It's been my privilege to give Hazel away.

But there's been a change of plan.

You see, there's a little white lie hanging over this white wedding.

But there should be no shame attached to what I'm about to say.

Oh, my God.

Me and the best man have been hiding something from you all.

It goes back years to my own wedding.

To cut a long story short... No!

The bride's father isn't dead at all.

What? What?

He's a guest of Her Majesty at Ford Open.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

He's a convicted criminal.

But it's not up to me to tell you all this.

The bride's father is here himself.

Tommy!

You and I should be in the grounds behind a fountain with two bridesmaids

train bearer.

I don't care.

Well, you should care, Bob.

Your biological clock is ticking.

Is that what it is?

Yep.

It's ticking away inside.

The chimes of Big Ben have just gone off in me underpants.

Excuse me.

Can you remember where I put my coat?

Forget your coat, love.